To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

[quote 2155User]@ineedamiracle2020

You can’t pick and choose responses and opinions that you like. Life doesn’t work that way.[/quote]
You're response was questioning me personally. You don't get to attack me without expecting a response back. I have accepted everyone's judgements here because that's what I have asked for. I have not asked for a comment on who I am.

sure, but who's to say she isn't considering them?

Well the OP did when she said,

It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration

A few presents for a baby aren’t a big thing. It’s more about what it could mean. Someone trying to overly involve themselves too quickly. All relationships are better if they build a bit slower and are not forced.

@QueenOfPain

How does your Mum feel about you wanting to keep her ex girlfriend in such a central role in your lives? Have they parted on good terms? How long ago? Still friends?

I don't think she'd be very happy about it, but she really is like a second mum to me so it's non negotiable. It wasn't on good terms however I don't want to paint my mum out to be a bad person!

I agree it's the newness of the relationship that's an issue, the genders are irrelevant. Plus with it being an LDR it is even more likely that this person won't be around for long.

Have your younger siblings met the new partner at all?

@ineedamiracle2020

Well your response has just confirmed exactly what I said

My XH's gf did this to my kids before having met them. It is really weird and smacks of desperation and trying to buy affection at best. At worst, it felt a bit like grooming to me with my kids.

I can see that the intention might be pure, but it just is a bit creepy. I have never bought anything for my DP's daughters (they are now adults) because I have never met them despite being with him for years and getting married. It would just be odd if I did.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I agree it's the newness of the relationship that's an issue, the genders are irrelevant. Plus with it being an LDR it is even more likely that this person won't be around for long.

Have your younger siblings met the new partner at all?

Yeah they've met her, my sister also said that they've planned for her to bring her children up this month or next to meet my mums family. It's a good chance to meet her then, but again it's a very big step.

The OP said it 'seems like,' @BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze, and she is asking for opinions. I think it is pretty clear the mum must be putting some consideration in (even if she is not getting everything right), or she'd never have worried about coming out at all.

@ineedamiracle2020, I wonder if your mum's girlfriend is trying to compensate because she sees you're still close to your mum's ex/friend? I do understand why someone you've known for a decade (and perhaps who was around when you were still in your teens?) would be a close emotional bond you wouldn't want to lose. I guess I just also think that relationships are never as simple as they look on the outside.

Honestly, if I were in this situation, I'd focus down on the baby and try to stay breezily out of your mum's life. You don't like the gifts? Ignore them. You feel ambivalent about your mum's new partner? You're busy, it's ok.

I think the stage when you're waiting for a first baby is so hard because all you can do, really, is prepare and wait and think about how things are going to be, and sometimes it can feel as if you have to be making important, long-term decisions about who's going to be in the baby's life and what role they will have. But you really don't. There's loads of time after the baby's born for things to evolve naturally (even if your mum is trying to speed things up).

[quote 2155User]@ineedamiracle2020

Well your response has just confirmed exactly what I said[/quote]
Thanks for your input. Have a nice day.

I think you just don’t know about gay relationship cliches.

The cliche is for gay men, when unencumbered by women will be immediately having wild rampant sex

The cliche for gay women is when unencumbered by men to get serious, quick - like let’s move in now & get a joint bank account! Also the cliche of “lesbian bed death” which is a joke about lesbians in sexless relationships.

So what may seem like a new fledgling relationship to you may not feel this way for your mum.

Also let’s be real that women buying presents is a cliche norm in relationships - as in the men don’t buy gifts, it’s left up to women to do. Women buying other women baby gifts is part of the “sisterhood” - some women just love buying gifts & an excuse to buy baby things! I imagine this lesbian didn’t have kids herself? It’s just fun to gift people things, am sure she meant it to be thoughtful.

Now, you’re living far away & lockdown, so I can imagine even more importance being placed on sending care packages.

