Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up nanny!

193 replies

Nanny991 · 06/08/2020 14:46

I’m a nanny and I look after two boys age 8 usually after school but full time at the minute due to covid. I get on very well with my boss and have formed a lovely bond/relationship with the two boys over the last year.

A couple of months ago my boss asked me if I would mind hosting some play dates/providing childcare once or twice a week with the boys best friend. He has been coming every Monday and Thursday, and honestly it’s been a nightmare from the start. He doesn’t listen, answers back, causes arguments between the two boys and just generally stresses me out. Don’t get me wrong, my two boys have their moments and sometimes don’t listen, can be grumpy but generally they are well behaved and understand the rules/boundaries. I like to think of myself as firm but fair and they have lots of treats/nice days out with me but they understand there are rules that come with that. My boss is usually very supportive and always backs me up if they misbehave.

Their friend has been over today and it’s been awful from the moment he walked through the door. They have all been arguing/crying non stop all morning (they do bicker at times but definitely not this much). Said friend is obviously a bit closer to one of the boys than the other which is fine, but this means that the other gets left out frequently. He has also been answering me back a lot, when I’ve asked them to tidy up toys etc. He can also be quite rough with the boys, slapping and hitting and when they ask him to stop he doesn’t listen, even when I get involved and ask him to calm down he just ignores me.

Boiling point came today when we were at the park earlier and he kept on climbing over the rails to get out. I asked him nicely quite a few times to stay in the park and explained the dangers of running away from me. He continued to ignore me so I took them all home, this resulted in non stop tears all the way home. I feel awful as his behaviour has ruined a nice day out for my two boys which I don’t think is fair but I’m not sure what other options I had. We’ve come home now and I’ve said no devices/tv for the rest of the day, told them they can colour, read, play with toys if they like which my two boys are doing but the friend is now sat on the sofa sulking. He keeps on asking me “if I’m good will you not tell my mum?”, I just haven’t answered.

I really don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes as they all obviously cannot get on and play nicely together. It is just constant bickering/screaming/arguing all day long and it’s not enjoyable for any of us. I did speak to his mum a couple of weeks ago as he ran away from me when we were on a walk and she was extremely nice and supportive about it and I believe she did speak to him. She seems approachable but I’m also conscious of pissing my boss off. He is extremely close to this lady and I’m not sure if he’d be “embarrassed” if I spoke to her and highlighted all these problems. I could tell him later tonight when he gets home but I’m not sure if the message would be passed on, which makes the whole thing pointless.
I don’t get paid extra to look after this child although I don’t mind as my boss gave me a large bonus at Christmas and is usually generous in other areas so I would like to be fair but also not be taken advantage of.

So, do I...

1.	Speak to the boys mum tonight when she picks him up (before my boss gets home) 

2.	Speak to my boss when he gets home and just hope he picks up on my hints and passes the message on

3.	Don’t say anything, give the boy another chance and just hope the situation improves

???

OP posts:
Atalune · 06/08/2020 21:04

HonestlyA get you big girl pants on and say-

“It’s not safe for me to have BOY anymore. He constantly runs away, causes upset and is generally making the boys days that he is here very unpleasant. I will not have him going forward. Will you please let the mother know”

And if he splutters say

“I have been provided full time childcare for BOY will no consultation or renumeration and as it really isn’t working and it’s been for free it has to end. I don’t know what else you expect?”

And if he splutters again....hand your notice in.

Shizzlestix · 06/08/2020 21:14

My employer discussed me looking after her nephew as well as her own 2 dc. One of her dc was a demonic horror (throwing stuff, trying to hurt me, really difficult, I’d say ADD, looking back). I admit, I stropped and left her employ, there was no way I was having another child to look after as well as a crawling baby and the very difficult one. Please don’t tolerate this, you’re being taken advantage of.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2020 21:14

@helloareyouthere

OP, you cannot hope that by pointing out the boy's behaviour they will suddenly decide that you should no longer look after this child for free. There is no way that CF mother is going to give up two days of free childcare. Its' saving her around £100 a week! Similarly your boss, he gets to look like a good boss to his employee (who he clearly values more than you) and has his employee freed up to do the work he wants them to do. Neither of them are going to give this up because it makes your life harder. Frankly, they have no respect for you as an employee or a profession - they see you as as mug to be taken advantage of. Or, maybe they just have so little regard for you that they have never even stopped to think that asking you to provide your service for nothing ot a second family is taking the piss. Expecting them to suddenly develop as sense of decency and professionalism towards you clearly is not going to happen.

