To ask if Gentle Parenting works or is it a fad?

[Overthinker1988]

I'm a member of a few FB groups about baby wearing and alternatives to sleep training, which led me to Sarah Ockwell-Smith and her "gentle parenting" methods.
It sounded appealing, because when my baby gets older I want to avoid the kind of parenting I got as a child (lots of shouting, smacking and stress all round).
But after reading her book I'm confused. She says boundaries should be enforced but doesn't actually say how to do that, other than vague advice to "communicate" with your child.
Ok but what if they just refuse to do what you say? Time outs and removal of privileges are banned, so what then?
Praise and rewards are also bad apparently. So instead of saying "well done" you should say "I bet you're proud of doing XYZ". I'm not sure I'd ever speak like that, seems a bit robotic.
It seems that gentle parenting is becoming more and more popular though. Is anybody here doing it, and does it work? Or do you think it's just the latest trend?

My parents didn't hit us and rarely shouted. My mum was a lot firmer and I'm glad of that. My father's approach was so kind but bordered on lazy tbh.

I found out later (from her) that he didn't like her being that bit harder with her higher expectations for behaviour and they argued about our upbringing! He did make a point of saying to me as an adult that he thought my mum had done a great job with us all.

His wider family have some quite dysfunctional branches and I link it to some lackadaisical parenting not any authoritarian style I have seen blamed by learned opinion! But then I'm bound to be biased..

They both brought me up by example to be thoughtful of others and neither were ridiculous in their expectations of children.

But the steel was definitely there with my mum! Now I had issues with her as a teen..but I also think that has led to a healthy adult relationship. Taking the longer view.

But Gin

What do you do when they want to play with the ball but it's time for school run? You can't say "let's take the ball outside". Its school run. Basically they cannot have what they want right now (I always offered later and it wasnt acceptable to 2 yr old DS). They need to learn mummy & daddy/teachers are in charge and that they must do as they are told and that that means sometimes often not getting what they want, or doing things they simply do not want to do.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I explain exactly that "now it's time for school, we'll play ball afterwards"
Don't get me wrong it's not all hearts and flowers and plain sailing, and in the beginning I spent ages explaining everything over and over again, it tested my patience and just saying "because I said so now come on!" would have been quicker and simpler, but now many years on, each of these interactions is quick and simple and she knows the expectations on her, she knows if she gets ready quickly she can have a quick kick about (although she's the least sporty kid so more a quick play with Lego) before school.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland also with a two year old I would incorporate the game some how with school run, (can't think how right now because a) I'm long since past two year old imagination and b) she never liked playing with balls )

I’ve definitely noticed the people I know that say they’re doing gentle parenting aren’t really doing so, they’re more parenting without any boundaries or discipline whatsoever which in turn makes their kids unholy terrors.

I’m not sure how I would feel about proper gentle parenting because I’ve never witnessed it.

I don’t think I do see children as equal in all things. I see them as individuals to be respected, but as the adult, I decide that she can’t have chocolate cake for breakfast, that we are leaving at 8am and that there will not be the funds for the cinema this week.

I expect my child to at least try the food I serve, and I don’t ever serve a whole meal I know she won’t like at all. I give a choice of meals (over the week when planning shopping, not multiple options on one night!) but she makes a choice from options I offer her. I decide the options.

I think it’s a shame the phrase gentle parenting has been hijacked by w group of irresponsible parents who can’t control their kid’s behaviours.

I do not describe myself as a gentle parent, but we rarely ever shout except for danger, I’ve never used a naughty step or a time out.

I subscribe to the slightly more straight forward version of parenting, where you treat children in a similar way to puppies (bear with me!!) .....

Clear boundaries and then expecting good behaviour from the start, not preempting poor behaviour which then seems self fulfilling.

Lots of outdoor exercise and mental stimulation.

Good quality food at regular (not precise!) times.

Strong bedtime routine and good healthy sleep habits.

Allowing the child to make age appropriate decisions around activities etc.

This has worked for us. Children who play well in fresh air eat well and sleep well. If they are tired at bedtime and hungry at food time we find less trouble brews in those departments.

Genuine flexibility and a bit of free rein when it’s safe has lead to more compliance when I do need to them to come in/get dressed.

Gin do you just have 1 child?

It doesnt really work when 1st child throws a tantrum because they want to play with the ball now and you cant spend 20 minutes gently calming them down/explaining, because the 1 year old is trying to remove all their clothes and needs your attention too etc...

