AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

Ha! Autocorrected - that should have said faffed about, but I suppose farted about works too

@EmbarrassedUser Fertile at 46? Possibly but most women want and need to start a family by 40 at the latest. A 2nd or 3rd child in your early 40s is a possibility but over 40 is pushing it for a first as you don't know your fertility status.

I know I sound like I’m on a complete downer on him but I would be careful not to make ANY assumptions about him too early. Like you say he’s able to save money.

Well... he was probably getting paid a fuckton, and possibly some tax free depending on the ships thing - and maybe if on ships for long stretches not much opportunity for casual spending. A lot of non-savers can save in that situation.

Did he actually leave, or was he made redundant? (in which case, that pot of money wasn’t saved)

I have family connections with the army, and have seen several young men with savings - when they’d been on tour. Once home, it disappeared quickly. Is this the equivalent?

So, he had a well paid job and lots of money 3.5 years ago.

Now, he’s burnt through the lot, and has a property he’s losing money on.

So - is he good with money?

Was the property a reasonable investment that didn’t pay off, or was it a stupid waste of money in the first place?

Who knows... including you. I just wouldn’t be as quick as others to say that he’s a saver, because on recent evidence he’s really not, is he?

Yes I tend to agree with @elisandra - it had crossed my mind that he’d been redundant or paid off at some point. We may be wrong but you aren’t wrong to have a few concerns about the long term picture.

‘Create your own financial security’: fully agree, and personally have prioritised that, but IMO doing that isn’t at all inconsistent with wanting a partner who shares both the parenting/domestic work and earning.

Given OP’s age and desire for DC, I wouldn’t, in her shoes, date her boyfriend, as he has numerous red flags for financial flakiness!

Both of my long term adult relationships started with men who were earning around half what I was and not in great financial status, it didn't bother me. However with my support my ex husband probably earned 50% more than me by the time we split, and my current Partner is now earning a nice chunk more me than more me.

I don't think I did anything magic, just encouraged and believed in them.

Opps. *more than me.

Firstly you do not have to give a reasons to stay in a new relationship if you don't want to.
Secondly if I had know someone for 4 months and they thought the way you did, I would give them the heave ho straight away.

A very interesting thread.

Financial stress can kill a relationship. On the other hand, someone earning a high salary can be made redundant/get ill and your financially stable life can fall apart rapidly.

How did your boyfriend earn so much originally? Was he in the right place at the right time or working unsocial hours or working away from home without having the usual day to day bills?

Why did he buy in Australia? Is it his plan to move there?

For me, having learned the hard way, being with someone who is well qualified and able to secure future employment through qualifications is hugely important.

OK, being devil's advocate here, but if he knows you're freezing your eggs, then he also knows that if you ask him if he wants kids and he says no, he is dumped immediately. So I wouldn't put too much store in that "shy yes".

I know a lot of late 30s/40s men, some want kids and some don't. The ones who do aren't dating 36 year olds. Sorry.

@hellotesting123123

I liked your last post. Tell him that really - "I want a nice partner, a nice flat and a nice family and I feel I need to be working towards that (even if not all at once) in the next couple of years. You are kind, funny, handsome and great in bed, but what do you actually want for yourself in the next couple of years? If we stay together, I am happy to support you with building a new career and I know that takes time but I also need to know that you would do a non-ideal job to get by temporarily if we stayed together and had a family and we needed some extra cash for a bit? If I met you ten years ago I'd be happy to hang around for a couple of years, but I am in my late 30s now, so I really need to make good decisions about my future." Good men can understand that if they want to fanny around for a good few more years before giving it some focus that might not fit with your fertility. It sounds as if he is a good bloke. If it scares him off and he is not even willing to discuss then you have saved yourself some energy.

But then I told my now DH when I was 25 "you have had 3 years to work it out now. I won't wait after 28 - it's just not fair to string me along".

@hellotesting123123 I don't want to be the negative person but I was in very much the same position with a previous partner. All the way up until I was in my 30s.

He was well educated, had a great job but in the 18 years he has been at this well paid job he saved almost close to nothing except some in his pension amounting to £350,000.

I met him right when he was leaving his lucrative job and starting something more entrepreneurial. He had enough savings to last him about a year and when that ran out - and we were living together at that point - I was stressed, anxious and felt immense pressure to carry our "family" expenses. At the time I loved him dearly, believed in him and truly thought his career would take off once more.

He, at the time, was deeply remorseful for his lack of savings, his inability to contribute to a deposit and the frivolous lifestyle he had led when he was earning a lot.

This dragged on for a few more years and in the end I ended up leaving him. Slowly the purgatory of his career situation dragged down the entire relationship and I felt we could never move forward with getting married, having children. My love for him eroded over this time as well.

I'm not saying you shouldn't give someone a benefit of a doubt but I am saying in hindsight the red flags were there to begin with. He is and was a sweet person but if he wasn't able to get his financial affairs and career in order before we had met, me staying and supporting him through all those years just prolonged that painful fact.

My (biased) vote is that you leave and save yourself some heartache

@hellotesting123123 You will only know how much he cares if you pull back and he fesses up, OR ask him his life goals and accept the answers.

At the moment he only has himself to support. (Does he rent?)

It has probably never crossed his mind that women see him as a 'poor catch' with his job prospects at the moment.

I agree with some other posters who said you need to re-think your tick list.

If you want someone with a steady or high flying career, that's fine. But the downside is they might be a)boring as hell or b) a workaholic.