You have two choices -

  1. You tell them you are no longer providing your service for free to a second family you are not contracted (and perhaps not insured either) to provide a service for. You then either never take charge of that child again or set up a second full-fee contract with that second family.
  2. You continue to let them insult you and your profession by carrying on doing work for a second family for nothing. In which case, accept that you have accepted this and stop complaining about it.

Obviously I think you should do number 1. Take this as a chance to develop yourself. No-one likes confrontation but that doesn't mean you should let that fear stop you from standing up for yourself. Your whole life will be better if you are able to learn to assert yourself in a constructive, calm, but firm manner. It really will, OP. This is a learning and growth opportunity. Grasp it.

I totally agree with this. A couple of us have mentioned insurance. You need to address this. Especially with this child.
HouchinBawbags · 06/08/2020 21:51

Not a fucking chance I would be taking on a third child for two full days of childcare a week without changing my contract! IT IS NOT A PLAYDATE! IT IS CHILDCARE! And the behaviour is irrelevant. You are not being paid to look after him but he is taking your attention from the children you ARE being paid to care for.

Imagining your boss is an accountant. Would he be okay with one of his clients throwing in their brother in law's company's paperwork in for auditing as well for free just because he's doing the client's accounts? Would he fuck. So why are you doing unpaid childcare for another client?

Play dates are a couple of hours. Play dates are irregular. Play dates are reciprocated.

Also, as others have pointed out, you're probably not insured for an extra child who is being cared for off the books. For free.

wineandroses1 · 06/08/2020 22:30

Jesus wept. Op stand up for yourself!

Motoko · 06/08/2020 23:13

If you're a professional nanny, act professional!

You should have told your boss that you were not prepared to look after the child again, for all the reasons mentioned on this thread, including your contract and insurance.

You have to state what you want, or he's just going to continue to take the piss.

Yeahnahmum · 06/08/2020 23:21

Just come clean.
Tell them what is happening. Surely your boss will pick his kids happiness over play dates with his friends kid.
And be honest and straight to the point. No long story like here above just compact 'this isn't working anymore ' .

TokyoSushi · 06/08/2020 23:27

Oh OP, you're in a difficult position here and I'd feel the same not wanting to rock the boat, but I really think that you have to be firm and clear on this one! Come on, you can do it!

Helpimfalling · 06/08/2020 23:39

@TokyoSushi

Yes! *@YesINameChangeEveryDay* I thought of that thread too! OP it's clearly not working, and it doesn't seem at all that you are at fault. I would speak to your employer tonight and explain that the arrangements with the other boy just isn't working because of the reasons that you've stated here. Nobody would think that you were unreasonable.
Yes yes yes
InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 06/08/2020 23:41

Agree with everyone else - you need to act professionally and tell both your boss and the boys mum that it's not working for you anymore (if at all!) and you won't be looking after him going forward.

Lifesnotapicnic · 06/08/2020 23:54

Definitely taking pee out you op , tell them if they want childcare for her son , then draw up contract where your insured and paid .

GinDrinker00 · 07/08/2020 00:16

Just be straight and honest. Refuse to do it until a new contract is drawn up and give the reasons why.

Redlocks28 · 07/08/2020 00:23

As you getting any more money for this massive extra hassle?

I’d tell your boss that it was hideous and really not working out and you don’t want to do it any more.

You seem terrified at upsetting people-don’t be.

runninguphills · 07/08/2020 00:31

It doesn't need to be a confrontation. Just calmly speak to your boss and tell him the extra childcare isn't working out for the following reasons...