2155User

Great post. Thank you.

I tried to copy a friend's very gentle style of parenting at one point because it seemed so lovely. Tbh her kid was very gentle too.

The more I tried with mine the more I felt I was getting an ulcer.

Like certain colours what suits one doesn't necessarily suit another.

Ps gin I did do the incorporating games etc but it reached a point where he would not ever do what I asked just on my asking it. He expected a game, a lot of negotiation, 3 choices. I value obedience and gentle parenting doesn't seem to require that a child ever do as they are told, without a fuss, when its something they dont like. My relationship with DS is much calmer and happier for us both now that I can trust him to do as I've asked. He will question things but I can convey with a warning tone of voice that something is not negotiable.

I agree with @Bbang - I think many parents successfully and instinctively employ a version of gentle parenting without realising it’s a “thing” or calling it that (explaining when appropriate, lots of praise, positive alternatives etc.)

However those parents who actively purport to be “gentle parenting” are usually “not parenting at all.” I have not witnessed any good outcomes of this style unfortunately, not one. This is purely a personal viewpoint after 23 years of being a parent and a teacher though.

I think this idea of “If you don’t put your shoes on we don’t go out” is fine until you have to go out. Children need to know that adults lead the way and set the schedule, but you can do that without shouting or being a dictator, and you can acknowledge their feelings when they sometimes have to do something they don’t choose to do.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland yes she's an only so I can't really comment about with siblings but I have friends who parent the same as I do and they have more than one child. I'm not for a moment saying it's easy, it's not but to me, it's worth it.

I'm with @BalanchineBallet - there are many similarities between raising children and puppies!

I think I'm probably a 'gentle' parent, or I certainly try to be. When I was a teacher, I could count on one hand the number of times I shouted but I would raise my voice to be heard - the difference, in my view, is how much you are in control of your actions/reactions. Anger from a teacher/parent nearly always escalates a situation. The same as others, I calm down my DD before addressing her behaviour - it's pretty basic science that they can't learn while super-stressed.

We've spent a lot of time talking about/naming emotions so even when I'm saying 'no' (and I do say no) it's "I know it's really frustrating when you want to do X but you can't". Just because it's reasonable to me, doesn't mean it's reasonable to her. She doesn't understand the big picture/my role as an adult so her frustration and upset are completely reasonable (if, in turn, frustrating for me!). Empathy and boundaries are not incompatible.

I also try to find the choice within a non-choice - "would you like to climb into your car seat yourself or shall I lift you in?" Ie, you are getting in your car seat! But you can choose the manner of getting there. It gives enough agency that it often heads off resistance and really makes no odds to me. It's also good for her to practise making choices as the reins loosen over time. She's reasonably easy-going and I have no idea if she would always have been that way or not - she certainly wasn't as a baby!

I agree completely with @2155User . Our style is the same as yours. It may not work for all people but it does for us.

It really works - with one DC. I was the most respectful, calm mum ever when I just had DD1 to contend with. It really showed in her behaviour. It's much more difficult with multiple DC. Mostly because my patience has worn thin and I'm chronically sleep deprived so it makes conscious parenting much more difficult and I tend to default to what I heard growing up - shouty "stop being naughty!" exasperation. This also really shows in their behaviour which has gone down the pan altogether since lockdown when I essentially lost the will to parent altogether. Modeling is everything IME.

"How to talk so children will listen, How to listen so children will talk".

This was the book that made a great deal of sense to me (my kids are 21 and 11).
At first you do feel a bit of dick saying "I can see you've got one shoe on, that's great, I'll help you with the other" rather than "PLEASE get BOTH your shoes on, we need to go" or "look at the smile on the sheep you drew" rather than "great pic", but when you see it works (you get out of the door, the pride in your child's face) it makes sense to do it that way.

The key is acknowledging feelings. Theirs and yours.

I'm another who agrees in principle.

I think when a young person isn't complying to requests they are trying to communicate something. Punishments don't teach understanding they teach compliance. Compliance needs to be understood.

So I agree above with poster who said not removing tech for hitting. But remove tech because they are using it and not doing homework.
But rather than get cross and shout ask child why. Explain to them what's important. Why it's important. Why you are removing tech and how they can earn it back.

Having said that if I need to shout at my ds I will do. For example doing something dangerous he's been told not to.

Shouting works when they don't hear it continuously.

