To want a 3rd child even though I already have 2 disabled children

[Fedupmum88]

I have two children with severe asd. I love them both dearly but it is hard work. Alongside the ASD they have a few health issues and sleep disorders. It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently. AIBU to want a third child?

[ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords]

@monkeymonkey2010

It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently
Who's going to look after them once you're incapable or dead????

Have you made provisions and arrangements for their future care?

Nobody is going to ask you to do it, so no need to be so aggressive - which is the effect of the four question marks.

[squeekums]

Not unreasonable for wanting what the media ells you is normal
For wanting that perfect mum/baby/toddler/kid dynamic not ruled by hospitals and specialists

But it would be selfish and irresponsible to have a 3rd
If they NT you are essentially birthing your first 2 DC a carer and they will never have a chance of a normal life either
If they have extra needs too, thats 3 you will need to sort care for as they age and you age and cope with day to day.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

You could use donor gametes but think carefully about the life you could give a NT child. If they’ll just end up as a carer for their elder siblings then that’s unfair.

[fatgirlslimmer]

YABU with a user name like fed up mum, and previous threads on leaving your husband because he is useless and being so exhausted you felt like giving your children away.

Not saying you would ever do this of course but hardly the environment to bring a new baby into.

[stellabelle]

My DH has three sons - similar situation as you. The older two are disabled and the younger one isn't. The tough thing is that now, they are all in their 30's and the two older sons live with their mother ...younger son feels a huge amount of pressure that he'll step up and look after his two brothers if their mother dies / gets too frail to look after them. I really feel sorry for him - he wants to live his own life, but is sort of shackled by these expectations that he'll be the carer for "the boys".

No matter how much you love the pregnancy and baby stage, you have to think that they'll be adults / get older / get old and then who steps up to care for them .

[theBelgranoSisters]

Sorry OP i cant imagine how difficult your life is-it sounds like hell.
I wouldnt dream of bringing another sibling into the mix-not fair on anyone-especially you and imagine worst case scenario, another child with diasbilities..you'd feel like you were drowning.

[rottiemum88]

@Fedupmum88

Thank you everyone I appreciate your honesty. I love them both dearly but can’t help feeling a bit robbed, this is not how I imagined parenting to be 😢

This very much makes it sound like you want a third child to experience parenthood as you imagined it, rather than as you've experienced it so far, which yes is inherently selfish I'm afraid. Please do think about the life that a NT child would have with two older siblings that need their constant care and attention. My mum had a similar family set up her whole life, until at 28 she finally cracked and moved away/cut all ties with her family. She's incredibly scarred by the whole experience and had a terrible relationship with her parents as a result of what they "chose" for her life to be like.

[Mommabear20]

There was a family on the street I grew up on who had a disabled daughter and a younger non-disabled daughter and she very much felt responsible for her older sister. Whether intentional or not the younger will end up taking on the responsibility of a 3rd parent at some point, and I don't think that's fair :(
I'm sorry

[HavelockVetinari]

There’s a mum somewhere here on MN who used donor gametes for her third precisely because her first two DC had severe autism. Her story will be somewhere on the donor conception board.

[Shock]

I'm not often shocked by things I read on here, but if this is true I am gobsmacked. How appallingly selfish, that poor child

[MaverickSnoopy]

I have 3, all with some kind of additional need and there was no indication of any until after our 3rd was born.

It's such hard work. I phoned my mum yesterday and broke down. The pandemic is crushing me. Before this is was exhausting and relentless. Normal life is hard. Having three children is a whirlwind and I really think it depends on the type of person you are, but there is always someone who wants something. Most days seem to be spent rushing from disaster to disaster. Of course I wouldn't change my children for the world and I wouldn't undo my third either and in time it will get better, two are still quite small. You sound like you have enough to manage already though and honestly, a third is so much more work, I personally would say double the amount of two, but I'm sure others wouldn't.

[Fedupmum88]

Thank you everyone. It’s nice to get your opinions I don’t really have anyone irl that I can confide in.

[Fedupmum88]

@MaverickSnoopy

I have 3, all with some kind of additional need and there was no indication of any until after our 3rd was born.

It's such hard work. I phoned my mum yesterday and broke down. The pandemic is crushing me. Before this is was exhausting and relentless. Normal life is hard. Having three children is a whirlwind and I really think it depends on the type of person you are, but there is always someone who wants something. Most days seem to be spent rushing from disaster to disaster. Of course I wouldn't change my children for the world and I wouldn't undo my third either and in time it will get better, two are still quite small. You sound like you have enough to manage already though and honestly, a third is so much more work, I personally would say double the amount of two, but I'm sure others wouldn't.

So sorry you’re having a tough time xx

[Newdaynewname1]

To be brutally honest, no.
there are 2 options
a) child 3 is also disabled and your life will get even harder
b) child 3 is healthy, but basically born to be a carer for older siblings. they will - at least temporarily- resent you for this. Its not going to be pretty.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@Fedupmum88

I've no advice, not in the situation myself, but just want to say how much I feel for you.

I can imagine that longing, YANBU at all to feel that way.

Other posters have made good points; it doesn't in any way take away from the validity of your feelings.

