AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

Yes. I’ve read threads on here by women lamenting having missed out on having children due to staying too long in relationships with men who claimed to want kids but always “later” or at some point but actually meant never.

I had ds on my own at 31. Wasn’t planned but I welcomed it. I think as a result it’s much easier for me to be single or leave relationships that aren’t making me happy. The having a child bit was already covered in my 30’s.

It sounds like you need somebody already settled and in a career.
He doesn't sound like the one, tbh. He is happy living how he does and would expect you to live accordingly.
Nothing wrong with this, sounds like my kind of man and the attraction I had for dh, but if it's not for you, then better to walk now.
We'll never have money/stuff, and what most of society values but that wasn't for us.

Do you have kids, @devlesko? I'm not so worried about things, but I do want kids and I've noticed lots of men wont have them until they feel like they've achieved loads / are very stable financially.

OP, by all means have the conversation, but be realistic as to a timeframe.

He's been on a career break for nearly 4 years, and is now wanting to transition to another career...these things take time.

His shy response and nothing else sounds like just say the right thing...stringing you along.

Realistically a man has a genuine idea at 38, and would elaborate if he was genuine.

Someone who wasn't pushed might say a weak yes and not another word.

Are you prepared to push having a child with him while he finds himself and his career, carrying the load, on the off chance he isn't a work shy dreamer?

Sort out YOUR head FIRST before you have your conversation.

Then listen to your gut.

Yes, we have 3. Two are adults now and have their own families, and dd is 16 with one foot out of the door already
Mine is a high achiever in fact a leader in his field, we both just chose careers that don't pay so well.
I'm not sure about stability, I guess we are stable enough. No pensions but have made provision.

Just Seventeen magazine used to give some excellent advice to teenage girls who were thinking of having sex with their boyfriends - 'if you can't talk about it, you aren't ready to do it yet.'

The same principle still applies. If you can't talk about the life that you want with a partner, how are you going to live it with them?

@Zhampagne

Still great advice.

I used to LOVE Just Seventeen.
My older neighbour by 2 years used to pass them on to me when I was about 13, and myself and my friends passed them about like they were the bible!😁

I had children with a loser such as you describe. I left him and am totally financially responsible for them. He is still in and out of work bleating on about his genius. My current boyfriend is lovely and sweet but absolutely skint with no prospects of anything above the living wage. That's fine with me but I won't be supporting him.

Another thought. I bet he smokes weed..

When I was a couple of years younger than you, I started OLD. There was an option for putting in our salaries and if they earned much less than me, I wouldn't consider them. I earned a reasonable wage and had supported myself since I was 19 but I had no interest in subsidising anybody else. I could afford nice holidays and wanted future partners to come with me but didn't want to have to pay for them, or compromise what we did. It was nothing to do with being a gold digger.

Honestly OP, just talk to it about him sooner rather than later. Why do we feel so uncomfortable about discussing major issues like this? He's lucky to have you - solvent, caring, thoughtful - he should be glad you've hung about this far!!

I know you have a few fertile years ahead of you but don't waste time if it's not going anywhere.

It's not all about money, unless you want it to be. This guy sounds lovely.

My first boyfriend was the son of a property developer who is set to inherit vast wealth, and has access to huge amounts of disposable income while he waits for his inheritance. He has also, in the past, had well-paid jobs but is now floating aimlessly, just because he can.

My current boyfriend never has a penny to his name. He farms and ploughs every penny he makes back into the farm. I gave him £2500 to buy some sheep a few months ago and can't help noticing that we now have considerably more sheep than we started with but not a penny to show for it.

A formerly close friend is highly distressed about my situation, but can't understand that I'm financially independent so couldn't give a toss about how much cash he has in his wallet. He can fix machines that haven't worked for 30 years, he can buy horses destined for dogmeat and turn them into winners, and he can coax our wild cow into doing anything he wants (other farmers take one look and tell us to shoot her, and the next day it transpires he's been hand-milking her). Oh and he's sexy af and a secret virtuoso on the electric guitar (but only about 5 people know). I cannot imagine greater riches than having this man in my life.

I saw my first boyfriend last weekend (he came to stay; it was hideous) and felt poorer in every way for having spent 2 days in his company. Poorer emotionally, poorer financially (he expects us to subsidise his many addictions), and experiencing the destitute feeling of having wasted 2 days of my life with somebody who contributes nothing to the world and yet feels entitled to it all.

With the benefit of hindsight, he sounds a bit like some men who go hard in their youth but completely burn out by middle age. I would be cautious about becoming both reliant on and the financial provider for such a man. You could find yourself in a cocklodger situation and/or with children going for court ordered visitation with someone too laidback to properly care for them.

eeek88 that was actually lovely (and refreshing) to read - that people have a value beyond money and to hear how you appreciate your boyfriend's skills (which are valuable). Although I'm intrigued as to how your ex boyfriend came to stay!

I'm unsure if the man the OP describes has such valuable skills, but its for her to decide on.

To be honest, most good men with lucrative careers are married by mid 30s. It gets tricky afterwards as you're left with divorcees and playboys, who often hope to find someone in their 20s. All I'm saying is that the world isn't filled with fab wealthy single men, so you can't just take a pick. But if he doesn't seem like a long term prospect, by all means break it off.

