To ask if Gentle Parenting works or is it a fad?

[Overthinker1988]

I'm a member of a few FB groups about baby wearing and alternatives to sleep training, which led me to Sarah Ockwell-Smith and her "gentle parenting" methods.
It sounded appealing, because when my baby gets older I want to avoid the kind of parenting I got as a child (lots of shouting, smacking and stress all round).
But after reading her book I'm confused. She says boundaries should be enforced but doesn't actually say how to do that, other than vague advice to "communicate" with your child.
Ok but what if they just refuse to do what you say? Time outs and removal of privileges are banned, so what then?
Praise and rewards are also bad apparently. So instead of saying "well done" you should say "I bet you're proud of doing XYZ". I'm not sure I'd ever speak like that, seems a bit robotic.
It seems that gentle parenting is becoming more and more popular though. Is anybody here doing it, and does it work? Or do you think it's just the latest trend?

I think you can pick and choose the bits that come natural to you or you want to do.
I wouldn’t call myself a ‘gentle parent’ but I have never punished my kids by time outs or naughty step or taken toys/tech away. The only time I’ve done that is if it’s the actual thing causing the problem.
For example, I took tech away because ds wasn’t coming off it after numerous requests and was getting a bit emotional. I wouldn’t take tech away if, say, they’d hit their brother as that’s unconnected.
I always explain boundaries and rules to my dc so they know why we have specific rules and what we’re trying to achieve or avoid.
I have shouted at dc because I’m human and get to the end of my tether like anyone else.
I always say well done to my dc as well as asking if their proud of themselves. Especially if they’ve worked hard.
Generally, we’re a calm and respectful household.

I am a massive fan of ‘gentle parenting’ but I have not read a book or any information, I’m merely doing what I feel is ‘right’. Books complicate things.
Both DH and I work in a referral unit, a large majority of children there come from ‘shouty’ families/smacking/etc.

If DS is having a tantrum, we will remove him from the situation, give him a big cuddle and try and talk to him rather than go straight to discipline etc. Obviously if a stern word is warranted, we will, but we will look at other causes first. Is he tired? Hungry? Bored? Rather than just assume he is in the wrong.

We don’t have time outs because we don’t believe that solves the root of the issue. If a child kicks something in frustration, how will time out solve that? I would rather find out why he kicked and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

We always say “well done” but we also make an extra effort to say “that was a really great choice to do xyz” so DS knows exactly why he is being praised

I love it personally. I’m not stressed at all as a parent and have an easygoing child who knows I will support him in a majority of things.

Yes it’s not for everyone, and yes it might not work if you have multiple children close in age as it does require more time and patience, but I will enjoy the stgle

Theres an awful lot in the space between shouty parenting and so called 'gentle parenting'. It's not one of the other.

I don't shout at my children but the boundaries are very clear.

I've not read the book you refer to but I've never shouted at my children, I dont think it works in the long term. I reward (usually just with praise) good behaviour and generally try to work out what the cause of bad behaviour is. It's worked for us, but we are in a fortunate position - both my children are neuro typical and they go to supportive school, I have a close family who love the children and we have no major money worries. We both work full time but our weekends are free to spend lots of quality time with the kids and we're both around to put the children to bed each evening and we are in a happy and supportive marriage. All those factors raise content, loved children which makes "gentle" parenting far easier.

I think sometime " gentle patenting" gets confused with "completely ineffectual parenting". You should be aiming for high empathy and high limit settings. Kids without limits can feel unsafe. How would you feel if you went to work and noone told you how you were expected to behave? You can set limits in clear, calm and positive ways. You don't need to shout and scream at your kids. But not setting consistent boundaries is an absolute disaster as far as I can see. Some kids respond fine to very gentle boundary setting. Others will need boundaries to be set more clearly. You do your child absolutely no favours if you let their wishes ride roughshod over everyone else.

I’ve found it’s a bit of a fad in the sense that it tries to make you talk in a weird way. Like you said. Although I agree with it in principle. A book I found much better was ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ by Philippa Perry. Also advocates no shouting but is much less judgey. So talks about how to manage it when you do make a mistake in parenting. And it looks at what you’re triggers are to finding situations stressful. I’ve read it twice now.

Yes I agree there's a line between gentle parenting and no parenting being called gentle parenting. It was obvious the child at my kids childminders who fell under the latter.

I try and follow a therapeutic parenting style and use natural consequences and connection first but there's still firm boundaries and always consequences

It doesn’t work for me as a childcare provider and I prefer to work for parents who want firm fair discipline and boundaries.

To be honest even saying “gentle” parenting sets my teeth in edge.

But everyone has their own view of how they want their children to be raised so if it works it works.

