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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

272 replies

ineedamiracle2020 · 05/08/2020 08:37

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

OP posts:
Caplin · 05/08/2020 11:27

Just to add, I think it can be harder for adult children to adjust to big changes. It was for me. Your younger siblings will probably take it in their stride. I had friends who came out when their kids were around 11/13, and this was before it was as acceptable to have gay parents. The kids were fine, grew up into lovely adults.

AlwaysLatte · 05/08/2020 11:28

Since your first sentence said she was gay, it reads that it IS the main issue, even if you don't think it is...

NoGinNotComingIn · 05/08/2020 11:29

Meh she's trying to be nice! When I had my first child my husband's dad's cousin's new-ish partner bought my baby things, she was being nice! I think I'd met her once in passing before my baby arrived. She's just a lovely woman who was being nice, she still buys our children Christmas presents, no weird ulterior motive.

I think the issue is your mum's new partner being a woman, even if it's subconscious. I don't understand the whole "being protective" thing, she's buying bits of gifts not attempting abduction. The thing is you might not want your child to have a relationship with this woman but if she ends up a permanent fixture in your mum's life she will be to some extent. The man my husband knew as his grandad was actually his gran's husband, not his grandad, he wasn't seen as gran's husband he was part of the family. I think they got married around when my husband was born. Your mum's relationship could get serious so you may have to eventually accept this woman into your life unless you want to push your mum away.

LemonTT · 05/08/2020 11:31

@AlwaysLatte

Since your first sentence said she was gay, it reads that it IS the main issue, even if you don't think it is...
I agree with this. The OP’s posts are really leaking problems with the concept of her mother being a lesbian, even though she insists she accepts it. It’s like claiming not to be racist because you know black people.

A lot of the OPs posts make me uncomfortable. They are quite dog whistle.

OverTheRainbow88 · 05/08/2020 11:34

OP may well have an issue with her mum being gay, if it’s new news, it would be a shock to anyone. I’m very liberal minded but if after 33 years my mum introduced me to her GF I would need time to think it over and get used to it

derxa · 05/08/2020 11:36

I just don't like the idea of someone I've never met buying things for my baby. MN is a world I'll never understand

vikingwife · 05/08/2020 11:37

I don’t think this means the OP is being homophobic, it’s a lot to take in! The OP says she is one of 10 children, so can imagine the last person you’d expect to be gay is a mum of 10.

Am wondering if I read that wrong also Confused

Jdhshekr · 05/08/2020 11:37

@OverTheRainbow88

OP may well have an issue with her mum being gay, if it’s new news, it would be a shock to anyone. I’m very liberal minded but if after 33 years my mum introduced me to her GF I would need time to think it over and get used to it
Agreed. I think it’s understandable for anyone to take a while to adapt to someone they had always presented as straight to come out as gay. It doesn’t make you homophobic. I’m a lesbian who came out at the age of 27 and it didn’t offend me that it took people a while to get their heads around it.
YoBeaches · 05/08/2020 11:37

I'm surprised actually at the number of posts telling you to get over it.

I would be quite shocked if as a grown woman my mum came out as gay and very quickly went into a relationship. I would accept it but it wouldn't happen over night.

I would feel weird if someone who I hadn't met was then buying things for my unborn baby. It's like trying to buy acceptance or friendship. It's child like.

I don't like it and I would tell them that I need time to get used to mum being in this relationship and need to get to know new partner. Leave the baby gifts until after the baby is born.

And that last request would be for everyone anyway.

Chocolateoo · 05/08/2020 11:49

Seems kind. She's a women too and it's quite common for women to love babies. She's probably trying to show your mum she wants to support her. You definitely should meet her.

My partner used to work in a big it company and there were women in the office department that did the wages etc. They were baby people and sent my daughter a hamper. It had a towel. A hair brush set. Some bibs from next. I think a toy too. Then a huge bunch of flowers for me. They had never met me. It was a lovely gesture. Then my neighbours that I don't spend time with but just chat in the street too shocked me with quite a nice gift. They got a set off money boxes (collectibles) for her. A beautiful outfit and blanket. Then they put money in her hands. I felt slightly awkward to want for a better word. But it was done through kindness.

I think you all should meet this women and you might find she's lovely. I do understand you must all be feeling abit allover the place about her being a lesbian suddenly. But thankfully times have changed now and it happens alot more
X

FrenchtoEnglish · 05/08/2020 11:53

I know what you mean. I had my DD with a sperm donor. , I met a man shortly afterwards. I've been with him ever since. Very early in the relationship, his family has photos of me and my DD in their house. It really wound me up. But, you have to think about the intention behind it. There's no malice in what my boyfriend's family is doing, but I don't want my DD calling him "dad" or his parents "grandma" or "granddad". because they're not. I want the boundaries to be very clear. We can all be really good friends and enjoy happy times together, but she's my DD. And that's the way it is.

Magnetfisher · 05/08/2020 11:55

Thing is - being a lesbian isn't new to your mum. Seems like she's known for a very long time, and for whatever reason ( probably because she has 10 kids) has kept it quiet. So she's way ahead of you with being comfortable with it.
You, on the other hand, have some way to go to get used to the idea and accept it, which IMHO is normal. ( I'm gay BTW) But I do think that you need to come to terms with the idea that you are feeling this way because of your mum's sexuality, not because the gf is doing anything odd or wrong.