  1. It's really upsetting the younger child
  2. Third child is difficult to manage which impacts on a nice time for his sons.
  3. I cannot commit in providing regular childcare to another family in conjunction as its a different role than what I have applied for. Also, I have contract or agreements with this second family and it is not something I would like to pursue.
Happynow001 · 07/08/2020 05:44

@Nanny991

Boss came home shortly after and the boys had taken themselves upstairs to bed in a sulk. I told him that we'd not had a very good day and explained why and he just said he would talk to them tonight. I have no idea what to do now?
That was your opportunity to be open and honest....

OP, people will only take advantage of you consistently if you let them. You are placing a low value on your professional services by letting your boss and his friend undervalue your services in this way. I wonder if he'd allow that to happen in his own business?

I'm afraid the only person who is able to make this change is you.

Please stop suffering in silence and allowing yourself to be walked over (either professionally or in your personal life) and speak up clearly and firmly.

If you need to, re-read this thread and practice in your head what you are going to say to your boss (who is the person employing you, not the extra child's parent) and tell them exactly why you are not prepared to provide extra childcare (not, as other PPs have pointed out, "playdates") any more any be clear why. If you want to give time for the other parent to find other resource give them a very finite deadline which works for you and stick to it.

You can be assertive without being rude (people do often confuse the two) but for anything to change you need to stand up for yourself.

I would also see if you can take any courses available on being assertive and also negotiating skills, which can only be helpful for you in the future.

Deep breath and good luck OP. I hope you manage to get things sorted out. 🌹

snappycamper · 07/08/2020 06:08

Good advice there from Happynow001

This doesn't have to be confrontational OP, but you need to be assertive and stand up for yourself. I promise, it will feel good afterwards no matter how much you dread it beforehand.

BackwardsGoing · 07/08/2020 06:36

Do you get paid extra OP !?!

Icecreamsoda99 · 07/08/2020 06:50

OP you sound like a really sweet person but for goodness sake after 10 years in childcare why are you being so much of a pushover? Tell the boss it's not working, it's making all the children unhappy and it's making you unhappy, just tell him "it's not working" and you don't want it to continue, don't make suggestions, don't offer solutions, let him sort it out!

Realitybites21 · 07/08/2020 07:21

@nannynick

Any advice on this one?

BlokeNumber9 · 07/08/2020 07:35

Do not drop hints and hope that your boss picks up on them (never do that with anybody in fact). Instead, speak directly about this. And ask for a raise to deal with this third child.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 07/08/2020 08:11

@Nanny991

Looking at your update you didn't address the fact that your boss is taking you for a mug and you are basically working free for this woman's childcare.

Stand up for yourself otherwise you will continue to be used. You are an employee not a doormat.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 07/08/2020 09:13

You know what you need to do- explain to your boss your feeling taking advantage of. Your a nanny to his DC and this additional DC coming twice a week isn't a play date it is unpaid childcare and it is proving difficult to manage due to the DC behaviour. Your being far too passive - I would be clear with your boss if this situation doesn't change you will be seeking alternative employment. As a nanny you need to toughen up , it isn't an easy job and I am aware parents can place unreasonable demands on there's

MumW · 07/08/2020 09:32

I've been thinking about this from a "what would I do as a Mum in your position" and I realised 2 things
1: The issue of one being left out, I would arrange for a playdate with a 2nd child - either home or away
2: If 2 boys still bickered relentlessly and 'guest' child didn't behave, then no more dates.
3: I would expect other Mum to reciprocate to give me a break - they are taking the piss just because you are paid and you aren't being compensated either way.

MumW · 07/08/2020 09:35

That should say 3 things.Blush

Also, next time you are expected to care for 3rd child, I'd tell your boss that this arrangement will be ceasing if he plays up today.
The old MN "This doesn't work for me" (or your charges)

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/08/2020 09:45

Ask them both if your contract’s changing as you now seem to be working for two families.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.