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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset my 6 year old got her ears pierced?

328 replies

thetimehasbegan · 04/08/2020 18:49

My ex and I share 50/50 custody of my daughter (nothing in writing). My daughter is 6 and has been asking me for a couple of weeks to get her ears pierced.

I didn't have a problem with this as she is old enough to ask and she understood it would hurt and would both have to keep them clean. I had said though that we would wait a while as I wasn't sure places were doing it due to coronavirus.

Today I got a FaceTime from my daughter and her dad had taken her into Claire's accessories to get her ears pierced. He hasn't even discussed it with me or let me know. I am more hurt than angry as I feel that's a mummy and daughter activity and I would have at least liked to have been there for it.

After explaining to him that I am disappointed he has apologised. However, I can't help feeling still sad. Also, I went to see my daughter to see her ears and she was telling me that my ex MIL was telling my daughter to tell me that "if you're not fast, your last". This has really pissed me off and I've sent her a text.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 05/08/2020 07:28

@avamiah

Hi All , Firstly let me say that I’ve been on MN for many years and I know many of you may not agree with me now but anyway here goes, My daughter is 10 years old and she had her ears pierced at 6 months old. She had both ears pierced at the same time and it took seconds and to this day she has never had a infection and loves wearing earrings . Would I do it now? The answer is, probably not .

You wouldn't do it now because of the pandemic or you wouldn't do it now to a 6 month old?

Mrsemcgregor · 05/08/2020 07:39

I wonder if the people being nasty about OPs decision to let her six year old have her ears pierced realise how discriminatory and nasty they sound?

Do you realise that for many people piercing is cultural? Do you understand the type of offence you could be causing to Hispanic communities where piercing is common in infant girls? Or in India where girls often have their noses pierced at 12? Or closer to home, the traveler community where piercing in children is very usual?

Declaring it “chavvy”? Really? By that I assume you really mean “working class”? Is there anything wrong with being working class?

You sound like prejudiced stuck up snobs. MN at it’s worse.

OP - I understand why you are upset, if you had looked forward to this day and it’s been taken away. And your ex MIL sounds like a bitch, don’t rise to it and have a word with your XH about what she says to your DD. It’s not on for her to be spouting divisive bullshit to a 6 yr old.

Soubriquet · 05/08/2020 07:51

I would be more pissed at the fact he used Claire’s as it’s well known now that guns are worse for piercings

I would have a problem with it being done at 6.

I had mine done when I was 4.

Dd has asked for hers when she was 6, I explained to her how it happens and she changed her mind. When/If she changes it again, I’ll take her to a tattoo parlour and get it done there

xolotltezcatlopoca · 05/08/2020 07:52

I have no problem with a children piercing their ear at 6 if they want to. What's different from doing it at 12, 16, or 18?
It's so weird for me. People say on the other thread that 6 years old is totally capable to go into the shop on their own and use parent's card to pay for it, and it's a great life lesson. But shouldn't decide if they want to have their ears pieced?

WeAllHaveWings · 05/08/2020 08:03

If you were both ok with her getting them getting done when she wanted them and your ex knew this, you have no problems with it being done in Claire's, then I don't see the problem. Just happened to be on his watch on the spur of the moment.

It is no more a "mummy and daughter" than a "daddy and daughter" activity.

Other than that, ears pierced at 6 is impractical, and MIL is shit stirring.

Miseryl · 05/08/2020 08:04

Claire's use piercing guns which are dirty and grim. It's better to go to a proper piercer who will use a needle which can be properly disinfected.

User87471643901065319 · 05/08/2020 08:12

You and your ex have agreed you would let your DD have her ears pierced if she asks and she has been asking you for a couple of weeks. I think it is fine that your ex has taken your DD and got this done.

You share your DD and so, sadly, for both of you, you no longer have the monopoly on those special occasions. I understand your disappointment but your ex is just as entitled to have shared this as a daddy and daughter activity. When you state you would have at least like to have been there, do you mean you would find the 3 of you going together would have been okay with you? What about what ex wants? What DD wants?

