Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

OP, you are clearly a dedicated Mum and daughter who really tried to create a nice holiday for your family.

I'm coming out as 'Team Mum', although my children are under 10, so I do remember how difficult it is with young children. I have a few observations.

1. you clearly had built up this magical day with you and DC1 in your head, but hadn't discussed this with the rest of the family. You planned everything else, why couldn't you have just said that you wanted a day with DC1 from the outset. It now feels like a bigger issue than what it needed to be.

2. your conversations with your mum sound very 'transactional analysis' to me. So, you have become the 'free child' and your Mum, the 'controlling parent' rather than two adults having a discussion.

3. where is your DH in all of this?I get that young children can be clingy, but surely the three of you should be able to manage.
   Even in mummy mode you need, it's not just your responsibility.

4. why are you dictating what your DH/DM does if they stay back at the resort? You wanted one of them to stay behind, but you dictating the routine.

I hope tomorrow goes better for you all.

Being honest I'd have put baby in pushchair and joined the family for the day. If you want to do a ride you can go on while the dad and your mum watch. No worries. Unfortunately you have fucked up the day no one elsewhere

@KarmaStar OP did explain what she wanted, but her mother forced her to do something she wanted herself. It looks to me like OP was talking to a wall, as the mother effectively seems to be planning everyone's days with no consideration for everyone else.

Anyways OP, hope you're having a better day, and next time maybe have your mother stay at home for holidays :)

Only person who spoiled an otherwise pleasant day is OP.
3 adults. 2 kids, one of whom is in a buggy... not hard is it?
Letting the normal routine go a bit whilst on holiday isn't a bad thing!
Control freak much??

@toomanyplants so not her mum then, who picked a fight with her?

@Wolfgirrl
No, not her mum in my opinion.
"I want to go on my own or I'll sit and sulk in the car"
Child could quite easily have been put in buggy and day enjoyed.
Much fuss about nothing.

@toomanyplants

Er no. She wanted time with DS1 without toddler who, even in the pram, will be fussing and asking for her the whole time. I dont think this is too much to ask given she has taken her mum away for 10 days who has contributed 0 to the trip.

OP is not 'sulking' as so many of you have put it, DS2 dropped off in the car so she needs to wait with him while he has his nap otherwise he will be grumpy and overtired when she gets him in.

If I woke my toddler to put them in a buggy, and they realised we were some place new, that would be it then - there is no way they would go back to sleep.

Honestly the responses on this thread are so unfair, you should all be ashamed.

OP, I hope you are ok today.
Holidays are hard with another adult and are hard work with young children. I sense that you wanted a quite afternoon looking after the toddler whilst everybody went out with your older DS. Which is completely understandable. Your mother has forgotten how exhausting it is running after a small child.
Make the best of the remaining holiday and enjoy the days left. Don't dwell on the argument with your mum, but remember it when making holiday plans next time and keep your holiday to two adults and your children.
You tried to do a kind thing by bringing your mother and she shouldn't have interfered in your plans. Forget it for now and enjoy yourself.

Your mother has forgotten how exhausting it is running after a small child

And most of the posters on this thread apparently.

'Wake him from his nap to chuck him in the pram in 30 degrees C and take him to a new busy place, he will be absolutely fine.'

🙄🙄🙄

@Wolfgirrl ashamed!!!! Oh please 🙄
HAS to wait while he naps..no not really.
Big fuss over absolutely nothing, OP nailed herself to the cross here.

@toomanyplants

So if you took someone on holiday for 10 days, paid for everything, asked them if they would mind watching one of the kids for half a day, you would say no and have a go at them?

Ok so theres no contract saying she has to, but it is undoubtedly shitty behaviour.

@Wolfgirrl if I went on holiday with my daughter (or mother, whatever, family)
Then I would expect to do things together, not expect them to be mind readers, and not want to be excluded for a silly reason like 3 adults not being able to have a day out because one child may need a nap during the day.

I don't know if you'll be back to this thread but I do think that some people on MN take a weird pleasure in having children only to seemingly not give much of a shit about them. I have a very bright, high need baby/toddler who loves her routine. Normally it works really well but if it doesnt she will lose her shit, especially if its hot. Its awful for me and awful for her. I can absolutely see why you would want some time with your eldest but I can also see how you set yourself up to fail a bit by not being clear on what you wanted or needed. I think there is some thinking for you to do about why you didn't feel you could be clear and honest with your mum or DH, and why you ultimately ended up making yourself the loser in a holiday that you organised. I suspect this is a repeat of some deeper dynamics.

