Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

I completely understand your point of view. My first really didn't sleep that well as it is (reflux) and getting her to sleep in buggy would take a long time and lots of walking fast. So, people saying just put him in a buggy may not have had a child that wont settle? Not sure if yours will?

My mum can also convince me that her idea is a good one, then a while later, once I've thought it through, I'll realise what I actually want and not want to do what's suggested.

I have actually seen a counsellor about how to deal with my mum and learnt some really good strategies in communication
It means I'm no longer doing things like you are eg, fuming in a car. But able to calmly talk to mum before it escalates. Been a big help.

I have found having a 2nd baby so hard as I miss my first DD very much and can really see why you would want a day alone with your ds1. But.....did you explain this to your dh and mum? Did you explain why you now wanted to stay behind? Like how you explained it on your thread? Or, did it all get a bit confused in the moment and then nobody's true feelings are expressed? Just anger?

Hope it all worked out in the end.

I can see both sides of this - you wanted some quality time with your older son just you and him instead of the stress of dealing with a tired, hot toddler which is completely understandable. Did you explain this to your mum and husband? If not then I can see why you mum would want to come and have a family day out. You don’t seem to trust mum or husband to be able to cope with your toddler? I’m sensing an issue here. How hands on a dad is your husband? My kids dad was a nightmare on days out with our 2 - the minute my son (the younger one) got grizzly my ex would lose his shit and I’d have to calm everyone down. If your husband is the same I can completely understand why you would want to have the day just you and your son

I can see both sides too. I do feel for you, as you were obviously hoping for 1-1 time with your eldest, and it didn't happen. The row must have upset you, and it's only natural that you are now feeling sad and fed up. I would say though that perhaps you could have wheeled your sleeping youngest around in the buggy, instead of staying in the car. Maybe you were just too upset at that point to walk around with your mum and hubby though. I think most people would have felt that too, but you could have just got on with it, and it might have been better for your eldest child, rather than your mum and hubby saying to your son 'mum is staying in the car' or whatever. Maybe a talk with your mum and hubby after would have been helpful for you all. Sometimes we just have to get our teeth a bit at the time though.

Sorry, grit our teeth, not get our teeth!

Sounds like your mum has thrown a right toddler tantrum.
I don’t know how I’d handle this, except to remind her she wouldn’t be on holiday if it weren’t for you.
She doesn’t like it? No worries, there won’t be a repeat as she has massively disappointed you.
And you cannot WAIT until you deliver her home.
See? You know how to hurt her too.
Sometimes it takes pointed remarks to get thick-headed people to listen.
She’s cruel, @Hopscotch27 - nothing more, nothing less, and you most certainly did not deserve that.

@DaveProdrick

Paddy Fodder you are being incredibly unfair to OP she has paid for a holiday for whole family and included her Mum, in return she wanted one day of quality time with her elder son, neither of the other 2 adults DH & her had the gumption to pick up on this and volunteer to stay with the baby, they are both incredibly selfish. Then for her Mum to pick a row when OP decided to do the best by the baby and stay, I think OP has gone over and above for her family and her Mum and DH should hang their heads in shame.

THANK YOU EXACTLY

Thank-you everyone. Some insightful responses on here. I have read them all. I wasn’t “sulking in the car” as a lot of people seem to assume. The little one fell asleep just before we got to the venue so rather than wake him by transferring into the buggy I stuck with him whilst he had a good snooze. He woke up, we joined the others in the park. I apologised to mum for changing plans, she apologised to me for snapping. We had a cuddle. And the rest of the holiday has been grand @KatherineJaneway, thanks.

Thanks to those posters who offered real emotional advice & support. You were appreciated.

Oh & @PaddyF0dder

You sound angry & aggressive. But thanks for joining the convo

This is why I won't go on holiday with my parents anymore.

I spend the whole time trying to please everyone that it is triple the work of being at home. My parents want to eat every meal together, do activity together and give no dispensation for the needs of the younger children. I bend over backwards trying to please everyone and have stories that mirror yours.

YANBU - just don't invite her in holiday again and prioritise your kids.

He woke up, we joined the others in the park. I apologised to mum for changing plans, she apologised to me for snapping. We had a cuddle. And the rest of the holiday has been grand

You've completely ruined the fun in this thread for many of the readers, who were hoping for more drama and reasons to tell you off.

I know @BadLad!!!! I am a party pooper for sure x

Pleased to read that all is well.

@Hopscotch27

I am pleased that all is now well and I was wrong. Have a great rest of your holiday.

Well done for the apologies on both sides. I wish other families would be brave and clear the air quickly instead of having years of pent up annoyance. 💐

Paperdolly Totally agree. Well done on apologising, and I'm glad your mother apologised too for her response

I do think you are being a bit silly over the baby needing sleeps and food and stuff. Just get him out of the car he can go to sleep in his pram,you don't just have one child you have two the baby needs to fit in with your family life, you cannot do things in the routine you did when you only had one. You need to go with the flow a bit more. The baby will soon adapt. X

Hard pleasing everyone. Find my mam wants set meal times/her agenda so best not to start it as sets in stone..

Let’s hope you’re still not sitting in the car with your little one?!
Sometimes it’s easy to have an idea about how we want things to go on holiday. But it doesn’t always go the way it’s imagined, for a variety of reasons. And holidays don’t always live up to expectations all of the time. As you said, you are tired, be easy on yourself and easier said than done sometimes, talk together about what you all would like to do...for everyone.
Have a lovely holiday OP and try and relax a little xxx