I hazard a guess that if you didn’t have any close or keen friends / family, you’d be sat here making a thread all upset about how nobody cares about your pregnancy & wishing someone would make a fuss over you. What is the alternative? Nobody sends you any gifts? You wouldn’t like that, I’m sure...Just accept the gifts with good grace “oh that’s thoughtful, you didn’t need to send that” is all that’s required.

Now as for not allowing your mother to show a photo of her new grand baby to anybody - this is being precious to the extreme. Most people will just smile & nod politely - all babies look the same & nobody is going to take more than a passing look.

With your control over the photos I think you really do need to take a step back & think about what your issue is. Back in my day we used to keep photos of family / loved one in your wallet to show people. I’m not sure what harm is caused by your mum excitedly showing photos of her granddaughter to people ?

But there will indeed be harm caused if you make this into a big deal and tell her she is not allowed to even show a photo to anybody. You will sound unhinged.

personally I don't think there's any justification for adults being upset by other people's relationships. You should have the maturity to know it's nothing to do with you and be happy for them.

This is the OPs mum, not a random friend. I think it's perfectly reasonable to need time to adjust to a parent being in a new relationship and the change of dynamics that often brings.

My parents are divorced and while I was happy for them to meet new people who made them happy and I was always polite and welcoming, it was still bloody weird! It's disconcerting to see your parent play "house" with someone new and they often act different too so it can all be a bit awkward initially. OP has a right to any feelings she has about her mother's relationship - it's a perfectly natural human response.

Some people just like to get things for new babies!

It is what we used to call "cupboard love" - that people buy things hoping to make you like them. However it is probably well meant. Just thank them but do see if you can arrange a meeting at some point and you might want to check her out in case she is going to fleece your mother - try vetting her, checking her on the internet etc

@withaspongeandarustyspanner

My XH's gf did this to my kids before having met them. It is really weird and smacks of desperation and trying to buy affection at best. At worst, it felt a bit like grooming to me with my kids.

I can see that the intention might be pure, but it just is a bit creepy. I have never bought anything for my DP's daughters (they are now adults) because I have never met them despite being with him for years and getting married. It would just be odd if I did.

Not as odd as never having met your partners children after years together and getting married.

@vikingwife

I think you just don’t know about gay relationship cliches.

The cliche is for gay men, when unencumbered by women will be immediately having wild rampant sex

The cliche for gay women is when unencumbered by men to get serious, quick - like let’s move in now & get a joint bank account! Also the cliche of “lesbian bed death” which is a joke about lesbians in sexless relationships.

So what may seem like a new fledgling relationship to you may not feel this way for your mum.

Also let’s be real that women buying presents is a cliche norm in relationships - as in the men don’t buy gifts, it’s left up to women to do. Women buying other women baby gifts is part of the “sisterhood” - some women just love buying gifts & an excuse to buy baby things! I imagine this lesbian didn’t have kids herself? It’s just fun to gift people things, am sure she meant it to be thoughtful.

Now, you’re living far away & lockdown, so I can imagine even more importance being placed on sending care packages.

I hazard a guess that if you didn’t have any close or keen friends / family, you’d be sat here making a thread all upset about how nobody cares about your pregnancy & wishing someone would make a fuss over you. What is the alternative? Nobody sends you any gifts? You wouldn’t like that, I’m sure...Just accept the gifts with good grace “oh that’s thoughtful, you didn’t need to send that” is all that’s required.

Now as for not allowing your mother to show a photo of her new grand baby to anybody - this is being precious to the extreme. Most people will just smile & nod politely - all babies look the same & nobody is going to take more than a passing look.

With your control over the photos I think you really do need to take a step back & think about what your issue is. Back in my day we used to keep photos of family / loved one in your wallet to show people. I’m not sure what harm is caused by your mum excitedly showing photos of her granddaughter to people ?

But there will indeed be harm caused if you make this into a big deal and tell her she is not allowed to even show a photo to anybody. You will sound unhinged.

