AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

I think you should at least talk to him first. Might give him a sense of direction and the impetus he needs. It's a strange year this year with Covid and a lot of uncertainty at the best of times.

Do you think it's a bit early though to be having this convo though @TiddyTid? I kind of feel like it's officially none of my business at this point as we haven't formally discussed a future together, although he has made it clear he sees one.

What would you say?

Trying not to be rude here.

In the last couple of decades he worked and made significant savings and an investment (ok not a particularly good one, but it's not entirely gone).

In the same time you have saved up "a small flat deposit". Despite "a very good day rate".

I think you'd be better off looking at your own financial prospects if you can't afford a baby.

Haha @merryhouse that is a good point. I wasn't always earning a high day rate - this started a few years ago when I went freelance and became serious about saving. By 'small flat deposit' it's probably quite large compared to some as I live in London.

I don't think it's unusual though to want to be with someone that can contribute to a mortgage and raising a baby? I wouldn't mind him being a house husband for some of the time but I couldnt' afford everything myself.

My point is also about the fact that I feel he won't want to have a child until he's sorted, and he feels a far way off from that and quite stressed about it. I don't want to make him feel more crap by bringing it up, or putting our very young relationship under pressure from talking about stuff that's so far into the future.

I just also don't want to invest lots of time and energy into someone that doesn't have any sense of direction, which I don't feel he has from his chat even about his earlier career.

But the laid back part of his personality is what attracts you.

Money is not everything.

I think you should see where this goes 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think there are more important things than money BUT it makes life a lot more difficult if you don't have any.
However it does sound like he is quite good with money if he's managed to take such a long career break so maybe judging him solely on his current job situation is a bit short sighted.

I’d be inclined to speak to him about it. Yes it’s early, but it’s also important to you. I’m in a similar situation myself at the minute so happy to chat if you want to

I'm thinking of those wildlife programs where the male birds line the nest and then dance around in front of it while the female inspects the situation. It's reasonable to inspect the situation, you just need to decide for yourself what your top priorities are, assess for whether he shares them, talk with him, etc.

I understand your concerns but you want any future children to have the best father possible, not the richest. The type of man who would help an elderly man sort out his allotment! That's a nice person. I agree with everyone else, talk to him. I think it would be a shame if you broke up, based on what you've told us.

As a wise friend once said - if you can put his penis in your mouth, you can talk to him about feelings!!
You can't plan a break up without even discussing things with him - surely it's worth a punt if everything bar the financial side is wonderful? You sound like you make a good team together. Yes, children are expensive, yes things can be less stressful with money behind you. But life is a hell of a lot easier and nicer with a partner you love and a relationship that makes you happy.

OP he sounds lovely and if that is the only box he doesn't tick, l think you would be mad to let him go. If you were to have a baby maybe he could be the main child carer if you went back to work? When there's a will, there's a way!

It sounds as though he could gain from speaking to a careers adviser and someone who can help him with his CV, as he's clearly not lazy but perhaps a little lacking in direction and confidence. I also think that you could bring up the subject without it being too heavy or pressurising if you didn't relate it to finances, especially in a future family context. Keep it light and chatty, as though you're just interested in learning more about what makes him tick.

At 36 and 38, it’s fine to go straight in with, “do you children in future?”
My now husband, on our second phone call (internet dating) asked me - I said no - and he laughed and said, “great because you’d be out of luck with me as I’ve had the snip.”

So first of all I’d establish what kind of future he’s looking for. That might give you your answer anyway, if he doesn’t want or is lukewarm about kids.

Given the positives, I’d give it 6 months - but I’d be actively watching what he was doing. He saved enough money to take 2 years off... are you sure that’s true though? And redundancy? Which would explain a lump of savings, and very possible in O&G in last few years. Not that that has to count against him, I just mean any lies would make me

Website designers can be older. Just because you’re a teen doesn’t mean you can do better, understand your marketing and business, understand and relate to clients.

For me it would depend whether the next 6 months was more extended holiday on the allotment, or actually building his business / sorting out the Australian flat. What’s he actually DOING with the permaculture course?

YANBU not to want to continue to date him given that you’re looking to have DC and want financial security.

Firstly - freeze your eggs
Secondly- hang onto him, he sounds lovely
Thirdly - buy a property yourself for your own security
If you want to have a baby - I would transition back to employment over contracting. Might take a year or two to get the maternity benefits

He sounds like he makes you happy and you want to end it for things that are unknowable in the future?

Create your own financial security.....,

It sounds like he has had a good work ethic for the majority of his working career and is just in the period of transition changing direction. I wouldn't be dumping him right now if he ticks other boxes. There are other factors which aren't helping at the moment, such as coronavirus, so I'd give him a chance.

My ex of a decade had a secure job, but it was mostly manual work, fairly low paid with no progression whatsoever. He would be happy to stay in that job for the rest of his life and just bumble on with no further challenge/opportunity at all. Whilst that is fine for some people, over time it just became apparent he was actually lazy and apathetic. He would moan about his job, but do nothing to change things. In the beginning I overlooked that but, eventually it just highlighted how dull he was as a person.

So, I can understand the importance of weighing up a person by their attitude to their career/job...not so much the job itself, but their personal development etc. I knew I wouldn't want to be with someone in the future who had a stagnant attitude and no interest in helping themselves.

@SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge

Create your own financial security.....,

Exactly this!

Actually, I’m a bit confused about the timelines here... you said he left his job 4 years ago, and was going to take 2 years off. Then the weather was nice...
Given that British weather is totally unpredictable, I think that’s a bit of a cover - who takes a summer off for not guaranteed good weather, when you’re just had a 2 year holiday?

So has he actually been unemployed for FOUR years? I’m not certain if the 2 years in a job he didn’t like was before or after leaving O&G.

Two years is a career break, time to relax then find your way. Four years is a long time.

Did his last girlfriend break up with him because he was depressed at being unemployed, or because she had all your thoughts, and gave him 6 months, and nothing changed?

Isn’t it quite common for younger men to spend a few years in oil and gas and then leave with a bit of burnout because it’s a pretty brutal lifestyle, although well paid. It’s not usually seen as family friendly although some people do like the FIFO working.

It sounds like he needs a nudge to push his career in a slightly different direction? Could you suggest he gets some decent career advice to help him find something he will enjoy using the skills he has? That’s a softer way of putting it than ‘get a job’.

At least give him the heads up that you’re looking for someone financially stable to settle with, don’t just leave him without discussing it as that’s not really fair on him.

He doesn't sound the type of man you are looking for. Maybe he's looking for a partner with a good job and a more steady income and generous maternity terms. It works both ways.

freezing eggs rarely works, it is not something to rely on

you are not feeling happy, so it doesn't really matter if other people think your reasons are good or bad.

I think if you otherwise connect, give it all time and see what happens. I mean, realistically, when dh met me, I was a student (doing a postgraduate degree). I didn't get my first 'real' well-paying job until I was 36 and finished my degree. Dh had just finished uni and was making about 18K a year. 10 years later, we collectively earn very well (between 100-200K combined) and are finally buying a house, but with a very large deposit (which could make us cash buyers if we wanted a smaller cheaper house). A lot can change in a few years and I wouldn't discount a career change, having been able to buy a house quite young, and going travelling as negatives if you are assessing someone's financial security. It sounds like he's done just fine for someone in their 30s, and is having a bit of a dry spell (as many are right now). I wouldn't necessarily chuck him back in the sea if he is otherwise a great match for you.