It’s actually been around for years, just didn’t have a name. It’s easy to knock it as people seem to think it involves letting your children do what they want and having no boundaries. That’s not gentle parenting, that’s permissive parenting and that’s as bad as being a shouty, authoritarian parent. It really does work because, amongst other things, you teach your children what their emotions are and how to deal with them (helps them deal with frustration etc that can cause meltdowns), gives them guidance on how to interact with those around them, shows them that they matter and what they think counts which helps them develop self-confidence and security which will help them for years to come. It can take a lot of patience but the long term benefits are huge. My DC haven’t ever really had tantrums in their 5 years (just the usual disgruntlement), they’re caring, have amazing empathy, are well behaved, boisterous, characterful 5 year olds. It’s perfect if you don’t want to have a noisy, shouty household as the tone of everything is dialled down which helps everyone keep their temper. As a pp said, the best way todo it is do some reading and find the things that will work for you. “Punishments” ie removal of privileges (much loved on MN!!) are not natural consequence. Children love fairness. Having a iPad taken away because you didn’t tidy your room is unfair (to a child). The thing they’re concentrating on then shifts to not having the iPad as opposed to the importance of tidying their room. If you don’t put your shoes on, we’re not going out. If you threaten punishment in those situations you are escalating things, everyone gets p*ssed off, you lose your temper and yell something ridiculous ridiculous like no Christmas presents, DC ends up crying, you feel awful, child still doesn’t have their shoes on and you’re an hour late leaving the house. 1 or 2 times of actually not going out will actually work and make sure they put their shoes on. A child who has their behaviour and your expectations calmly explained to them is more likely to actually to learn how to behave. You model the behaviour you want and they voluntarily do it because that’s just how you behave. If you use threats and punishments you may need to increase those as the child grows up and you may find they don’t learn to do the behaviour without the threats so you’ve always got to be there telling them what to do. Time outs can work, but younger children don’t have the reasoning abilities to work out why what they did was wrong and then remember not o do it again so it can be them basically repeating back the words you want to hear (they also isolate the child which can cause them to get stressed out which, again, isn’t optimal for learning! Have a look at cuddle corners instead 😊).

Have a look at Aha Parenting and Janet Lansbury. As with any type of parenting, there will be purists who say you must to XYZ. Chose your own path and parent how you want. Maybe also have a read of this Phillips Perry Book. Parenting doesn’t need to involve lots of shouting!

I think most families probably do a mix of things that are a bit more gentle and a bit more 'traditional'/'strict'...it depends on individual children's personalities and family circumstances.

I've always been very gentle around sleep as DS1 has the occasional night terror and random night time growing pains (I used to get them too so I'm sure he's not exaggerating). He's 4 but if he wakes in the night he's always allowed in bed with us/one of us gets in bed with him.
Otoh I use the 'thinking step' and tell him to count to 20 and calm down on a fairly regular basis as he is very boisterous and I don't want him breaking things/himself/his brother.

I think it's a bit of a fad tbh. I joined their Facebook group for a short while and the behaviour described within it was absolutely atrocious. So you'd get four year olds intentionally peeing on the sofa or repeatedly punching their baby/toddler siblings. The response was always an excuse that explained the kid's behaviour as normal and a suggestion to maintain firm boundaries, but- as you say- no suggestions about how to do this. I came to the conclusion that it might work for an only child, but there really seemed to be big issues with more than one. And no one who claimed it worked for them actually seemed to be following it as written.

Janet lansbury /RIE is better IME. Gentle parenting is very conflict avoidant and that isn't helpful if what you're looking for is how to uphold boundaries while still being respectful of your child's feelings and autonomy.

Have a look at her podcasts and blog.

Sometimes you have to just parent the child you are given without the help of a book. My first DD responded very well to the more gentler aspects of parenting and could comprehend why her actions were unsuitable from a young age. My second has much poorer communication skills and a shout is needed if she runs away or puts herself in dangerous situations. Honestly though I am human and sometimes I shout because I am tired, frustrated or just plain pissed off.
Slapping is never ever acceptable.
Children need to hear the word no. I taught a child last year who the mother proudly told me she practised gentle parenting and his behaviour was excellent. Transpires it was excellent because in 5 years he had never heard the word no and I didn't have time in a class of 30 to explain why slapping another child wasn't the way to get the toy you wanted multiple times a day.

I think it's all a pile of faddy bollocks. Discipline and boundaries help children to understand right from wrong and how to behave. If my child is naughty - they'll be out in time out or have privileges removed.

I praise them and say they're clever, funny, engaging etc but I'll also tell them when I'm angry or disappointed. Now they can usually tell me which of their actions has made me feel that way to avoid redoing the same thing.

Gentle parenting breeds entitled little shits.

I find the parents in the groups who follow Sarah OS to the letter have the worst sleepers and the worst behaved children. My DS was constantly being hit over the head at playgroup by one such child. The mum just did her best to justify the behaviour in some way, but that didn't help DS who was hurt and upset. Luckily she left the group before she was asked to leave.
All very well having a lack of discipline at home but I wonder what happens when these kids enter school/nursery settings.