💐 for you & the other posters in similar situations, especially @MaverickSnoopy - that sounds so, so tough. ❤️

[RettyPriddle]

Totally understand your desire for a NT child, OP. It’s a completely different experience (although both disabled children and NT children can be equally loveable and enjoyable, honestly, so If any readers are experiencing this, please remember it can still be rewarding and fun). I also would like to offer reassurance about the notion that the NT sibling is left caring for the disabled sibling, later in life. I have experience of different, complex disabilities within my close family and there is absolutely no need for a sibling to be caring for an adult brother or sister, day to day. Any adult unable to live independently, will be in a residential home or have supported living, provided by the state. Yes, the NT sibling will have to act as legal Deputy, when her parents pass, but this is all. I don’t want families with existing disabled children to worry that their lives will be spent caring. In your circumstances, though OP, I wouldn’t risk a third child, but I’d acknowledge the sense of loss of your current situation. Maybe read ‘You will dream new dreams’ which is a bit American, but is a great resource for moving through the rollercoaster of emotions, experienced when you have a disabled or seriously ill child. Good luck. 💐

[EarringsandLipstick]

Just one further point: I know at least 3 people who had a child with complex needs & then went on to have more children.

In 2 of the cases they were eldest children, in the 3rd, the second child in the family.

In each case, they had 4 children!

There was definitely a sense of wanting a NT child, but all would have intended to have at least 3 children. One of their reasons for having a larger family was to have more siblings so that it didn't feel like there was too much of a future burden on the siblings.

In each situation, there's a very strong relationship, with good support for each other in the marriage; only 1 child with additional needs (these are prof

[EarringsandLipstick]

...sorry I posted too soon..

...these are profound in 2 of the 3 cases and finally: money. One of the reasons it's been possible for each to cope is that they had the financial means to eg pay for extra, direct help for the child with needs when a new baby came, dedicated ongoing childcare for that one child so the mothers especially have time to be with their other children. And each mother works.

I'm always amazed by each of them honestly.

I'd have to say, having money to provide additional help seems to be a huge factor. And very strong marriages.

None of that is any help to you tho, OP 😞

[Yeahnahmum]

You would already be stretched out thin. So I'd say it's not a good idea for you. Plus imagine your 3rd would have sn too. Or imagine you end up with triplets. Even if you ended up not having a sn kid, then this kid will grow up in the shade of having two sn siblings....

[MinorArcana]

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want another child.

I do agree with pp though, that it sounds like it would not be a good idea to act on that wanting. I would not have a 3rd child in these circumstances.

[HavelockVetinari]

there is absolutely no need for a sibling to be caring for an adult brother or sister, day to day. Any adult unable to live independently, will be in a residential home or have supported living, provided by the state. Yes, the NT sibling will have to act as legal Deputy, when her parents pass, but this is all.

All? You are massively underestimating how exhausting and emotionally draining it is. The NT sibling will feel obliged to visit frequently, take their sibling out, be involved in decisions involving their sibling's care, having to drop everything to take them to hospital when unwell... it's a huge burden, even without the day to day grind.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I have a friend who has 4 DC.
They all have extra needs and are somewhere on the spectrum. None of them have any physical disabilities but my friend is adamant that she's not having any more. If she'd KNOWN, she would have stopped at 2.
Of course she loves them all and wouldn't be without the but still - would have stopped at 2 if she'd known what was going to happen.

I understand your sadness that this wasn't how you expected things to be - but you have to play the hand you're dealt, and you have to consider the chances of a 3rd child ALSO having high needs. You also have to consider how they're going to find it if they are not disabled themselves in any way - when they're all adults, the youngest child is going to end up being the older 2's carer, when you and their father are no longer able to do it.
That's a hell of a thing to put on a child.

So I'm going to go with YANBU to want another child, but YWBU to actually have another one.

[Fedupmum88]

@EarringsandLipstick

...sorry I posted too soon..

...these are profound in 2 of the 3 cases and finally: money. One of the reasons it's been possible for each to cope is that they had the financial means to eg pay for extra, direct help for the child with needs when a new baby came, dedicated ongoing childcare for that one child so the mothers especially have time to be with their other children. And each mother works.

I'm always amazed by each of them honestly.

I'd have to say, having money to provide additional help seems to be a huge factor. And very strong marriages.

None of that is any help to you tho, OP 😞

Unfortunately I don’t have lots of money but I do wonder what I’ll do with my time when they’re both in full time school.It’s so hard to find a job that will work around all the appointments. It would need to be term time only and they go to schools with different term dates.

Maybe I could get a dog? 😂😩

[Figgygal]

It’s hard now it’s only going to get harder as you age
You know it’s not a good idea or fair

[JanMeyer]

OP, even if you were guaranteed to have an ''easy'' third child, it absolutely wouldn't be fair on them. A schoolfriend had a much older ASD sibling, and he made her life utter hell.

So based on your one example what, no-one with an autistic child should ever have another child? And what if the autism isn't diagnosed until the second child is actually born? Should they just give the autistic one back just in case they don't get on with the NT one? I don't think the OP should have another child but your comment is bang out of order. For what it's worth neither of my autistic brothers "made my life hell" growing up. Oh, and there's no such thing as an "ASD sibling." ASD is not an adjective in the same way as autistic is. You can be autistic, you can have an autistic sibling. You cannot be ASD or have an ASD sibling.

[starsparkle08]

I also have a son with autism . He has severe adhd and learning difficulties on top aLong with extreme behaviour .

You already have 2 disabled children , you have a very high risk of a 3rd . Even if the child were not disabled there upbringing would be severely impacted by your other children’s needs.

I can understand the dream of a ‘normal’ ‘ neurotypical’ ‘average ‘ child however I do think in this case you are being unreasonable in the nicest possible way