Fed up nanny!

[Nanny991]

I’m a nanny and I look after two boys age 8 usually after school but full time at the minute due to covid. I get on very well with my boss and have formed a lovely bond/relationship with the two boys over the last year.

A couple of months ago my boss asked me if I would mind hosting some play dates/providing childcare once or twice a week with the boys best friend. He has been coming every Monday and Thursday, and honestly it’s been a nightmare from the start. He doesn’t listen, answers back, causes arguments between the two boys and just generally stresses me out. Don’t get me wrong, my two boys have their moments and sometimes don’t listen, can be grumpy but generally they are well behaved and understand the rules/boundaries. I like to think of myself as firm but fair and they have lots of treats/nice days out with me but they understand there are rules that come with that. My boss is usually very supportive and always backs me up if they misbehave.

Their friend has been over today and it’s been awful from the moment he walked through the door. They have all been arguing/crying non stop all morning (they do bicker at times but definitely not this much). Said friend is obviously a bit closer to one of the boys than the other which is fine, but this means that the other gets left out frequently. He has also been answering me back a lot, when I’ve asked them to tidy up toys etc. He can also be quite rough with the boys, slapping and hitting and when they ask him to stop he doesn’t listen, even when I get involved and ask him to calm down he just ignores me.

Boiling point came today when we were at the park earlier and he kept on climbing over the rails to get out. I asked him nicely quite a few times to stay in the park and explained the dangers of running away from me. He continued to ignore me so I took them all home, this resulted in non stop tears all the way home. I feel awful as his behaviour has ruined a nice day out for my two boys which I don’t think is fair but I’m not sure what other options I had. We’ve come home now and I’ve said no devices/tv for the rest of the day, told them they can colour, read, play with toys if they like which my two boys are doing but the friend is now sat on the sofa sulking. He keeps on asking me “if I’m good will you not tell my mum?”, I just haven’t answered.

I really don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes as they all obviously cannot get on and play nicely together. It is just constant bickering/screaming/arguing all day long and it’s not enjoyable for any of us. I did speak to his mum a couple of weeks ago as he ran away from me when we were on a walk and she was extremely nice and supportive about it and I believe she did speak to him. She seems approachable but I’m also conscious of pissing my boss off. He is extremely close to this lady and I’m not sure if he’d be “embarrassed” if I spoke to her and highlighted all these problems. I could tell him later tonight when he gets home but I’m not sure if the message would be passed on, which makes the whole thing pointless.
I don’t get paid extra to look after this child although I don’t mind as my boss gave me a large bonus at Christmas and is usually generous in other areas so I would like to be fair but also not be taken advantage of.

So, do I...

1.	Speak to the boys mum tonight when she picks him up (before my boss gets home) 

2.	Speak to my boss when he gets home and just hope he picks up on my hints and passes the message on

3.	Don’t say anything, give the boy another chance and just hope the situation improves

???

Talk to your boss very clearly and calmly about why this arrangement is not working. It is up to them to talk to the other boy's parent nt

Agree with previous poster. Speak to your boss, it’s not making anyone happy as the arrangement stands

Talk to your boss. Tell him the full day visits are not working well for his children. Perhaps suggest shorter play dates.

Are you serious?? Tell the both of them what’s going on and tell them they’ll have to make other arrangements! You don’t need to be nasty about it, just state that you’re finding the boys behaviour unmanageable when they’re all together and this isn’t working out for you. I think they’re cheeky af for even asking you to do this in the first place, especially with no pay. A bonus is just that, not something to be used to guilt you providing free childcare for a complete brat. In the nicest possible way, grow a backbone!

I must spend too much time here. I swear we had this same thread from the nanny's employer's perspective a couple of weeks ago.

Speaking as a boss:

1. No!
2. No!
3. Absolutely no!

What you should do is clearly, unemotionally state the facts. You find the extra childcare stressful and it's not working out because XYZ (the boys don't get on, the other boy won't follow safe advice, and you don't feel you're able to give your two boys the focused care you're being paid for as a result).

Do not "hint". You need to flag the problem, and by all means state that you've mentioned the problems to this kid's mum.. but frankly it's not your problem to solve.

This is your boss' problem to solve. But to solve it, she/he needs clear communication from you, direct to them.

Tell both of them what is going on.

I may be reading this wrong, but you have a male boss and a female who wants playdates and you say they are close. Are they in a relationship? Because this could change the situation.

They are taking advantage of you and you need to speak up. You are doing extra childcare which you arent being paid for. Why should you take on the stress of a really unpleasant child for which you arent even paid for.
Dont address the lady, this can create a whole lot of issues. You need to speak to your boss.
He actually needs you more as his boys are already comfortable and secure with you, so he will be willing to listen to your concerns.
Besides all that, I think this arrangement is massively taking advantage of you.

I'd do 2 - speak to the person who's employing you and say his two don't seem to get on well with the other boy and that his children are being hit. (He will want to know). Perhaps they could play for shorter periods of time – if they do basically get on – since longer doesn't seem to be working for them all.

