Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

@Nanny0gg OP was already feeling upset and was presumably posting for support but has been roundly attacked here too. Why would she come back?

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

Of course not, but it is a MN classic thread where everyone takes one incident (which isnt even that bad) to cast aspersions on OP's entire character; 'You sound a total nightmare' 'You are a control freak' 'Do you always sulk like a child's etc

Just nasty. And the weird obsession with the husband, because if there is a man present no doubt MN will blame everything on him.

The weird obsessed with the husband is presumably because he seems to be blameless in a scenario where the OP wanted someone to look after their child. His child.

And despite many questions asking for clarification on that, its been thoroughly ignored.

Why is it a ‘weird obsession’ to ask why the children’s father is taking zero responsibility. He ‘fucked off’ into the park with the mum and older child but only the mum is in the wrong there? Why is that?

The voting is at odds with the replies though! That’s strange.

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle well I dont think it is inconceivable that either he wanted to stay out of the row (it's his mother in law after all) and stayed quiet, or that he quite fancied a day to relax himself? He wasnt the one being taken on a free holiday.

I know it isnt about the money, it is about the thought behind it - OP did a nice thing in bringing her, OP's mum (even if she wanted a day out) should have been gracious enough to take Ds1 as a thank you to both of them.

I agree none of it was communicated well, but they're all to blame for that.

Wolfgirrl the OP says that she does everything with the baby all the time. It’s a ten day holiday and from the sounds of it, she’s doing all the work every day and wanted one solitary break from it (reasonable!) - so presumably he has had the rest of the time to relax. Why does it have to be the OP’s mum that gives her that one little break; why isn’t he sharing the parenting load properly to start with?

@CaptainBrickbeard

Because (if we are making assumptions) I'm guessing hubby works and the mum is retired, or certainly has less responsibility. Yes, work is stressful and men are allowed some down time as well.

If it was a weekend away, and she would miss half the holiday by staying home with the baby for one day, I would understand. But 1 day out of 10?!?!?

I dont see it as 'we should split the childcare as we would at home' with OP and hubby doing half each and her mum doing nothing.

I see it as, OP did a really nice thing for her mum, who couldn't even watch her grandson for a few hours as a thank you.

If my daughter was nice enough to pay to take me on holiday for 10 days, of course I would babysit for a day if she asked!

When you have more than one DC, you take all
Or them to things and deal with it. Sometimes babies are grizzly, sometimes they sleep. You and DH take turns going on rides. No one suffers. You're over thinking it.

Oh I totally agree its poor communication. I just cant fathom how the mother can be blamed for not guessing that

1. OP really wanted to do it alone
2. DH fancied a day to himself

In terms of staying out of a row - OP wanted either her mother or husband to look after the toddler. There didn't need to be a row had that been communicated, or had he just parented his own child.

Again, if the mum had said no to a day of babysitting fair enough- but she wasn't asked! Instead she was expected to figure out what OP wanted and offer in place of the father. She made the mistake of suggesting they all go and she look after the toddler, and lost it in the face of OPs passive agressive reaction.

Um, having a job really doesn’t absolve you from looking after your own children...even on holiday! For one day out of ten! It’s not automatically a woman’s job!

@CaptainBrickbeard

It's not because her mum is a woman. I would say the same thing if they had brought her dad, a cousin or a friend. MN is also determined to find sexism where none exists.

You don't mention dh and his opinions in any of your posts.

Tbh I'm seeing your mum's side rather than yours ATM.

It’s just so bizarre to exonerate the father of the toddler from looking after him at any stage during the entire holiday and then resent someone else for not stepping in.

I think you've been given a bit of a hard time here OP. I don't think you were U to want a day out just with your older DS. Your mum could have offered that in return for going away with you.

@Nanny0gg OP was already feeling upset and was presumably posting for support but has been roundly attacked here too. Why would she come back?

Some posts have been unnecessarily insulting I agree but this is AIBU - people come on this specific thread to challenge and develop their own thinking. If you just want people to agree with you and confirm that you are indeed the blameless victim, I think you have to go elsewhere for that.

@HerNameWasEliza that is true!

I'm not sure the DH is being exonerated, for all we know (admittedly OP doesn't say) he might have been quite happy to stay behind with DC2 and DM while OP went out to theme park alone with DC1, it was the DM who insisted that they all go. Sure, he could have stayed back alone with the toddler but it doesn't sound like DM was suggesting that just insisting they all go or nothing, then had a go at the OP later, the DH didn't

He could have stayed in car while DC2 naps, true, but it seems the vast number of posters would rather wake an overtired child and "bung" them in a pushchair at a busy place on a baking day so maybe he was one of those and Op wanted to stay for behind for a bit for the benefit of the child

Or maybe she is very passive aggressive all the time, but it's difficult to know that for certain just from OP

Exonerated? Hes not on death row

Just quoting the person above

It just means to absolve of blame, anyway

I know I was trying to make a joke!

OP has not been back to answer any pertinent questions I see

@KatherineJaneway

Probably because she’s moved on and enjoying the rest of her holiday !!

OP you sound a bit precious and particular! You youngest is not a newborn fgs - you sound like a control freak

Did this with my mum one time . She said pre hols I could watch the ds1& ds2 you could go out with dh then when we got there never happened the whole week . She was super demanding wanted to shop everyday never again .

DH looks after baby. You and yr mum go. Don't get the problem 3 adults 2 kids. Everyone should be able to get down time special time etc. V strange

There were three adults and two kids. What was your problem that easily manageable - you sound like you were playing the martyr