To ask if Gentle Parenting works or is it a fad?

[Overthinker1988]

I'm a member of a few FB groups about baby wearing and alternatives to sleep training, which led me to Sarah Ockwell-Smith and her "gentle parenting" methods.
It sounded appealing, because when my baby gets older I want to avoid the kind of parenting I got as a child (lots of shouting, smacking and stress all round).
But after reading her book I'm confused. She says boundaries should be enforced but doesn't actually say how to do that, other than vague advice to "communicate" with your child.
Ok but what if they just refuse to do what you say? Time outs and removal of privileges are banned, so what then?
Praise and rewards are also bad apparently. So instead of saying "well done" you should say "I bet you're proud of doing XYZ". I'm not sure I'd ever speak like that, seems a bit robotic.
It seems that gentle parenting is becoming more and more popular though. Is anybody here doing it, and does it work? Or do you think it's just the latest trend?

I think I would be considered a gentle parent, but I don't use that term as I think it is often used by permissive parents to justify their lack of boundaries and disciple.

I do try and look at the reason behind the behaviour. And I don't go straight to time outs or punishment - instead I remove DS from the situation (even if that's just sitting him on my knee) and give him a cuddle, we talk about feelings, about why he has behaved the way he has, why that isn't right. I give him chance to think about what we've talked about. I empathise - the phrase "it's really sad when we can't do xyz and we want to" comes out a lot.

It's really important to understand what is age appropriate behaviour, and at what point kids are able to self-restrain, self-manage. Boundaries are also really important - make it clear what you expect, BEFORE you expect it. I don't get outwardly annoyed at behaviour which DS is unlikely to know is wrong - touching stuff he shouldn't climbing on stuff he shouldn't etc unless I have told him about it before hand. And I don't punish (at all really) but I certainly don't punish age appropriate, unbounded behaviours. I discipline, I don't punish. I follow through with things we have discussed and I really watch DS to see when he is overwhelmed, when behaviour is likely to start to escalate etc and do my best to head it off before it starts - removing him from the situation, cuddles and distraction etc.

I don't see myself any different from most parents, and I think most parents that 'actively parent' (as opposed to reactively) do very similar things.

My parents were reactive parents, particularly my mum and I really didn't want to be that kind of parent.

I don't think the kids understand the explaining.

I think aligning yourself with one specific type of parenting isn't ideal - your child will differ from every other child in about a million ways and you have to work with the child you have. Parenting types are more like a buffet - you choose the bits you like and use those.

They're not afraid of me, they don't get smacked and I don't rule with a fist of iron or any of that mad 1950's nonsense. I talk to them openly and directly as and when it's needed - I have high expectations of them and we are generally a happy, calm family. They misbehave occasionally and instead of going ballistic we focus on how we can fix things - that "I'm pissed off that you did x, but will help you learn how to sort it out and not make that mistake again" attitude seems to work well for them.

I will say, though, the number one thing I would say to any parent who asked for a tip is to take an interest in their hobbies. Not excessively, but every so often DS14 will get up at 5am on a Saturday and ask if I want to go fishing with him. Obviously I don't; I've zero interest in sitting by a lake watching flies zoom about, but for as long as he asks, I'll go when I can, because that's when we have our best conversations. Likewise when DS9 asks me to go on a bike ride, I can think of 400 things more fun but I go because giving them my undivided attention doing something they love makes a huge difference to them. That's the best tip I ever read in a parenting book and it's worked well for us.

I consider myself a gentle parent. I avoid the word no unless for emergencies and I don't do rewards and punishment at all. We use discussion and other ways to guide her. We have boundaries but they are gently enforced. I wasn't always gentle. But I hated that the time I had with DD was spent battling her and thought there must be another way, so I started to parent the way I wanted to rather than how "people" told me I should. Then I started to read more things from gentle parenting websites and they resonated with me and I learnt more and developed more. DD is now 8, and (mostly) she's a good kid, who knows her boundaries, although will push them and so we discuss and consider if those boundaries need to be adjusted. It works for us and makes us a happier house.

@ScrapThatThen

I don't think the kids understand the explaining.

That's not the point of it though. The point is that you make explaining social interactions a habit and in time they learn. My 18 month does not understand it, but she will in time.

I'd much rather my kids grow up understanding WHY you don't do something, and make the choice not to do it because of that reason than they don't do something because they are scared or worried about my reaction or the potential punishment. My 4yo is definitely getting it.

Yesterday DS was playing up. I removed him from the situation, explained why we don't behave that way and kept him with me to calm down. We then went home. About an hour after the incident, he came up to me and said "I'm sorry I was messing about mum, that wasn't very nice and x wont want to do y with me if I do that will she".

