talking in such generalised terms when actually speaking about personal experience only spreads negativity around having a disabled child
Alabama thanks for posting that helpful link and apologies to anyone who thought my phrasing came across as glib - I was looking at it from the perspective of my teen DS and how he feels, and it never occurred to me (perhaps because of my own neurodivergence/failing to accurately 'read the room') that people would take me to be shitting on disabled people or would interpret what I said about the experience of a sibling as implying any malicious intent on the part of an autistic person when they do lash out.
I am positive about disability generally in life and often challenge negative perceptions of disabled people. I don't feel that acknowledging how challenging it can often be to care for, or be a sibling to, a disabled person undermines the respect and understanding that disabled people are entitled to.
I also assumed that I didn't need to state that I was speaking from personal experience because (1) this is Mumsnet and everyone's just an anonymous random and (2) I'd already stated my personal circumstances upthread so I didn't expect that people would read me as professing to speak on behalf of anyone except myself.
If I came across as negative, that also might be because I'm in a personal situation at the moment where I'm having to push for professionals to appreciate the impact of my other DC's disabilities on my DS (who, for the record, isn't NT) and the only people who seem to recognise the pressure he is under is our local Carers' Centre (who are wonderful and really supportive). The local authority and everyone else seem to think it's fine to leave DS in an untenable situation without the support he desperately needs in the same way they do with me as an adult carer - until I break, I'm (perhaps understandably) not a priority to them, and while I can choose to pick my battles and accept that for myself, it's not good enough for a child to be left to cope with high-needs siblings just because he is managing to survive against the odds as it's clearly impacting his MH.
It's things like being told by one child's therapist to do x to meet that child's needs (for example, don't place any demands on them) but they don't have an answer for how I'm supposed to square that with the fact another child's therapist has told me to do y to meet their needs and these two strategies directly conflict as neither child is living in a vacuum. I'm obviously dealing with it and don't want to derail the thread so don't need advice for my personal situation- I'm just trying (probably still badly!) to explain the kind of complex issues I'm facing further down the line (and, to reiterate, in my own specific circumstances!) in case it's helpful for the OP.
I'm also influenced by the fact my disabled eldest (19) will soon have to move out of our family home into a residential setting as the demands of living in a family (especially with her sibling's SN) places too much pressure on her. Obviously I love my DC to bits and I wouldn't want to be without any of them as they're all bloody amazing. But I'm conscious that I would have been able to continue to care for my eldest at home for the rest of her life had I had fewer children.
Obviously I had no idea things would turn out like this when they were younger - what started off as a two-parent family with quirky, energetic "non-disabled" children and a strong support network has morphed over time into a single parent family, zero support (lockdown, family illness, parental ageing, etc) and three disabled teens with multiple diagnoses in crisis. We will be fine in the long run and I'm working really hard to hold organisations to account and get the necessary state support (health/social care, etc). But had I realised the extent of my DCs' neurodivergence (and one's LD) when they were younger and had I appreciated all the issues this might create, there's no way I would have had three.
My point is really that adding one extra person creates multiple additional relationships in a family dynamic and that this, combined with the imbalanced nature of a number of those relationships as a result of a person's disabilities, might create issues and tensions that aren't immediately obvious. That's all.
