Fed up nanny!

[Nanny991]

I’m a nanny and I look after two boys age 8 usually after school but full time at the minute due to covid. I get on very well with my boss and have formed a lovely bond/relationship with the two boys over the last year.

A couple of months ago my boss asked me if I would mind hosting some play dates/providing childcare once or twice a week with the boys best friend. He has been coming every Monday and Thursday, and honestly it’s been a nightmare from the start. He doesn’t listen, answers back, causes arguments between the two boys and just generally stresses me out. Don’t get me wrong, my two boys have their moments and sometimes don’t listen, can be grumpy but generally they are well behaved and understand the rules/boundaries. I like to think of myself as firm but fair and they have lots of treats/nice days out with me but they understand there are rules that come with that. My boss is usually very supportive and always backs me up if they misbehave.

Their friend has been over today and it’s been awful from the moment he walked through the door. They have all been arguing/crying non stop all morning (they do bicker at times but definitely not this much). Said friend is obviously a bit closer to one of the boys than the other which is fine, but this means that the other gets left out frequently. He has also been answering me back a lot, when I’ve asked them to tidy up toys etc. He can also be quite rough with the boys, slapping and hitting and when they ask him to stop he doesn’t listen, even when I get involved and ask him to calm down he just ignores me.

Boiling point came today when we were at the park earlier and he kept on climbing over the rails to get out. I asked him nicely quite a few times to stay in the park and explained the dangers of running away from me. He continued to ignore me so I took them all home, this resulted in non stop tears all the way home. I feel awful as his behaviour has ruined a nice day out for my two boys which I don’t think is fair but I’m not sure what other options I had. We’ve come home now and I’ve said no devices/tv for the rest of the day, told them they can colour, read, play with toys if they like which my two boys are doing but the friend is now sat on the sofa sulking. He keeps on asking me “if I’m good will you not tell my mum?”, I just haven’t answered.

I really don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes as they all obviously cannot get on and play nicely together. It is just constant bickering/screaming/arguing all day long and it’s not enjoyable for any of us. I did speak to his mum a couple of weeks ago as he ran away from me when we were on a walk and she was extremely nice and supportive about it and I believe she did speak to him. She seems approachable but I’m also conscious of pissing my boss off. He is extremely close to this lady and I’m not sure if he’d be “embarrassed” if I spoke to her and highlighted all these problems. I could tell him later tonight when he gets home but I’m not sure if the message would be passed on, which makes the whole thing pointless.
I don’t get paid extra to look after this child although I don’t mind as my boss gave me a large bonus at Christmas and is usually generous in other areas so I would like to be fair but also not be taken advantage of.

So, do I...

1.	Speak to the boys mum tonight when she picks him up (before my boss gets home) 

2.	Speak to my boss when he gets home and just hope he picks up on my hints and passes the message on

3.	Don’t say anything, give the boy another chance and just hope the situation improves

???

*the two, not "the to"

This is extra work for you. If you had a contract this other child should feature in it. Complain as it has become a regular thing. It's an imposition and the child is very difficult. Send a bill to the child's father.

1 and 2 (but TELL him, don't hint).

When she asks, tell her factually that even after repeated warnings her child behaved in a dangerous manner that ended an outing, and then sulked all afternoon after screens were banned.

Tell your boss everything you've said here, focusing on how this arrangement impacts the safety and well-being of his DC.

Tell him that you do not feel DC are safe when you are also in charge of the other boy out of the house and will not be taking them out again when he is present.

I don't know enough about nannies to advise on whether you should refuse to have him altogether or demand increased payment for doing so, but if you can do either of those you should.

I would be tempted to actually sit with him and ask him why he doesn't want me to tell his Mum, then discuss why his behaviour is jeopardising him coming over to play and I would listent o what he has to say and maybe say well if you are prepared to give being obedient when I ask the next time and you see an improvement that you won't be having a conversation with his Mum BUT you will have to speak to your boss about it, you will tell her the issues you have had and what you have agreed talking to him but if it happens again then the boys Mum will need to speak to his Mum about it. But you do need to follow through if he misbehaves again. With regard to one of the twins being left out - I know it sounds like more work but is there another child that could be invited - it might even things out a bit and take some of the tension in the situation away - alternatively could make it worse but its a thought

OP, come on, grow a backbone, you'll stay in this unhappy situation until you speak up for yourself. The alternative is that you say nothing, everything carries on as usual until you absolutely hate the job and leave. Why let it get to that? You can sort this by talking honestly to your boss. If he's a decent guy he'll be mortified and get it fixed. And do not offer any sort of compromise such as child care every other week or only once a week. Say no, it is unpleasant when this boy is here. Also, your salary is for the care of 2 children not 3. It's unfair that you get no extra pay for extra child.

Speak to your employer. tell him it's not working and highlight the child's negative behaviour towards his own children. If he wants the arrangement to continue I think something other than his children's happiness is his top priority...

Even if the child was a perfect angel,
A. Taking care of him isn't your job.
B. It changes the dynamic and impacts negatively on the boys in your care.

If you don't tell your boss, one of the children most certainly will!

They know they're missing out on treats because of the extra child and they know he won't do as he's told. They know he's hitting them.

A professional nanny gets in first with her side of the story. It's not your fault, but it could easily be phrased as such by a disgruntled child.

Your updates make it sound tricky as what will the mum do for childcare if the arrangements ceases. In this case I would tactfully state the facts of the day to the mum and the consequences . It sounds like you just need to manage it. Maybe ask for her suggest some downtime activities the visiting boy likes for when they all need time alone.

I think as there were tears all the way home & you effectively punished your charges for his behaviour, then you have to say something.

