To ask if Gentle Parenting works or is it a fad?

[Overthinker1988]

I'm a member of a few FB groups about baby wearing and alternatives to sleep training, which led me to Sarah Ockwell-Smith and her "gentle parenting" methods.
It sounded appealing, because when my baby gets older I want to avoid the kind of parenting I got as a child (lots of shouting, smacking and stress all round).
But after reading her book I'm confused. She says boundaries should be enforced but doesn't actually say how to do that, other than vague advice to "communicate" with your child.
Ok but what if they just refuse to do what you say? Time outs and removal of privileges are banned, so what then?
Praise and rewards are also bad apparently. So instead of saying "well done" you should say "I bet you're proud of doing XYZ". I'm not sure I'd ever speak like that, seems a bit robotic.
It seems that gentle parenting is becoming more and more popular though. Is anybody here doing it, and does it work? Or do you think it's just the latest trend?

I think it works well only for some children and if you only have 1 child. And lots of time.

However you can adapt some of the ideology into ordinary parenting.

As long as the 'other' child is safe, they can cope without direct input for a few minutes.

What about when it makes the "other" child late for school? What about when they miss an activity they had really been looking forward to?

Also what Babyboomtastic said. It is difficult enough to be the sibling of the dramatic and time-consuming child as it is, without getting the message that the bar is as low as "as long as they're safe".

corythatwas did I say that I let them be late for school? Or miss activities. Of course I don't, what a ridiculous assumption to make. It is perfectly possible to gentle parent and get everyone out of the house on time.

The thing with the other child is, if they are naturally more compliant or quieter, they can end up being pretty much sidelined for most of their childhood whilst their sibling makes most of the decisions (go to the park or swimming, stay in or go out) and gets most of the attention.

Babyboomtastic in that incidence you describe, I would go over to the hurt child first, give them positive attention and talk to them about their feelings on the matter whilst ignoring the child who had done wrong. I would then go an discuss the behaviour with the other child, and longer term look in to what was causing them to act up for attention.

Gentle parenting isn't about how you handle each individual issue, it is about your longer term goals for your kids and working in a consistent way which over time reduces the number of incidences you have to deal with. It isn't a quick fix, it is a long term strategy that is more that behaviour management.

Porcupineinwaiting I'm sure that does happen at times, but gentle parenting should be about more than managing behaviour and is definitely about ensuring all of your childrens needs are met. It requires an understanding of the impact of 'sidelining' and being the more compliant child and how that can manifest later on in other ways. It isn't about the right here and now, it is also about longer term parenting.

I naturally lean toward gentle parenting and don't hit or shame my kids. I have realistic expectations for their ages, abilities and the situation. I prefer natural consequences as these make linking with the cause easier. Eg DS2 refused to come away from the edge of a (safe and shallow) pond and ended up falling in. It was cold and people laughed. He's never repeated it. Not sure that cancelling a trip to the seaside 4 days later or smacking would have had the same effect. But some people on groups can be very extreme about it or don't see other people's experience. A lot of them (though not all by any means) may not admit it, or even realise but they are coming at it from a position of privilege. It's easy to spot who is a SAHM to one NT, reasonably compliant preschooler, living a life of small holding and forest school vs town centre working mum with 2 different school runs, sulky teens and a 9am start with a demanding boss. We don't all have time for a 45 minute negotiation about which shoes to put on or kids that are happy making mud pies in the garden all day. And that's why different approaches work for different people.

I just don’t understand why anybody would read a parenting book. Just do what feels right to you

Because I admit that I'm imperfect and I want to raise my kids as best as possible.

It's not actually difficult to understand is it?

If I slap my brother, my brother has to go and play by myself, and mum spends 20vminutes talking to me about why hitting makes her sad.

This is what we had. And the "need" my son was communicating was to have mummy's full attention all to himself, like before his sibling was born. And hes never going to get that lol! The gentle approach gave him just what he wanted - it forced us to spend more time focusing on him not his sister. It wasnt fair and actually wasnt teaching him to share our attention with her. We were giving him plenty of one on one quality time but he wanted it all, and that was not reasonable. Children have to learn to hear no, and to bear disappointment.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned (I think) is the need for both parents to be on board. This is important for any parenting 'style' of course, but particularly for gentle parenting. I have one pal who is gentle (maybe verging on a wee bit crunchy) with a father who is not naturally inclined to parent that way and it's taken a hell of a lot of work to get them both on the same page. You can still see that it doesn't always work, which really confuses their child. It's just not fair to have two different approaches.

