AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

And you know, there will always be something. You can end up with a great careerist - who then leaves you holding the kids. Literally.

Nothing is perfect. No situation is without its trade offs.

He's suffered from depression and doesn't have career stability?

That doesn't sound good.

But the other extreme is a man who earns a packet, who is working all the time, more committed to his job than he is to you, and you never get to see him, he never baths the kids?

It hard to find the middle man.

@Oliversmumsarmy I’m hoping that OP comes back and clarifies the timeline.

She said he left 4 years ago, travelled for 2, then took the summer off too as the weather was nice - and then started having no luck getting a job.

I read that as a short summer extension, so just over 2 years off, and nearly 2 years not finding work.

That makes a huge difference to me - Xmas and Covid as you say may make job seeking harder. But if that year 3 of 4 was also a job seeking year, then that’s a lot of time not finding a job, in somewhere like London.

As a wise friend once said - if you can put his penis in your mouth, you can talk to him about feelings!

I'm stealing this phrase.

Do you know what he is saying is real, his finances etc?

Being happy to not work because the profession isn't 'Nobel' enough, doesn't gel with family life. Neither does a too laid back, disorganised approach. I know women who are married to men who live a good cause, at the expense (in every way) of their family.

His depression and lack of get-up-and-go ended his last relationship. He's 38, his energy levels are only going to get worse.

I'd have a bit more fun with him and read between the lines of what's really gone on in his life. But without a proper conversation, you haven't got time to waste.

Hi everyone, thanks for so many comments! I'll try to answer as many questions as I can.

On timeline - it will be 4 years in December. He had the planned 2 years, then apparently didn't look for a job until Autumn the next year (although he admits he should have started looking for a job before then, but the 'summer was too nice' or something). Then I guess it was Xmas, then Covid.

I agree with the people that say that this is a long time. And I know he has hardly any savings left - I just think if you were serious about wanting to settle down in life, not earning for that long would not be an option. You would at least earn enough to not go backwards?

On the other hand I agree with those that say that he clearly can earn money and save etc. I think he did drift quite a bit from role to role in his earlier career - the longest was 3.5 years but most of them were 1-2 years, and he said he should have been 'more strategic' about career progression. ie I think he was a bit stuck.

As you say, a lovely man can be hard to find. I would happily be the breadwinner, if he could demonstrate he could contribute. I would want to not work full time and spend time with my children and I think ideally he would do this too.

I definitely don't want or expect a house in Chiswick. For now, a modest two bed flat with a garden would be lovely. I'm looking at buying in Bristol potentially as it's more reasonably priced and I think it would be a good fit. I do love the idea of going offgrid and more far out but I would only do this if I had a very solid relationship with someone - it would be very isolating to do alone and require a lot of time and hard labour to make it work, which would not be possible with a child (if I went done the lone parenting route) and my job. So I think it's too early to think about that, but Bristol could be doable because it would work alone or in a relationship.

I have told him I want children, and spoken about it quite a bit. I'm also about to freeze my eggs, which he knows about. I asked him if he wants children and he said yes, but in a sort of shy way. He has not mentioned it since, and as I say I worry he is not in the right place to have them given he is feeling a bit lost.

To the poster that mentioned her husband with cancer, my heart goes out to you. My ex also had cancer and I essentially acted as his carer for quite a few years. He went through all of his savings during that time, and I experienced first hand how much strain that puts on you when you're already so worried and sick. I think this is why I'm now more money conscious. I never really cared before - always worked in charities etc.

I've also been with too many guys that don't earn much and then use that as an excuse for not generally being a grown up / able to talk about things like kids, so I guess that is feeding my worry here. I know his ex was also freezing her eggs and he said she got 'very emotional' about the whole thing. I'm sensing there were tensions and I guess I'm just frightened of having the conversation and putting him off.

