Page 4 | AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

79andnotout · 05/08/2020 14:32

He sounds like me! I've worked like a dog for years, bought my own nice house, climbed the ladder, and now at 40 I'm burnt out and fed up with my industry, and I've also been doing a permaculture course and tending my allotment. Now all I want to do is have a kid and walk my dogs and potter. If I ever manage to get pregnant, that's what I'll do for a couple of years at least, then reconsider. Maybe he would make a good house husband for a while? My OH is willing to downgrade his lifestyle to cut me some slack while we figure things out, maybe that could work for you too?

monkeymonkey2010 · 05/08/2020 14:33

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave
So you're looking for a man to take responsibility and pay for your lifestyle choices?

justasking111 · 05/08/2020 14:35

@79andnotout

He sounds like me! I've worked like a dog for years, bought my own nice house, climbed the ladder, and now at 40 I'm burnt out and fed up with my industry, and I've also been doing a permaculture course and tending my allotment. Now all I want to do is have a kid and walk my dogs and potter. If I ever manage to get pregnant, that's what I'll do for a couple of years at least, then reconsider. Maybe he would make a good house husband for a while? My OH is willing to downgrade his lifestyle to cut me some slack while we figure things out, maybe that could work for you too?

A house husband is a sensible choice.

Ellisandra · 05/08/2020 14:37

@monkeymonkey2010 no, she’s looking for a man who will take joint financial responsibility for their lifestyle choices.

bathsh3ba · 05/08/2020 14:38

Personally, in your situation, I would end it. I'm 38, divorced, with kids and I've already decided I'm not getting into a relationship with anyone who doesn't meet certain criteria, one of which is knowing what they want career-wise and having a job or being on a path to a job with decent prospects. (The others relate to intelligence and religion.)

I appreciate some may think I'm picky but I'd honestly rather be single than with someone whose job situation would make me feel anxious. I don't want to be carrying my partner financially from day one. It's one thing to find yourself in an unexpected shaky career situation due to Covid or another external factor and another to start a relationship knowing someone has chosen a shaky career situation. But I appreciate I already have kids and am not bothered about having more - or indeed especially bothered about staying single.

jessstan2 · 05/08/2020 14:44

@hellotesting123123

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

As your relationship is so new and, generally speaking, you are enjoying it, why not give it another couple of months and see how things go. If he is thinking of settling down with someone and having children, he will probably seek further secure employment. I understand your misgivings but a few months could make a lot of difference to both of you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/08/2020 14:45

Trashtara I really don’t think he does lack drive and ambition.

Technically he has only been unemployed for 1 year. He was on holiday for the other 3.

And I don’t think looking for a year for a job in London when we have had Christmas which always seems to slow things down for a few weeks and lockdown for the best part of 5 months and things are only just returning to normal is anything to go by.

Plus in that year he has taken a course. Re designed someone’s allotment and started a web design company. He has hardly been not doing stuff

Chantelli · 05/08/2020 14:45

Honestly if a key priority for you is financial stability as you would like kids - which is absolutely right - I would run like the wind. What on earth would happen during your maternity year? You'd be stressed out of your mind and resentful because you'd be freelancing and breast feeding at the same time while he did some chaps allotment using permaculture skills for free. He is not grounded and it is not your role to worry about how he makes his loving - never forget, your partner should never be your responsibility to work on and to help sort out - he can only do this himself.

You sound grounded and realistic. Don't let someone who has not grown up yet pull you down like a millstone round your neck if you had children with them.

Lelophants · 05/08/2020 14:46

My first thought was he sounds pretty admirable for realising that his career wasnt for him and has taken steps to make changes. It looks like he's done a lot with his life and you just happen to have caught him at a stalemate. 🤷🏻‍♀️We've all been there.

If you are looking for a longterm thing I dont think this is necessarily a long term problem? He has shown commitment and hard work in career before.

Honestly he sounds like a bit of a creative, which can have its perks (as you've seen!) That's also why you like him. Even if his jobs are a bit more airy fairy from now on, there is normally one breadwinner op and in this case it might be you. This isnt the traditional way but doesnt mean it's wrong. Is this an issue? Ideally you can afford you own things anyway. He sounds like a really interesting and lovely guy really aren't that many left

If everything else is perfect I wouldnt necessarily get rid so soon. Due to covid, a high proportion of men you meet from now on may be unemployed.

When did you intend to actually marry and have kids? Keep talking to him and maybe see if these things come up. Honesty is generally better.

Lelophants · 05/08/2020 14:49

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like you want a man to 'take care of you'. 🙈 Just note that those men wont necessarily be the best match in real terms.

What about if he was the stay at home dad?

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/08/2020 14:51

Unless you are going to marry a multi millionaire I don’t think you can guarantee financial stability.

Things happen, people get sick, lose their jobs. Nothing is certain.

4 years ago we had done everything right.
Large amount of savings, Dp had a good pension and a steady job.
Then he got cancer. The savings went on keeping him alive because the treatment wasn’t covered by the NHS

He was in hospital for several months.
Pension had to be drawn down because we needed to live and the job has long gone.

We will adapt and survive but you can’t guarantee anything.

Lelophants · 05/08/2020 14:52

Reading some more of your messages op.

I can imagine he would still be able to pay some money towards mortgage etc? If you really are cornered he'd want to 100% live off you then that is an issue. I can imagine that's not the case though?

uniglowooljumper · 05/08/2020 14:55

@Lelophants

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like you want a man to 'take care of you'. 🙈 Just note that those men wont necessarily be the best match in real terms.

What about if he was the stay at home dad?

And that this type of man might be looking for someone younger than 36.

