Page 9 | To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

ineedamiracle2020 · 2020-08-05T07:37:44+00:00

Hi, My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue. She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything). My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will. I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

Mommabear20 · 05/08/2020 12:30

@ineedamiracle2020
I think you may be over reacting to her buying things a little bit.
However, I completely agree with you regarding the kind of relationship you want your child to have with her. I gave birth to my first (and my mums first grandchild) in June, and had a very awkward conversation with her about why he BF wouldn't be grandad to my baby. She seemed certain that he should be grandad or at the very least known to baby as uncle ????. But I wouldn't have been happy or comfortable with that so had to say something and I'm happy I did. She was upset at first but as my due date got closer and once baby was here she's over it and everyone is happy. We do still have the odd thing crop up that I need to put my foot down on in regards to him not being a grandparent (I send photos to all the grandparents, I don't to him, I have expressed to her I'm happy for him to see them but I personally won't be sending them) but as a parent you will know what is best for you and your family.
Good luck

DishingOutDone · 05/08/2020 12:33

Whenever a woman's ExH is introducing his girlfriend (a woman) of 3 months or whatever to the kids, and everyone piles on saying its far too soon, we need to link to this thread to show her just how wrong she is.

Or does the dispensation of caution and respect for your children not apply to ALL women, only lesbians?

SarahAndQuack · 05/08/2020 12:40

But it's totally different, @dishingout?

Why would it be the same?

AlphabetABC · 05/08/2020 12:48

Why is it different ?

SixesAndEights · 05/08/2020 12:57

@Boom45

When I was pregnant with my first I got loads of gifts from people I'd never met. My mum worked away and she was so excited about the first grandchild that her whole office knew about it and they all sent some lovely gifts. Your mum's new partner is probably just trying to make a good impression - she might be very nervous about meeting you all as she does symbolise a big change for your family. Personally, unless I had a very good reason to reject the gifts, I'd accept them with good grace. People love buying baby gifts and the hurt it could create in your family not accepting them would need to be worth it if you rejected them.

This in a nutshell.

BritInAus · 05/08/2020 12:58

@GabsAlot

2 months so they met during lockdown and she lives the other end of the country?

in that case i do think its a bit too much too soon-they hardly know each other

Ahh, but lesbian relationships move at a much faster rate than hetero ones. It’s kind of like human years vs dog years.

what’s the joke... what does a lesbian bring to the second date? A moving truck.

SarahAndQuack · 05/08/2020 13:01

@AlphabetABC

Why is it different ?

Because when a person introduces a new partner suddenly, a large part of the usual worry is that they've not considered it carefully, and they're doing it on a whim.

But we know the OP's mum isn't doing this on a whim, because although the OP says she has known her mum was gay for quite some time, and thinks some of her previous friendship with another woman may have been romantic, her mum has actually only just come out to her.

Therefore, she is obviously not doing things on a whim. It is also possible that she has been with this woman a bit longer than the few months she's mentioned to her children - she obviously doesn't always feel able to share her personal life immediately.

SarahAndQuack · 05/08/2020 13:02

(Incidentally, I know someone who has been quite 'quiet' about her new relationship - with a man - because most of her friends and family had got used to the fact that she had been in a lesbian relationship for her whole adult life. It works both ways - you naturally think a bit harder about revealing a relationship if that relationship goes hand in hand with changing people's perceptions of who you are.)

WendyHoused · 05/08/2020 13:05

OP, you've got a screaming case of PFB. Don't worry, it's not fatal.

All sorts of people will be buying gifts (if you're lucky). I got a knitted teddy from my in-laws' next door neighbour's elderly mum. Things from people who worked withg my Dad. The baby comes to the whole family, not just you, and they will all share excitement with people they know. Be pleased people are so happy for you.

YANBU to say "no photos of our baby on social media please" but emailing them to a friend? Much less your Mum's GF? Don't be daft.

Also, your partner is feeling "protective of your daughter." That's just odd. What is he worried about, that she might catch lesbianism?

