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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get my almost 15 year old condoms

187 replies

EveOnline2016 · 06/08/2020 16:43

He is sexually active as he has told me.

Dad says I’m encouraging but I rather he be safe even if I am encouraging it by getting them for him.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/08/2020 19:25

And if parents collude like the posters on this thread are doing, then it will happen more.

I'd rather "collude" by providing contraception than make fruitless attempts to stop them having sex. Do you recommend locking them up instead? If they won't be "guided away" from having sex the next best thing is to ensure that they have access to contraception - the alternative is far more damaging.

Itisbetter · 06/08/2020 19:25

The only thing that denying them condoms, and telling them not to have sex is going to result in - is your teenager doing it behind your back I don’t think this is true.

SoupDragon · 06/08/2020 19:26

@Itisbetter

The only thing that denying them condoms, and telling them not to have sex is going to result in - is your teenager doing it behind your back I don’t think this is true.
It absolutely is true.
Tavannach · 06/08/2020 19:31

Put a packet in the bathroom cabinet or wherever and tell him they're there in case he runs out and replenish as necessary, but I agree with PPs that if he's old enough to have sex he's old enough to go to the clinic and get his own. The clinic will also remind him that condoms on their own are not an effective contraception.

Emmelina · 06/08/2020 19:31

While 14 is too young IMO, he’s already doing it, and you feel you ought to help keep him/them safe. Great!
He’s been mature enough to tell you, so he’s mature enough to have that talk around contraception, sending naughty pics back and forth etc (which is as far as I’m aware considered child porn (hate that phrase) as under age of consent).
I am not at this stage with mine yet, but I love the idea of letting him know where the “condom drawer” is. Then you can quietly monitor if he’s using it and check in if it doesn’t seem to be going down! Is he using them every time? Have they stopped/broken up?

InTheWings · 06/08/2020 19:35

judging by these replies, there seem to be a lot of parents who think it is ok not to bother to parent. Makes me wonder why they became parents if they can't be bothered to do it

How dare you!?

Of COURSE parents on this thread care. They want open relationships with their children exactly so that they can care and guide and support and encourage.

Colluding, indeed.

I work with very badly damaged youth, and they really do not care about themselves because no one cares about them. However, every parent on this thread is concerned, whether they are advocating providing condoms or not.

But what good is parenting if it is based on delusion? Sticking our heads in the sand?

Of course 20% of U15s having sex isn't great, that isn't why I posted it - I posted it to demonstrate the massive naivety on this thread.

You can do your best to discourage young people not to start early sexual relationships, but it won't always work - not even amongst the most lovingly and assertively guided and parented children. What we then need to do is be realistic....and non-judgemental.

Bemorechicken · 06/08/2020 19:37

@jimmyhill

Good he told you but wow.. He can be arrested for rape if person under 16 as its classef as non consensual even if both say yes.

Not in the UK, dummy

That's not true -although it is kind of. Under 12 def no consent. Aged 13,14,15 -GP would ask and be serious from a safeguarding point of view about consent, pressure etc. Making a case is harder if both are the same age. If he is 14 and she is 18 -the case if much more marked.IF he is 14 and she is 14 -technically yes, but providing it and getting a case against them both -very hard if the CPS tried to go down that route. If his partner (male/female) is pressuring him or vice versa -yes it would be rape -or if they couldn't consent for another reason. But the law is there to protect.

It is a criminal offence for anyone who is 16 or older to have any kind of sexual contact with someone aged 13, 14 or 15. It is also a criminal offence for both girls and boys aged 13, 14 and 15 to have consensual sex with anyone else aged 13, 14 or 15. This applies whether they are the initiating partner or the consenting partner. This criminal offence where both are aged 13, 14 or 15 applies solely to penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus with the penis and to touching of the penis vagina or anus with the mouth. People in this age group participating in other consensual sexual acts are not committing criminal offences.

cleanermam92 · 06/08/2020 19:40

YANBU

Bemorechicken · 06/08/2020 19:43

And a 14 year old having sex is NOT the norm. The average age is much more than that -for first time sex it is 16. Many in each age bracket are NOT secually active at any one time in the UK over 30% are not sexually active.

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 06/08/2020 19:44

@Itisbetter then I assume you have been extraordinarily lucky to have only ever known/met unusually obedient and non-rebellious teenagers. The majority of teenagers I know, and indeed the majority of teenagers when I was one myself - had at least one instance where they completley disregarded their parents rules. As much as I can look back at my choices and cringe with adult eyes, I do remember how mature and informed that I thought I was at that age.

