Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

At 20 months either of my dc would have wanted food from me, cuddles from me, been pissed off if I walked away for five minutes. They would have been ok if left with their dad, but I needed not to be in sight! So I understand the OP's desire to reconnect with just dc1 for the day. If the toddler is there, his needs are all likely to all be directed at the mum.

Why didn't your DH stay with the baby?

I imagine OP is busy with her day.

I'm on her side tbh.
It's not weird to want to go out with your 6 year old and leave your under 2 behind.

The DM wanted to go to blackgang chine so badly that she couldn't just agree to stay with youngest for a few hours to facilitate her daughter having a bit of time out with eldest DS? .... And posters are saying its the OP who is childish? .....

For the record i wouldn't have wanted to take any of my 4 to somewhere like blackgang while they were under 2 on one of the hottest days of the year after a night of little sleep. 'Bunging' them in a pushchair with a packet of crisps with the hope they're so knackered they'll fall asleep isn't a plan i'd want for them.

Your mistake, OP, was to let your DM sway you about all of you going. Stick to your guns next time.

The DH? Who cares? I guess he was just going along with what his wife and MIL decided. I'm guessing he'd have stayed on his own with the younger DC if asked, but OP didn't want to go out with her MIL, she wanted a day with just her eldest son.

DM not MIL

I wonder if those describing OP as a martyr are the type of people that don't care about other people's feelings and ride roughshod over whatever they'd like to do (like the DM in this story) bit like a dog eat dog world

@HopelessatHousework

I wonder if those describing OP as a martyr are the type of people that don't care about other people's feelings and ride roughshod over whatever they'd like to do (like the DM in this story) bit like a dog eat dog world

Wonder all you like.

I will, I wasn't asking permission

I think yanbu, OP. There's a world of difference between mum and one older child going off together for a day out and mum, dad, granny, one child, one toddler, buggy, and all the accoutrements. The former is easy and relaxed, the latter is An Expedition. Your mum is bossy and railroading, and whether or not your DH was or wasn't willing to supervise the toddler is irrelevant really - the day is still completely different to what you had envisaged. Having said that, I think once the (wrong!) decision had been made, you were as well to just go along with it this time, whilst making sure you don't get overruled like this in future and clearly express your plans and wishes.

Not at all Hopeless, we're just not passive-aggressive sulkers.

Nobody got the day they wanted with the OP today - she didn't get a day alone with her older DS, her mum didn't get the family day out that she wanted - we have no idea what the DH wanted - maybe he was the winner here!

HopelessatHousework

No. Better at communicating perhaps though. Potentially less inclined to passive aggressive sulks.

@ChicCroissant

Not at all Hopeless, we're just not passive-aggressive sulkers.

Nobody got the day they wanted with the OP today - she didn't get a day alone with her older DS, her mum didn't get the family day out that she wanted - we have no idea what the DH wanted - maybe he was the winner here!

Your last sentence did make me giggle a bit!

But I still don't think it's sulking to be minding the toddler in the car for a bit while they sleep, nor being a martyr. It's just putting the child first

But I still don't think it's sulking to be minding the toddler in the car for a bit while they sleep, nor being a martyr. It's just putting the child first

Well, when I mentioned the OP martyring herself it was regard to she herself saying she was just trying to keep everyone happy and that she would feel she had to settle and feed the toddler even if other adults were there. I wasn't the only one.

@hammeringinmyhead yes, I do see that

But also can understand that OP does feel that way, for whatever reason, and just wanted a day out with her and DC1 and is unhappy that not only is nobody thinking of her but they've had a go at her too

I can see the potential for passive aggression but I do think it's a shame that a DM couldn't simply think, of course, I'd be happy to help my daughter have a special day

Haven't read the full thread but on the face of it I'm on OP's side.
I have hosted/paid for many family holidays and have bent over backwards to be welcoming and accommodating. Often at the expense of my own preferences. So , to have one request dismissed and ignored is really fucking upsetting.

I don't think it was unreasonable to want a day with eldest, but equally I don't think the mother was unreasonable to not want to be left behind all day as babysitter, on what sounds like short notice, and when she wants to visit the attraction herself.

What a muddle!I was confused just reading it.not sure why between three adults you couldn't explain what you wanted to achieve.perhaps sit down tonight and talk through what you each want to do for the rest of the holiday.

