Fed up nanny!

[Nanny991]

I’m a nanny and I look after two boys age 8 usually after school but full time at the minute due to covid. I get on very well with my boss and have formed a lovely bond/relationship with the two boys over the last year.

A couple of months ago my boss asked me if I would mind hosting some play dates/providing childcare once or twice a week with the boys best friend. He has been coming every Monday and Thursday, and honestly it’s been a nightmare from the start. He doesn’t listen, answers back, causes arguments between the two boys and just generally stresses me out. Don’t get me wrong, my two boys have their moments and sometimes don’t listen, can be grumpy but generally they are well behaved and understand the rules/boundaries. I like to think of myself as firm but fair and they have lots of treats/nice days out with me but they understand there are rules that come with that. My boss is usually very supportive and always backs me up if they misbehave.

Their friend has been over today and it’s been awful from the moment he walked through the door. They have all been arguing/crying non stop all morning (they do bicker at times but definitely not this much). Said friend is obviously a bit closer to one of the boys than the other which is fine, but this means that the other gets left out frequently. He has also been answering me back a lot, when I’ve asked them to tidy up toys etc. He can also be quite rough with the boys, slapping and hitting and when they ask him to stop he doesn’t listen, even when I get involved and ask him to calm down he just ignores me.

Boiling point came today when we were at the park earlier and he kept on climbing over the rails to get out. I asked him nicely quite a few times to stay in the park and explained the dangers of running away from me. He continued to ignore me so I took them all home, this resulted in non stop tears all the way home. I feel awful as his behaviour has ruined a nice day out for my two boys which I don’t think is fair but I’m not sure what other options I had. We’ve come home now and I’ve said no devices/tv for the rest of the day, told them they can colour, read, play with toys if they like which my two boys are doing but the friend is now sat on the sofa sulking. He keeps on asking me “if I’m good will you not tell my mum?”, I just haven’t answered.

I really don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes as they all obviously cannot get on and play nicely together. It is just constant bickering/screaming/arguing all day long and it’s not enjoyable for any of us. I did speak to his mum a couple of weeks ago as he ran away from me when we were on a walk and she was extremely nice and supportive about it and I believe she did speak to him. She seems approachable but I’m also conscious of pissing my boss off. He is extremely close to this lady and I’m not sure if he’d be “embarrassed” if I spoke to her and highlighted all these problems. I could tell him later tonight when he gets home but I’m not sure if the message would be passed on, which makes the whole thing pointless.
I don’t get paid extra to look after this child although I don’t mind as my boss gave me a large bonus at Christmas and is usually generous in other areas so I would like to be fair but also not be taken advantage of.

So, do I...

1.	Speak to the boys mum tonight when she picks him up (before my boss gets home) 

2.	Speak to my boss when he gets home and just hope he picks up on my hints and passes the message on

3.	Don’t say anything, give the boy another chance and just hope the situation improves

???

I would do 2 but be direct and tell him it is not working and you would like this regular arrangement to stop.

No hints, you need to be straight with your boss. These are not playdates, and this child is making your job difficult and IS A NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE FOR YOUR BOSS'S CHILDREN. He cares about his children - right?

I'm sure everyone else has said it but your boss and their lady friend are complete piss takers. He is basically getting you to provide free childcare for his mate. If he wants to be generous to his mate he needs to do that by PAYING you to take on their kids. Not pretend he is generous whilst he is actually getting you to work for free.

Makes me mad to hear about people treating their employees like this to be honest.

You should also point out that when your boss originally mentioned it, you were of the understanding that it was a playdate, not a continuous childcare arrangement going on for months. That would need a change in your contract (and increased wages) and you wouldn't have agreed if you had known this.

So, your boss asked you to do 1/3 extra work 2 days a week, for free, and you just said yes, without any sort of discussion about long this would be going in for, what would happen if it wasn’t working, how this fit in terms of who was actually employing you to look after this boy, what the boundaries and expectations are....?

You need to have this conversation immediately.

The boy’s parents are taking the royal piss, your employer is letting them, and you’re allowing all of it. Stop being a mug.

Tell them that the only way this continues is if you get paid your standard rate to look after him, and if you have your usual methods of discipline for the boy and feedback to his parents, and options to end the arrangement if it isn’t working.

He probably just offered her free child care so she could get her work done

He might have wanted free childcare for his employee - but if he did he should have been prepared to pay YOU for it. And NOT expect you to provide services for free. Tbh that makes it worse! He is expecting you to work for nothing (in relation to this child) to help his business out. What an advantage taking entitled arsehole!

@OverTheRainbow88 I was just about to say the same thing!
Very similar 'firm but fair' etc

@Elastins

So, your boss asked you to do 1/3 extra work 2 days a week, for free, and you just said yes, without any sort of discussion about long this would be going in for, what would happen if it wasn’t working, how this fit in terms of who was actually employing you to look after this boy, what the boundaries and expectations are....?

You need to have this conversation immediately.

The boy’s parents are taking the royal piss, your employer is letting them, and you’re allowing all of it. Stop being a mug.

Tell them that the only way this continues is if you get paid your standard rate to look after him, and if you have your usual methods of discipline for the boy and feedback to his parents, and options to end the arrangement if it isn’t working.

This exactly.

PP are right you need to speak frankly to your boss

Surely you need 2 approaches - tell the mother about her son trying to escape today and ignoring you, and that he sulked in response to the punishment. Don’t say anything about further play dates.

Then tell your boss that you won’t be continuing with the 2 days a week of childcare for this boy - explain how his behaviour impacts on his sons and that as they don’t play well together you feel taken advantage off. You are then free to arrange shorter, more adhoc play dates with the boys other friends.