Thanks for this.

It's not showing the pictures it's sharing via text/ facebook etc. Just don't want pictures on my baby 'out there' but happy for her to see pictures when she's up ( and possibly meet the baby if all goes well)

has everyone missed the point they live nowhere near each other and its miostly over the phone

theres no need to start buying all these parents for a girlfriends daughter youve never met

Not as odd as never having met your partners children after years together and getting married.

I agree. Not my decision sadly.

Anyway, I found that XH really tried to force his new relationship on my children, telling them that they she would be really important in their lives only for the relationship to end after about 3 years. Maybe the more desperate to be accepted, the more gifts? Who knows.

A close work colleague of my mother's is always buying things for DS. Lovely things like puzzle sets and cute jumpers. I find it quite strange as she's never seen him (apart from the odd photo), but she enjoys doing it so I let it continue and try to send thank you cards/chocolates occasionally. My mum assures me that she can afford it. Early on, I asked my mother to tell her that DS was already very spoilt so please don't feel the need to if you don't want to etc etc...! But she has very good taste and doesn't have any GC of her own so I wouldn't dream of hurting her feelings by putting a stop to it! Even if I didn't like the presents, I'd probably say a polite thank you and dispose of them quietly. Some people just love buying things for babies and small children .

In your case, maybe make sure your mum's new partner isn't doing it out of a need to be accepted. Perhaps take the two of them out to lunch sometime? And then (being mercenary here ), if you don't like the presents, perhaps get your mum to drop a hint about the sorts of things you would prefer. Kids are expensive so take what help you can get!

@Colom as I said, I just don't think it's appropriate to act on those feelings when you're an adult. Children get a free pass for thinking their parents relationships are a personal slight to them and that their parents should be/not be with someone for their sake, but adults should know they have no right to have any say on other people's romantic relationship. Fine to have private feelings, but not to be openly rude as a result of those feelings, and very unreasonable to expect your parents to conduct their relationship differently for your sake.

I apologise, have misunderstood about the photos. Of course you don’t want people putting pics of your bubs up on social media ! Totally reasonable. I thought you didn’t want the new GF to see a photo of the baby at all. Sorry for getting my wires crossed.

Even though it's been a bag mixed results (and some not very nice comments thrown in) I'd just like to thank everyone for their brutal honesty. I need to get over the gift thing it's nice, even if it's not the way I'd expect things to be done/ do myself.

I'm never going to understand how it feels for both my mum and her new partner to be newly open and I just need to be there for her/them and even grow some and let my mum know that she needs to be careful with bringing her in too quickly- I'd hate for my siblings to get attached and then something goes wrong. Thanks again.

Good luck with it! And good luck for the baby.

@SarahAndQuack

Good luck with it! And good luck for the baby.

Thank you very much !

I kind of get where you are coming from OP. My mum left my dad after 36 years and ran off with a guy she met on the Internet. This was all around the time my first baby was born.

I’m not wild about the guy. They are married now and have been together about 10 years. It is what it is.

Anyway, he bought my baby various gifts, still does. It felt very odd. But he was trying to fit in, to show my mum he cared, and trying to show us he was serious about mum.

Ultimately, take the gifts, say thank you. You can stick them in a cupboard if they aren’t to your taste. The key is you maintain a relationship with your mum and don’t rock the boat over something silly.

Me and mum had a rocky few years, but we are back in a good place now. She did a lot of things that trashed my trust for quite a while, but she was going through a mid life crisis where everything just blew up. But ultimately she is a good person and I love her.

Take the gifts, meet the girlfriend if you feel comfortable. Your baby doesn’t need protected, they won’t care regardless of what happens.

You could pass it all on to a charity shop if it’s that big a problem.

When I had my first my parents friends who I haven’t seen in 20 years sent us presents.

Not sure how turning down gifts is protecting a baby?