I think a lot of people of this thread don’t understand gentle parenting.

Children who pee on sofas/kicks/slap etc isn’t a result of gentle parenting, it’s poor parenting.

We still have many boundaries in our house that are respected whilst also practising gentle parenting

OP, many views on here will negatively portray gentle parenting when that isn’t the case in practice

I don't shout. I had a very shouty childhood and it wasn't great. But we do do timeouts and find them effective. We try not to use them very often - maybe twice a week with our 3 year old.

I like the How to talk so kids will listen books as well and find a lot of strategies from them work well

I found the gentle parenting Facebook groups unbearable to be honest. And the people in them extremely judgemental, smug and not at all gentle themselves! It also seemed like a recipe for having a child in charge and in your bed until they are 9. Which is fine if you are happy with that but it the general chat seemed very much focused on the mum sacrificing all mental health and if you weren't prepared to do that then you're not putting your child first. I agree that some of the behaviour described was shocking!

I second the Janet Lansbury approach, it just seemed to fit more with what my natural approach would be but with more actual practical advice.

I just don’t understand why anybody would read a parenting book. Just do what feels right to you.

I would say that I do gentle parenting most of the time with DD. For me, that means being really aware of our emotions, and how this affects our behaviours. And recognising that all behaviour, whether positive or negative, is an attempt to communicate. However we deal with a situation, we try to maintain our DD's right to dignity.

Having grown up in a household where there was lots of shouting and unrelated consequences, I know what this can do to a person's self-esteem and mental health. I don't get it right all of the time, because I have my own issues around anger, but I feel confident that I am breaking the cycle.

My DD is almost 4 and is very kind, empathetic, good at talking about her feelings and quietly confident.

Two books I have read on this subject that made sense were "Raising our children, Raising ourselves" and "How to talk so children will listen, How to listen so children will talk".

Basically its about treating your children how you would like them to treat you and others. Modelling good behaviour rather than just talking about it.

Those old chestnuts of 'do unto others' and 'actions speak louder than words' put into parenting action. Obviously the only way to practice this with babies and toddlers is attachment parenting principles (within reason & mothers sanity!). But ultimately the end goal is to raise children with healthy attachments, self motivation and self esteem & confidence.

I think if you just show your child respect and have consistent boundaries and let them feel secure then you cant do much wrong. My son has never realy been naughty, or acted out, and hes had his grandad die and me and his dad split up and he has not been affected at all by it. He knows I'm always going to look after him and listen to him and he trusts what I say so I dont realy have to tell him off ever. Hes a good kid.

@StylishMummy

I think it's all a pile of faddy bollocks. Discipline and boundaries help children to understand right from wrong and how to behave. If my child is naughty - they'll be out in time out or have privileges removed.

I praise them and say they're clever, funny, engaging etc but I'll also tell them when I'm angry or disappointed. Now they can usually tell me which of their actions has made me feel that way to avoid redoing the same thing.

Gentle parenting breeds entitled little shits.

But you’ve just described what “gentle parenting” should be! If children are deliberately peeing on sofas or hitting children or generally behaving appallingly then that’s just shit parenting, nothing gentle about it!

Anyone who excuses bad behaviour and says they practice gentle parenting by way of explanation is just being permissive. GP involves boundaries and discipline and explaining what emotions are and telling them why you’re angry at what they’ve done. It does not mean you don’t say no to them for 5 years or let them get away with anti social behaviour.

Even the phrase " gentle parenting" makes me cringe. A mum who used this had a very compliant child anyway. Would not work on my fiesty young madam.

It is possible to have very firm boundaries and still not rely heavily on punishment or withdrawing of privileges. My parents kept 4 quite high-spirited children under control (I think we were generally considered very well behaved), but with minimal shouting and quite infrequent punishments. Don't quite know how they did it, being naturally impressive probably helped (both experienced schoolteachers), very clear about expectations, happy to distract a younger child or lighten the mood for an older child but never gave in to tantrums. Not at all afraid to say no, but if they could get the same result by saying something more pleasant (why don't you come and help me with the shopping), then they would.
Quite clear that they would stop us from hurting each other or damaging property: I can just remember being lifted away from a potential scene of carnage. I don't know if there was a punishment as such: I think the important thing was that I learnt that I could never get away with it. The punishments we had were mainly for behaving dangerously and irresponsibly: a child who crossed the road or walked beyond permitted boundaries would be brought straight in and not allowed out for the rest of the day.

On the rare occasions where they had been wrong they would apologise. Once we got old enough, careful to involve us in discussions- we felt we had a stake in the family. Did lots of things together, including outdoors adventures which I think was good for bonding and developing sense of responsibility. Let us do things like cooking and DIY from an early age which helped to foster a sense of capability and consequent responsibility. Made it clear that they trusted us to behave responsibly (which also meant we knew they'd be disappointed if we didn't).