Fed up nanny!

[Nanny991]

I’m a nanny and I look after two boys age 8 usually after school but full time at the minute due to covid. I get on very well with my boss and have formed a lovely bond/relationship with the two boys over the last year.

A couple of months ago my boss asked me if I would mind hosting some play dates/providing childcare once or twice a week with the boys best friend. He has been coming every Monday and Thursday, and honestly it’s been a nightmare from the start. He doesn’t listen, answers back, causes arguments between the two boys and just generally stresses me out. Don’t get me wrong, my two boys have their moments and sometimes don’t listen, can be grumpy but generally they are well behaved and understand the rules/boundaries. I like to think of myself as firm but fair and they have lots of treats/nice days out with me but they understand there are rules that come with that. My boss is usually very supportive and always backs me up if they misbehave.

Their friend has been over today and it’s been awful from the moment he walked through the door. They have all been arguing/crying non stop all morning (they do bicker at times but definitely not this much). Said friend is obviously a bit closer to one of the boys than the other which is fine, but this means that the other gets left out frequently. He has also been answering me back a lot, when I’ve asked them to tidy up toys etc. He can also be quite rough with the boys, slapping and hitting and when they ask him to stop he doesn’t listen, even when I get involved and ask him to calm down he just ignores me.

Boiling point came today when we were at the park earlier and he kept on climbing over the rails to get out. I asked him nicely quite a few times to stay in the park and explained the dangers of running away from me. He continued to ignore me so I took them all home, this resulted in non stop tears all the way home. I feel awful as his behaviour has ruined a nice day out for my two boys which I don’t think is fair but I’m not sure what other options I had. We’ve come home now and I’ve said no devices/tv for the rest of the day, told them they can colour, read, play with toys if they like which my two boys are doing but the friend is now sat on the sofa sulking. He keeps on asking me “if I’m good will you not tell my mum?”, I just haven’t answered.

I really don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes as they all obviously cannot get on and play nicely together. It is just constant bickering/screaming/arguing all day long and it’s not enjoyable for any of us. I did speak to his mum a couple of weeks ago as he ran away from me when we were on a walk and she was extremely nice and supportive about it and I believe she did speak to him. She seems approachable but I’m also conscious of pissing my boss off. He is extremely close to this lady and I’m not sure if he’d be “embarrassed” if I spoke to her and highlighted all these problems. I could tell him later tonight when he gets home but I’m not sure if the message would be passed on, which makes the whole thing pointless.
I don’t get paid extra to look after this child although I don’t mind as my boss gave me a large bonus at Christmas and is usually generous in other areas so I would like to be fair but also not be taken advantage of.

So, do I...

1.	Speak to the boys mum tonight when she picks him up (before my boss gets home) 

2.	Speak to my boss when he gets home and just hope he picks up on my hints and passes the message on

3.	Don’t say anything, give the boy another chance and just hope the situation improves

???

What on earth would you do if someone was causing your charges a problem in the park, would you sit there passively? Let the bully knows whatever they wanted?

No. You wouldn’t

So stop allowing this situation to rumble on by inability to report the facts.

You need to tell boss that his boys are fine, that they’re a pleasure to work with, but that the additional childcare foisted on you is upsetting everyone and it can’t continue. Tell him you have told her what happened today, she wants to know if the boy can come back, but on reflection you’re not going to agree to that. As the arrangements were made through him, you’d be grateful if he can inform her that these arrangements are to stop. For clarity, you’re happy to have kids over on an ad hoc basis every so often, but not all day, not every week and not without your agreement.

I agree, if he won’t do this, you will have to consider leaving

I'd be telling my employer that this is compromising his children's safety and wellbeing, and that I felt I'd be very remiss not to point this out to him and to say that the short-term arrangement really should be ended, in their interests. And that I'd agreed to do it as a short-term arrangement, not the long-term arrangement it seemed in danger of becoming.

As I understand it, good nannies are like gold-dust. If you've got one, you'd be a prize chump to jeopardise that arrangement by attempting to continue to skate a freebie for a mate.

Well done talking to both. Your interest is in the two boys first and foremost. And your not being paid to look after the third child. Maybe say to boss that if he wasn’t as disruptive it would be much easier to care for him, but as it stands his children aren’t getting the attention he’s paying you for as you’re spending so much time chasing /reprimanding/dealing with a feral Spoilt little bastard Challenging child who needs more care than you seem to be able o to provide for him ..?? Sorry your in a difficult position. X

So you need to maintain your position and escalate it if the behaviour doesn’t improve on the next visit (which sounds doubtful) you speak to both mum and boss again “sorry, I am afraid there’s been no improvement on the behaviour issues I mentioned last week, this is no longer working you need to find other childcare for the boy”

I think you are having the extra boy for too many hours. Can you cut it down to a morning or afternoon?