Awkwarddough · 05/08/2020 11:58

My mum insists on buying my little boy presents, things he has, things we would never use, things we say we don't need etc. and they all stink of smoke, or come damaged and no matter how many times I try to say save your money, she still buys them. Now we just gratefully receive them knowing that its making her happy and donate most of them to the charity shop (we give them time for the smoke smell to wear off)

Maybe shes just trying to be nice, and feel part of your family

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2020 11:58

I would feel weird if someone who I hadn't met was then buying things for my unborn baby. It's like trying to buy acceptance or friendship. It's child like. I don't like it and I would tell them that I need time to get used to mum being in this relationship and need to get to know new partner. Leave the baby gifts until after the baby is born. And that last request would be for everyone anyway.

On the flipside, I think it is child like to assume someone has an ulterior motive behind giving someone a gift. I would also consider it child like to be so ungrateful about gifts that you would expect them and demand they come at a certain time.

Cornishclio · 05/08/2020 11:59

Considering the baby is not yet born I would not be too bothered about this. Your mum may not even be with this person in December. I personally did not like accepting gifts before the baby arrived so maybe ask your mum to hold on to them for the time being.

Bleepbloopblarp · 05/08/2020 12:02

You are not wrong to need time to get used to your mum coming out and the fact she suddenly has a gf fgs - what on earth is wrong with people on here? So long as you are civil and treat her with respect when you do meet her and take time to get to know her. You sound like a nice person.

I’d be uncomfortable with the presents too, you don’t know this person. And I’d be uncomfortable if it was a man also, it comes across like trying to buy your acceptance imo. She should back off, but your dm is the one who should be telling her this.

Original poster
ineedamiracle2020 · 05/08/2020 12:03

@aSofaNearYou

I would feel weird if someone who I hadn't met was then buying things for my unborn baby. It's like trying to buy acceptance or friendship. It's child like. I don't like it and I would tell them that I need time to get used to mum being in this relationship and need to get to know new partner. Leave the baby gifts until after the baby is born. And that last request would be for everyone anyway.

On the flipside, I think it is child like to assume someone has an ulterior motive behind giving someone a gift. I would also consider it child like to be so ungrateful about gifts that you would expect them and demand they come at a certain time.

I don't think there's an ulterior or malicious motive, just thought it was odd to buy baby things for someone you don't know. I don't think I'd have minded if it was a one off baby grow or something! I've spoken o my mum ( MN has been my Dutch courage this morning) and have arranged to meet next time she's up! I did mention about the gifts as If I didn't like them then it would be a waste of her money, but she just said that's fine and she just loves babies so I think that because my mums really excited she feels really included already!
OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 05/08/2020 12:10

This is my first ever baby and he means the world to me.

Everyone's babies mean the world to them Hmm

RedNun · 05/08/2020 12:11

It may be coming from your mother, OP, rather than her girlfriend, but you probably realise that -- I know my mother simply doesn't understand that not all gifts from all people are necessarily welcome. I returned a baby gift from someone who had done something appalling to me, and had a negative impact on a good decade of my life, and my mother was practically in tears about the ingratitude. She has a fairly primitive notion of how you might ingratiate yourself with someone.

I actually don't blame you. I would find gifts from a very new girlfriend/boyfriend of a family member that I hadn't even met obtrusive and an attempt to 'buy' my favour in advance. I would think they must be a bit dense not to realise this.

But perhaps she'll turn out to be wonderful, and that will change things.

peachgreen · 05/08/2020 12:12

Loads of my mum's friends I'd never met bought presents for my baby. It's just a nice thing people do. Makes perfect sense her partner would do so, imo.

Shedbuilder · 05/08/2020 12:14

Good luck to you, your siblings and your mum. You sound very reasonable. All the best with your pregnancy and becoming a mum yourself.

Piewraith · 05/08/2020 12:19

just thought it was odd to buy baby things for someone you don't know

Get ready for a whole lot of oddness. I got gifts from SILs parents (never met them), neighbours (met once) and colleagues (who I don't work closely with and hardly know).

Also my mum likes making baby related items, so if I mention a friend of mine is pregnant she makes something even if she has never met the person. My friends may think it's weird to get a hand knitted blanket from a stranger but she isn't stalking them, just loves doing crafts.

VinylDetective · 05/08/2020 12:21

@Xenia

It is what we used to call "cupboard love" - that people buy things hoping to make you like them. However it is probably well meant. Just thank them but do see if you can arrange a meeting at some point and you might want to check her out in case she is going to fleece your mother - try vetting her, checking her on the internet etc
That’s not my understanding of cupboard love, I thought that was when you pretended to love someone for what you could get out of them.

I got baby presents from people I didn’t know. Some women - I’m one of them - love buying baby things and love an excuse to do it.

Won’t your mum have framed pictures of your child on show, OP? If so, everyone who goes into her house will see them. My mum had a little album called Grandma’s Boasting Book and showed all sorts of people our baby pictures. It’s what grannies do.

QueenOfPain · 05/08/2020 12:22

Could you possibly be projecting some negative feelings about the end of your mums previous relationship onto the new partner? And that’s why you feel a bit resistant about the gifts and things? Like she’s trying to replace ex partner?

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2020 12:25

Sorry OP, my last comment was directed at the tone of a PP not you personally, I'm glad you've spoken to your mum and are feeling a bit better about the situation!

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