@HopelessatHousework

Although it does sound like there is possibly some passive aggression going on, I really feel for the OP.

She wanted a nice day out with just her and DS1 and presumably said so even if not assertively. Surely a caring mother would say "oh we'd like to come too, but is it really important to you to go with just DS?" And then be happy to help that happen

And even if it had always been planned for all of them, why is it the end of the world if OP decided after a bad night she'd stay behind with the younger child after all? Younger child obviously responds best to a routine and it's very easy for everyone to say go with the flow but sometimes (not always) that just ends up to the detriment of the child who gets overtired and doesn't enjoy it

Some toddlers just won't transfer and stay asleep, I know mine won't so although we try to avoid being a slave to naptimes if she has just fallen asleep I'd probably stay in the car until later too. Sounds like exactly what OP expected to happen but she was coerced into going with everyone

I agree though next time OP just assert yourself more but it's really sad that your mum can't care a bit more a bit more about your wants and understand that you are putting kids first

@HopelessatHousework, this is exactly what I thought, too.

There are some really unkind comments towards the OP on this thread.

How so when I’ve taken her on holiday!!!! I’ve paid for her for all our days out! I try and look after her as much as anyone else.

Martyr drama martyr drama martyr drama

You just don't see it do you @Hopscotch27 ?

You're at fault end of

OP, I have 2 older children and an almost 2 year old. I understand exactly what you mean about wanting to spend time with your oldest without the toddler. Even if you do strap them in a buggy it’s still stressful! You have to let them out at some point for a toddle around, lunch is a pain in the bum. You have to factor in changing nappies. Mine always screams in the buggy at some point. It totally overrules the day and I feel like the older girls never get any of my attention.

I am confused where your husband fits in though? Couldn’t you have compromised that he could stay back with the little one and you/mum/DC could go together? She probably wanted to see DC having fun rather than chasing a toddler round all day.

I had a huge row with my mum last time we went away together (we usually get on great) and I have vowed never to join her again. She takes the older DC away without me now. I hope you manage to salvage the rest of the holiday

@chatterbugmegastar what, for doing a kind thing and taking her mum on holiday?

Either the mum wanted to in which case OP has done a nice thing, or the mum didn't want to come in which case I'm not sure how it's the OP which is the martyr

I can understand your frustration OP, assuming you just said 'I feel like it would be better to stay on site with the baby, so you lot go ahead and have fun', or whatever. Then your mum blows up and forces you to go based on some kind of guilt trip. Even if you were sulking by sitting in the car, I wouldn't blame you too much, I'd be fed up in that situation too.

Why are other posters here saying that OP is being entitled or selfish or a martyr? Am I missing something? She said she was going to stay on site with the toddler. It might not have been necessary, but it's what she wanted to do. Then she gets yelled at and accused of ruining things until she follows the rest of the family out. That seems so shitty and manipulative to me.

As I said though, I could be missing something. But also, in that situation, if you were OP, would you want to go with your mother and leave DH in the car? I wouldn't want to spend an extra second with her.

I haven't rtft but I have read your comments and I can't see where you have said why your husband can't look after your youngest.

Is there is a bigger story with your mother where you are determined to make her the bad guy?

Interesting to compare the comments with the voting.

OP Yanbu, your mother was rude and a bit of a bully. DS1 needs one on one time with you, and you need time off from being the default parent for a toddler/them both.

You could probably have communicated this better, but in wanting to please everyone (do you always feel you have to please your DM? Or your DH?) you end up pleasing no one.

I can’t comment on your DH as have no information, but I too am wondering if he parents his own children or leaves it all to you?

30(ish) years ago I went to BGC, I’m amazed it’s still there! Do they still have those cute little fairytale houses? And the dinosaurs?

Maybe the mum didn’t want to be left with the husband.

Maybe the OP can’t drive and needed the husband to take her.

Maybe the toddler is a devil child and mum can’t manage said grandchild.

Maybe these three adults are totally lacking in communication skills and the whole holiday is a shit show.

Bottom line very little information from OP other than the fact she had a huff and mother growled at her.

Hope tomorrow is a better day!

@mantlepiece I agree and in this case, what is not said is more telling than what is. After numerous questions as to the DH's place in all this and the OP just swinging at a particular poster, I think it is pretty obvious where one major issue lies and the mother is bearing the brunt of it.