You probably need to have a re-think about other occasions that you want to have as mummy and daughter and perhaps have a discussion with your ex and come to an agreement together about these things.

I don't like the slogan that your MIL has imparted to your DD though. I think you need to, again, discuss it with your ex. There is nothing wrong with healthy competitiveness but your DD does not need to be indoctrinated into that with a snappy slogan.

Goingprivate2020 · 05/08/2020 08:14

Yabu to let a six year old get their ears pierced. There is no need For then to ‘beautify’ to be more attractive. They can get ripped out (2 of my school friends in the 80s suffered this, one at playtime, one at netball, entirely accidentally). Plus Claire’s wouldn’t be my place of choice, any more than I’d let my child get surgery at Clinton’s Cards.

Let’s say the unsayable. Piercing on young children looks chav. It’s culturally common elsewhere (Italy, Spain, etc) but not fete: Many will judge, including me.

sunrainwind · 05/08/2020 08:15

I'd be annoyed too OP.

My 6 year old has a few friends who have their ears pierced - she asked me, I said it hurts a bit and that put her off!

AlwaysLatte · 05/08/2020 08:25

My Mum took me when I was 11 (in fact she had hers done too!) and it was a special pre planned day that we had been looking forward to for ages. So it's a shame it ended up being rushed. I agree it would have been a nice Mummy/daughter thing and at a nicer place than Claire's.
And the crass comments from the MIL don't help.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 05/08/2020 08:29

"Let’s say the unsayable. Piercing on young children looks chav. It’s culturally common elsewhere (Italy, Spain, etc) but not fete: Many will judge, including me."

Being foreign, I didn't even know what chav meant, until one of my mum friend said that about one of the children playing on the playground. It says more about the person who says such a thing, imo. Narrow minded, stereo typical, and very intolerant of other people's choices.

RandyLionandDirtyDog · 05/08/2020 08:29

A 6 year old getting pierced ears and a ‘mother/daughter activity’.

So you want her to grow up thinking appearances are important and that being pretty is some kind of achievement?

Surely a better mother/daughter activity would be to visit a museum or art gallery. Talk about science and engineering and show her the Achievements of amazing women and inspire her to become someone who does more than wear make up and pout into a phone?

Ontheroadtorecovery · 05/08/2020 08:31

Why is it odd a 6 year old is interested in beautifying? My dd 4 is interested in what style her hair is has. Opinions on clothes and some play makeup. We haven't made her this way she just likes it

AntoinetteOuradi · 05/08/2020 08:38

@Time2change2

I would like to know which parts of the country where no primary aged children have their ears pierced. By the end of KS2 in most places I’ve visited the majority have pierced ears

I think it might depend on more things than which part of the country you live in. I don't think it has anything to do with whether said part of the country is 'well off', either, OP.

Obviously, there are some countries and cultures where it's normal/expected for young girls to have pierced ears.

If you're not part of any of those cultures, it's a social class thing.

There was a lot of chatter about it when my DD was in the junior school (girls' school). As I say, though, only one girl actually had it done before the end of Year 6. One of my DC went to a prep school, and the girls there weren't allowed to wear earrings at all, which ruled out piercing until the summer of Year 8. There may have been other schools locally where more girls had their ears pierced, but I wouldn't know as I didn't have a child at any of them.

TheSoapyFrog · 05/08/2020 09:26

I don't see it as a mother and daughter activity anymore than a father and daughter activity. Did your ex know that you wanted it to be a special thing between you and your daughter? If he did, then it's pretty rotten that he took her to have her ears pierced like this. I'd be doubly pissed that he took her to Claire's as well.
If he didn't, and he knew that you didn't mind her getting her ears pierced, then I don't think I could bring myself to be that upset. Your daughter is happy either way and it doesn't really matter who took her.
Maybe you could do similar when it comes to buying first bra or sanitary products.
Your ex MIL is definitely a dickhead though and is probably behind the whole thing and your ex husband was too much of a coward which is why he apologised.