I wouldn't use it as a whole concept as the book says but certainly subscribe to the general theory.

On the whole, I followed a lot of the gentle parenting techniques of other people.

As many pp have already said it is often not so much about the enforcement as about the manner. If you turn a situation into win-win, that is not inferior to win-lose.

But I was also very aware that the child I was parenting wasn't the only person in the world who needed to be taken into consideration and that other children or adults didn't get the same benefits as I did into investing extra time on my child. As others have pointed out, if you've got more than one child, the other child is likely to be inconvenienced and disadvantaged if you e.g. need to spend a few months teaching their sibling to exit the house swiftly. It is very likely that the child who is late for school or loses his place on the football team in consequence will resent their sibling.

Even if you do only have one child, chances are other people you interact with will be inconvenienced and resentful instead. If you are late for school, then that will impact on the whole class. The other children waiting for their turn on the park swing will certainly feel hard done by (and rightly so!) if yours has to be trained slowly and gently over weeks to get off and give others a turn. If you can't get your child away at the end of a playdate, the hosting child may well be begging his mum not to invite yours again. .

So yes to win-win, as long as we remember it's not just about parent and child.

I grew up with shouty/smacking parents and spent a lot of my childhood feeling anxious or angry (at them). Unfortunately I didn’t realise there were other ways to parents (apart from the smacking- I knew that was wrong) until my children had been here for a few years. I’ve massively changed how I parent and although I’ve never read any “gentle parenting” stuff and don’t really know what it involves but I definitely consider myself to be a far more gentle parent than I was before and it’s made such a difference to my DCs behaviour and our relationship. I never shout now. I rarely need to even be firm as it just never gets to the point where they become defiant. When I compare it to how they were behaving a few years ago they’re like different children. And I’m a different person too. I’m not constantly annoyed with them or worried about their behaviour. Or trying to calm myself after a row. IMO gentle is the way to go.

I don't do the gentle parenting but follow a therapeutic parenting style....

You can have boundaries, rules and guidelines but be therapeutic and not shout/slap etc. Slapping and hitting is abuse... !

I think I was on a whole a 'gentle parent' but I didn't/wouldn't call it that! I do think parenting is a bit of a pick and mix. I also dont know if DD would have turned out the same if I had patented any other way. I never shouted and like a pp would give options like 'do you want to get in your car seat yourself or shall I lift you up?'. .y
My DD is 16 now and we have a really good relationship, and she was always a really well behaved child (ASD so wonder if that made her more compliant?) BUT my Dsis has 2 DC (I have an only), and it works with one and not the other. My niece would respond to the earlier question with 'none, I'm not sitting in it'. It also has caused issues as she was not getting invited to parties due to poor behaviour, my Dsis has had to become much more firmer with her and do time outs, etc.

I do think some parents say they are gentle parents and that means not parenting at all which doesn't help. Especially when they do not modify their approach regardless of their DCs behaviour.

I think some elements of gentle parenting are good, I agree with explaining the natural consequences of actions and explaining why the DC should do a certain thing for example rather than just telling them what to do. But I do think some parents need a dose of common sense with it - I know a few very vocal gentle parents whose children's behaviour is just atrocious, and gentle parenting is used as an excuse for violence to the parents and siblings and an overall lack of boundaries.

Personally I aim for calm parenting, explaining things, taking their views into account where possible, but I am the adult in charge and they do need to follow our daily routine and understand that some things aren't optional, and if either of my children is violent or does something dangerous (that they know they shouldn't do) it's straight into a time out! I do explain what they did wrong afterwards.

I dont know why people are linking enforcing discipline/occasionally punishing with shouting and hitting.

We don't fucking hit our kids! We take away pudding/TV choices, defer/cancel nice things that had been planned, or we send to timeout for age appropriate length of time.

When I take my son to playdates I'm always astonished at how other children constantly wont do as their parents ask without a fight/argument/negotiation. Perhaps I have an especially high threshold for what I consider good behaviour.

It is doable with 2 kids. I only have 2 so I can't comment on doing it with more, but definitely doable with 2. As long as the 'other' child is safe, they can cope without direct input for a few minutes.

@Trashtara

What about where the child that needs talking to doing it for attention? And more specifically to get attention over the other sibling?

Sounds great. If I slap my brother, my brother has to go and play by myself, and mum spends 20vminutes talking to me about why hitting makes her sad. Which I already know, but now I've got mum all to myself and got rid of the annoying sibling in one go...