To want a 3rd child even though I already have 2 disabled children

[Fedupmum88]

I have two children with severe asd. I love them both dearly but it is hard work. Alongside the ASD they have a few health issues and sleep disorders. It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently. AIBU to want a third child?

[missingmum]

@Fedupmum88

Thank you everyone I appreciate your honesty. I love them both dearly but can’t help feeling a bit robbed, this is not how I imagined parenting to be 😢

I really feel for you as my brother and his partner are similar.
First child has severe learning difficulties and at almost 4 is extremely violent and challenging, they recently had a second and the baby has profound hearing loss.

Both my brother and partner adore their children but do feel very sad that they have 2 children who will not have "normal" lives, they also feel cheated, it's very,very hard and for this reason I doubt they will have another.

They are youngish parents (late 20's) but they're worry is when they die who will ensure their boys are looked after.

It's a difficult choice but me personally wouldn't risk having another

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Having a third child won't erase the experiences you've already had. It's harsh but you're never going to have the parenting experience that the media tells you is normal. There's no such thing as normal anyway. Even if your third child was neurotypical, you've still got to deal with all the battles you've got with the eldest two. All you will have done is add another person onto your responsibilities, and you'll have to look after the eldest two but with a baby as well. I'm really sorry life is so tough it sounds near enough unbearable. There isn't enough help out there for families like yours.

[mineofuselessinformation]

I have a child with a significant genetic disability. They are dc2. (For info, I had no idea that XH and I are both carriers of the gene.)
As it turned out, they are doing very well. But, if they had been my first child, I'm not sure I would have gone on to have another.
That's my thinking. Obviously you have to make your own choice about this. For me, I know that statically, the chances of another child with the same disability was 25%.
I have no idea if you can find out what the chance is for you. If you can, it might help you to make a decision.

[katkit2044]

Imo I wouldn't have another child, I have 2ds who have Autism and one has speaking difficulties. I had a dd (15) after and I would imagine it being quite hard for the child to have siblings who have health problems such as that: shes told me on many occasions she sometimes wishes she had a normal brother who could understand her better and would do things like her friends brothers do but she understands obviously they can't. Plus what if that 3rd child has the same problems, that is just more on your slate as well as quite a difficult life for the child. Just my opinion but I would not recommend you have another baby just for your sake and for that childs sake.

[Branleuse]

You gonna keep trying for the one you cant cope with?
Honestly, quit while youre still managing

[uniglowooljumper]

YABU. I think it would be incredibly selfish to have another one. I have a child with HFA (and as he got older he was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, too). That was it. DH had a vasectomy. Your next child could be very profoundly disabled.

DS's sister has struggled immensely given the effects his conditions have on our family.

[TheSoapyFrog]

I understand how you feel. One of my twins has classic autism and severe learning disabilities. He also is unlikely to live independently. As much as I would have loved another child, it wouldn't be practical. My son needs so much support, I wouldn't be able to meet his needs as well as the needs of a newborn. One of them would have suffered and I couldn't let it be the child i already have and adore. His twin is affected by his disabilities and it's showing in his behaviour.
And what if the 3rd child has similar disabilities, which is increasingly likely given my age, health and genetics (my boy has several genetic disorders)?
It's something I had to let go of.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

I've just read your other threads, op. Your life must be so hard but you must know this just isn't possible?

[Emeraldshamrock]

There is no guarantee the 3rd will be different. The feelings of being robbed is very close to my heart I said the same thing to myself after a day in the park with friends and their DC I spent all day doing laps calming meltdowns etc it felt shit.
Another baby is not the answer. If you're like me it is a break your seeking not a new born.

[PinkyBrain]

It’s a lovely thought but I think better left as just that. You have two children to love and life is already complicated enough, no need to pile more obligation and responsibility on your back.

[ThatsNotMyMeerkat]

OP, you would be being very unreasonable to have a third child in your current circumstances. You are barely coping with the two you have and your husband, by your own admission, is useless. How would you manage any of the children if you added another child into the mix? (As an aside, ‘loving the pregnancy and baby stage’ - the shortest stage, really, over a childs entire life - is a poor reason to have another anyway).

[Guineapigbridge]

YABU. Not fair on the to-be-born child.

[Leaannb]

That makes you even more unreasonable

[monkeymonkey2010]

It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently
Who's going to look after them once you're incapable or dead????

Have you made provisions and arrangements for their future care?

[FrodosRing]

It's obviously your decision, but personally I wouldn't.

[FrodosRing]

@monkeymonkey2010

It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently
Who's going to look after them once you're incapable or dead????

Have you made provisions and arrangements for their future care?

Wow, what a nice blunt post.
I'm sure OP worries about that every day and will make the necessary arrangements.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Fedupmum88

Thank you everyone I appreciate your honesty. I love them both dearly but can’t help feeling a bit robbed, this is not how I imagined parenting to be 😢

I get your need op, the chance to do it the way most people do, to have one grow up and get married maybe, grandkids possibly, just be what you thought you signed up for

[Purplepie78]

My eldest is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities. My younger two are NT. I was terrified when pregnant and for the first few years, watching their every move. I didn’t enjoy them being young at all. At 7, when number 2 was born things were ok. He was calm and his behaviour was brilliant. Now, in his twenties he’s impossible! Life is so bloody hard 24/7. I wouldn’t have a third if two were severely autistic. Everything is a huge struggle from getting through each day, fighting for funding, fighting for school places etc.

[BubblyBluePebbles]

No and definitely not after reading your other posts. It's not the answer. A 3rd child would not be fair on you or your two children.

[Washyourhands48]

You are totally U. JUST NO

[oakleaffy]

OP, even if you were guaranteed to have an ''easy'' third child, it absolutely wouldn't be fair on them. A schoolfriend had a much older ASD sibling, and he made her life utter hell.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Not U to want one, but I think you would regret it if you did.

Tell biology to fuck off.

[OhCaptain]

If your 3rd dc was NT you’d still be setting him or her up with a difficult life.

And basically assigning their siblings care to them when you get too old or die. How is that fair?!

[Fatted]

I have two children. One of my main reasons for never having a third (it is still a very long list!) is that my parents had twins with their third, so they ended up with four. Could you manage if something like that happened?

Looking over your old threads, you need a better support network and you need counseling to address the feelings you have about your disabled children. There is nothing wrong with how you feel and that the life you have was not what you wanted. But another baby will never fix the problem.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

No , just no
I think you would be having a child for selfish (not saying that to be mean ) and not considering practical reasons
This I say purely due the quality of life and impact on the children you currently have , with extra additional news