To ask if Gentle Parenting works or is it a fad?

[Overthinker1988]

I'm a member of a few FB groups about baby wearing and alternatives to sleep training, which led me to Sarah Ockwell-Smith and her "gentle parenting" methods.
It sounded appealing, because when my baby gets older I want to avoid the kind of parenting I got as a child (lots of shouting, smacking and stress all round).
But after reading her book I'm confused. She says boundaries should be enforced but doesn't actually say how to do that, other than vague advice to "communicate" with your child.
Ok but what if they just refuse to do what you say? Time outs and removal of privileges are banned, so what then?
Praise and rewards are also bad apparently. So instead of saying "well done" you should say "I bet you're proud of doing XYZ". I'm not sure I'd ever speak like that, seems a bit robotic.
It seems that gentle parenting is becoming more and more popular though. Is anybody here doing it, and does it work? Or do you think it's just the latest trend?

Most of what she posts is applicable to toddlers. Like 90%+. So you can really just jump in, or use the topic labels on the right hand side of the site.

As a childminder every child I have met who is gentle parenting their children really struggle with rules - god knows how they get on at school .

That said I don’t shout , explain why it’s a no. For example one minded child desperate to hug another who doesn’t want a hug . It is important to me children are taught unwanted contact is not ok . So child wasn’t told off but it was explained.

In reality generally an eclectic approach generally works best .

I suppose my style of parenting might have been called "gentle parenting" as I didn't shout at DD, smack her or punish her. I just made sure that she understood boundaries.

TBH I really dislike labelling parenting styles. "Baby wearing" and "gentle parenting" are such irritating terms IMO, and don't really mean anything to most people.

I’m in awe at all the parents here who have never shouted at their children.

Not even when said child was a toddler and insisted on running off into the bushes 500 times during your walk in the park which should take 30
Mins but has taken that just to get a 1/4 of the way?

Even when you’ve tried the calm talking, the persuasive approach, the threats (quiet voice) of them having to get back in the pram if they don’t stay on the path....

What do you do then? I definitely shouted in this situation -
Not in his face or anything, I’m not a monster, but in his direction as he was pegging it into the bushes

@pandarific Oh ok, I see what you mean. Yes, if it's outright boundary testing for the sake of it, I'd also do something like what @BertieBotts said - say if throwing stones, if they don't stop when told I'd move them (or the stones/plant whatever) away so they can't do it anymore, and say "You seem to have a hard time stopping this even though you know we don't do this", but stay calm and firm - (trying to) not get worked up myself.

@Boom45

I've not read the book you refer to but I've never shouted at my children, I dont think it works in the long term. I reward (usually just with praise) good behaviour and generally try to work out what the cause of bad behaviour is. It's worked for us, but we are in a fortunate position - both my children are neuro typical and they go to supportive school, I have a close family who love the children and we have no major money worries. We both work full time but our weekends are free to spend lots of quality time with the kids and we're both around to put the children to bed each evening and we are in a happy and supportive marriage. All those factors raise content, loved children which makes "gentle" parenting far easier.

I fully agree with this and would say that this is how our household works too - so many factors influence a calm household.

I've never once shouted at my children! I don't find it hard not to shout to be honest. Even though I wouldn't say I find parenting easy, on the whole.

@MandosHatHair

I find the parents in the groups who follow Sarah OS to the letter have the worst sleepers and the worst behaved children. My DS was constantly being hit over the head at playgroup by one such child. The mum just did her best to justify the behaviour in some way, but that didn't help DS who was hurt and upset. Luckily she left the group before she was asked to leave. All very well having a lack of discipline at home but I wonder what happens when these kids enter school/nursery settings.

This.

No need to "punish" the behaviour or see the child as "naughty" because of something like this, as clearly boundary testing is part of growing up, and the child likely actually has a hard time resisting the urge to do it because of their lack of impulse control.

I've never once shouted at my children! I don't find it hard not to shout to be honest

That's good. Some people do find it hard though.

Also a book recommendation with practical tips is no drama discipline. Again much more hands on and helpful than gentle parenting rubbish and doesn't waste loads of time going on about how everyone else is shit because they do XYZ.

@2020iscancelled

I’m in awe at all the parents here who have never shouted at their children.

Not even when said child was a toddler and insisted on running off into the bushes 500 times during your walk in the park which should take 30
Mins but has taken that just to get a 1/4 of the way?

Even when you’ve tried the calm talking, the persuasive approach, the threats (quiet voice) of them having to get back in the pram if they don’t stay on the path....

What do you do then? I definitely shouted in this situation -
Not in his face or anything, I’m not a monster, but in his direction as he was pegging it into the bushes

I totally would and have shouted in that situation, but if you've told them they have to go in the buggy, why aren't they in the buggy? Then you wouldn't need to shout (theoretically!)

That's good. Some people do find it hard though.

Ok. I wasn't being smug, I did follow it by saying that I don't find parenting easy overall, but you chose to cut that bit out of your quote.

@Overthinker1988, my two dcs are now teenagers (well behaved, well adjusted, reasonable yada yada).