So you need to speak to your boss and tell him that the Mum is talking about the next time that the boy comes round, yet these are supposed to be playdates. And if they were playdates then all concerned would agree that they weren't working and stop them.

Then go quiet and see what he says. If he still wants the boy to come round, then you need to tell him that this is clearly childcare rather than a playdate and that you are not happy with A) the effect it's having on your charges, and B) the fact that it's a huge amount of extra work and responsibility for you because the other boy is so badly behaved.

Then go quiet again and see what he says. If he insists on it carrying on, then I'd look for a new family.

OP another one saying you are being used for free child care. Even if the third child was angelic, you are being taken for a ride.

You need to point this out to your employer. You are not doing two hour play dates (and usually there'd be a reciprocal play date) you are doing 8 hour child care. It is not working out well for at least one of the children you are looking after and certainly not for you.

Why not write a message or ring your employer? Tell them you didn't want to discuss it within earshot of them but that the situation is not working. Outline the reasons as you have mentioned them, remind him that there was never a suggestion that this was a permanent arrangement.

Your Contract of Employment is with your employer. I think if anything happens to this boy and it comes out that you have been looking after him for set hours and days, you need legal protection. Who is your Nanny Insurance with? You should speak to them asap and get proper clear clarification on this.

Op's employer knows that it's a full day of childcare.

It was at his suggestion as the boy's mother works for him!

If that’s aimed at me, I know

Talking from someone who knows someone works in the industry.

Something happens to the child that actually isn’t officially being looked after and the nanny gets sued for neglect.

It happened.

Boss came home shortly after and the boys had taken themselves upstairs to bed in a sulk. I told him that we'd not had a very good day and explained why and he just said he would talk to them tonight. I have no idea what to do now?

So that's all he said? Seems as far as your boss is concerned it'll be business as usual for you - extra work and no extra pay to reflect this.

I'd be looking for a different job.

Just seen your updates. Your boss is taking the mick. 8 - 4.30!! Ignoring behaviour and anything else. It is not your job to have another child for that much time. You boss needs to separate work from home life and employ someone who can sort out their own childcare.

OP, you cannot hope that by pointing out the boy's behaviour they will suddenly decide that you should no longer look after this child for free. There is no way that CF mother is going to give up two days of free childcare. Its' saving her around £100 a week! Similarly your boss, he gets to look like a good boss to his employee (who he clearly values more than you) and has his employee freed up to do the work he wants them to do.
Neither of them are going to give this up because it makes your life harder. Frankly, they have no respect for you as an employee or a profession - they see you as as mug to be taken advantage of. Or, maybe they just have so little regard for you that they have never even stopped to think that asking you to provide your service for nothing ot a second family is taking the piss.

Expecting them to suddenly develop as sense of decency and professionalism towards you clearly is not going to happen.

You have two choices -

1. You tell them you are no longer providing your service for free to a second family you are not contracted (and perhaps not insured either) to provide a service for. You then either never take charge of that child again or set up a second full-fee contract with that second family.
2. You continue to let them insult you and your profession by carrying on doing work for a second family for nothing. In which case, accept that you have accepted this and stop complaining about it.

Obviously I think you should do number 1. Take this as a chance to develop yourself. No-one likes confrontation but that doesn't mean you should let that fear stop you from standing up for yourself. Your whole life will be better if you are able to learn to assert yourself in a constructive, calm, but firm manner. It really will, OP. This is a learning and growth opportunity. Grasp it.

I think you are having the extra boy for too many hours. Can you cut it down to a morning or afternoon?

That's still piss-taking free childcare. If your boss asked you to go work for half a day a week for another organisation for no pay, what woudl you say @nicky7654

I’d definitely raise it with the boss.

One thing I will say though, the old “two’s company, three’s a crowd” applies very well to children! Two children can get along marvellously, or play separately. Add a third into the mix - it can be the most well behaved child in the universe - and all hell will often break loose. Ganging up. Leaving out. Things going too far because one will want to impress the friend they paired up with bb

You really need to just tell your boss you can no longer take the extra child. I wouldn't even give a reason, its not working out, thats it.

Just call his bloody parents, tell them you need him picked up immediately as his behaviour is disgraceful and you are not being paid enough to deal with him.

Honestly this is insane.

You need to tell boss that you’re paid to take care of 2 dc and that’s what you’ll be doing from here on in.

Providing free childcare for someone’s little shit of a child is so, so ridiculous!

You are employed to look after the two boys. Having friends over is only ok if it’s working with you and it’s clearly not. You need to tell your boss you are very sorry but you arnt prepared to have him over again as it too stressful and her boys have a nicer day with out him. Be firm and stand up for yourself. Don’t be made to feel bad it’s not ok for them to put this on you stand your ground

@helloareyouthere Yes I know.that but the OP had agreed to look after the boy.

And to add to this practically unanimous thread, I bloody hope you're not currently being paid (during lockdown) what you were being paid pre-covid, when the boys were in school all day!

If you are, fgs - leave!