To ask if Gentle Parenting works or is it a fad?

[Overthinker1988]

I'm a member of a few FB groups about baby wearing and alternatives to sleep training, which led me to Sarah Ockwell-Smith and her "gentle parenting" methods.
It sounded appealing, because when my baby gets older I want to avoid the kind of parenting I got as a child (lots of shouting, smacking and stress all round).
But after reading her book I'm confused. She says boundaries should be enforced but doesn't actually say how to do that, other than vague advice to "communicate" with your child.
Ok but what if they just refuse to do what you say? Time outs and removal of privileges are banned, so what then?
Praise and rewards are also bad apparently. So instead of saying "well done" you should say "I bet you're proud of doing XYZ". I'm not sure I'd ever speak like that, seems a bit robotic.
It seems that gentle parenting is becoming more and more popular though. Is anybody here doing it, and does it work? Or do you think it's just the latest trend?

I have always been of the opinion that if you need a manual to parent then you're trying too hard.

@Wolfgirrl

I have always been of the opinion that if you need a manual to parent then you're trying too hard.

Or maybe trying to improve. Or find ways to manage things you struggle with. Or learning about how other people do thing. Or general interest. Or trying something new.

I find your opinion quite narrow.

The best book I got was Three in a Bed AFTER I'd been co-sleeping for ages (but not yet having the belief in myself that it was the right thing). It told me I was doing it exactly right!

*For example 21 month old can be quite defiant. We're not shouty or authoritarian and communicate a huge amount with him, always make sure to explain things very very well, give him lots of notice of what's happening next... but he will do things like - he knows he is not supposed to hit either of us. He knows it is wrong, we have read the 'hands are not for hitting' book 100 times, we have explained and explained it hurts, it's wrong, we don't do it, gentle hands etc. But it's not aggression as such - he will look at us, get a gleam in his eye and do it, specifically to get that reaction, to see what we'll do. And before anyone says its attention seeking, I can be sitting on the rug with him, playing blocks, absolute quality 1:1 time and he does it.

So.... how do we handle that then? Seriously, I would love a book or method recommendation please, because it's not very useful when it's just 'oh, try to understand why your child is frustrated/feeling aggressive' when that's not the issue, I 100% believe it's a boundary testing thing. Sorry for the derail op, but - help!*

In the hitting scenario remember you've got six words to communicate directly with a toddler. I'd say "I don't like it when you hit me!" then pick them up physically and put them somewhere away from you (this gives them a shock factor and makes them take notice). Then when walking away, "If you hit I will not play with you." Then when they cry (they will cry) say "are you sorry?" When they say sorry or whatever you can go back, hug them, say "its alright, no more hitting" and start playing again.

You do need to show them that you are confident, that you're in control, and that you can assert yourself over them if you need to. They'll run rings around you otherwise - and ultimately, being the strong one makes them secure.

You have a manual for a hoover. Not a child. We are taught children are all different, a blanket approach seems ridiculous. And not at all natural/instinctive.

trying too hard at being a parent? Is that an actual criticism or a compliment?

Would you also say "anyone who takes any parenting advice is trying too hard" not everyone has people in their lives who can give them good advice. Some people benefit from reading a book. My mother gave me the best advice I had for the early years "just sing and talk to babies all the time". The best advice about teens came from a. that book Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex To the Mall (US version) and b. from many friends with teens who said "everyone has something to deal with"

I cannot imagine thinking I knew it all about being a parent and not wanting to take advice or information on rearing my children from people who have been there and yeah, that includes books.

Oh ffs, I needed a manual when I had my first. I had no fecking ‘instinct’. After much research I used Baby Whisperer and it saved my sanity And seemed a nice balance between hippy and CIO. But by age 18 months I was really winging it.

We don’t smack, but we are pretty tight on discipline. Bedtimes, behaviours, Chores, limits on screen time (until lock down).

Kids are now age 10 and 8 and pretty decently behaved compared to some others we know. They aren’t perfect, and frankly I don’t want them to be, where is the fun in that?

they are cheeky little sods to us and make me belly laugh, but they are incredibly polite to random people and get good school reports, so we did ok.

Do yourself a favour throw away all these nonsense books and trust yourself and what is right for your child

It’s another marketing term made up by publishers with a set of guidelines that some you might already do

These books pander on our insecurities on being the best parent we can

I sometimes shout at ds I sometimes lose my cool, I sometimes give in for a quiet life, sometimes the boundaries haven’t been that rigid but most the time we are fine no better than that we are good as most of us are trust yourself

though a reference book for health/development I think is useful it’s factual

I found some "manuals" really opened my eyes to new ways of thinking about raising children. The biggest effect came from a book about positive psychology from Martin Seligman about optimistic children. I looked to a book because of the depression suffered by my two of my kids' grandparents that I did not want to pass on through the generations if I could help it!

And I do think I had a pretty ok to good upbringing. But I wanted some fresh input.

I don’t do gentle parenting as such, but I don’t should or do time outs.

I do natural followed by logical consequences.

So I have previously taken my son to soft play where he threw a ball at a child, he was removed from the ball pool and he was told if he threw another ball at someone then we would be leaving. He did, and we left. He quickly learnt that actions, have consequences and he never did that again.

@Wolfgirrl It's not about having a 'manual', more about understanding children, their development (eg brain development), which helps me relate to my (of course individual) DD in a more understanding way. I've also really valued seeing perspectives on parenting that differ from the mainstream and hence from what I may have otherwise just taken for granted and regretted hugely later (see Unconditional Parenting for example, or learning that sleep training is portrayed as normal and necessary only in Western societies mainly because of the pressures of economic productivity, not anything to do with what children actually need. Things like that!).

