To want a 3rd child even though I already have 2 disabled children

[Fedupmum88]

I have two children with severe asd. I love them both dearly but it is hard work. Alongside the ASD they have a few health issues and sleep disorders. It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently. AIBU to want a third child?

[Dennysheart]

Honestly I wouldn’t. I have three kids and my 2nd has asd and adhd. He wasn’t diagnosed until I was pregnant with our 3rd who also has the same diagnosis. I’m absolutely exhausted. So we said no more.

[Spinakker]

Maybe when your children have grown up you could adopt or foster another child. But I wouldn't do it while your kids are still young. X

[JanMeyer]

there is absolutely no need for a sibling to be caring for an adult brother or sister, day to day. Any adult unable to live independently, will be in a residential home or have supported living, provided by the state.

What planet do you live on where this is all "provided by the state" as a matter of course? Because i see parents fighting for an ever shrinking number of supported living places, and parents on their last nerve begging for some respite, let alone a place in residential. It's fucking hilarious that you think any adult unable to live independently gets whatever provision they need as a matter of course. Or at least it would be were the topic not so serious and the reality not so depressing.
I recently read about a woman in her early 90s taking care of her adult autistic son with little day to day support. Yeah, there are lots of people who need supported living or residential, only a tiny number actually get it though.

[WeMarchOn]

I have 2 autistic daughters, i also have an NT son.
I myself are autistic so if we had a 4th and it was a girl it would be a high chance they would be too.

[JanMeyer]

and they will never have a chance of a normal life either If they have extra needs too

So by your logic no-one should ever have a child just in case the child might have a disability and never "have a chance at a normal life?" Do you realise how offensive that sounds? That you seem to think being disabled equates to not having a normal life, oh, because that's the worst thing in the world isn't it? 😡
Well you could have a perfectly "normal" child at birth, said child could then suffer any number of illnesses and end up brain damaged or otherwise disabled. Should no-one ever have a child in case that happens and their child might not have a "normal life?"
I don't think the OP shouldn't have another child because it might be autistic, i think she shouldn't because she's obviously struggling to cope now. Not having a "normal life" because your disabled isn't the worst thing that could ever happen.

[RandomMess]

@Fedupmum88 if you can realistically shoehorn the time for a lap cat or dog in your life then seriously it's a good option.

Fur babies do help fill a void when you draw the line and don't have anymore DC.

I can only imagine how difficult it is accepting parenthood is being so different to you than the dreams you had/have

[Noconceptofnormal]

If you do I would also consider donor egg and /or sperm (depending on whether its clear where the ASD has come from), then the chances of having an ASD child would only be the same as for the rest of the population (roughly 1 in 100 I believe).

However, as a sibling of one adult with ASD, I really wish that I had had a normal sibling growing up, it affected my childhood a lot. As an adult I wish I had somone to share the burden with. I know that in 10 years time I will have to care for my elderly parents and autistic sibling alone, and that's hard.

I'm guessing you don't want 4 children, but this would be the fairest on the NT child.

It's hard, it really is, I completely sympathise with you wanting a normal experience of parenting.

[Kaiserin]

I understand your desire very much.
Sadly, it's unsure whether the 3rd child would be the "normal" child you probably crave.
Even if they were, the dynamic in your family would be very difficult for you (and your partner?), your disabled children, and the "normal" child.

Life has been very unfair to you, OP. It has put you in a really hard position. I'm very sorry.
It's guaranteed an extra child would make your life harder. It's unknown how much harder. And only you may guess just how much more hardship you can take, before something breaks.
Unless you have a lot of support, another child would sound very, very risky.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

[bigbluebus]

I always thought I wanted 3 DCs. DC1 was born with a rare chromosome disorder meaning they had severe learning disability, physical disabilities and multiple health problems. DC2 was diagnosed with ASD at age of 6. Coping with the demands of their different needs made me decide there was nothing left for a 3rd child. When DC2 started school I got some me time back and used it to look after my own health so that I remained fit and well (physically and mentally) to cope with the years of stress that followed. DC1 died a few years ago but I never regret not having DC3.

[Fedupmum88]

@bigbluebus

I always thought I wanted 3 DCs. DC1 was born with a rare chromosome disorder meaning they had severe learning disability, physical disabilities and multiple health problems. DC2 was diagnosed with ASD at age of 6. Coping with the demands of their different needs made me decide there was nothing left for a 3rd child. When DC2 started school I got some me time back and used it to look after my own health so that I remained fit and well (physically and mentally) to cope with the years of stress that followed. DC1 died a few years ago but I never regret not having DC3.

