To be upset my 6 year old got her ears pierced?

[thetimehasbegan]

My ex and I share 50/50 custody of my daughter (nothing in writing). My daughter is 6 and has been asking me for a couple of weeks to get her ears pierced.

I didn't have a problem with this as she is old enough to ask and she understood it would hurt and would both have to keep them clean. I had said though that we would wait a while as I wasn't sure places were doing it due to coronavirus.

Today I got a FaceTime from my daughter and her dad had taken her into Claire's accessories to get her ears pierced. He hasn't even discussed it with me or let me know. I am more hurt than angry as I feel that's a mummy and daughter activity and I would have at least liked to have been there for it.

After explaining to him that I am disappointed he has apologised. However, I can't help feeling still sad. Also, I went to see my daughter to see her ears and she was telling me that my ex MIL was telling my daughter to tell me that "if you're not fast, your last". This has really pissed me off and I've sent her a text.

AIBU?

I think that’s way too young to have your ears pierced.

I'd be angry there wasn't a discussion between parents first, but this is what happens when you aren't together anymore.
As for mil, you are nothing to her either, she'll not care what you text her.
I don't get mother'/ daughter stuff tbh.

Let’s say the unsayable. Piercing on young children looks chav.

Ahh, yes. The unsayable. Which has been said dozens of times on this thread already.

But it's extremely ill received, despite being perfectly true.

despite being perfectly true

"Piercing on young children looks chav" is a subjective opinion and therefore cannot be "perfectly true". And even if it's a widely held opinion in the UK (which it may well be, judging by this thread) it's not so in other cultures and countries.

I had my ears pierced at 14. My Mum took me, but it wasn't really a mum/daughter thing. At the time, she hadn't had her ears pierced, I did, it was a birthday present. My dad (while a good, decent father) didn't really get involved in things like that. (Not a criticism of him, he was always working hard, and my parents had quite a traditional relationship and it was 1980 when parenting roles were very different to how they are now.)

I'm not a parent, but if I was, I wouldn't let any child of mine have their ears pierced, until they asked for it, were able to fully understand it, and were able to take care of the aftercare themselves. So about 11 or 12.

I know most people have it done, but it's not a necessary procedure, and I think should be made when a child has the capacity to make the decision.

And certainly not Claire's. I had it done in a jewellers. I'm not sure if they still do it in jewellers. If it was now I'd consider a tattoo parlour for it.

@Thisismytimetoshine

But it's extremely ill received, despite being perfectly true.

And racist.

Wow OP is getting a tough time.

I'd be sad I missed out too, he should have run it by you.

Claire's is a big no in my eyes (but I work in piecing at the opposite end of the spectrum). No twisting/turning. Saline solution and hair dryer method already mentioned. Sleep on a travel pillow - appreciate at 6 that's probably not going to happen but hey.

Your MIL sounds a twunt.

Would you have called him to ask permission to take her yourself after already having had a discussion previously about it? I doubt it. Yabu (even though I think 6 is way too young )

You won't win this. From bitter experience I'd say smile and let it go if they want to try and get one up on you well this time they did better not to let them know.

@Spidey66 there's loads of stuff a person without a child says they wouldn't do when they do become parents 😂 never quite happens like that. Also children all have different maturity levels so you can't say whether a 11 year old will be able to look after their ears better than an 8 year old if you have no idea about their maturity levels surely?

I used to say I wouldn't let my child watch more than an hour of tv a day and would make sure they were fluent in 3 languages. Now I laugh at how clueless I was.

I'd be angry there wasn't a discussion between parents first, but this is what happens when you aren't together anymore.

THERE WAS A DISCUSSION.

OP said clearly in a drip feed post that they'd agreed the child could have them done when she was old enough to ask. And that the child has been asking.

@maddy68 yes I absolutely would have contacted him and said, "dd wants to get her ears pierced, is it okay if I take her tomorrow?" And would have taken it from there. It certainly wouldn't have been a spur of the moment, unplanned thing. And as I have said in my post, I didn't want her ears pierced until after corona had settled down so perhaps next year.