So is it that these "playdates" only happen when his mum is working?

They're not asked for by either boy that you look after?

So there's no doubt that it's childcare?

And detrimental to your boss's two boys?

Why would he let it continue?

I would tell Boss about the problems. I wouldn't hint but explain clearly and clearly ask Boss to speak to the other parents and put an end to their regular coming over.

If Boss isn't supportive, I would point out that the arrangement is for you to care for the 2 boys and not for 3 or 4 or whatever and when it's whole days, it has become something very different to the original arrangement and you do t feel able to look after the 2 effectively when there are more children.

It is up to the Boss to communicate with other parents and not you. Do not communicate with the other parents at all. You answer to your Boss and it is up to your Boss to ensure the work you have is what was agreed and to make adjustments as needed so that you can carry out your role. It is not your concern that this other parent might have childcare issues etc.

"what will the mum do for childcare if the arrangements ceases."

That's up to her to sort out!

What will any of them do if Op quits??

I don't think you do option 1, 2 or 3! You speak to your boss (alone - not when the kids are around) and very clearly tell them that you've really tried but it's not working out. Tell him what's been happening (without moaning) and just say it's not working. Your boss won't want to see their kids miss out on stuff or be treated badly by the friend either so hopefully will be supportive.

No, the boys do not ask for him to come over. They get excited when they hear he is coming but it's a different story once he's actually here. They just don't get on, and I know boys will bump heads at times but it's constant and it's extremely draining. I feel like all I've done today is tell them off.

The boy who is left out has said a couple of times that he doesn't want him to come, but he's said that to me not his dad so it's difficult.

He was dropped off at 8am today and is still here! Such a long day for all of us.

Op, sorry to say but you sound easy to take advantage of.

Your Boss has asked you to take on significantly more childcare and not paid you for it. It is beyond cheeky and they have done it because they know you're a pushover.

No doubt if you raise it, they will have excuses and suggest adjustments so you have to conit he after extra children.

The crucial point to make is that you are employed to look after 2 children. This is not odd ad hoc play dates but additional childcare beyond your employment agreement. You either need to negotiate more pay for the days you have the extra child, or if you aren't willing to have an extra child to say so.

However, given the Boss has seen you can be put in this position and out up with it for a while, they will probably manipulate you again to continue with this, as you probably won't be brace enough to be crystal clear that it is not acceptable to give you extra regular childcare that you are not paid for and have not agreed.

If you are brave and firm and clear and prepared for a bit of a struggle here (ie they won't just agree to stop the boy instantly) you could get this sorted out....but it will require being firm. Can you do that?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3969286-to-think-you-don-t-complain-when-you-re-getting-free-child-care

Could this be your employer ?

@MrsRabbitsHouse

*Speaking as a boss:

1. No!
2. No!
3. Absolutely no!

What you should do is clearly, unemotionally state the facts. You find the extra childcare stressful and it's not working out because XYZ (the boys don't get on, the other boy won't follow safe advice, and you don't feel you're able to give your two boys the focused care you're being paid for as a result).

Do not "hint". You need to flag the problem, and by all means state that you've mentioned the problems to this kid's mum.. but frankly it's not your problem to solve.

This is your boss' problem to solve. But to solve it, she/he needs clear communication from you, direct to them*

I am not a boss but this is the exact advice I would give too

It is baffling you need to ask
So straightforward
Talk to your employer

No hinting.
Give your boss a very clear wealth through of today, and focus on how it impacted his children. He needs to know that they don’t enjoy it.
Tell him that as the 3rd is a play date not your charge, he’s well aware that you have limited disciplinary options available to you.

It’s not even confrontation. I’d actually be pissed off with my nanny if she didn’t tell me that the third child was causing MH own children to have a miserable day.

Agree with @WombatChocolate. Irrespective of the behaviour, you need to value yourself more - he’s asked you to take on an extra child, two whole days a week, for no extra pay. That isn’t really ok even if the child is an angel. Add to that the fact the child is making your charges and you miserable, and he’s clearly taking advantage (even if it’s genuinely unintentional).

Just be factual - the boy is disrupting your employer’s own children, making them unhappy, and also his behaviour makes it challenging to keep them all safe eg escaping from the park. Furthermore when it was originally discussed you understood this was an arrangement for 2-3 weeks, not indefinitely. If the discussion had been about an indefinite change in the number of children you are responsible for, then that’s a significant change in your agreed responsibilities and there would be a financial conversation to have.

You don’t need to bring up the financial part if you really don’t want to, but it’s important to value yourself in any career and not shy away from money conversations. Although sounds like you don’t want this boy even if you were paid more, so just make it clear it’s making everyone unhappy.

2

This arrangement is not working. Boy 3 is disruptive and it is not possible to manage them.
I'm afraid alternative arrangements will have to be made.

Also in response to a direct enquiry from the mother - how was Boy3 today? Well, we had some problematic behaviour which impacted on our day I am afraid. I hope to see better behaviour if he comes over for a play date again.

What a cheek! Dumping off an unruly child to be cared for at no cost to the mother?

NOT on.

Do mention to the boy's father that the 'friend' is unruly and having a negative impact on his two children.

Your updates make it sound tricky as what will the mum do for childcare if the arrangements ceases.

Not her problem.

It sounds like you just need to manage it.

No she doesn't.

Maybe ask for her suggest some downtime activities the visiting boy likes for when they all need time alone.

The children she is employed to keep occupied doing activities they like to do, is not the one being shoehorned in as a freebie. They come, well and truly, first.

You need to clearly tell your boss that this arrangement is not working either for you OR his children! Short, clear and concise statements to get the message across, no flannel or waffle. It is not working for anyone involved.