To want a 3rd child even though I already have 2 disabled children

[Fedupmum88]

I have two children with severe asd. I love them both dearly but it is hard work. Alongside the ASD they have a few health issues and sleep disorders. It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently. AIBU to want a third child?

No I dont think you should.

Is asd genetic?
It seems so random to me but would be great for more understanding to be normal I think.
I always wanted 3 kids. I have 3 healthy boys so all I get is did I just want a girl. Keep going to get what I wanted and am I disappointed and going to have another to try for a girl..... no.... we love our babies, if you can have 3 and that makes you happy then why not. Don't wait for anyone's opinion because I'm happy with boys yet no one thinks I can be so just enjoy what you can .

Is asd genetic?

I have a DS diagnosed with ASD, when he was diagnosed the paediatrician told us that they believe ASD is genetic. As I understand it, there’s a number of different genes associated with ASD, and the doctors are still trying to figure out how the genetics of it works. It all sounded very complicated when the paediatrician was talking about it.

We were offered a genetic test for our DS after his diagnosis, to see if he had any of the genes they’ve identified as being most commonly associated with ASD so far.

@Osirus

Having a disabled would be terrible for me - it would break me. Some people can cope - I know I wouldn’t. I’ve stopped at one (NT) child for fear of having a child with disabilities. Autism terrifies me (we have a niece with autism and it’s not pleasant); I just know I wouldn’t cope with it

I think your post is worded terribly!!!

I would also go so far as saying your reasons for stopping at one are extreme and not the norm.

Let’s just hope your NT DC doesn’t end up with mental health issues in later life. I’ve seen a successful woman go from being on top of everything to becoming alcohol dependent, couldn’t care for her own child, also needs a carer to help her look after herself.... all stemming from her partner having an affair!!

Just to add, I also don’t think OP should have another child but I hope I put my post across in a more polite manner

If both yours are asd, what's the chance the thrid will be too?

The chances of the third having ASD are very high. And you can't rely on a donated embryo. A friend donated eggs when she was young, before she had biological kids of her own. She has 3 biological children, all with moderate to severe autism and only 1 able to live semi-independently.

There is not guarantee that an NT sibling will help the two non-NT siblings in later life. It is grossly unfair for people to make the assumption that a sibling will automatically take over caring responsibilities. A third DC may well resent any such expectation.

The third DC may well just want to focus on themselves and their own future.

I understand op - same situation.

We have gone for the dog option. Shes wonderful for both our additional needs children (one special school, one starting mainstream pre school with a 1-1).

Haven’t ruled out a 3rd completely but both children would need to be at school before we think seriously - although we are 70% no.

We have a very small network. No other children in thefamily. Which is a huge driving force behind a 3rd.

I’ve been in & out of counselling for 3 years. I suffer from poor mental health - it’s not under control Medications are trial & error.

It is hard. You know that. Only you & your husband can make the decision.

Having a disabled would be terrible for me - it would break me. Some people can cope - I know I wouldn’t. I’ve stopped at one (NT) child for fear of having a child with disabilities. Autism terrifies me (we have a niece with autism and it’s not pleasant); I just know I wouldn’t cope with it.

Wow, you sound delightful, "a disabled" 😡😡😡 Autism terrifies you, really? Do you not think autistic people might be a tiny but offended by that? Or the parents of autistic children that are on this thread?
Why is autism "not pleasant" as you put it? Because I've seen people say it's hard, challenging, exhausting - which can all be true, but "not pleasant?" What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Also with your fear of having "a disabled" you'd better hope nothing happens to your seemingly NT child (i say seemingly because Aspergers can go unnoticed and undiagnosed until adulthood sometimes) like getting run over, a brain tumor or a neurologial condition that leads to brain damage and physical disability. Because you "wouldn't be able to cope," right? So what, would you abandon your child if they became disabled? Or like any other parent would you cope because you have to? There's a special place in hell for people who say to parents of disabled children "well i wouldn't be able to cope."
You say that like it's optional, it's not, you cope because there's no alternative. At least you do if your love for your child outweighs your fear of "having a disabled." 😡

Oh, and FYI, if you've met one person with autism then you've done just that. No two people with autism are alike and there's a myriad of presentations. So don't go assuming you know all about autism based on one example.

Also shocked at "a disabled" - pls tell me that this was a typo with the word "child" missed out?!

OP, I do understand - I think I had a bit of this shortly after DS2 was diagnosed. I wanted another NT child to make our family life feel a bit more 'balanced' (my first child is NT but has autistic traits). I knew this was an unworthy way of thinking, I knew it would be unfair on a third child because the second was clearly going to be sucking up a lot of our time, attention and money, and that the first child was going to find that family activities and holidays, etc would be limited because of his brother's condition. It didn't help that DS1 really wanted me to have another baby too (because he desperately wanted a sibling he could play with this was when he was about 6 or so, it was an entirely natural reaction for a child).

I did get over that impulse though. We are complete as a family of 4 and with one severely autistic child in the mix, it's tough at times. I can't imagine having a third child, NT or not - they simply wouldn't get the attention that a third child born into a NT family would.