[quote thetimehasbegan]@Spidey66 there's loads of stuff a person without a child says they wouldn't do when they do become parents 😂 never quite happens like that. Also children all have different maturity levels so you can't say whether a 11 year old will be able to look after their ears better than an 8 year old if you have no idea about their maturity levels surely?

I used to say I wouldn't let my child watch more than an hour of tv a day and would make sure they were fluent in 3 languages. Now I laugh at how clueless I was. [/quote]
If I was saying ''If I ever had kids, they'd never eat McDonalds/hit another child/cry through the night/be bottle fed before 6 months/get a detention at school'' yes I'd agree, circumstances and expectations differ once the child is there.Exactly like your example of TV viewing and languages spoken. But having a child's ear pierced is something firmly in a parent's control. And no, I absolutely wouldn't. There are surely some decisions/choices which are more flexible once you're in the thick of it all.

If (imaginary) 11 year old child wasn't able to look after their piercings, I wouldn't let them have them done. Simple as that. An 8 year old, definitely not.

It's a moot point anyway. I'm 54 and have had a hysterectomy, so I an't going to have any! But interestingly, I've got 5 nieces (and two nephews) and none of them have had their ears pieced until they were in late childhood/early teens, (my 2 youngest nieces are 10 and 11 and still don't have pierced ears) so obviously something that's kind of seeped into my family's consciousness that's not done for young children. I don't remember any of my nieces making a scene about it, so I imagine if they asked they've just been told ''not until you're older.''

All I'm saying is that's my opinion. It's not illegal to have a child's ears pierced, so others are free to parent their children how they wish.

You need to box cleverer with MIL, though.

No good sending a pissed off text - she'll just smirk.

Instead (and do this next time) - you want to have a faux-concerned 'word in the ear ' with your Ex along the lines of 'Don't want to say the wrong thing here but DD repeated to me

You are gonna have to get over it op as you consider your Dd old enough to decide to get her ears pierced, why does it matter to you who goes with her?

I'm amazed you are allowed to pierce the ears of a child so young in this country.
I'm also amazed the primary school allows earrings.

Maybe you can take her for her first nipple piercing op, or tattoo?

@karmasic yes as discussed up thread, I'm feeling a little less sad as I can look forward to the first tattoo and facial piercings or like you say nipple piercing. She'll be good for all that in a few years.

😂😂 at the poster(s) saying they'd say "no" to their daughter before the age of 16.

Good luck with that!

I also am surprised that people see it as beautifying. I've got loads of piercings because I like them. I actually don't like my ears that much so probably shouldn't draw attention to them! That's not the reason I get them done!

Ah nothing like people detailing a perfectly reasonable thread

Firstly 6 is quite a common age for ear piercing, most of the girls in my DD and DS sons classes had them done in year 1/2 so around the same age.

Secondly OP YABU. You were ok with them being pierced and don't have the monopoly on special moments and don't even try with that mummy daughter moment BS

@JBizz

Ah nothing like people detailing a perfectly reasonable thread

Firstly 6 is quite a common age for ear piercing, most of the girls in my DD and DS sons classes had them done in year 1/2 so around the same age.

Secondly OP YABU. You were ok with them being pierced and don't have the monopoly on special moments and don't even try with that mummy daughter moment BS

That may be the case in your area, it really isn't universal. Or common, even.

IHRTFT but it's clear to me your ex and his girlfriend did this purely to annoy you. She is his child too, but anyone with a brain would check it's OK with the other parent first before doing it. you shouldn't have text his girlfriend about her comment made to your daughter as it shows they have got to you and wound you up, which is exactly what they would want.
A better response would have been an over the top message about how much you love the piercings and how great it looks.

@Ibizama thank you, that was precisely the look we were hoping to achieve

And you sound like you are quite sophisticated and definitely not chav,
Ibizama.