I didn’t know that sort of parenting is called ‘gentle parenting’ but this is what I did (and what my mu did too).
You dint need punishment and rewards. I simply asked once, then a second time and then took the child by the hand to do whatever it was I asked for.
When they were little I redirected a lot (think, no we don’t hit the dog, we are gently giving him a caress . Now shall we read a book?’)
But a NO was a NO. If I had said NO to something once, I have never moved away from it. Basically I’d there was a boundary, then it stayed (which also means I had to think carefully as what sort of boundaries I wanted to enforce)

Oh and last thing, @pandarific the book that many PP have suggested is good for this too - How to talk so little kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. It says a useful phrase is 'Even though you know...'. It's empathetic and highlights the child is generally competent, while still enforcing the boundary. "Even though you know we don't throw stones because they can hurt people/damage things, you don't seem to be able to stop yourself right now, so we'd better go back inside."
Much different from seeing the throwing as indication of the child being "a little shit" (not that you said that!!! just paraphrasing PP), and communicating that to the child, who will then actually grow up feeling as if they are 'bad'.

@BertieBotts In my mind this is perfectly in the spirit of gentle parenting - no idea why you think it doesn't feature in it? It would be very un-gentle, as in not helpful or respectful, not to help your child deal with their natural boundary pushing stage.

@2020iscancelled I think most gentle parents will say they still shout occasionally, I try hard not to, but I'm human and sometimes it all gets too much. I'm sure in that situation I would probably have shouted. That is my reserve STOP situation. She knows if I shout STOP, she's in danger and she's to stop immediately. We talk about it repeatedly and use it very very occasionally.

Try 'The Wholebrain Child.' It actually explains how kid's brains work and what actually will and wont be effective.

I like Ockwell Smith (generally). Not everything perhaps works in practise, but I think as a general rule if you treat your kids with love and support instead of trying to force them into routines that are unnatural and potentially unkind, you will create more healthy and well-rounded individuals.

We didn't have time outs or punishments or much shouting (my dd age 18 asked me "why did we never get grounded?" like she had missed a rite of passage) but we had no problem removing them from situations, tellling them they were acting like complete pills, putting them/sending them to their rooms if being obnoxious etc. My parents never really punished either. I wouldn't have called that gentle parenting though - more parenting that suited our personalities and, luckily, suited our children too. And like others have said we had neurotypical children and not much stress in our lives and both pulled our weight and have similar styles of parenting.

I do think children feel far more comfortable knowing that their parents are in control. So no point in repeating "please John get in the bath, you need a bath, please" over and over. I think most kids who are refusing something essential respond better to "get in the bath - it isn't a choice, you can choose which bubble bath you want though".

I still dont quite get it.

So you ask once or twice and gently take the child by the hand. Which paints a beautiful picture, but what surely happens is child screams 'noooo' and goes boneless, (because if they were willing to be quietly led, you wouldn't have the issue place) and you'd end up dragging them, or forcing them into the buggy kicking and screaming. Or do you just sit there for an hour until they decide they want to comply?

Forcing a child into a buggy kicking and screaming sounds far less gentle IMO than a myriad of other approaches. It sounds the very opposite of gentle, no matter how calmly you explain to the child why...

I use lots and lots of choices. Bath isn't negotiable but choosing what colour your water is, is.

Teeth brushing isn't optional but you have a choice of three toothpastes.

Hand or reigns.

All within the boundary of you will be doing x but allowing them the control of the details that really don't matter to me

@Babyboomtastic

Well, to begin with I wouldn’t ask. Because I knew Ds1 would say no, so what’s the point? I’d open with a 5 minute warning. Then I’d distract him with a challenge (“I don’t think you can reach as high as this branch, can you? oh wow you can!”) and then a positive reason for getting home ASAP (“ hey look Baby Jake starts in ten minutes, we’d better get a move on if we’re going to be home in time!”) or Spell out the usual routine for getting in the buggy (“hmm, you need tiger doudou, and do you think you need a blanket? The red blanket? Or just the blue one?”) and then keep on chatting and distracting (“can you remember how many birds we counted in the park?”)

It’s possible ds1 gave in just to shut me up ;-) but you get the idea. It’s probably much harder work than forcing a screaming wain into a buggy and marching off.

It’s easy to be fair, consistent, kind and have boundaries and rules.

Take a look at Laura Markham and A-ha parenting website. It's the same 'peaceful' parenting but loads of practical advice for all ages. At it's heart is that you as the parent need to self-regulate (hard!) and set clear limits (also hard!) but its effective. She also is really clear about the differences and pitfalls of other types of parenting e.g authoritarian (child behaves but doesn't learn how to make decisions, can leave them vunerable or even rebellious later among other issues) and permissive (no limits, child doesn't know how to behave and equally doesn't feel safe without limits). It's good stuff and very useful especially if you weren't raised that way.

@miimblemomble

Would not work on my three year old, but maybe would for a easily persuaded or complaint child.

Believe me, I try choices, distractions, making things a game, time warnings, sometimes one week with, but more often than not it won't. Maybe it would have when are was try, but in full threenager mode I'm more likely to get an eye roll followed by 'your choices are red blanket or blue blanket but I choose neither because I'm not getting in the buggy.'

We were very similar to Miiblemomble.

Remembering now we would also say "I'm counting to five and then you better be in the buggy" We never got to five. We had no idea what we'd do at five either :)

I did once say to my 2.5 year old (hated getting dressed) "ok well if you don't get dressed I will simply put you in the car and bring you into daycare in your underpants" and there was a terrible moment when I could see her imagining her triumphant arrival at daycare and the accolades of the other toddlers and my destruction .... but she veered off at the last minute.