Your Mum's GF is trying to make a good impression, is likely swept up with your Mum's excitement, and is trying to be thoughtful. Accept the gifts in the spirit they were given. Write a thank you note. Regardless of how long she's around, she's important to your Mum now and that's what matters.

Original poster

ineedamiracle2020 · 05/08/2020 13:10

@WendyHoused

OP, you've got a screaming case of PFB. Don't worry, it's not fatal.

All sorts of people will be buying gifts (if you're lucky). I got a knitted teddy from my in-laws' next door neighbour's elderly mum. Things from people who worked withg my Dad. The baby comes to the whole family, not just you, and they will all share excitement with people they know. Be pleased people are so happy for you.

YANBU to say "no photos of our baby on social media please" but emailing them to a friend? Much less your Mum's GF? Don't be daft.

Also, your partner is feeling "protective of your daughter." That's just odd. What is he worried about, that she might catch lesbianism?

Your Mum's GF is trying to make a good impression, is likely swept up with your Mum's excitement, and is trying to be thoughtful. Accept the gifts in the spirit they were given. Write a thank you note. Regardless of how long she's around, she's important to your Mum now and that's what matters.

Oh god the PFB thing again. No clue what it is but not expecting it to be nice.

I would assume you didn't read the whole thread based on your reply. Would suggest doing so since I've answered all of the questions in your response.

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Standrewsschool · 05/08/2020 13:11

Does seem a bit strange to buy your new partners daughter gifts for a baby, that isn’t due for six months, and you’ve never met the daughter. Maybe a one-off gift but not several.

I agree that she’s probably trying to impress your mum, or that she has got wrapped up in your mums excitement.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/08/2020 13:13

Maybe she's just a nice person who genuinely like shopping for baby things? I love an excuse to shop for a baby!

Flimflamfloogety · 05/08/2020 13:14

I'm not reading I to any of this as you having an issue with mums new partner being a woman. I'm just sending general wariness around a new partner in mums life. If the partner was male, I assume you'd still be wary about this new person in your lives?

And I completely understand that you might not want this person to be a big part of your child's life just yet, if you haven't even met her yet. Boyfriends and girlfriends are not always permanent, so I completely understand that you wouldn't want your child to build a bond with your mum's gf, only for them to break up in a few months/years. Until the relationship is more stable I think it's very sensible to maintain some boundaries.

Original poster

ineedamiracle2020 · 05/08/2020 13:16

@WendyHoused

OP, you've got a screaming case of PFB. Don't worry, it's not fatal.

All sorts of people will be buying gifts (if you're lucky). I got a knitted teddy from my in-laws' next door neighbour's elderly mum. Things from people who worked withg my Dad. The baby comes to the whole family, not just you, and they will all share excitement with people they know. Be pleased people are so happy for you.

YANBU to say "no photos of our baby on social media please" but emailing them to a friend? Much less your Mum's GF? Don't be daft.

Also, your partner is feeling "protective of your daughter." That's just odd. What is he worried about, that she might catch lesbianism?

Your Mum's GF is trying to make a good impression, is likely swept up with your Mum's excitement, and is trying to be thoughtful. Accept the gifts in the spirit they were given. Write a thank you note. Regardless of how long she's around, she's important to your Mum now and that's what matters.

It's also ridiculous for me to try to continually attempt to justify mine and my partners reasons for sharing photos through text or social media. I have no clue what happens to these photos when we click send, you hear all sorts of stories these day's. Of course when she's visiting I have no issues with her seeing pictures or meeting the baby (assuming they're still together)

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GrumpyHoonMain · 05/08/2020 13:19

Judging from the list you gave she has only bought you run of the mill shite people normally buy for babies they don’t know. It’s not normally stuff parents need to buy themselves as it’s usually gifted. The fact that you are putting so much importance on this instead of using the REST OF THE YEAR to get to know her suggests you believe your mum’s sexuality is only fine provided you don’t have to see her in a relationship.

LouiseTrees · 05/08/2020 13:21

We’ve had baby gifts through MIL from someone at her work I’ve never met. I don’t think it necessarily means she wants her gf to be called gran. But you could have a calm conversation that you feel uneasy accepting gifts from someone you’ve not met yet.