He can tell her that the child care arrangement isn’t working out because that is what it is, not a play date at all.

I think some of the approaches suggested here are wrong. The main issue is not that the boy is badly behaved. Mentioning this implies that is he behaved well, the arrangement is ok.

The issue is that OP is being taken for a mug and asked to provide her services for free for another family. Not even honestly asked, as it was done under the pretext of 'playdates'.
The real issues is that she is being asked to give free childcare to another family. She needs to say clearly that she is contracted to provide childcare for her bosses children only, and as such she is no longer prepared to provide her services for free for another family. If they object she may want to say that she was told it was playdates, but actaully it has turned out to be a two day a week childcare service and ad hoc two hour playdates at all.
If they offer to pay her, she either refuses outright if she does not want to do it - then she could explain about the behaviour if she chooses - though again that raises issues about whether she would take the child if the behaviour improves. Or simply says, no I am contracted for this family only.
If she does want the extra work, she should charge her full daily fee for this family, and not be pressured into some crappy cut-rate service, adn draw up a complete second contract with this family.

OP don't let them guilt trip you - they created this situation by taking advantage of you. You are a professional providing a professional service. Know your worth.

I would tell mum the facts about the day when she collects him. She needs to know.

I would be very firm about the situation with your boss and enquire as to how long he intends to keep this arrangement going. These aren’t play dates he basically giving away child care. Everyone wins except you in this situation!

What helloareyououthere said.

Being dropped off at 8am and still there after 4pm is not a playdate - it's childcare.

Your boss is taking the piss and using you as cheap labour to facilitate his employee getting work done.

You need to tell the boy's mother that he's not been happy, lots of tears and poor behaviour and that this is becoming more frequent.

You need to tell the boss that its not working, the boys are getting hurt and one is being actively left out, and the other child is consistently not well-behaved. You also need to point out that his initial suggestion of play dates made this sound like a temporary arrangement, but that it has morphed into long-term additional childcare responsibilities, for which you are not paid.

I agree, tell boss that the child care arrangement he’s made for this woman isn’t working for anyone, not you, and certainly not his dc.

You’ve given it as much time as you’re prepared to to give the boy a chance, but after today you are not prepared to take him back.

Let your boss deal with it, but this week is the last he’s coming over.

You need to tell the boy's mother that he's not been happy, lots of tears and poor behaviour and that this is becoming more frequent.

This too

@OverTheRainbow88 I thought the same!

Update -

The mother came to pick him up, asked how he'd been. He was clearly upset so I decided to explain, nicely. Explained about the park incident and that they had been arguing all day, actively leaving one child out. She did apologise and said she would have a chat with him tonight. She also agreed with me on the fact that one of the boys gets left out frequently so they obviously know about that already but choose to do nothing about it. She then said "is he okay to come back next?" ... I just didn't even know what to say.

Boss came home shortly after and the boys had taken themselves upstairs to bed in a sulk. I told him that we'd not had a very good day and explained why and he just said he would talk to them tonight. I have no idea what to do now?

The friends mum has just text me to apologise again, said she will make sure he behaves the next time he comes....

The third child is in your care and what happened at the park with him trying to escape your care is a massive safeguarding issue so you must report what happened to his mum as she has a right to know, along with the fact that he ignores your firm and fair instructions and also ignores your two boys when they try to tell him to behave.
Then tell your boss that you had no alternative but to report the safeguarding issue to the mum. You should also tell him the negative and disruptive effect the third child has on your boys each and every time he comes over and give clear examples as you have here.
Keeping this information from your boss and from the child’s mum In the hope his behaviour improves simply isn’t in the child’s best interests. He clearly needs some kind of parental intervention if he is to join in safely with your established routine and safe boundaries.

Do not talk to the mother, your boss arranged this with her he can un-arrange it too, fuck that!

When your boss walks in say "Hi John, look taking Josh isn't working out so from next week I won't be looking after him" When he asks why just say "To be honest he is badly behaved, cheeky, sulky, he leaves x out, he is a nightmare to mind, he runs off which isn't safe for him or for the boys when i have to chase him and honestly it was sold as a play date but actually it's two free says or childcare for x and it makes it two nightmare days for me and the boys"

You aren't doing it, tell him, don't ask, don't apologise, don't talk to the mother

Sorry cross posts. Fuck that! Tell your boss it's not happening next week! Cheeky bastards

Your boss is going to convince the boys to let home be there again next week, isn't he?

The fact that his mum asked about him being there again next week-I'm guessing it's not your decision, but maybe she could find childcare if it's a no from your boss?

She didn't say, that she wouldn't be able to manage did she?

Come on Op, get some backbone here and sort it out! I hope you’re not also providing all day care instead of after school care for the same money, or you really are being fleeced!

Tell employer the truth, and state you’re not willing to have the child again, and he can tell the mother. Otherwise maybe you should look for another job, although as a nanny you will find yourself in the CF territory quite often, so either way, you need to take a grip on yourself and stand up for yourself; you CAN do it

Very tempting to tell CF Mum that your rates are £plenty/hour, and that is what she will be charged going forwards, as you need to have the insurance to cover you both, if she is going to be using you as regular childcare.
But then you run the risk that she will pay it.....
Alternatively, realise that you DO have a vote and tell your boss that you are paid to look after his DCs and you do not wish to look after brattykid even if you were paid extra. Thanks, but no thanks.
Are you prepared to threaten to leave? Good nannies are very hard to find, I believe.