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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up nanny!

193 replies

Nanny991 · 06/08/2020 14:46

I’m a nanny and I look after two boys age 8 usually after school but full time at the minute due to covid. I get on very well with my boss and have formed a lovely bond/relationship with the two boys over the last year.

A couple of months ago my boss asked me if I would mind hosting some play dates/providing childcare once or twice a week with the boys best friend. He has been coming every Monday and Thursday, and honestly it’s been a nightmare from the start. He doesn’t listen, answers back, causes arguments between the two boys and just generally stresses me out. Don’t get me wrong, my two boys have their moments and sometimes don’t listen, can be grumpy but generally they are well behaved and understand the rules/boundaries. I like to think of myself as firm but fair and they have lots of treats/nice days out with me but they understand there are rules that come with that. My boss is usually very supportive and always backs me up if they misbehave.

Their friend has been over today and it’s been awful from the moment he walked through the door. They have all been arguing/crying non stop all morning (they do bicker at times but definitely not this much). Said friend is obviously a bit closer to one of the boys than the other which is fine, but this means that the other gets left out frequently. He has also been answering me back a lot, when I’ve asked them to tidy up toys etc. He can also be quite rough with the boys, slapping and hitting and when they ask him to stop he doesn’t listen, even when I get involved and ask him to calm down he just ignores me.

Boiling point came today when we were at the park earlier and he kept on climbing over the rails to get out. I asked him nicely quite a few times to stay in the park and explained the dangers of running away from me. He continued to ignore me so I took them all home, this resulted in non stop tears all the way home. I feel awful as his behaviour has ruined a nice day out for my two boys which I don’t think is fair but I’m not sure what other options I had. We’ve come home now and I’ve said no devices/tv for the rest of the day, told them they can colour, read, play with toys if they like which my two boys are doing but the friend is now sat on the sofa sulking. He keeps on asking me “if I’m good will you not tell my mum?”, I just haven’t answered.

I really don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes as they all obviously cannot get on and play nicely together. It is just constant bickering/screaming/arguing all day long and it’s not enjoyable for any of us. I did speak to his mum a couple of weeks ago as he ran away from me when we were on a walk and she was extremely nice and supportive about it and I believe she did speak to him. She seems approachable but I’m also conscious of pissing my boss off. He is extremely close to this lady and I’m not sure if he’d be “embarrassed” if I spoke to her and highlighted all these problems. I could tell him later tonight when he gets home but I’m not sure if the message would be passed on, which makes the whole thing pointless.
I don’t get paid extra to look after this child although I don’t mind as my boss gave me a large bonus at Christmas and is usually generous in other areas so I would like to be fair but also not be taken advantage of.

So, do I...

1.	Speak to the boys mum tonight when she picks him up (before my boss gets home) 

2.	Speak to my boss when he gets home and just hope he picks up on my hints and passes the message on

3.	Don’t say anything, give the boy another chance and just hope the situation improves

???

OP posts:
TheTigerWho · 07/08/2020 09:47

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Ask them both if your contract’s changing as you now seem to be working for two families.
This^^
Vodkacranberryplease · 07/08/2020 09:49

Hang on a minute - these aren't play dates. But what they are is a boss helping an employee out who would not be able to get childcare otherwise. So she can keep her job. He's seeing it as solving a problem for them all, it's not about trying to take the piss. If the boss had three kids he wouldn't pay the nanny more. It's not a crèche.

But the kids is a nightmare so it can't carry on. As many have said be straight and focus on the unhappiness created and lack of safety. Sounds like mum knows he's a little shit and is no doubt struggling too, and as an experienced nanny if anyone could bring him into line that's you, but you can't.

Plus you care about your charges and don't want to have to watch them being bullied. So they have to find another solution which for her could mean not being able to work. Sounds like he needs a bit more structure and discipline but if mum is a stretched single mum she may not have the bandwidth right now.

But actually the boss is being pretty good trying to help his employee out - he doesn't have to and there are millions of people without kids looking for jobs now. Pity none of them have taken up child minding 😁

Original poster
Nanny991 · 07/08/2020 09:51

@Vodkacranberryplease she isn't a single mum. She is married, I met her husband a couple of weeks ago when he came to pick the boy up.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 07/08/2020 09:52

Have you decided what you’re going to do @Nanny991?

Vodkacranberryplease · 07/08/2020 10:08

@Nanny991 ok well what I said still stands. She needs childcare to work but that shouldn't be you.

Their child is a liability and you care about 'your' two boys too much. She will need to make other arrangements and fortunately as she has a husband they can probably afford it. You've tried your best and it's not fair - if he had these three children from the start you would have quit ages ago!

AntiAuntieAnty · 07/08/2020 10:20

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]@Nanny991 ok well what I said still stands. She needs childcare to work but that shouldn't be you.

Their child is a liability and you care about 'your' two boys too much. She will need to make other arrangements and fortunately as she has a husband they can probably afford it. You've tried your best and it's not fair - if he had these three children from the start you would have quit ages ago![/quote]
Exactly. He IS taking the piss. This isn't about him being a nice boss, because he is taking advantage of one employee to offer another employee a huge perk. Childcare costs a bomb. Getting it for free, even if your child behaves like an angel, is a huge perk. You cannot give that to your fave employee at the expense of another employee. Ergo, he and the mum are absolute cheeky fuckers and it is about taking the piss imo.