Bitchinkitchen · 06/08/2020 19:45

@EveOnline2016

He is using them and spending his own money on them.
So why would he need you to buy them for him?
fairydustandpixies · 06/08/2020 19:47

If he's old enough to have sex, then he's old enough to buy his own condoms.

RhubarbTea · 06/08/2020 19:49

When I was 14/15 a LOT of my peers were having sex. It seems very young when I look back now.

I just wanted to say I think it's great your DS can talk to you so openly. That's brilliant Smile

LongAndWhiningRoad · 06/08/2020 19:51

And a 14 year old having sex is NOT the norm

I don't think anyone is saying it is.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 06/08/2020 19:55

He can get them for free at that age with a c-card. Then a HCP can also offer advice.

iMatter · 06/08/2020 20:02

Are you sure he's buying them/using them?

That's seriously responsible for a year 9 child!

Itisbetter · 06/08/2020 20:15

Not in my experience @SoupDragon. It’s a fairly ridiculous exchange though isn’t it? Anyone who suggests you CAN expect children to respond positively to support to stop illegal dangerous damaging behaviour is either ignorant, has limited or extremely uncommon experience or perhaps just is generally “in denial”. The children I knew as a child myself who engaged in this behaviour were damaged and damaging. Many of them went on to have “successful” lives but then many people I know who had other hurdles to overcome did too.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/08/2020 21:57

I do t necessarily agree that early sex=bad parenting. I’m v. glad that my DD (15) isn’t sexually active yet, but I’ve ensured that she’ll know how to practice safe sex when she’s ready. I hope it’s at 18+ ( I was 19) but in the OP’s situation, it’s already happened.

The parents and medical professionals can advise them to wait, but I doubt it’ll wok now he’s experienced it.

ViciousJackdaw · 06/08/2020 22:04

no, you should not be colluding with this behaviour at all. I know a young man who had two children born to him at 16, two different mums. He was given custody of one of them after SS removed her from her mum

Which could have been prevented had the young man in question used a condom @mosquitofeast

OP's son is already doing the deed and I applaud her for her realistic approach.

OnTheFencePaint · 06/08/2020 22:45

How are they getting the freedom to have sex? Where and when is this happening?

People saying it’s inevitable - where and when? He is a 14 year old child and presumably doesn’t have independent income. I genuinely want to know for when my sons are older!

The chances of pregnancy are so high, condoms or not. I would be ensuring he knew why it was dangerous and could easily ruin their lives and let him know that it was wrong for him to take such a risk (no non-judgemental approach from me!)

TempestHayes · 06/08/2020 22:51

14 is very young. Are you not going to try and find out a bit more as to what's gone wrong here? If he is having sex with girls who are under 16, he is breaking the law. If he is having sex with girls over 16, they are breaking the law.

There are some messed up kids in this scenario. It's just a bit too young. Even in my high school times around 99/00, people were waiting until at least Year 11 (16) and most waited until later. Only, well, delinquent kids did it sooner. They were unhappy. Two pregnancies. One girl at the end of year 10 but was bullied by the boys relentlessly for it. They were all still so immature and it was often not an act done out of happiness.

TempestHayes · 06/08/2020 22:52

I'm also wondering where they're doing it - surely a parent does not simply wave a hand, declare themselves a 'cool' parent and let it go on under their roof?

One photograph and they could both be on the sex offender's register too, so there's also that.

FortniteBoysMum · 06/08/2020 22:54

I think the first thing you do before you decide to buy them is check the girl his sleeping with is 16 and over. After all you may be OK with it but her parents may not and if she is under 16 he could face a rape charge even if his still a minor.

middleager · 06/08/2020 23:07

I have two 14 year old sons and I would not be cool with this like so many posters.

It's too young and it's illegal. But as he is doing this then of course it's better to provide condoms than not. But 14 is so young, let's not normalise this.

Runnerduck34 · 06/08/2020 23:15

14 is very young, its good he has been open with you but i would have a conversation about age of consent ( as well as respect, contraception and STDs ) , how old is the person he is having sex with? Are their parents aware of situation? If he is going to do it anyway then you are right to encourage use of condoms and buy them if necessary but tbh I wouldnt be happy with my 14 year old DC having sex.