Sarah Ockwell Smith is self professed expert who misrepresents studies. She is also a practising honeopath but hides the fact nowadays
Lot of what she says is complete nonsense

Thanks for the replies so far, some interesting views and I'll have a look at the suggested books.
To those who asked why anyone would parent from a book...I guess I don't really have good parenting role models so am looking for ideas as a FTM.
I think my parents meant well and I knew I was loved but their methods were utterly ineffective.
For examples, I'd be asked to do something simple, like "put your pyjamas on". I'd refuse, then my mum would say it more firmly, I'd still refuse, she'd then plead and try to reason...I'd still refuse and start trantruming, then she'd lose her temper and shout/smack. The whole evening would then descend into chaos and she'd eventually give up and let me do what I want.
According to Ockwell-Smith, that kind of behaviour is a child expressing "big feelings" which should be validated. But looking back, the simple fact is that I was stubborn, enjoyed winding up my mum and getting a reaction. I also knew she'd eventually give in, so tantruming paid off.
I guess it would be karma if my DD ended up like I was as a child! But I want to avoid that kind of scenario.

@ScrapThatThen

I don't think the kids understand the explaining.

I strongly disagree. I think DC can understand human emotions from a fairly young age and the more you talk, the more it gets embedded and becomes part of their daily language.

Someone on here recently said that our job as parents is to take those huge, overwhelming emotions that children feel and can't process, and to break them down and feed them back to the child in manageable chunks that they can process. As a teacher and as a parent I think it's entirely true; when a child experiences huge emotions which we traditionally associate with negativity like anger, frustration, jealousy, rage, they don't necessarily understand the nuances of those emotions but they can understand their trusted adult guiding them through that so that the next time it comes, it doesn't overwhelm them in the same way. Acknowledging and validating feelings that DC have is a recognised way to help them define and understand their own emotions and the same is true of behaviour.

I think we forget how brilliant children really can be at recognising their own feelings when they're given the tools to help them do so, which has a knock-on effect of enabling them to make better choices in future.

@ginsparkles I'm glad you found a solution for your family. But how exactly do you enforce the boundaries?

The only problem I can see with gentle parenting is when you come across a little shit who’s parents do gentle parenting when their kid is being badly behaved/unkind to another child - then it’s cringe

My Dsis and BIL gentle parent and whilst I can see the benefits because there is less shouting their DC don’t listen to them and do whatever they want anyway. The older one age 5 has started having tantrums (didn’t before) to get what she wants and the youngest pays no attention to anyone. They are nice children but they are very demanding more than mine ever were and pretty much do what they like when they like and then my Dsis wonders why she feels completely frazzled all the time

I frame things as what I want her to do as opposed to what I don’t. Ie “please take the ball outside if you want to throw it”. If I have to give a negative, I always give a reason “please don’t run on the stairs, it’s dangerous”. When she was younger I would make it more fun “oooh that game looks great!! Let’s go outside and play it so we don’t break anything!” Basically as a pp said it’s about treating her as a person, with the same respect as I would give an adult. She’s part of our family team and we are all equal, she’s not less equal because she’s younger.

I don't disagree with gentle parenting when its done well. One of my friends has implemented it well and has a gorgeous little boy who understands boundries.

However (and I am aware this is anecdotal evidence) I have two others who followed it and had the worst behaved children ever - no attempt to stop one climbing all over my sofa when visiting, or hitting little sister around the head, apart from a 'don't do that' ever now and then. The other who could barely go out as she didn't trust her kids to behave and had to employ a mothers help although a SAHM to enable her to manage the behaviour.

This has led me to be sceptical.

As others have said there is a massive difference between shouting parenting by scaring and gentle parenting.

Read widely and combine what works for you as a family, we do use time out for example but its for all involved - I know I can get frustrated with some behaviours so putting some distance between us for a couple of minutes helps both parties calm down, I then go and have a chat about what has happened. Sometimes children also need to be able to remove themselves from a situation to help them calm down.

@FourPlasticRings Oh yes, the Fb groups...I had a look and as you say, lots of the parents there had out of control children. Apparently gentle parenting doesn't get instant results and the book says it can take years for it to work and that lots of the poor behaviour described is "developmentally normal", which seems a bit of a cop out. What are you meant to do in the meantime, if, say, your child is hitting the other children at nursery?
In saying that, there were some interesting concepts, like helping a child to name their emotions so they understand them better and explaining in simple language why they have to do something. I guess the bit I struggle with is the no discipline, because apparently it's damaging.

I think I’m probably a gentle parent - no smacking, no punishments, no guilt-tripping - although it’s not a phrase I’d use.

I really dislike the idea that a lot of parents have that your kid is your enemy, or trying to manipulate you, and has to be controlled.

Gentle parenting did not work on my stubborn DS. We tried until he was 3 but he doesnt give a shit if you talk to him! Gentle parenting does not work imho for situations where what is needed is obedience and you do not have time to be negotiating/giving choices.

Gentle parenting just taught my son he could get away with doing things with little consequence except more attention from his dad and I, especially when his little sister arrived.

We now carefully use time outs, natural consequences, reward charts and removal of privileges etc and his behaviour is much better.

Oh and genetics play a strong part - I was a little madam as a child with an answer for everything - Karma has dealt me a great hand - my daughter is a carbon copy - hence we need space to not blow up as we are so similar.

My dad will often just sit and smile knowingly whilst we are having moments!

I prefer the term respectful parenting and would echo a pp who said to look at Janet Lansbury as I think her approach is well balanced - treating the children appropriately and respectfully for their age while still be very clear and firm around boundaries etc.