Original poster

ineedamiracle2020 · 05/08/2020 13:26

@GrumpyHoonMain

Judging from the list you gave she has only bought you run of the mill shite people normally buy for babies they don’t know. It’s not normally stuff parents need to buy themselves as it’s usually gifted. The fact that you are putting so much importance on this instead of using the REST OF THE YEAR to get to know her suggests you believe your mum’s sexuality is only fine provided you don’t have to see her in a relationship.

🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ please see below my comments on a) agreeing with people who think I was being unreasonable for being wary over the gifts b) advising everyone I spoke to my mum as I want to meet her next time she's up and c) the fact I've known my mum was (at the very least bisexual) for years.

OP posts:

KarenKarendson · 05/08/2020 13:27

so I'll be definitely having a conversation regarding no photo sending until I know her properly and have a relationship with her

InFiveMins · 05/08/2020 13:27

I don't say this to be unkind but I think you're overreacting and being quite cruel. She's just trying to be kind by buying things for your baby. By saying she won't be a gran like your mum will be pretty obvious but is still quite hurtful for you to say. I would accept the gifts and be grateful. why can't she be shown photos of the baby? Your mum is happy and it's your mum's relationship, by outcasting her girlfriend unnecessarily you will cause rifts.

InFiveMins · 05/08/2020 13:28

Also, your brother is 11 and old enough to understand what is going on between your mum and her partner. Not sure why you need to check in on him about it.

Original poster

ineedamiracle2020 · 05/08/2020 13:32

@InFiveMins

Also, your brother is 11 and old enough to understand what is going on between your mum and her partner. Not sure why you need to check in on him about it.

He's a child and it's a big change for him. I'm concerned about how bringing someone so new into his life will affect him. Not sure how you don't see how I would be concerned for him.

Regarding your other post please read the full thread for all of the answers to your questions

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aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2020 13:39

If it's any consolation, one of my daughter's favourite dolls was bought for her in somewhat similar circumstances. My grandad passed away last year but was alive to meet my DD. In the last few years of his life he had a partner that was, to put it mildly, a bit batshit. She was wildly jealous of my Grandad's family (which was a bit odd from a woman in her seventies) and tried to get him to cut us all off many times. She's not in our lives at all anymore and parted on terrible terms as she tried contesting his will and was furious it didn't all go to her. But that toy is just my DDs doll now. It really doesn't make any difference who bought it for her. When the baby is born and no longer just a (naturally very precious) concept, you really don't end up putting so much weight on who does/bought what.

laudete · 05/08/2020 13:40

It is somewhat weird that a shiny new girlfriend of only 2 months is buying very personal gifts like a memory box. I also think maybe there's some conflict with feeling disloyal to your mom's ex-girlfriend, whom you say is like a second mom to you, and feeling forced into immediate "closeness" with your mom's new girlfriend, whom you don't really know yet and is basically a stranger.

Tbh, I wouldn't say anything to your mom (it's not going to change her new relationship euphoria) but YANBU to feel weird about it. If the relationship lasts, it will progress naturally. It's not like the girlfriend lives around the corner; you can discretely bin/donate any OTT gifts. Deal with things at your own pace and focus on enjoying your pregnancy and baby plans. Not much you can do about your little brother; it's on your mom to be responsible about how involved her girlfriend is in her younger children's lives. FWIW, I think 2 months is too soon to introduce a new girlfriend to young children but maybe this relationship will turn out to be "the one".

vikingwife · 05/08/2020 13:40

PFB stands for “Precious First Born” syndrome.

I really doubt your mum’s GF expects or wants to be called “grandma”

Leflic · 05/08/2020 13:40

I wouldn’t like it either. She’s obviously not doing it for you but for your mums benefit.
People have said you should expect random gifts, which is true to a point.I had some gifts from friends of parents I hadn’t met but they were all hand knitted or crafted. The senders liked the opportunity to use their hobby as much as anything.
That’s not the same as buying presents for someone you’ve never met.It’s also not the same coming from someone who’s going to be important in the family one way or another. Meet each other and bring a gift and send them afterwards. Gifts first is pointless and try hard.