To want a 3rd child even though I already have 2 disabled children

[Fedupmum88]

I have two children with severe asd. I love them both dearly but it is hard work. Alongside the ASD they have a few health issues and sleep disorders. It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently. AIBU to want a third child?

[quote Brownthomas13]@Fedupmum88 I had a severely disabled child, couldn’t breathe, eat, sit, walk or talk independently. He needed 24 hour care. Life was very tough with home nursing and no down time.
We decided to have another baby as I too felt ‘robbed’. I wanted to be a mother & not a nurse. To hold a newborn, enjoy pregnancy, breastfeed and plan a future for a child.

It’s been hard but having DD was the best decision we ever made. She’s healed my broken heart.

I’m more than just a Carer now. I feel whole. I’m exhausted but fulfilled.[/quote]
Thank you for sharing. That’s how I feel unfulfilled. I love my boys dearly but it’s so hard not having kisses or cuddles or hearing the words I love you.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I know in my head what I should do but my heart is telling me something else 😩

I have 2 children. One has special needs and the other is neurotypical and I find life very hard. There is absolutely no way I could have any other child. It wouldnt be fair on the kids I already have, practical reasons and financial reasons. BUT........ I am still constantly broody and always feel like I want more children. I have to fight the feelings away. I think it is just a natural urge

I do think that the fantasy of your future children is just that. They have their own personalities, likes and dislikes. They never turn out how you imagine, NT or not. You can take them to football or to ballet, you can push them or influence them, but they are their own person(s). They have their own idiosyncrasies.

You can tell someone you love them without meaning it. Love is felt, it's actions and caring. I feel for you OP, but child 3 won't be how you imagine even if they are NT or a girl.

[quote Brownthomas13]@Fedupmum88 I had a severely disabled child, couldn’t breathe, eat, sit, walk or talk independently. He needed 24 hour care. Life was very tough with home nursing and no down time.
We decided to have another baby as I too felt ‘robbed’. I wanted to be a mother & not a nurse. To hold a newborn, enjoy pregnancy, breastfeed and plan a future for a child.

It’s been hard but having DD was the best decision we ever made. She’s healed my broken heart.

I’m more than just a Carer now. I feel whole. I’m exhausted but fulfilled.[/quote]
How does that fit in with your child needing 24 hour care, if that's not an offensive question? Doesn't your older child need just as much care but you now have less time?

Thank you for sharing. That’s how I feel unfulfilled. I love my boys dearly but it’s so hard not having kisses or cuddles or hearing the words I love you.

That’s the most natural thing in the world. You’ve hard a very hard time on this thread but a some of the posters who are telling you not to have another probably also take for granted hearing “Mummy” and having DC with a certain level of ability to interact with them.

Do what feels right for you if you can manage it practically and financially.

@Serin

Havelockvetinari I am sorry if that is your lived experience but I actually find it quite insulting to assume that any child, born into a family with older siblings who have complex needs, will be expected to care for them. Or be some sort of saviour sibling. Through my work I know several families who are resolute that their NT child will not grow up to be their siblings carer or even advocate. Stop imagining that all families think and function the same way.

Nobody knows what state our economy, health and social services will be in a few years time. It may not be realistic to expect current levels of support will continue; and they might not exist at all.

Unless you use a donated embryo you almost certainly will have another child with ASC and that would be unfair on everyone.
It’s completely understandable that you would want to be a parent again when parenting hasn’t been how you imagined it.

I feel for you OP , I always wanted a third. But my daughter has ASD and even 5 mins of a baby in the room she’s in meltdown. It took 8-9 years before she slept through-to have another baby now would shatter that.

I have to put her first. But it doesn’t mean I can’t hurt over what I can’t have

@ArriettyJones
I totally agree. OP you have to do what is right for you. I hope it works out for you, you deserve some happiness

Oh OP things sound so difficult for you and I can completely understand your desire for a third child
In your situation however I really wouldn't. Like PP have said, you have a significant chance of having another child with SEN or having a NT child who essentially ends up as a carer for your two eldest.
I have a DD with HFA , sensory processing disorder and possibly ADHD. I find that exhausting. I also have DD2 who is NT. I love DD1 very much but it's hard work and for that reason I would never risk having DC3.
to you

Hi op.

My 1st is profoundly disabled.

I was desperate to have another child pretty much as soon as he was born. Feeling robbed as you call it is exactly right.

Tbh it wasn't fair on ds for me to have more children, I can't give him the time and attention he needs now I have other typically developing kids, thsy demand my time and attention.

But, I don't think I would still be here if I hadn't had more kids. I could not accept the fact that I had to sacrifice my life for a child I didn't want. I couldn't cope seeing everyone else's typically developing children. Depressed doesn't even cover it.

And if you're giving up on you to raise your existing children, then why not add more to the mix. I don't know how old yours are but once they're in school it's eaiser, and there is help avaliable in the form of carers and charity workers and respite facilities.

There's no prize for being a martyr when you have a disabled kid. If you think having a thrid will make you happy, then do it.

That being said. My ds condition was random, I had no more chance of having another disabled child as anyone else does. If both yours are asd, what's the chance the thrid will be too?

I can totally, totally understand why you want a third, OP. Completely and utterly.
But the third child would be the carer, unquestionably. And I don't think that's fair. So personally, I couldn't have a third unless I could put things in place to ensure that child doesn't end up burdened by the full-time care of his/her siblings.