I think you have to strike a balance and see what works for your family. I try to see my children as whole people rather than just children who need to be controlled to behave in a certain way. So if they’re misbehaving/having tantrums etc not just dismissing it as them being naughty and punishing them but trying to understand their point of view and what could have led us to that situation. I think firm boundaries are very good for children though and something they need to feel secure.

I’m not a “gentle parent” although I don’t believe in time outs and unrelated sanctions, but that’s more about my temperament and the fight against the ingrained reactions I have as a result of my childhood.

I have a lot of respect for gentle parenting done properly- I knew two particular families growing up who were “gentle parents” although I’m sure they didn’t call it that, but it was all quiet explanations about why behaviour wasn’t acceptable etc. And the kids on those two families were less obviously compliant than other kids, more likely to be rolling about the floor when they were supposed to be listening...but as adults? It’s no coincidence that every last one of them are the calmest, most thoughtful, urbane, pleasant people to be around. Respect for others was literally bred into them. There are definitely lessons to be learned from gentle parenting approaches!

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Yes, it seems to me that the people for whom gentle parenting work already have a naturally calm/compliant child. I hope mine grows up to be one of them, we will see!

Exactly Noodle - I know one family who have done it well and they have lovely kids. There’s another family and it’s just embarrassing/uncomfortable for anyone present when said child is trying to spear other kids with pitchforks etc and all that’s being said is “come on darling that’s really not kind is it” 😳

I have seen three children brought up with this method and it has not turned out okay at all. There are no consequences for bad behaviour, just "discussions" and as a result the children are awful to handle even at 10, 8 and 6. The eldest is sneaky, she lies and manipulates and talks her way out of trouble very easily because she is allowed to, middle child has only recently settled in school after major tantrums every single morning about not going, the youngest is violent all the time, towards siblings, parents and other adults and this "we don't hit people with toys now do we darling" does not work.
On my opinion, it's a cop out. My ds is 12 and his behaviour is excellent. He has clear boundaries and always has had, nothing has been stressful, I don't have to shout, I used the naughty step when he was a toddler (shock horror) and then spoke to him afterwards about why he was there because that is how it works, he got cuddles when having a tantrum until he calmed down, we have always talked, listened and respected but it doesn't mean that he isn't aware who the parent is.

I'm not a parent yet, but I am a Reception teacher and from the little I've read about Gentle Parenting it seems to be quite similar to the approach I take as a teacher. A few years ago I stopped doing 'time outs' (apart from certain extreme situations), and also stopped doing rewards like stickers. Instead is started to concentrate on just being reasonable with children and helping them to understand the real life consequences of their choices - e.g if you hurt that person they will be upset, if you make that mess you will need to fix it, if you share your toys then others will share with you. I found it instantly made my classroom a calmer, happier place and I very rarely need to raise my voice or issue threats. So often 'behaviour management' can turn into a game with really obscure rules from the children's perspective, and we end up massively overcomplicating things because we want to look powerful as adults.

When I am a parent I'm not really intending to follow any particular rule book, I'm a big believer in foll your instincts and doing what works for you. I'm certainly hoping that I'll be able to transfer some elements of my classroom practice though.

The kids being"equal / less equal" thing is interesting. My instinctive response is that, they are less equal and grown ups should get to make the decisions. But on reflection perhaps I don't really think that. As the kids have got older, I've given them much more say and they take age appropriate decisions. I've always been very clear that they live their own lives and things like GCSE , university choices, extra curricular activities are their choice. But I fundamentally disagree that an irrational toddler gets an equal say to me about the vast majority of day to day decisions or about what's important. That way absolute madness lies. when little kids are little kids they don't have the knowledge or experience to make good decisions about lots and lots of stuff. Ive seen my job as a parent to give them the life skills to lead a happy and successful life. To do this, as a bare minimum, they need to know what is and what is not appropriate behaviour and to keep themselves and others safe. Most of that is not negotiable.

I think the concept of using natural consequences to assert boundaries where possible does make the most sense; i.e child throws sand in playground, explain why we don't and if child does again simply remove child from playground (or just sand area if you really can't leave) and explain why you've had to, rather than shouting and labelling etc

Also that talking things through, listening and encouraging children to come up with solutions often resolves a situation quicker than getting frustrated (the book How to Talk so Kids Listen and How to Listen so Kids Talk is really helpful I think and works a bit on adults too) and also teaches children skills to resolve things themselves

But as others have said this will all come naturally to some and it's just parenting, and others will misunderstand and permissive parent. I just try my best to just be calm and consistent, set fair boundaries and model good behaviour but I'm sure I get it wrong at least half the time! Luckily DD is reasonably well behaved so far but I do think that's luck and personality far more than anything else and she's only 2 so who knows what will happen

I also agree though that Sarah Ockwell-Smith has limited credentials, is a self professed expert and asserts a lot of opinion as fact in a not always helpful way. I disagree with some of her advice on sleep (and my toddler is only just going into her own room/bed now, so I suppose that's pretty attachment style parenting if you wanted to label it) although I think some of the eating advice makes sense