So sorry for your loss

Thanks to everyone for replying and sharing your experiences.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

@bigbluebus
Sorry for your loss

[GinDrinker00]

No i wouldn’t. I know someone who did this and she now has 4 severely disabled children and has aged years before her time.
Focus on the two you have.

[TableFlowerss]

I agree with the others. If you had one with ASD and one without then I’d say different. I assume there must be a generic link to the fact both have it.

It would be incredibly hard and as you say, if your current two DC will need lifelong care, you’re always going to be in a caring mode for the rest of your life

[2bazookas]

We have two hands, two arms, and two kids can sit on one lap; or one each side. So it's (mostly) possible to hold hands and walk with, feed, comfort, entertain two children at the same time. In any family, the third child changes that from day one .

IME it's a considerably bigger adjustment from two children to three, than from one to two.

You're coping with two disabled kids, presumably at ages and sizes where they can still be picked up or carried. That's going to change and the physical demands on you may be far greater when they reach adult size.

Three might break you; and then what happens to all of them.

.

[UCAStweet]

Oh love your life is hard.

You know this isn’t the answer x

[IamHyouweegobshite]

@happy. I have 3 dc, 2 nt my youngest asd. It is very hard, on my youngest dc, but also how my older 2 have missed out on things. It's stressful as a family, both parents on antidepressants, sleep deprived. We worry constantly about how out youngest will cope in the world as they get older. Youngest has been suicidal, self harms, extremely aggressive to older dc. Life is not easy or rosy. I love my dc with all my heart, but I'm going to be absolutely honest, if dd3 had been my eldest, I probably wouldn't have had anymore, I know that's an awful thing to say, but it's like living on a knife edge, you never know what the day will be like, youngest is never genuinely happy or content, it's either angry and aggressive, baby talk and whimpering in fear or ignoring anyone around them.

[EarringsandLipstick]

I know OP 😞

I was conscious (& think I said it) that what was saying wasn't helpful.

It's unusual I know people in very similar situations - and not the norm. I definitely think money hugely helps, if you have it.

They can afford live-in help, dedicated one-on-one help etc. That's not usual, I know.

In turn, this means that the mums can go to work, which while it's still not easy, means they can have a identity beyond being a mum to a child with additional needs & time away.

I know this is all very rare & no help to you.

I feel very sorry for you because your desire for a 3rd child is very understandable x

[Serin]

Havelockvetinari
I am sorry if that is your lived experience but I actually find it quite insulting to assume that any child, born into a family with older siblings who have complex needs, will be expected to care for them. Or be some sort of saviour sibling.
Through my work I know several families who are resolute that their NT child will not grow up to be their siblings carer or even advocate.
Stop imagining that all families think and function the same way.

[Elmo311]

YABU

[gypsywater]

Why are posters saying ASD child? It's a child with ASD. So rude.

[ArriettyJones]

@gypsywater

Why are posters saying ASD child? It's a child with ASD. So rude.

True.

[Brownthomas13]

@Fedupmum88 I had a severely disabled child, couldn’t breathe, eat, sit, walk or talk independently. He needed 24 hour care. Life was very tough with home nursing and no down time.
We decided to have another baby as I too felt ‘robbed’. I wanted to be a mother & not a nurse. To hold a newborn, enjoy pregnancy, breastfeed and plan a future for a child.

It’s been hard but having DD was the best decision we ever made. She’s healed my broken heart.

I’m more than just a Carer now. I feel whole. I’m exhausted but fulfilled.

[JanMeyer]

Why are posters saying ASD child? It's a child with ASD. So rude.

Because many people on MN are perfectly happy to say "SN/SEN child," and some parents of autistic children say "my child is ASD." Despite it being reductive, offensive and grammatically incorrect. I've pointed it out many a time, a child can be autistic, they can have ASD, they cannot BE ASD. But i usually get told I'm being pedantic and it doesn't really matter, when of course it does matter. A poster once said it was just easier to type "is ASD" rather than saying autistic. I don't really buy that though, given that it would only be an extra letter to say "has ASD.
I'm curious when ASD started to be used that way, why some people think it's fine to literally say "an Autism Spectrum Disorder" child. Because that's what they're saying. Would you say a "cerebral palsy child" or a "learning difficulties child?" No? Then you shouldn't say ASD child either.

[Tempjob]

My second child has ASD stemming from a rare genetic condition. Have you had genetic testing on your children? If not, see if you can get onto the 100 Thousand Genome Project. We received my child's diagnosis from there. Once you receive a diagnosis you will know what the chances of reoccurence are in another pregnancy.

We have decided not to have a third. My first born's life is very difficult and she is having counselling due to difficulties with her brother. I don't think he could take a crying baby or toddler...would be much too loud in the house for him.