If you date a man who is lovely, interesting, turns you on but is a bit flaky in the career dept, you need to balance that against all his good points.

I think you need to do some real soul searching to know if you rate a man by his career, (almost a status thing) or not.

Research (science) does show that women prefer men who are more highly educated than them and higher earners. Women tend to marry up ( on the whole.)

Yes, of course there are exceptions.

In your shoes what I'd want to know is if his lack of commitment to work and his impulsivity to leave and do new things, spill over in his behaviour in relationships. Does he up sticks when the going gets tough? Does he stick at things and see them through? Is he reliable and honest?

Or is he a flaky chap all round who doesn't plan, a drifter, someone who can't decide what he wants.

Also at 38 you can ask yourself why he's not been snapped up.
Any ideas on that?

Not sure i agree with @MsRinky that any man that wants babies won't date 36 year old. I know several that want to date older women because they also want to get their skates on, and older women are likely to want to move a bit faster. I also think its a bit sad to assume he's stringing OP along by lying about kids. He'd have to be a real dick to do this surely?

What are others thoughts on men who want kids? They can't all not be interested in a 36 year old??

I have a couple of friends- knew the man- who married at 34 to a woman almost 37. Before she was 40 they ad 2 kids. Likewise a friend married at 35 to a man who was closer to 40.

Men DO tend to go for younger women much of the time, but I don't think this applies so much to you and this man. If he was 45 and wanted kids he'd not be looking at a woman aged 45 unless he had met her and fallen in love. Older men like that want a younger woman.

@hellotesting123123 in my experience it takes a couple of years to start to really get to know somebody and it can also take that amount of time for somebody to show their true colours.
My point being that whatever he actually says now or whatever you feel now or whatever circumstances are now they could all be completely different in 2 years time for many reasons.
If it's important to know certain things for your own peace of mind then you should ask him to clarify before possibly wasting 2 years.

I met my OH when I was in my mid thirties, he was younger. I was earning 7x him and his career was a non-starter. I didn't mind the money difference, I paid for treats and holidays and bought my house and we lived within his means otherwise and I blasted through my mortgage with the extra. However, his self esteem took a battering and it impacted on our relationship, and he refused to start a family as he felt he hadn't found his feet in the world yet. After five years he got there and he's now in a career he loves and earns a decent wage, and was ready to start a family. However, I'm now 40 and we've been trying for years and are about to start IVF with slim hopes.

Hopefully it works out better for you, and freezing your eggs is a good call, hopefully that procedure is more successful than it used to be.

Some people just aren't very materialistic though are they?

My partner works in a very well paid role however he likes a simple life and pays himself a salary of £1200 a month which covers all his expenses with money to spare. He rents a house for £500 a month (Central England, obviously a long way from London). He isn't tight at all, but he just doesn't like stuff, material things are not important. So he doesn't have much to spend money on...he buys nice food but that's his only extravagance really. In some ways it's made me look differently at my own life and consider what's essential. I appreciate that we are 10 years older than the OP so past the age of having children, but even so - I've spent most of my life working myself ragged as a single parent to afford a big house for my children but I can see now that I might have been just as happy with a simpler life with the right partner.

Sorry I should have said he pays himself a modest salary so he can basically take months off at a time and keep paying the same. Since I've known him (5 years) he's taken about 2 years total off work. He doesn't want to own a property or accumulate any assets.

The procrastination on job applications would put me right off tbh. I'd step back from this one and go out dating again.

This thread has sent chills down me, because everything you mention, the petiteness, the career in oil and gas engineering, the time frame, the visiting his sister in London, even the words "self loathing" exactly matches my ex who dumped me in this words because "I'm seeing someone else now" 2 months ago. Everything except the flat in Australia - his flat is in a different, nearer city to the city he lives in. And he's 40 in August, not 38.

Anyway, assuming they are not the same man and there are indeed quite a few similar men like this around in the same careers, I would advise you to tread warily with someone who hasn't held down a job for such a lengthy period. In my ex's case, he just isn't good at holding down any kind of inter-personal relationship long term or with seeing other people every day. He is great at attracting people initially and being the ideal man, coming across as kind and caring, but he cannot sustain it. Try and find out more about this man and if he is really a safe bet. There might be very good reasons why he can't find another job. Basically, not being able to hold down a job correlates quite well with psychopathy, future faking, pity plays, etc..

I'd also steer clear if he is renting and planning to use you to get onto the property market. Google Homeless Joe - Abe sorry some cities are full of men who latch onto women with their own places. Every time I've advertised my flat, I've been contacted by men who have the same sort of story as the one you describe, but their wife or girlfriend will be throwing them out and they need somewhere to stay very, very quickly, and they just don't happen to have a deposit. As an experiment, I've had a male friend advertise the exact same flat at the same time and he never got contacted by these men at all .

It surely can't be the same man. I hope your relationship works out and this is the man of your dreams, but I'd really do some background checks and double check that the facts he are telling you are true.

Might be too early to tell but if he's genuinely lovely, I would consider continuing to casually date him and see what happens. BUT 4 years of not having a stable job is very concerning at 38. So don't be exclusive and carry on dating other people in the meantime.

I agree with a PP that he could look into landscape gardening if he enjoyed the allotment. There are lots of people looking for gardeners on NextDoor at the moment.

I would listen to what incandescent silver says carefully...

@IncandescentSilver Well you live and learn, that scenario would never have entered my head