Your advice is quite peculiar, Alabama

@Fedupmum88

I could have written your post.

I longed to do all the normal things every other parent takes for granted. I desperately wanted to bf - ds was tube fed. He's never met a milestone, he's unlikely to ever talk or even communicate. Seeing someone chasing a naughty toddler would actually bring me to tears.

My typical dd brings so much joy into my life. She is the greatest thing I ever did.

It now doesn't matter so much what ds can't do and the pressure is actually off him now. I accept he is what he is now.

"Your advice is quite peculiar,"

All I'm saying is you have to do what is right for you. You have to sacrifice so much for a disabled child. If having another child is what you want, then do it, dont
don't sacrifice your happiness further.

And its not a given that typical children will look after disabled siblings. Who do you think looks after the child if they don't have siblings. I will never ask my children to be a carer for their brother. It's not their job.

@Thisismytimetoshine no, not offensive at all.
Thankfully when a child is so sick there are amazing supports available. Respite nursing, home nursing so I can sleep, home Carer support hours, respite & he goes to a centre from 8-3pm daily - collected & dropped home. I hadn’t availed of these supports before DD (only night nursing) as I was a bit of a martyr!!! I saw my life as his nurse and didn’t leave his side for 3 years.
Once DD arrived I tried this life for 6 weeks but couldn’t cope so called in the services that could help me. Within a week they were all in place. For both children they have a much better life now. DD has my time when DS is in ‘school’. DS has his own independent life without me.
DD is so kind to DS but I don’t want her to be his Carer. I will allow him to go to independent living as an adult. Before DD I would have kept him with me forever - which looking back would have been unfair to him.

And I get to be a mother in every sense of the word. It was a huge decision for us but the right one.

@Alabamawhirly1
Good for you - so lovely to read how happy having your second has made you

No one who has read the OPs previous threads would advise her to have another child, regardless of their special needs. Her husband provides no support and she has previously posted about giving the children away. I have no doubt that she is completely, justifiably overwhelmed, but this is not a situation that a new child is going to improve.

In your position, Fedupmum, I wouldn't even consider a third. The two you have take up enough of your energy.

My oldest doesn't have sn but
My middle child has recently been diagnosed with asd,adhd,sleep disorder and ocd. I also have a one year old and it really is
Hard going ,he is a great baby and my oldest is amazing with her sister but it's a strain to divide myself into 3.
Partner getting snip as 3 is my limit. Love them all dearly but I am very burnt out most days trying to juggle working part time and caring for all the kids plus the sensory needs which change every day. X

That’s how I feel unfulfilled. I love my boys dearly but it’s so hard not having kisses or cuddles or hearing the words I love you.

That's a lot of expectation to put on the third child. My advice would be to have some therapy first to be sure you're not having a child to fulfil your own unmet emotional needs as that would be a huge amount of pressure for that child if that's the role they're being born into.

It's also worth remembering that the experience of family life that you feel is lacking is what you're bringing this potential other child into - they're going to experience never receiving that affection from their older siblings too.

I have 3 disabled DC (ASD, etc etc) who are now teens. Although I'm their official carer and the DC don't have to do any of the active care, they're effectively carers for each other in lots of ways too as they have to modify their own behaviour and their expectations of life to accommodate their siblings' needs and are restricted in many ways by factors beyond their control. It's unfair but it's just how life is for them, in the same way it's just how life is for me.

It's also worth remembering that even if another DC isn't born with SN, they might develop MH issues from the pressure of what sounds like an extremely challenging situation. Hopefully if you have another child they'll be fortunate enough to be incredibly resilient and to cope with everything life throws at them. But what if they're not?

Having regard for a SN family member at all times and accepting that your needs will always be secondary to theirs is fucking hard for a parent. For a sibling without SN it's utter shit. And for a sibling with SN, it can prove impossible.

Do what you have to do. But be clear as to why, as the child will likely grow up and ask you if things don't go well for them.

Sorry for derailing a bit but can I just ask, is ASD genetic? I’m very interested in learning more about this topic, I didn’t realize how common it was to have more than 1 child affected in a family.

Just to add, OP, I do absolutely get why you want to have another child.

I often have a fleeting vision of what my perfect little mini-me would have been like. And the idea of parenting again with a child like everyone else's who learns things and develops independence and will one day float off to university and then conquer the world is very appealing.

In another life; that would have been amazing. But it wouldn't work in my actual life to have another baby, despite how much I wish it would.

The way I've dealt with it is by finding other ways to seek fulfilment in life by pursuing other achievements outside of parenting. Bringing another human into an existing challenging situation is a very high risk (and morally complex) strategy compared to all the alternative and completely harmless ways to find fulfilment.

@JanMeyer

OP, even if you were guaranteed to have an ''easy'' third child, it absolutely wouldn't be fair on them. A schoolfriend had a much older ASD sibling, and he made her life utter hell.

So based on your one example what, no-one with an autistic child should ever have another child? And what if the autism isn't diagnosed until the second child is actually born? Should they just give the autistic one back just in case they don't get on with the NT one? I don't think the OP should have another child but your comment is bang out of order. For what it's worth neither of my autistic brothers "made my life hell" growing up. Oh, and there's no such thing as an "ASD sibling." ASD is not an adjective in the same way as autistic is. You can be autistic, you can have an autistic sibling. You cannot be ASD or have an ASD sibling.

That’s all very well, but why deliberately choose to bring another child into such a situation?