[quote Wolfgirrl]@toomanyplants

So if you took someone on holiday for 10 days, paid for everything, asked them if they would mind watching one of the kids for half a day, you would say no and have a go at them?

Ok so theres no contract saying she has to, but it is undoubtedly shitty behaviour.[/quote]
Yeah, that’s not what happened. OP discussed the trip the day before with mum and presumably DH. We don’t know how hard OP pressed what she wanted but Mum also wanted to go on the trip and it ended up with OP booking tickets for all.

In the morning OP said she didn’t want to go due to being tired and would stay with the toddler. This was when mum had a go because she was changing the plan.

Then they all went and she stayed in the car with the sleeping toddler because DH... oh no, wait. We don’t know about DH.

Also, looking after the toddler if she had had her solo day with DS1 was never assumed to be the mum. DH was in the running too. The mum never said no to this and did offer to look after the toddler during her rant, although may have meant at the theme park.

Except there's nothing here to suggest the OP told her mum and DH what she actually wanted.

So we can add "expectations of mind reading" to petulant sulk.

If OP had said "mum, could you watch DS2 whilst DH does whatever and I take DS1" I could maybe see her point.

That's not what happened. Frankly its fucking weird that OP didn't even discuss this with her husband, weirder he didn't offer to take DS2 and weirder that if it was OPs mum being unreasonable he would happily trot off and leave her in a car (read: its not the mum)

I totally understand about toddlers who need their routine and sleep otherwise it’s miserable all round but none of this is the mother’s fault - it all comes down to the husband who has been mysteriously exonerated from all responsibility. It’s up to him to share the parenting load with OP, not her mum and her silence on that aspect makes it abundantly clear that he’s the actual problem and she won’t acknowledge it. He should have either kept the toddler at the resort or stayed in the car, not the OP, but he wouldn’t. And the OP’s mum is getting the blame for that??

Firstly, I hope you all managed to have a lovely day and all resolved itself.

I do think that you were a bit unfair though if I'm honest. I know if I was your mum, I wouldn't have fancied the prospect at staying 'home' with your DH and toddler. Maybe she didn't quite know where she'd fit in there? Would DH do the childcare and leave her at a loose end or would she be expected to do it all while DH lounged around? I'd find that situation a bit pants really.

And why on earth were you sitting in a car with your toddler???? Put him in the buggy and hope for a bit of peace for a bit!
Alternatively, why didn't you tell DH to stay back with him? I'm assuming it's his child too?

There's a time and a place for having one to one with your eldest child and I don't think a family holiday was the best time. Sorry.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. My family is a bit like this - nobody actually says what they want to do, even though they have a clear opinion. For example - you will ask where we should eat. My mother and aunt will both say that they don’t mind....and then come up with various objections to anyone else’s suggestions because they clearly actually have a destination in mind, but don’t want to appear “pushy”. It’s exhausting.

Ultimately, OP, you now need to learn the lesson that if you want things to happen a certain way, you need to express those views clearly and explicitly. Did you say at any point “I want to take DS1 on my own”, or did you take the “it’ll be easier/better for everyone if I do” approach? Because the latter leaves it wide open for discussion and for you to be (as appears to have happened here) talked in to doing something else. Being direct, although it can be a bit uncomfortable at first, really does put you on the front foot in these situations.

I hope you managed to rescue some of the day, anyway!

OP, you sound as if you just want a fight tbh. You’ve only replied to the most in constructive posters on here. You’ve ignored all the sympathetic posts and questions etc. If I were you I would calm down, take some deep breaths and try not to get into this ‘fight club’ mentality where all you can see is anger.

In future - explain to your mother and DH what you want, and what you’re asking them to do. They are not psychic. But they are not fighting with you. So stop trying to fight with them and step back.

@toomanyplants

So 9/10 days wouldn't be enough for you? I feel sorry for your travel companions lol

UNconstructive, thank you Autocorrect!

@Wolfgirrl
Family holiday.
Clue in the title.
Bottom line is this..sulking in the car then saying you're sad about it is outrageous.
As the majority on here agree.
No one is saying it's not difficult to manage young children, but there are times when you just suck it up and make the most of the day ahead.
No need to pity my holiday companions, we have a great time, probably due to there being no car sulking episodes.

Interestingly the votes are in OP's favour so the bullies on this thread are not in the majority.

5 pages of hardly any relevant input from the OP.

Anyone else hate threads like these?

Its not bullying to tell someone you think they were wrong, or that they are being childish/petulant/ridiculous.

What a silly response.