Autism does seem to have a strong genetic component and anecdotally, subsequent children born in a family with older autistic siblings are far more likely to have autism than the rest of the population. On a purely pragmatic basis, that also put me off having more children. I love both my boys passionately but it is a hard life!

Having a disabled would be terrible for me - it would break me. Some people can cope - I know I wouldn’t.

We don't actually have a choice but to cope. Despite what you may think, having a disabled child isn't a choice. You don't always find out before the child is born - and there is no returns policy on babies.

Having a disabled would be terrible for me - it would break me. Some people can cope - I know I wouldn’t.

So what options are open to you? You may not know when you're pregnant, you may not know at birth, you may not know until the child is 5:6. What would you do then?

All I'm saying is you have to do what is right for you. You have to sacrifice so much for a disabled child. If having another child is what you want, then do it, dont sacrifice your happiness further.
What other posters, who are removed from the situation and are therefore more objective are saying is that it isnt what is best for a third child. Even if NT, the limits on their childhood will be enormous. Yes it might make you happy as the parent, but it is selfish to do that to a child.

And its not a given that typical children will look after disabled siblings. Who do you think looks after the child if they don't have siblings. I will never ask my children to be a carer for their brother. It's not their job.
Who else do you think will have that role then?

OP. I completely understand how you must be feeling. I have one disabled child (severe developmental delay, will always need care) and NT children. The guilt I feel towards my NT children that they don't get the life they would have had if their sibling hadn't been disabled really saddens me. I'm so torn, All. The. Time. It's constant, trying to be something for all of them with their different needs. Exhausting.

My NT DC are older than my disabled DC so that makes some difference and I do have hope that it will make them far more tolerant, understanding and empathetic as adults. We do obviously have some lovely happy family times but many sacrifices have had to made because of our disabled DCs needs which does massively impact on the other two.

I totally understand you desire for that 'normal' whatever that is but if my experience is anything to go by, even if you had a third and they were NT, life would still be incredibly hard, if not harder unless you have an incredible support and respite system around you.

@doityourselfnow

Having a disabled would be terrible for me - it would break me. Some people can cope - I know I wouldn’t.

So what options are open to you? You may not know when you're pregnant, you may not know at birth, you may not know until the child is 5:6. What would you do then?

Exactly. My children are all SEN. Very high achieving and very bright. I had no idea until DD1 was 4. (medical SEN)

My friend has two DD. DD1 when born seemed fine -normal in terms of 6 months milestones etc. By the age of 2 and the birth of DD2 she had regressed massively. She is now at 15, non verbal, highly autistic but parents provide 24/7 care and goodness knows what will happen in the future. She is calm for the most part, and loving but her mum worries about how physically she will cope in 20 years when she is well in her 60s with a 35 Year old who runs off at every opportunity and has to be watched 24/7. We love her very much and so do her parents but she is very hard work for them, they (the family) get no sleep.

Her DD2 is "normal" -god I hate that expression- Mum initially was bringing up DD2 to look after DD1 in case something happened to the parents. Over the years Mum has come to see DD2 must forge her own path. DD2 is bitten, scratched etc by DD1 on a daily basis -as that is DD1 way of communicating. Life is full of restrictions. No holidays are possible. Days out very limited etc. Her parents live in the same village and DD2 spend 2/3 nights there each week as her respite from sibling.

She did want a third....... there is some evidence that Autism is on both sides of the family -most of their cousins are autistic etc. She really wanted a third to have another "normal" one so they could support each other to look after DD1 when parents are gone. Husband refused. Friend now sees it as a good thing. There is no law in the world that gives you a "normal" child and even those are "normal" have such individual needs.

Having a disabled would be terrible for me - it would break me. Some people can cope - I know I wouldn’t.

In my culture/family it's almost mandatory that a parent does cope with disabled children without seeking help from the social care system - you're just expected to just get on with it and people say stupid things like "you wouldn't have been given a disabled child if you couldn't handle it" as a reason I should just shut up and get on with it alone. Admittedly, there is a hugely misogynistic religious element to much of said culture which also produces gems such as "you've made your bed by not keeping your legs closed, now you have to lie in it so it's a bit late asking for help now isn't it?" (I've come to realise I know some horrible people!).

Listening to this kind of nonsense about penance and/or how I have the patience of a saint and how strong and selfless I am for giving up my whole life to care for the DC when I had no bloody choice and being fed the lie that parents of disabled children were specifically chosen to be their carers is what stopped me from seeking any social care support (obviously they had healthcare) including DLA for most of my DC's childhoods.

Most parents of disabled children "cope" because they have to, not because they think "ooh, I think I want more of a challenge than regular kid - I think I'll have a severely disabled one".

you're just expected to just get on with it and people say stupid things like "you wouldn't have been given a disabled child if you couldn't handle it" as a reason I should just shut up and get on with it alone

The best one: Special parents get special kids!
My cousin has a very disabled child. She is not special. She is human. She loves her child fiercely and does not resent or regret having had that child, but wishes things could have been otherwise. She gets on with it as she has no choice unless she wants to put the child into care- which she eventually will have to do, if the child lives long enough. But she's not a superhuman who was "gifted" a special needs child, and she fucking hates that saying.

