AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

He sounds lovely, and he clearly has had a career and made investments in the past. Sure, they haven’t worked out completely, but that’s a world away from someone with no work ethic. Life is long, it sounds like you just happen to have met him at a point where he’s not earning much. As long as he has some skills and a work ethic that may well change but you would need to give him a chance, in order to find that out.

I think it’s better to be with someone kind who brings out the best in you than someone you don’t really click with but has the perfect career and prospects!

I’d also want to check that ethical problems with oil and gas doesn’t equal ethical problem with contributing to world population increase.

If I have read it right that he’s drifted for 4 years, that’s about 2 years too many for me.

He may be having a hard time deciding what he wants to do with his life... that’s doesn’t make him a bar person, but it probably does make him a bad partner - for you.

Like others I'm a bit confused about his job timeline. He was in O&G until four years ago - took two years off planned and then decided to extend it. Seems to be a year or two missing from the chronology.

I agree with others who have raised the point that two planned years off is a transition period, four years starts to look like someone who doesn't actually want to work. Especially as he's helping out an elderly person with an allotment instead of putting energy into job hunting.

I would give it six months and see if his course/website building is coming to anything (regular, well paid work, getting a handle on the marketing) or if he gets another permanent job. If neither of these things happen then I think it's time to say bye bye

I feel he won't want to have a child until he's sorted

As a stranger on the internet, I can think up loads of scenarios. What use would that be, compared to asking someone how they see their future?

Does he even want the responsibilities of a family / children ?

Breaking up without asking seems a bit extreme. Finding out his life goals seems to me to be a legitimate part of getting to know someone. If he is not up for talking about it, he probably isn't going to be an ideal partner with whom to raise a family.

You need more information in which to build a decision. Having said that, one couple I knew, who found each other OLD had both been upfront that they wanted children so that they had both included wanting to have children in their profile.

Just ask him. Much better to know that to be hanging on waiting for ... what exactly.

The children chat is perfectly reasonable and important at this stage so he knows what you want in future and see if you’re on the same page.
The career chat I feel is more difficult and involved as it appears he is trying and exploring and is by no means without drive or prospects. He may well go back to civil engineering but in a different field (oil &gas pays very well but do have some difficult culture and ethical issues) perhaps in road or rail of utilities which are more stable (but perhaps mundane which may be suited to shared parenting). But that is definitely jumping the gun in a new relationship.

You really, really like someone. He's beautiful. He's kind. You have amazing chemistry. He's not lazy. And you're considering dumping him at the very early stages of the relationship, because of possible money issues in the future? In the nicest possible way, OP .... are you crazy?

In your place, I would make sure I was financially secure, and that I could afford to have a baby ... and then it wouldn't matter if my lovely kind beautiful partner couldn't contribute much.

He sounds like he’s enjoying being a free spirit.

I would have the chat with him. Sharing the financial burden of parenthood is important to YOU and it’s perfectly fine to want a partner who feels the same about that, whatever other people say about what their choices or preferences would be.

You really need to hear from him about how he feels about his current circumstances. It may be that he’s loving it and doesn’t really want to go back to full time work / a career. Or it may be that he’s feeling really worried and insecure about it but is a bit lost about how to get back into the rat race. If it’s the latter, he could be in a v different position in a year’s time if he puts his mind to it. He may not realise that the clock is ticking for you.

He sounds great, if you end it can I marry him?

I'd talk to him about the future and expectations.

I was doing that with DH when I met him at 18 at Univeristy general what are you looking for in life- and neither of us were planned to settle down for another decade and knew life was taking us to different places in meantime but longer term were were on the same page.

So I would have thought at 36 those coversations would be happening anyway.

Years out of the workplace do affect confidence but he does seem to be doing something - maybe he needs a bit more help with direction or maybe he's happy bummbling along.

I would have thought several sounding out conversations along those lines to help you think things though would be more useful than asking strangers on internet.

Otherwise no it's not unreasonable to walk away from a relationship for any reason - and having incompatible long term aims and even timelines isn't a small thing.

Aside from him if you’re freelance do you need to live in London? That small deposit for a flat in London could be a sizeable deposit for a house elsewhere which you could live in or rent out for now and be paying down a mortgage. Maybe you buy somewhere you’d like to live if and when you have children or having funnelled 90% of the rent into the mortgage for a few years you can sell at a profit.

As for him just ask how he sees his future, whether he wants children etc and see what that conversation tells you and where it leads.

Personally if you know you want a child and you’re in your mid thirties it’s you who needs to get your ducks in a row and make decisions as to whether you’re going to wait for a man who fits a template, just someone you love and think would be a loving father and ultimately whether you’re willing to go it alone or would rather not be a mother than do it alone.

Listen to your gut instincts. If this is unreasonable for you, then leave.
But talk to him about the future and how you feel. To me he sounds a bit lost, not wirk shy or lazy. Having future plans may just what he needs to get going!

one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite

Sorry, but from this description I imagine you having a family that would look like a tribe of Hobbits.

Think I'd look at having a child alone, tbh.

I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

You could take a short maternity leave and return to work while he stays at home or studies / trains around the baby. It’s a very common dynamic, albeit usually with switched gender roles. How would you feel about being the breadwinner for a few years?