I think this is really about my reluctance to talk about this frankly with him. I want to know how much he wants kids, when, and whether he feels he will be in the right place for them in a couple of years time. But I worry this will put him under unnecessary pressure and put him off. How would you approach this conversation?

And on the question around the recent job application, he said it was his 'ideal job' yet left it 2 hours before the deadline to do the application even though I had said I could help him that day ( I used to work in recruitment and work in the industry he was applying for so could have really helped). He was vaguely ill that weekend, but I think he was just putting it off as I saw him and he was functioning just fine. I do think he's quite anxious and lacking in confidence which fed this behaviour, but I have a tendency to want to care for / fix my partners and do stuff on their behalf, and I can just see myself being ambitious on his behalf and then getting frustrated when he doesn't follow through. I've had that dynamic with one lazy boyfriend in the past and it was really unattractive to me in the end. It's less about the money (although I DO want stability and a clear path to what I want with someone), and more just about a sense of purpose, reliability, etc.

Arent you jumping the gun a bit? Has he said he wants a future with you supporting your future children?

But to those that are saying that I should create my own financial security - don't worry, I am and will! I have no wish to ever live off a man. But I also have no wish for a man to earn off me - I don't earn enough for that. So they need to contribute. If not equally, then enough for things to feel fair - either in their time (ie stay at home dad) or money.

Sounds like he has good job prospects, to address your title. Plus the chemistry and compatibility you have for him is what will get you through the hard bits of pregnancy and parenthood.

@RaisinGhost

This is a tough one because he clearly is smart and isn't lazy, or at least hasn't been in the past. It's not like he's never worked. And he must be very responsible with money, he must have saved quite a bit and has made it last by living sensibly.

This sounds horrible but do you normally have a lot of luck/success dating? Because I'd put up with this no problem, but I don't have much luck dating and don't think I've met someone who was really attractive, nice, kind, smart, etc, who also liked me back. But if you meet people like this often then maybe you can afford to throw this one back.

@RaisinGhost haha good question. Actually I do generally have lots of luck - in general most guys want to see me again and it seems to be very easy to get into relationships. I have two other guys who are keen that I've turned away due to this guy but I know they'd want to meet if I were single etc. So I don't think lack of prospects is an issue, although I am certainly paranoid that the older I get the more this will be the case.

I think you go with the flow for another 2-3 months and then decide.

Everything you say makes sense to me and I'd be worried about a man with MH issues rather than a lack of a good job (when he has prospects to find one ) but for him they seem to go hand in hand.

You say he 'was in engineering' and in the oil and gas industry so does he have a degree? Sending emails and doing spread sheets is not what engineers do in that line of work as a full time role! Is he qualified to do anything? many engineers I know in oil and gas have masters or PhDs and are project managing teams on $billion projects.

I think you ought to give yourself a cut off point with this.

It all may become clearer in the next month or so.

But equally, I'd also let him know that you have a few years of fertile life left ( maybe 3-4) and you really want to find someone who wants the same as you.

I think maybe you can use the reason of your ex (was this a marriage and did he die? So sorry if that was the case) that has made you want to grab life and not waste time.

@Porcupineinwaiting

Arent you jumping the gun a bit? Has he said he wants a future with you supporting your future children?

No, but he has hinted at this. It's only been a month or two of seeing each other in the flesh! but I'm asking mumsnetters now because if this stuff is a red flag I'd rather not pursue it regardless of what he may or may not in the future.

I’d wonder if he was good sahd material as he does seem to drift and enjoy life quite a bit and little children/parenting is hard work. I’m not sure what the answer is, there is always something. He sounds as though he needs a more secure career plan regardless.

Thanks @JinglingHellsBells, yes I think that makes sense. I am also I guess worried about his mental health and general stability. He seems pretty chipper all the time, but of course we don't know each other very well.

He does have a degree in naval engineering, and spent lots of time on big ships. I think he was managing projects rather than doing the engineering on them or something? I don't really understand tbh.

