AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

Could you expand on the “self loathing” comment about the recent job application?

Do you mean self loathing because he struggled to get motivated to get it sorted because he’s been out of the workforce / dented confidence / something else?

Or self loathing because he was applying for something that wasn’t “him”?

I know I’m being really suspicious of him, from only a few words on a page! I’m very at him not having any “luck” getting a job in London for what - over a year? So I’m wondering if the self loathing is about the “right” job, and he’s actually got a bit of an attitude going on there. I’m also that his ethical issues with working in O&G cane after the final job that “wasn’t going very well”, but didn’t kick in when he was earning enough to buy an investment flat and take 4 years off work.

I can’t put my finger on it... well, I can - supposedly didn’t want to be employed, yet couldn’t find any job in London for a year, pre-Covid. It niggles me.

Plus you using “chilled and positive” in the same post as “depression” and “self loathing”.

I think you’re being way too harsh OP. He sounds like a lovely man and if this is all that you’re worrying about then talk to him. It sounds like he has a good work ethic and clearly is a good saver otherwise he wouldn’t be living off savings and/or having made an investment in property in another country. There is a lot of money in Web Design if you’re good at it. I’d focus on what you can do to make things easier for your maternity, and have a good honest chat with him about where things are going. Is moving out of London an option as it would be cheaper and I imagine Web Design is something that is portable?

I think you need to find out how much depression and anxiety have affected him in the last five years. That's an exceptionally long time off work. He's clearly hard working and capable but seems to doubt himself or lack interest and direction. Why is that.

But even a bloke who appears to be financially sound could lose his job or his livelihood overnight if the wrong things happen at the wrong time. You never know what's round the corner, and what-ifs aren't a basis for planning a life. As far as I'm concerned, at least.

I actually think the reason why he faffed about getting an application ready was deep down I don’t think he wants to be employed in the type of job he is “qualified” for.
I think the 2 years off which turned into 3 was because he couldn’t face going back.

I think he actually wants to be SE in something he enjoys but he knows the website design isn’t regular income so he needs a regular job but otoh he really doesn’t want the regular job he was qualified to do.

That is why I suggested the landscaping route as being something that is completely different to what he is formally qualified to do.
I think his worry is that what ever he wants to do will not pay enough in the early stages and that is what is holding him back from going forward IYSWIM

I do think he needs to see a careers coach
He knows what he doesn’t want but he needs to know what he does want and that he is more than capable of doing it. Even if he has to work in a bar to bring some money in whilst he is getting himself established.

I think he has had a few severe blows to his confidence which is bringing him down as well.

Find the thread on here about the woman dumping her older H because he doesn't have a decent pension. Another thing to think about !

Oh god he could be my DS same age, in the oil/gas industry high up, think 100k tax free. Honey this sector is dead in the water. DS got out two years ago obscene severance package, retrained, opened his own business a hiccup over covid but there you go.

Whatever you decide to do, he has to retrain his field has gone for the foreseeable future.

I’d talk to him, it may be early but it’s important to you. Does he want children? Do you share future aspirations? If you don’t want the same things the financial aspect is irrelevant.

Also I know several people who have waited to have children until they were “financially stable” and ended up missing their chance and regretting it. Money isn’t everything, a good man is hard to find and means a lot more than money

He’s cute, well educated, ethical, can save, and smart enough to want to have a steady situation before bringing a child into it.

He’s a catch.

Throw him back and let someone else have him. You’ll drag him down.

I think that you are getting on very well and have a great intimate relationship.

Surely you can speak to him about BOTH of your goals and aspirations and where you BOTH see yourselves going forward.

Other things like where youwould like to live and how that would tie in with potential jobs and whether you both want kids etc.

Whenever someone has a good point about their nature, there is usually a corresponding downside.

Someone who is kind and helpful? Great at home, but less so if they end up helping all and sundry and being taken for a mug.

Someone who is very driven and wants to be a success, with significant financial security for their family? The money might be nice, but it's less appealing if that means they work 12 hours a day, six days a week and are never available for family time.

This man is laid back, and as you say complements your 'worrying and overthinking nature' (which you are possibly demonstrating very well with this issue). But too laid back and it ends up having exactly the same effect as being lazy.

It's obviously worrying you, the question is - is it worrying him? You say he's anxious about it, which suggests it is. And not being organised about a job application can be a sign of that fear and anxiety, the subconscious is saying 'if I don't apply, I can't not get it'.