Chantelli · 05/08/2020 14:55

I think it sounds like lifestyle incompatibility - do you want the semi in Chiswick op while he is happy in a co op in Leyton? Not all matches are practical in the long term.

roundandsideways · 05/08/2020 15:07

Nothing is certain in a long term relationship. I think if everything else is as good as you say, then you should continue with him. You'll regret not giving this a proper chance. Things can change.

Jojobar · 05/08/2020 15:15

@Oliversmumsarmy

Unless you are going to marry a multi millionaire I don’t think you can guarantee financial stability.

Things happen, people get sick, lose their jobs. Nothing is certain.

4 years ago we had done everything right.
Large amount of savings, Dp had a good pension and a steady job.
Then he got cancer. The savings went on keeping him alive because the treatment wasn’t covered by the NHS

He was in hospital for several months.
Pension had to be drawn down because we needed to live and the job has long gone.

We will adapt and survive but you can’t guarantee anything.

This, absolutely. Oliversmumsarmy, hope your DP is doing ok now, what a terrible time that must have been for your family.

No one knows what's round the corner.

OP, for all you know you might not be able to have children. You or he might have fertility issues. He might not even want a family (not everyone does).

I've always earned my own money, been self sufficient and raised my children on my own. I would have liked to meet someone who made me happy, irrespective of their financial position but that never happened.

However there's a big world outside London. Where property is still (relatively) cheap, and plenty of people live a sustainable lifestyle or have a great work-life balance. This year has demonstrated that those of us with office based jobs can work effectively from home and many of us probably will now not return. So if your future is with this guy, it doesn't have to be in a 800k garden flat in zone 2, it can be outside London, beyond the South East. Plenty of places where you can buy a nice house for 130-150k and live comfortably on a fairly modest income.

Or even go completely off grid. Sounds like he has a lot of practical skills and for me that would win over a big salaried job or ostentatious wealth every time. Because those jobs can always be lost.

GwendolineMarysLaces · 05/08/2020 15:16

@Time40

You really, really like someone. He's beautiful. He's kind. You have amazing chemistry. He's not lazy. And you're considering dumping him at the very early stages of the relationship, because of possible money issues in the future? In the nicest possible way, OP .... are you crazy?

In your place, I would make sure I was financially secure, and that I could afford to have a baby ... and then it wouldn't matter if my lovely kind beautiful partner couldn't contribute much.

This!! He sounds ace. There's an awful lot of knobheads out there, and def no guarantee of finding anyone else who you would even consider reproducing with.

Saucy99 · 05/08/2020 15:18

If I were him I'd run a mile

Iwalkinmyclothing · 05/08/2020 15:21

You should definitely end it. At the very least, you should tell him all this so he knows a bit more about who you are, what matters to you, how you think, etc.

Chantelli · 05/08/2020 15:23

This is a good point. Does he know what your aspirations are OP? Have you been completely upfront about what kind of life you want to lead?

JinglingHellsBells · 05/08/2020 15:24

Are you still reading @hellotesting123123 or have the comments frightened you off?

Personally, I think you are jumping the gun.

It's 4 months in.

You might get dumped by him.
He might not like your freelance lifestyle!

At 36 you ought to be able to buy your own place if you have a deposit saved. You don't HAVE to live in London I assume.
Suburbs and commute? So sort out your own living stuff first.
At the same time, if your work is in any way hit by Covid, it might dry up- you've not said what you do.

If you BOTH want to be together, how you fund a home and raise kids is a JOINT conversation.

The BEING TOGETHER FOR GOOD conversation comes first.
Funding it comes next.

If he loves you to bits and wants you to have his babies, that might be all he needs to get his arse into gear and find a regular form of income.

-My advice is you talk to him to see if you both wants kids in the near future, that's the first chat.

-Then you give it a bit longer to see if you want to be with each other. maybe 9 months in total?

-Then you talk about how to fund your house and a family.

Also - be careful- it might not be a one way street and you assume he thinks you are Miss Right.

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/08/2020 15:24

OP at a similar age a dear friend of mine met a lovely man and from the first date told him she wanted marriage and children and if he didn’t want those things then they wouldn’t continue. They had a baby within a year, brought a house and had another one the following year.

I can work out. But you need to be clear of what you want. Stop skirting round the issue.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/08/2020 15:28

^^ this.

At 36 you are too old to mess about. That means you talk to any guys about your desire to have kids.

If they run, fair enough.

You don't have to decide if he is right for you and vice versa within 2 dates BUT you both need to want the same things at the same time

Even intelligent guys of 38 can be a bit blind when it comes to recognising women's bio clocks as it doesn't apply to them.

TempestHayes · 05/08/2020 15:29

Software development is a lucrative arena. It's not 'teenagers making a website'. There are large dev teams building very large apps, and they always need more.

I got into it at 35. Smartest move I ever made.

He sounds like he's doing just fine.

Also why do you care so much about his money? He can clearly support himself and won't be a burden on you. You have your own finances to worry about, your own savings etc - you can't hope a man's salary is going to swoop in and give you a mortgage and security. You need to get that for yourself - money that comes from men can be whipped away from you at a moment's notice.

Sundiamond · 05/08/2020 15:44

Definitely, definitely 100% create your own financial security.

The number of women I know who are in miserable marriages, or had terrible divorces because they didn't maintain their own financial independence or career to the level that they would need if they were on the own...amongst many women I know, it is an issue.

I don't earn as much as my husband, but I've constantly worked (contracts), and if we did separate, I'd be fine.

Oh, and whilst money isn't an issue, DH is an amazing dad - and a very good partner - because of the person he is. Every day he shows up for us in decent, helpful, loving ways that goes way beyond the £.

Good luck!