Should I have the chat with him now about how he sees his future, or wait for a month and see what happens? I can just feel my anxiety rising and I'm not quite being myself. I've wasted enough time on bad prospects which isn't his fault but I think that's adding to a sense of urgency here.

Whilst I wouldn’t definitely write him off, if you’re having doubts now then listen to them carefully before you realise in 2, 3 or 4 years time that you’ve made a mistake. Have a Really honest conversation about where you personally would like things to go and take it from there. 36 means that you’ve probably only got up to 10 years left realistically to start a family so don’t waste a moment.

@embarrasseduser haha I love you for saying I have ten years to start a family!! I am feeling in a rush to do it asap, like in the next year or two. Cant work out if that's societal pressure or broodiness. I just really want to feel SETTLED soon though and put down roots. So tired of renting. I just want to be able to have a nice man, a nice garden and a quiet life. Why is it so hard??

I’ve read about your dating history and it does sound a bit like you are attracted to a particular type that is laid back and fun but then struggle to respect them as they’re not remotely career driven.

You either need to change your perspective on success or choose men that better fit your long term fundamentals (good provider).

I’m not criticising, picking a life partner requires good self knowledge to choose correctly.

Couldn't you have a I know this is early but I really like you and I've been badly messed around before so where do you see yourself/ us going chat or a series of general chats along those lines.

I think you could probably wait a bit longer but if you're worried do it earlier find out where you stand and where his head is at. The reaction should tell you something at any rate - if you still have doubts after that then would be time to move on.

On timeline - it will be 4 years in December. He had the planned 2 years, then apparently didn't look for a job until Autumn the next year (although he admits he should have started looking for a job before then, but the 'summer was too nice' or something). Then I guess it was Xmas, then Covid.

But all of this was before you even knew him, let alone met him. He only had himself to think about so if that was what he wanted to do and had the money, that's what he did. Maybe you need to give him a bit more time to see if being with you and seeing it as a long term future changes his mind set. His way of life has been his normal for four years, he's not going to find it easy to shift gears overnight.

@merryhouse

This 100% you are looking at what he brings to the table and looking negative at it, but you don't exactly bring much yourself financially - this is 2020 you know - the man doesn't have to be the main earner/bring all the finances!

"Trying not to be rude here.

In the last couple of decades he worked and made significant savings and an investment (ok not a particularly good one, but it's not entirely gone).

In the same time you have saved up "a small flat deposit". Despite "a very good day rate".

I think you'd be better off looking at your own financial prospects if you can't afford a baby."

I posted earlier that I was at you describing him as chilled and positive, whilst also using words like depression and self loathing.

Now you’re adding anxious and lacking in confidence, and worries and his mental health and stability.

So which is it?

I don’t blame you for not knowing him well - it’s only been a few months! But it’s good you’re questioning this - if the up sides to balance him not currently having a job plan is that his chilled / positive side balances you, then you need to be sure that chilled / positive man actually exists!

@hellotesting123123 I think the answer might be to play the field. Not suggesting you sleep with loads of men at the same time (though feel free...) but I''d maybe not look at this as exclusive given your circs.

Maybe you could have a conversation with him along the lines of ..

'what do you want to achieve by the time you are 40?' or 'what's the one thing in life you really want to have ?' 'what would be your biggest regret at 80?

This can be done light heartedly, maybe around your own plans to buy a flat or whatever.

Give it a bit longer but do think about seeing other guys too.

Well, it's your relationship, you can. But I clicked the thread expecting something like a criminal record or a history of getting sacked! The gap won't do his career any favours but his prospects are still better than many. Although tbh Covid is going to fuck things for everyone.

I also find it interesting that you say you think he didn’t know what he wanted to do... and then the job he farted about over was his “ideal job.” Do people who don’t know what they want to do, have an ideal job then? Perhaps he needed to see it to realise that it was... it which case - what is he doing to move himself in that direction? What was the job?