I was just thinking most well off men of a certain age are firmly married, divorced and not keen to take the plunge again, commitment phobes, playboys. Or they could be just plain awful. But loads of the latter do seem to get married.

They also tend to be after women in their 20’s

I'd just date others and put him in rotation. Then you can observe his merits or lack of them without over investment.

Hi everyone, just thought I'd update here. I continued to date him, and witnessed him apply for one more job where he sort of froze and found it really difficult to get the application in, and beat himself up for being a loser. It wasn't the best application, selling himself is really not his strongpoint.

I ended up taking some of your advice and going on a date with someone I met on a dating app last week. It sounds stupid but he ticked all of the boxes plus was literally one of the best looking men I'd ever met. He seems enthusiastic, and we had a second date on the weekend. I didn't mean to, but I slept with him, which made me awful. I don't think it was right to do this whilst dating the other guy.

So, after much umming and aahing I ended it with first guy yesterday. I felt it was only fair. He would have been really upset to find out what I did and I feel upset for doing it to be honest. We had built a really lovely emotional bond, and he has been really caring to me these past few weeks with some v difficult stuff I've been going through. There must have been something really missing for me to do this, I know, as it's not in my nature, but I really now miss him a lot and just feel it was a stupid rash mistake. Maybe I should have stayed and helped him get a job, I don't know (although he was starting to get defensive when I asked about it).

Still speaking to new guy, who I honestly was convinced was 'the one' last week. What an idiot! I did have a lovely time on our second date but now feel sort of dirty. He's very, very kinky which I quite like and enjoy, but it invades too much of the conversation. I miss the solid, sweet guy I've just left already and feel I've made a bad mistake.

It was a very reasonable breakup. He said this had been the loveliest, most drama free relationship he'd ever had. I would agree (although I have also kept him at arms' length because of various reasons so drama free has been easy). He also said he definitely wants kids, although he did admit that he's perhaps not in a good place to have them right now and does need to sort himself out. He said he had often thought about a future together (I wish he'd said this when we were together, but he's not a talker unfortunately. It may have made me take him more seriously).

Sex with my now ex was mind blowing and intimate. With the new guy it's something else entirely and I wonder whether because he's so good looking he's just going to drop me soon for another anyway. He has (not in a dickish way) admitted that he gets a lot of attention, although he's told me that he is very rarely interested in anybody but he's interested in me. All of a sudden though, I just feel crap about the whole situation.

I don't know. I'm underslept today and another lockdown is coming and I probably feel unanchored because all of a sudden I don't have the safety of the guy I was seeing. I just feel like an idiot, and a horrible person.

I should say, the date with the second guy was amazing - thrilling, great sex, lovely cuddles. He is as sweet as he is kinky. We're meeting again tomorrow.

He is also a Londoner from a working class background but went to Oxbridge, like me - VERY rare. We both work in jobs that do good for the world in similar ways but in different fields and I really respect what he does. He's renovating his second house and seems like a proper grown up. Wants children, and to build an eco home, just like me. So there is a lot going for him.

I'm probably also scared because he does seem amazing and I feel vulnerable with him in a way I didn't with first guy, who to be honest was probably a bit less intimidating and felt less like an emotional risk in a way.

Be very careful. A significant difference in earnings in a couple can become a problem unless you discuss it fairly early on. You don't want to think that if things are OK now because of all his good points, they will be fine in ten years. You might find that he feels he can take two years off again because you can support him financially. He may feel he doesn't need to work hard or get a job he's not too keen on in order to help with family costs because you already bring in enough. So much can get worse. So whilst he sounds nice, talk to him and then talk to yourself and try to get a really good look at what you'd be happy with and without. I'm two years in, not in an ever-after relationship (aware and OK with that), and getting fed up with putting more money into things than my OH. But at first I didn't see that I would end up putting the lion's share in... see?

I would definitely speak to him. You’ll never know until you do & it sounds like you’re really compatible in so many areas. He might surprise you with this too. When I first got together with my boyfriend it was really important to me to make sure we were on the same page about children so we spoke about it really early. For me it was a deal breaker if he didn’t want them so I explained that just in a really matter of fact way - if he hadn’t wanted them we’d have amicably gone our separate ways but luckily he did. Talking about plans for the future & making sure they’re aligned if you do want children & a stable lifestyle is really important & perfectly reasonable to do too.

Just read your update, that’ll teach me not to read to the end, sorry!

Perhaps give yourself some time to see how things unfold & let this new guy show his cards. Once your feelings settle this will be a lot more clear x

You're on a hiding to nothing, he won't buckle down and get himself sorted or settle down to a job, he doesn't want to. I don't waste my time on guys like this any more.
Two husbands like this wore me down and by the end I was sick to the back teeth of being the sensible one always working and sick of their selfish behaviour.
Chemistry and great sex doesn't mean anything when you hate them because they are still pissing about in their 60's I promise you.

Especially when you have kids.

I admit to skipping the middle pages, but if both are one of the most beautiful men you’ve ever met, both have intimated that they’re keen on a future, sex is great with either, then it seems that the financials are what it’ll boil down to.
You may feel less secure with man B, but that’s no reason to go back to man A if you’d already decided that his lack of permanent work made the relationship unworkable.