@JanMeyer

Having a disabled would be terrible for me - it would break me. Some people can cope - I know I wouldn’t. I’ve stopped at one (NT) child for fear of having a child with disabilities. Autism terrifies me (we have a niece with autism and it’s not pleasant); I just know I wouldn’t cope with it.

Wow, you sound delightful, "a disabled" 😡😡😡 Autism terrifies you, really? Do you not think autistic people might be a tiny but offended by that? Or the parents of autistic children that are on this thread?
Why is autism "not pleasant" as you put it? Because I've seen people say it's hard, challenging, exhausting - which can all be true, but "not pleasant?" What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Also with your fear of having "a disabled" you'd better hope nothing happens to your seemingly NT child (i say seemingly because Aspergers can go unnoticed and undiagnosed until adulthood sometimes) like getting run over, a brain tumor or a neurologial condition that leads to brain damage and physical disability. Because you "wouldn't be able to cope," right? So what, would you abandon your child if they became disabled? Or like any other parent would you cope because you have to? There's a special place in hell for people who say to parents of disabled children "well i wouldn't be able to cope."
You say that like it's optional, it's not, you cope because there's no alternative. At least you do if your love for your child outweighs your fear of "having a disabled." 😡

Oh, and FYI, if you've met one person with autism then you've done just that. No two people with autism are alike and there's a myriad of presentations. So don't go assuming you know all about autism based on one example.

Spot on! 👏

This is what I wanted to write to the @Osirus
But I was in too much of a hurry this morning.

I’m shocked that @Osirus 1.23 post is still up.

1.21 am post, I mean.

I have "a disabled" to quote Osiris. He even has that "not pleasant" autism.

He takes more parenting than my others put together. However we derive just as much joy from parenting him and from his successes as we do our other children. His life is fully valid and he is by no means at all just a bundle of problems. I can only hope, @Osirus, that you are writing from a position of ignorance and fear. Having an autistic child is very very far from the worst thing that can happen as a parent and your implication that it would be better that autistic people are not born is way beyond offensive.

It must be incredibly hard for you having two ASD children though obviously you love them dearly.
I used to work with someone who had three ASD children where it was clear everything in her life - including her work as a team leader - revolved around her children because it had to ... but others suffered because of it.
My boss introduced her as the office’s “resident saint” as she had three children with special needs. I just saw how hard it made life for everyone around her and wondered why she had a third child (two I could understand more). She was actually quite selfish when it came to anything or anyone other than her children.
And if your third child didn’t have special needs it would be very hard for them, as others have said.

I don’t have any children and completely understand the longing for a certain “perfect” experience of having a child (or indeed any experience of having a child) but I think you have to put your existing children, those around you and actually any potential third child as yet unborn first, and not your own longing.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. I bet you’re a great mum.

It’s CHILDREN WITH ASC/D. Or AUTISTIC CHILDREN.

NOT “ASD children”. NOT “Disableds”.

If you want a third child and feel you have the time and resources to support a third child then go for it. My brother is severely disabled (that terrible autism thing amongst others shockhorror) and yes, growing up it was hard at times but I am a better person for growing up with a disabled brother. It is simply not true that if your third child isn't disabled that they would be 'lumbered' with caring responsibilities when they are older. As a now adult, I am choosing to take on the caring responsibility when our parents are no longer here or able to provide his 24/7 care. Its REALLY complex and lots of legal things. I haven't been 'lumbered' with anything but I have decided I WANT to take on his care when the time comes.

My brother is a happy member of society and quite honestly I would rather be associated with a 100 like him that just 1 of some of the posters on here who have a vile attitude to disabled children and adults.

I just saw how hard it made life for everyone around her and wondered why she had a third child (two I could understand more)

While I do appreciate the picture you paint of a working parent with disabled children under immense pressure and struggling with work obligations (and how this impacts colleagues), I do think the above comment is a bit simplistic.

Not everyone gets to make an informed choice about having a third child in the knowledge that they already have two disabled children.

Not all children are diagnosed in infancy or even in childhood. Sometimes their challenging behaviour is attributed to all sorts of other factors (childhood trauma, other disabilities, poor parenting, etc) for years before a full diagnosis is reached. Some women are in controlling marriages and don't have the ability to control their body or pregnancies.

Many people plan to raise children in a seemingly solid relationship but then that relationship ends (often as a result of the additional stress in this kind of situation) and then the mother has to go out to work when she had expected to be a carer in a two parent family when her DC were born. Other people are widowed.

Some people plan to rely on family support or standard childcare arrangements and it only becomes clear once their disabled DC are starting nursery/school (when the other DC might already be born) that this isn't feasible and that they will need specialist care. Also, family who are more than willing to help out with an autistic baby/toddler often find it increasingly challenging to provide the same level of practical childcare support as the child grows bigger and stronger, and as they diverge further and further from their peers in terms of independence. It's very difficult to remember to picture life caring for an aggressive adult-sized autistic teenager when you're looking at a cute baby that just has a few quirks and milestone delays.

There are all sorts of reasons why this mother might have had the third child without having deliberately signed up for being a working mother with three disabled children.