I'd suggest that you talk to him, but open the discussion from a different angle. You want children, you know he sees a future for the two of you together. Tell him you'd like children and see what his response is (because you're also second guessing how he will feel about that, so you clear up two issues in one) and if he's positive about that, move the conversation on to how things will look financially if you do. That way you're not going in with what he could easily see as a criticism and become defensive, nor does it sound like you're calling him a failure.

You have legitimate concerns, but also a lot to throw away. Don't let go without exploring all other options.

you want any future children to have the best father possible, not the richest you wouldn't want the poorest either though.
Anyway it is not one or the other, I imagine most people if they had their pick would choose the best father possible + comfortable earnings or career prospects.
OP, I would discuss it with him.

I don't think he is what you want. You may enjoy the company and maybe it's his current state of mind that attracts you. However if a city go getter is what is going to float your boat, who can offer your prospective family financial security - then I don't think this person will fit the bill. Cut your losses and move on

I don’t think this is a “he doesn’t earn enough” situation (which is what I was expecting from the title). It’s a “he’s not settled and ready to commit to a house and baby” situation. I think it’s reasonable for you to be concerned considering you’re 38.

I dated a similar man when I was 30: he flitted between jobs and travelled, he was adamant he wanted to continue that lifestyle and didn’t want to buy a house, get married or have a baby. So I broke up with him and married someone else. I’m in my 40s now and he’s still unmarried with no children, has been with his partner ten years and hasn’t married her. So I guess I was right that he didn’t want what I wanted.

I do think you need to talk to him. At 38 you have literally no time to mess around. I suppose you also have to consider whether you’re likely to meet someone else in time though?

If you are so worried about his financial circumstances, I can't see you being happy with a man who is content not to be earning money for such a long time. He is clearly more laid back about these things than you are and may not take kindly to your expectations.
But whenever I see threads like this, I also think that women expect there to be a perfect man out there. We don't all end up with perfect partners. Some of us end up with very imperfect ones but still manage to smile and appreciate the love they give us and live happy lives. He doesn't seem to be very imperfect at all really. You just have to figure out what your priorities are.

I have ended a relationship for similar reasons. Not job prospects per se (that implies being more concerned about money) but due to a like of drive, ambition and poor work ethic, which meant we weren't compatible.

NEVER rely on anyone else for £.
women have the tick tock thing about babies that men don't have...Don't rush in to get a baby as time is running away.. At least get to know him properly..at least two, three years {he should show his true self in that time} :)

Could you increase your own income somehow and keep seeing him? He sounds very nice.

In the words of Cher - 'my mom asked me when I was going to settle down and marry a rich man. Mom, I am a rich man'.
Create your own wealth and security. Never rely on a man to do so. Will give you life long freedom.

The divorce rate in the oil industry was eye wateringly common which is another reason DS settled down. He needs to sell pad in Australia, thank god DS invested in our home town a property we could keep an eye on for him. What he needs to do is a PGCE and teach if he really wants to settle down. To be honest most of DS mates were well paid travellers, some of his friends still wandering single in their forties and fifties.

What does he need to do a PGCE and teach, when he’s shown no interest in that as a career? odd comment!

I think you need to create your own financial security op rather than expect a man to do it for you

Perhaps he rents out his property in Australia & lives off the income ?

4 years is a long time to be unemployed, but he may have been able to afford this if he had good savings from his O&G job

It's not an easy time to find employment during the virus, there will be plenty of competition

He sounds interesting

Would you live or travel to Australia ?

@Ellisandra

What does he need to do a PGCE and teach, when he’s shown no interest in that as a career? odd comment!

Not really you are thinking of making him husband material the teaching would be a way of having a breadwinner in the family. To be honest from your posts I think he is probably as flaky as some of DS mates, who although lovely are not husband material if you are expecting financial support. You will need to accept you are the breadwinner while he flits around being helpful to others.

@Day0utDrama

Perhaps he rents out his property in Australia & lives off the income ?

4 years is a long time to be unemployed, but he may have been able to afford this if he had good savings from his O&G job

It's not an easy time to find employment during the virus, there will be plenty of competition

He sounds interesting

Would you live or travel to Australia ?

He is losing money on the Aussie home. So that is a non starter.