@Babyboomtastic

I still dont quite get it.

So you ask once or twice and gently take the child by the hand. Which paints a beautiful picture, but what surely happens is child screams 'noooo' and goes boneless, (because if they were willing to be quietly led, you wouldn't have the issue place) and you'd end up dragging them, or forcing them into the buggy kicking and screaming. Or do you just sit there for an hour until they decide they want to comply?

Forcing a child into a buggy kicking and screaming sounds far less gentle IMO than a myriad of other approaches. It sounds the very opposite of gentle, no matter how calmly you explain to the child why...

Nope I’ve never had that issue. When they were really little, I would just pick them up. I took them by the hand when they were older (maybe 4~6yo??). By that time, they knew very well that I meant what I said.

FWIW, I don’t think my dcs have been particularly placid. They were stubborn in their own way and could easily have refused to do anything for more than one hour if you let them..... (Ah memories....).

If dd is rude i find " get to your room" effective.

@Wolfgirrl

You have a manual for a hoover. Not a child. We are taught children are all different, a blanket approach seems ridiculous. And not at all natural/instinctive.

Parenting books are not manuals and most parents are fully aware a blanket approach does not work. There are literally hundreds of books with a multitude of ideas and suggestions for parenting.

If you are one of those people that don't want to parent the way you were brought up or do not feel the method you are using is working, they are a fantastic resource for new ideas on how to deal with situations.

Bleugh to silly catchphrases like “gentle” and “attachment” parenting.

We decided what approaches we wanted to take (luckily agreed on most things, though not everything) tried things, then changing our approach when it didn’t seem to be working. I sometimes got info and ideas from books, online, DH never did! Sometimes unsolicited ‘advice’ from parents etc.

I dislike and avoid discussing parenting with friends and family. Find it dull and a minefield.

For us, sleep was v tricky and secondary age DC1 who still dislikes going to bed! ‘Discipline’ has been OK with our DC, so far.

@Wolfgirrl

I have always been of the opinion that if you need a manual to parent then you're trying too hard.

I don't want to be rude but don't you have one quite young baby?

@Hardbackwriter I have a 1 year old.

So, with all due respect, your insistence that no one should need a book to help them with the toddler years is, erm, rather theoretical, then, isn't it?

You could say the same about the baby years, I never read manuals then and dont intend to going forwards

I dont mean books with general ideas, more parenting 'types' which take a blanket approach and are a bit silly.

Fine that you don't intend to but your comment was actually pretty nasty and intended to belittle others who have said they've used parenting books for issues they find tricky, so doing it on the basis of what you 'intend' to do is a bit much. I think we all have intentions before we get to certain stages of parenthood but we aren't all arrogant enough to assume we'll stick to them or that we can advise others on the basis of our intentions!

Well said @Hardbackwriter

@Hardbackwriter

Fine that you don't intend to but your comment was actually pretty nasty and intended to belittle others who have said they've used parenting books for issues they find tricky, so doing it on the basis of what you 'intend' to do is a bit much. I think we all have intentions before we get to certain stages of parenthood but we aren't all arrogant enough to assume we'll stick to them or that we can advise others on the basis of our intentions!

Agree, very well said - couldn't have put it better myself.

@Wolfgirrl, I suggest you come back in 15 years time and then comment on how useful parenting resources are.

God, all the people whose toddlers will get in the buggy happily. some of my friends have toddlers like this - I've seen it, I know it's real.

But mine is having a FANTASTIC time at the park/beach/playground, and despite many countdowns and reminders that we have to go in 10, 5, 2... still the boneless dead weight and the 'waaaaaah'. 😭 and at 21m he's the size of a lots of 2-3 year olds I know, so it's picking up quite a large heavy child. Sigh.

I mean it must be nice if you have one of the placid 'sit down on a picnic blanket on mummy's lap for 45 mins and eat your crackers' toddlers. I have a 'ooh ooh let's go over there and look at that mummy ooh ooh what's over there behind that tree mummy ooh ooh someone else's scooter'. Sigh.

I actually think that until you have 3 late-teen/ early20s children and are watching them cope with things like depression, difficult partners, financial challenges, gender identity, etc, you don't know what it is like to question things.

Were your instincts were 'good enough'? Perhaps you should have followed more of the received parenting advice? Did your parenting ideals and how you raised your kids had any impact on them at all?

With young kids:
Some problems resolve themselves and you just have to muddle along until things get better.

Having a good instinct with each child about when to let them save face and when to have a power struggle is very important.

Having sensitivity about when to gently ignore a child's problem, and when to make sure you get to the bottom of it (not minimising important clues to a child's inner life) is crucial and deserves our best attention.

In all of this, parents have to be true to their own natures, while also learning there are times when you have to struggle against your own natural tendencies for the good of your child.

We had 3 under 5.
We never had a parenting style or naughty steps. Just couldn't be bothered. We didnt smack but I've yelled at them plenty and they clearly were not scared because they often yelled back
If they woke in the night they climbed in our bed, we just bought a bigger bed!!

My feeling is that you cant spend 18 years pretending to be something you are not.
No way am I going to be following a script.
Just be yourselves and love them loads.

Ours are grown up now, still close to us and each other. They are nice caring people, one is a mental health nurse and one is a nurse. They say we were the best parents and that we got it right and theres still a lot of banter.