@Trashtara

So whilst you are dealing with the hurt child, your other child goes off and plays, clamours for your attention further by climbing on you, misbehaves further. You come back to them and perhaps they don't want to leave their game/toys to talk about feelings with you. Now you've got two issues to deal with. Let's add another couple of minutes in to that. Whilst you are then talking to the hitter, the child that's 'entertaining themselves' has decided to pull all of the books off the bookshelf and is jumping on them (for example, or insert other annoying toddler behaviour here). You've finished your talk on feelings, and now have to tidy up the carnage that the other child caused in the meantime.

I'm not sure I'd ever leave the house!!
Kids definitely need 1:1 time with parents, but in a regular day, most parents have to parent both children at the same time (and cook and clean etc) not each sequentially - and I'm not sure how the techniques you use achieve that.

I think it's also assuming a pretty compliant child, and a degree of logic in young children that isn't quite there yet.

I think a lot of these comments highlight the problems if you religiously follow a style of parenting (badly) or do it by the book. Oh, and give the FB groups a wide birth as they are pish!

Your example of not getting ready for bed is the exact same as having a chat about why hitting someone isn’t nice. Child was asked to do something, they ignored the request, there was no consequence for not complying, child does what it wanted and parent hasn’t got the child to do what they wanted them to so has no authority. If you were used to being shouted at when you misbehaved, then that would be the behaviour you were programmed to go for as you weren’t getting the warm, fuzzy stuff. Negative attention from a parent is still attention which is what children need.

Reverse engineer what you want to happen. If getting in the car is a non-negotiable then don’t create the situation where you’re threatening not going if they don’t do X. ALWAYS follow through! If they refuse to get in the car then they get the choice of doing it themselves or you will do it for them. Give them the time and space to process the situation (it’s usually about 30 seconds) and decide what they want to do. It’s about guiding their behaviour to do what you want them to all the while giving them some sense of control. If you get into a fight with a toddler you’ll probably lose. Think about what you want them to do. Are you going to physically make them eat? Wrestle them in the hall to get their shoes on? Manage the situation so they are given choices that end up in them complying whatever they choose.

I have 5 year old twins and have done parenting that aligns with GP for most of the time. I haven’t read a book or anything (but am in an awesome FB of other multiple GP parents 😬), but I do find GP/Janet Lansbury solutions for certain behaviours. In 5 years we didn’t go out 1 time because they were messing around and not getting ready. Other than that, they pretty much do as they’re asked when they’re asked to. They’re both very strong-willed and couldn’t really be described as naturally compliant but they are well behaved. I’ll explain to them what I expect from them and do a lot of “If you do X then Y will happen” and I always do Y! If they do muck around and get sanctioned, I will give them the chance to do the correct behaviour which they always do. I shout when I’m angry and they’ve pushed my buttons, but I apologise and explain why I was so cross. They don’t get endless chances to behave and talked to at length about making good choices (I’d get bored, nevermind them). They know how they are expected to behave and they do it. They will also come apologise (and actually be apologetic rather than just parroting “Sorry”!) if they’ve done something they shouldn’t, they play brilliantly together, are helpful, courteous and have amazing empathy. I couldn’t have coped with the early years with being a shouty mum.

Work out what you want as the end result then find ways to make that happen.

I think it depends on your child, really, and your own personality. DD is stubborn and responds well to a gentle approach to instructions- she will dig her heels in if you bark instructions at her or force her to do things, but will happily go along with things if you make them fun, or model them (eg I’ll go and start brushing my teeth and she’ll come and brush hers too), or just give her a bit of space to decide she wants to do it. Broadly speaking we use “natural consequences” for things (you throw this, you can’t be trusted with it anymore) but I put her in time out if she hits/kicks/bites, mostly because it helps me keep my sanity!

Basically, I think you just need to be flexible and pick out bits that suit you and your child.

Agree with a pp who said it assumes a fairly compliant child. Among friends and family I've only seen it really work with only ones & girls, for some reason.