I think you should dump him - but for his sake, not for yours.

Let him be free to be with @scruffymac !

Someone will really really appreciate him - and I don't think that someone is you.

I often come on threads like this and say you can dump someone at the beginning of the relationship for whatever reason you like even if it's as silly as you think his belly button is a bit ugly.

However, in this case, I think you're being hasty because your concerns are not even confirmed as real. You haven't discussed any of this with him - what he wants to do, how he sees his life playing out etc. It's early and certainly laying down ultimatums would be weird at this point bt after a few months, in your late 30s, I would not be hesitant about sounding out what he wants long term from life. IME, in your teens/early 20s you can drift along for years without discussing this but people who are in their 30s tend to move through the stages of a relationship a whole lot quicker.

Also, the fact that he's not lazy and is willing to do whatever is needed to earn money, up to a point, is, I think, more important than his actual earning potential. A lazy man or resentful man who earns plenty is not someone who will ever be happy.

Final point, if you want to remain as a freelancer and have children, having a man who may not be as tied down to a career won't hurt. DC1 I was working in a "big" City job - would have been impossible without DH as SAHD or, at the very least, the most flexible and well paid nanny in the world. DC2 I was self employed and was back at work (albeit part time) 2 weeks after an Emergency c section. Again, without DH as a SAHD that would have been 100% impossible. Now, with both kids at school, he is earning again while remaining the DC's primary carer. Trust me, I'm incredibly grateful as I couldn't be doing what I do without the flexibility I get. (Am also in comms)

I’m not so sure about the free spirit thing.
You know that after he has his extra summer off, he was actually applying for jobs. But didn’t get one due to “bad luck”. That’s 2 years ago now almost, well pre-Covid.

O&G has struggled in some roles... but he couldn’t get a job, at all - in London?

Then he was depressed because he was unemployed? And you witnessed him faff about with an application, and then feel self loathing. Which part of this is the, “chilled and positive” that you’re staying with him for?

And he still hasn’t sorted out a bad investment...

I totally agree with others who say rely on your own financial security. But I think he goes a bit beyond “free spirit deciding what to do next.”

You say you “think” his savings are running out - why do you think that? London isn’t a cheap place to live when you’re not earning.

I would have my eyes and ears very open whilst dating this one.

He sounds lovely but I think this will always be a bone of contention between you if it's already bothering you.

My DH has a friend who hasn't been able to hold onto a job for a decade. His wife told my DH that she knew she'd never be rich but that she'd be happy; she has never seemed overly bothered by him losing jobs/stints of unemployment/jumping from job to job, even though they have kids. It would make me a nervous and resentful wreck!

My point being - secure financial prospects are important to some and not to others. If they are important to you, have that conversation soon and be willing to walk away if his answer isn't compatible with the future you envision.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he isn’t worrying about similar stuff.

If you have the connection and you get on and he does seem to have some ambition to work. He hasn’t exactly been idle over the years.
He worked and saved then took a few years off and he is actively looking for a different direction. I think he sounds like someone who as soon as he finds that different direction he is going to pour everything into getting himself established and will probably out earn you.

The last few years have been hard on him. A break up and not being able to find a job, then Covid.

But he still is doing some freelance work, made over someone’s allotment and took a course. So not exactly sitting around being passive.

Just a suggestion but did he enjoy the allotment makeover and permaculture course.
Would he look at gardening and landscaping, and with his engineering background installing swimming pools etc. And doing website design on the side/through the winter months as well.

You could find someone who has a steady income but doesn’t tick all the other boxes
It won’t last and will more than likely end up making you unhappy and costing you in the long run.

You could find someone with money who has a few areas

just ask him how he feels about having a family etc.

I agree it sounds like he's done well in the past. There are so many, so many, people out of work now that you may well find a lot of men are facing exactly the same dilemma as him. It's not like he doesn't have a work ethic.

as someone who was single for 8 years and did online dating for about 2, the fact that you found a nice man is a miracle. The majority of the ones I met were total arseholes and cock lodgers. He doesn't sound like that at all but talk to him.

For richer, for poorer. This bloke sounds great, I want to be his mate. And I think most blokes are idiots!

Woah slow down a bit! Why are you talking about babies with a man you only started talking to 4 months ago? Just chill out a bit and maybe reassess things a bit further down the line in a few months when you've got to know him better. Things may be very different then.

I'd say he sounds lovely, and not lazy. If he is interested in having children, sometime down the line, then I would not dump him!
He has worked consistently and got savings before meeting you/lived within his means.

As above, create your own financial security.

I had 1 mat leave employed, 3 self employed and got statutory mat leave and used my own savings. I was married so tbf there was more security but I still could have managed and if anyone can do it this way I'd recommend it.

This is a tough one because he clearly is smart and isn't lazy, or at least hasn't been in the past. It's not like he's never worked. And he must be very responsible with money, he must have saved quite a bit and has made it last by living sensibly.

This sounds horrible but do you normally have a lot of luck/success dating? Because I'd put up with this no problem, but I don't have much luck dating and don't think I've met someone who was really attractive, nice, kind, smart, etc, who also liked me back. But if you meet people like this often then maybe you can afford to throw this one back.