Saraban · 05/08/2020 09:33

I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but the classism/snobbery on here has really pissed me off. Who exactly decided (and when?) that a 6 year old having their ears pierced was tacky, or chavvy, or that allowing it meant that you’re teaching your daughter to only care about her appearance?

For what it’s worth (not that anyone has asked, but hey ho) I’m an Oxford educated barrister. I also had my ears pierced aged 5. Am I a chav, or only interested in my appearance?

Eyesofdisarray · 05/08/2020 09:51

I'd be annoyed that they were done at Claire's too; a proper piercing studio is far better. DD's were done at one of these- she didn't flinch and we've had no trouble at all. They even do a follow-up check a few weeks later.
No help to you now- obviously.....

xolotltezcatlopoca · 05/08/2020 09:57

I see no point of talking about where they have been done either. I had mine done at proper clinic by a dr and got infected. My sister had it done at high street jewellery shop and it was totally fine. It's all about how you treat it and look after it afterwards, after all, unless they are using dirty equipment.

CarrieFour · 05/08/2020 10:39

@Time2change2
I would like to know which parts of the country where no primary aged children have their ears pierced. By the end of KS2 in most places I’ve visited the majority have pierced ears

I was wondering this too. We're in a very "naice" part of Surrey.

None of the houses within DDs school catchment are under £500k, those on the streets surround the school are £800k+

Half the girls in her class has their ears pierced by Y2.

I'd have thought if it was a class thing then she'd have been the odd one out having hers done for her 7th birthday. Must be geographical.

Bbang · 05/08/2020 11:04

Okay firstly £67!!! What the? That’s insane, who has the money for that (or am I just poor lol?!)

Secondly I think I see your viewpoint of it being a mum and daughter thing, my mum took me and my sister when we both got to 12 to get ours done and we had a lovely girly day with lunch and shopping etc. It was really lovely and I can’t wait to do similar with my daughter if she wants her ears pierced ever. That being said I can appreciate in other families things are different and it’s not viewed how I see it.

I would’ve been upset if my ex took my daughter to get hers ears done without even letting me know first, it just doesn’t feel very respectful.

timeforawine · 05/08/2020 11:09

If i was allowing it it wouldn't bother me, personally i'd rather my husband took her as i'd hate to see her in pain, he did all the baby vaccinations for this reason, but i can be a wuss.
Maybe go shopping instead and pick out a nice pair of earrings for her.
Sod the ex-MIL, cow.

Elasticate · 05/08/2020 11:12

Oh dear lord, OP you created the holy grail of MN thread - piercings done at Claire's! This type of thread is the reason the phrase "Only on MN" was created!

I only hear the hate for Claire's on MN. In real life, I don't know of one person who got an infection from a Claire's piercing - me included!

Also, the daftness about "beautifying" - do these posters dress their daughters in beige sacks?

And the comparison with tattoos? Huh? Tattoos are permanent; piercings are not.

And as for, why don't you bring your dd to a gallery as a bonding experience instead? How do you know she doesn't? Maybe open your mind to the fact that people don't need to be just one thing - it is possible to have your ears pierced and enjoy a museum. I thought equality was about women having the choice to do both; sanctimonious "feminists" that only see their view of feminism as the correct way is a bugbear.

FourTeaFallOut · 05/08/2020 11:18

I think it's tacky and I don't think that speaks to class at all. If Princess Charlotte sported a pair of earrings I'd roll my eyes and call that tacky too.

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/08/2020 11:20

Oh it's not just class it speaks to @FourTeaFallOut it's also a race and cultural thing. So much for you to look down on.

FourTeaFallOut · 05/08/2020 11:22

Yes, well I don't hold much truck with cultural relativism. I think if you shoot holes in to little girl's ears to make them look pretty, then it's tacky.

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