Sounds like he's essentially offering free childcare via you though if it's full days. So you might add that you're happy to look after the two siblings but that it's quite a responsibility to take on someone else's child as well, especially when they don't seem to get on.

I might also mention to the mum when she picks up that there were some issues so it's not a total surprise to her if your employer mentions it to her later. She'll probably ask how the day was and you might say diplomatically that there were a few disagreements between them - perhaps it was a long day for all of them to be together. I'm sure both the parents would want to know.

Talk to your boss and tell him clearly this isn't working for you and these play dates must stop. No hinting, no subtle language.

Yes! @YesINameChangeEveryDay I thought of that thread too! OP it's clearly not working, and it doesn't seem at all that you are at fault. I would speak to your employer tonight and explain that the arrangements with the other boy just isn't working because of the reasons that you've stated here. Nobody would think that you were unreasonable.

Option 2 but no hinting. Make it clear that the boys fight more, that one gets left out, and that you don’t think it’s a healthy environment for the boys you nanny and that above all you’re finding it hard to police all this shite behaviour.

Give all the examples you’ve written here. A good boss/parent wouldn’t want that situation for their own children.

This is absolutly CFery! These aren't play dates. "Your" children are not benefiting, you are being used as free child care. Put a stop to it now - I'm cross for you @Nanny991

Don't speak to the mother, speak to your boss, it's his problem
Just state its not working out and you weren't employed to look after a third child
Who cares if he's embarrassed, was he embarrassed when he asked you?

PS If you have an existing great relationship with the boys you look after then your employer will really value your work. It's important you protect his boys. They won't want to lose you because their attempts to do someone else a favour didn't work out.

I would say 2.

Or suggest the other parent pays you for your childcare as well!!!

I suggest that you talk to your boss, explain how the other DC little monster is disrupting and unsettling for his 2DC. If there is a change in their behaviour because of his influence, then make sure you stress this. Explain that, whilst you are more than happy to host playdates that are benificial to the development/happiness/etc of his DC, this situation is detrimental both to them and also to you. Minding someone else's misbehaving child is really beyond your remit.

As for the DM (dear monster), can you call the mum to come and fetch him?
If he asks you not to tell, say "Attempting to leave the park was dangerous and not something I can keep from your Mum. Actions have consequences. Or whatever is appropriate. Anything else is allowing him to blackmail you with continuing (mis)behaviour.

This is absolutly CFery! These aren't play dates. "Your" children are not benefiting, you are being used as free child care. Put a stop to it now - I'm cross for you @Nanny991

This^

You are being completely taken advantage of - please stand up for yourself! Tell your boss the truth and that you don't want to look after this DC any more. His 'friend' is taking the piss completely by dumping her unruly DC on you and not even paying you for the childcare! Cheeky fucker, she is.

Well if you signed up to look after two boys who are normally at school and you have them full time, plus another, you need to have a factual conversation with your boss about what's working and not working.
Doesn't sound like his own children are doing very well out of it either!

Speak to your boss, and tell him its just not working and you can no longer do it. Give him the full low down on the boy's behaviour and how it affects his sons.

If the mother of the other boy so badly wants him to play with your two, then she can invite yours to a playdate at her place. Then she can see the problem for herself.

I also thought of that thread YesINameChangeEveryDay

The similarities are scary.

Speak to you employer OP, but don't hint. Say it isn't working for you OR your charges.

No funny business going on between the two, not that it's any of my business anyway but I believe she is married. I think they are just close friends. My boss owns his own company and I believe she is doing some work for him a couple of days a week. He probably just offered her free child care so she could get her work done.

When he asked me back in May to have him I thought it was just for a couple of weeks, not every week for the foreseeable future....

And yes, she does normally ask me how he's been when she picks him up which makes things awkward. I never know what to say.

None of the above! No hints etc. I think you need to have a professional chat with him about this. If it was an equivalent issue in a different sort of job, you wouldn't try and communicate with your line manager with hints. You need to discuss it, adult to adult. Make the points you have made here. The other boy is causing some unpleasantness and it is ruining your boys' days.

If he doesn't want to stop the visits altogether, I would ask if it could be limited to once every couple of weeks. I'm a SAHM and a playdate with the same child every two weeks is about right IME. After that, it is more like free childcare than play dates.

I would also mention the behaviour to the mum, because I'd want to know if my child was behaving like this in someone else's care. Definitely if she asks how his behaviour was, I would be honest, but obviously not brutally so.

Definitely speak to the boss and no need for subtle language. Describe what is going on, how it is upsetting his boys and say that you can't do it any more.
Is the other family paying you an extra to care for their child? This is not a 'play date' but regular childcare. It sounds as if both sets of parents are benefitting from this arrangement but it is to the detriment of you and the children. Even if the other boy was beautifully behaved you should still be paid extra for looking after him on a regular basis and they are very cheeky if they haven't offered this.