@Babyboomtastic looking after the hurt child doesn’t take that long. If a child is clambering on you for your attention you say to them “Please get down. I don’t want to be climbed on” and if they don’t get down you lift them off. No point in going back to the hitter after the event to have an in-depth analysis of their behaviour, a quick “We don’t hit” at the time and removal to a safe distance should do it. If you pull all the books off the shelf, depending on age, you have to either put them all back or help put them away before doing the cool, fun stuff. If you continue to jump on books when you’ve been told not to then then the books get put away and you don’t have access to them. Spending hours talking about feelings with toddlers is completely pointless. My two didn’t get daily 1:1 time (still don’t) and they haven’t suffered for it.

DS1 is the opposite of compliant, and a lot of the techniques worked zith him! He is, by nature, a strong-willed, argumentative drama llama. Shouting, punishing, etc would just have led to a constant drama between us and I really didn't want to have that relationship with my boy. Some of the techniques worked really well: distraction rather than shouting / telling off, giving choices rather than issuing instructions to be followed, natural consequences but in a kind way (don't want to wear your coat when it's snowing? Fair enough, let's go and I'll just stick this coat in my bag...). the key principles for me were no smacking, minimal shouting (I'm only human), being very consistent and always ALWAYS following through - not by making threats, but on the consequences of certain actions and on the boundaries beyond which he was simply not allowed to go. Safety was a major one: "My job is to keep you safe while we are in the park. If you are going to keep putting yourself in danger by doing XYZ, we will have to go home" - for us that was the consequence. It's different from "I told you not to do that! Do that one more time and you are going straight home!" which practically dares them to do it.

It worked well with him. He's still a strong-willed, argumentative drama llama of a teenager now ;-) We clash, but I'm glad that we have such a solid history of talking, discussing, working things out and coming to a compromise - rather than me just issuing instructions / rules and punishing him when he doesn't keep to them.

OTOH I have a friend who also uses what she called gentle parenting with her kids. They are a fucking nightmare, they ignore her, smack other children, run away and deliberately trip up their baby sister. She talks to them in a baby voice and says "please don't do that sweetie" about a million times, but never follows up on anything or enforces a single boundary! I had to stop hanging out with them, it was too stressful.

OP, my favourite is by Erica Reischer and is called, 'What Great Parents Do: 75 simple strategies for raising fantastic kids'. It has the more sensible GP ideas (naming emotions etc) but also gives practical strategies for dealing with parenting challenges with examples. I've found the methods quite effective with my two year old.

@JizzPigeon22

I just don’t understand why anybody would read a parenting book. Just do what feels right to you.

Because some people had very poor parents themselves, and are determined not to repeat those patterns. If you’ve not seen good parenting modelled by your own parents, you don’t have a format to follow and could easily go to the other extreme.

I hate the term gentle parenting, like the opposite is violent parenting 😂😂

Is this the same as attachment parenting, hate that term too.

I wouldn't describe mine as compliant, she's knows her own mind firmly, which is why I think this works better for us. Instructions and demands generally caused conflict. Discussion, empathy, natural consequences and compromise (on all sides) works better for her personality.

What are compliant dc? Well behaved? Understand there are reasons why they need to follow rules? Could that be the result of parenting?
My dc are independent and know their own minds too and this kind of parenting has worked well for our family, despite having more than one dc.
They don’t always stick to the rules but I can trust that there will be a reason why.

What are compliant dc? Well behaved? Understand there are reasons why they need to follow rules? Could that be the result of parenting?

Compliant means "inclined to agree with others or obey rules".

I think it's perfectly possible for this to be a character trait, to some extent. I have one DC that needs to be told 10 times to do some things, and another who happily does what you ask of them the first time. Both were parented the exact same way.

My child is naturally compliant so a gentle approach works well. I ask her nicely and generally she goes along with me. I explain why certain things are necessary. Sometimes I have to give her the look. I only once had to say “do it again and we will go home.” We went home that day mid fun and she still remembers.

I don’t shout. I don’t need to. On the odd occasion I offer choices. “Tidy your room and we can go out and do X nice thing or choose not to and stay home and I’ll go read my book for an hour.” She’s 9 now and these days she just knows that if she doesn’t cooperate she ends up missing out.

I’d say start early with enforceable consequences. Don’t argue with your kids. Tell them what will happen for good behaviour (and make it clear what that behaviour is). Tell them what happens for bad behaviour - boring things. Make sure bad behaviour is met with tedium.

To be fair it doesn’t work the same way for my autistic niece or my demand avoidant nephew. It does work ok for a friends kid. I guess it’s not an appropriate for all children.