MaggieFS · 07/08/2020 10:25

Reading @AntiAuntieAnty 's last post, I wonder if you should ask your boss if he needs any help calculating the taxable benefit value of your services which she is receiving! That might set the cat amongst the pigeons...

hadtojoin · 07/08/2020 10:28

Your boss's idea of 'having a word' with his DC and her saying she will 'talk to her child' is confirmation that both of them are still expecting the boy to still be cared for by you. This has been going on too long and I don't think her DC will change or get on better with his DC just because mummy says so. It is not fair on any of them for this arrangement to carry on.
Her DC will resent 'having to be good' and may be ok for a while but would probably slip back into his old ways like he has before. The child that is being left out would realise that if he is included it would only be because the other two have been 'forced' to let him join in. I worry that one brother being pushed out by this boy would cause problems between the 2 brothers.
I agree with the rest, you are being used for free child care because of the friendship between the boss and his worker which benefits them both financially but it is you and the boys who are bearing the brunt of it.
You need to tell your boss this cannot continue.

Realitybites21 · 07/08/2020 11:13

I think, sadly, despite the advice if looking into your insurance and Contract, what you you should say and how it should be said respectfully, going on your latest post you don’t have the confidence to be strong enough to stand your ground on this, OP.

Which is a shame because confidence breeds confidence and how your boss reacts would tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
Nanny991 · 07/08/2020 12:16

I have been reading all of your messages and taking everything on board.

I have emailed my boss this morning to ask if we can have a chat today when he comes home from work. I will tell him then that I no longer feel comfortable looking after this child and feel that the arrangement isn't working, for anyone.

I'll update you all later tonight
Thanks for all the advice and support so far

OP posts:
Atalune · 07/08/2020 12:23

Well done. Maker sure you have it clear in your mind what you wnat to say as well as how your boss might respond.

Don’t be swayed.

Rainbow12e · 07/08/2020 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2020 13:04

Great. Good luck. When I have difficult conversations I tend to make notes and go through it to ensure I get my point across. Don’t be fobbed off!

Happynow001 · 07/08/2020 13:09

Have a bit of an alter ego going on if needed (eg you are Xena Warrior Princess inside) whilst you have a calm but assertive discussion with him.

Also do some research before you meet him to check jobs available now in case your talk doesn't go well! (Best be prepared just in case!)

Remember - at the end of the day this is business - and negotiate to your advantage. Best of luck! 🌹

Potatobug · 07/08/2020 13:23

This is not the job you signed up to do so why are they forcing you into a situation that is clearly stressing you out? (and the boys too)
Tell the mum of that boy that you either get paid for what is essentially an extra duty on top of your existing ones or the arrangement is off. It is not up to your boss what extra duties you are willing to take on. He/she can’t arrange for you to look after extra children, especially without getting paid extra. FUCK THAT!

Tappering · 07/08/2020 13:24

Good luck and be very firm on this. The boy is not your responsibility and it's not on to use you as free childcare so that she can work!

forrestgreen · 07/08/2020 13:28

Yes to talking to your boss, are you providing free childcare for the other child, are the parents good friends?

The ch get excited about him coming over but after five minutes I'm managing bad behaviour, wrestling, hitting, answering back, not following rules, dangerous behaviour eg trying to leave the park.

Your sorry but your no longer available to look after the boy, your boss can facilitate the relationship on his time. Any other play dates cannot be full days.

Bobbybobbins · 07/08/2020 13:48

Right OP, you've got to be strong and firm now - you can do it!

This is in the best interests of his children at the end of the day - keep that in mind (as well as obviously the fact that you are being taken advantage of!) 💪

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/08/2020 13:51

Good luck OP, you can do this, remember your worth!

Also as a PP said previously I really hope you're getting paid more than your pre-covid arrangement of after school and I'm assuming school holidays childcare!

66redballons · 07/08/2020 13:54

Tell the truth when the mum asks. She can’t have given you the impression she expects you to lie about his behavior. If you Smith things over, she can’t talk to her son.
Definitely tell you boss, let her cancel this arrangement, she is paying your wages. It’s her responsibility to ensure your working conditions meet with your contract.

monkeymonkey2010 · 07/08/2020 14:47

You need to make it very clear to your boss that YOU FEEL you're being expected to provide FREE CHILDCARE for his employee - and you do NOT view the time he's here as 'playdates' due to the impact on the clients children.

THEN, you ask him to clarify the actual new arrangements re HIS children - and mention that those extra hours will have to be paid for going forward.
Remind him that you are only INSURED for BILLABLE HOURS....

You give people and inch and they'll take a mile....

Realitybites21 · 07/08/2020 14:52

Well done....& you need to have an ‘end date’ confirmed if they say this isn’t permanent.

Honeyroar · 07/08/2020 14:57

Well done. Be firm. It was meant to be the occasional play date it’s turned into regular care of an extra child with no discussion or recompose. It’s not acceptable. He won’t want to risk losing you over this, surely?

MzHz · 07/08/2020 14:58

Trouble is @Nanny991, you’re so shy of confrontation that you’ll struggle to communicate what you want to happen - which is for this piss taking arrangement that suits absolutely nobody except the kids mother - to stop.

If I were you I would send another email by way of a heads up so that he knows the subject coming his way and then your points being already made, all you have to do is back up the points by a simple phrase “I’m not prepared to carry on with this additional childcare arrangement. It’s not working for the kids, or for me”

The sooner this woman gets told to organise childcare for her ds, the better for her.

Atalune · 07/08/2020 16:54

Sending lots of courage!

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