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Original poster

Bridesmaid etiquette

174 replies

Dollycarton81 · 04/08/2020 08:06

If you asked someone to your bridesmaid would you expect to pay some or all costs. The dress is a given but what about hair and make up? Accommodation if it involves travelling and staying overnight?

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and other than the very cheap high street dress my friend is expecting us to fork out for everything else - our own hair and make up which is almost £100 not to mention two nights in the hotel where she's getting married. There will also be accessories such a shoes, a wedding gift, travel expenses. I predict that this wedding will cost me around £500 to attend. Is this the norm?

The issue I have is that she can definitely afford it. Her parents have paid a substantial amount for the wedding and her and her partner have very well paid jobs whereas this will be a real struggle for me to find this money. Oh and there's the week long hen doo abroad too....

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/08/2020 08:08

Decline

Amijustagrump · 04/08/2020 08:08

I'm gettung married next year and am paying for dress, hair and makeup. Im not doing shoes but they aren't visible anyway so told the girls to wear whatever they want and I think most are wearing shoes they already own! If she says you have to have hair and makeup done then in my opinion she should pay.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 04/08/2020 08:10

I think it depends on the situation.

When exh and I got married I paid for dresses, shoes and jewellery. Bridesmaids did their own hair and make up and there were no hotel fees as it was local to home and not a destination thing.

However, whilst I might expect to pay for the hotel for the night before the wedding for them i wouldn't expect to pay for the night after the wedding.

MzHz · 04/08/2020 08:10

Decline

Absolutely this.

Skyliner001 · 04/08/2020 08:12

Own shoes and paid for hair and make up. Thought that was fine. Cost£40 for hair but did my own makeup. Lovely day.

On other day own shows, they paid for hair and I paid make up. Also lovely day.

CareBear50 · 04/08/2020 08:12

I would tell her you will do your own hair and makeup as you can't afford it and day you'll stay over day of wedding but not the night before.

I think she's being a bit of a diva personally

AlwaysInMay · 04/08/2020 08:12

When I was a bridesmaid with two others, we agreed with the bride what we could all afford. In the end, she paid for our dress and shoes and we paid for hair and make up. No travel or accommodation needed, and the hen weekend was also something all guests could afford (checked at the start of planning). In your situation, I simply wouldn't (couldn't) agree to all of those requirements.

Skyliner001 · 04/08/2020 08:13

Hen do however was five days away. I went for one night. At the time money was tight but I would still have just done one night, I don't really agree with long hen dos.

Alexandernevermind · 04/08/2020 08:13

Can you not do your own hair and make up and travel to the hotel, rather than stay over? Just tell her you can't afford it. Shoes don't have to cost a fortune either, go to New Look.

Bmidreams · 04/08/2020 08:13

Just decline. You should not be left out of pocket. None of it is for your benefit. You'll probably enjoy it more without all that in top. Just be a guest. The honeymoon is enough.

Skyliner001 · 04/08/2020 08:13

Both days didn't include a night away

Ragwort · 04/08/2020 08:15

Decline,you don't have to accept the invitation - in the present climate I don't understand why people are still planning big showy weddings anyway.

Laufeythejust · 04/08/2020 08:16

I’m getting married next year and I’m paying for dresses, makeup, hair and shoes.

turnthebiglightoff · 04/08/2020 08:16

I paid for hair, accommodation and dresses. Bridesmaids paid for their own shoes but kept them as weren't all the same. Hen do was a night out in town. I paid for accommodation for them on the wedding night too - only fair as they "worked" on the wedding day, a bit!

Anyone making you pay for your own dress etc is a CF. Decline and explain it's because bridesmaids shouldn't have to pay for their own dresses, it's CF'ery of the highest level and she should be ashamed for asking!!

SerendipitySunshine · 04/08/2020 08:16

Is she saying you need to have hair and make up done? If not, just so your own. Similarly, wear your own shoes.

Ginfordinner · 04/08/2020 08:16

@CareBear50

I would tell her you will do your own hair and makeup as you can't afford it and day you'll stay over day of wedding but not the night before.

I think she's being a bit of a diva personally

I agree with this ^^
Bibijayne · 04/08/2020 08:18

As a bridesmaid a few times and a bride: usual standard in the UK is bride pays for hair and makeup (if required/ not doing it yourself) the dress and a gift.

Bridesmaid usually pays for shoes (unless something very specific is required).

Accomodation seems to vary. I think most times I've paid for my own. But it depends on the type of venue/ event.

Bowwow89 · 04/08/2020 08:20

We paid for hotel the night before, transport from home and to the hotel, dresses, hair and make up. They only had to sort shoes which they already had.
I would decline and just go as a guest as the costs you can control.

Pizzapromotion · 04/08/2020 08:20

I'd expect dress, shoes, flowers paid for. I'd expect to be responsible for my own hair and make up but I wouldn't expect to be told how or where it would be done and would probably do it myself.

Accommodation is trickier. If it was a question of travelling back to bride's home town, I'd expect , as bridesmaid to be put up at home tbh, even if it meant sleeping on the floor in bride's room. If it's a ridiculous destination wedding I'd probably expect to pay but I'd also expect to be able to choose the hotel from a range of prices. OTOH, I'd be very uncomfortable asking my own bridesmaid to pay.

Ifmusicbethefoodoflove · 04/08/2020 08:20

Standard is them paying if they insist on a certain thing (ie particular shoes or specific hair/make up person). If they’re happy with whatever then it’s up to you to find something affordable. Do you have to stay at that hotel? Are you sharing a room?

That said I would never expect anyone the fork out that much money for my wedding. Ridiculous.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/08/2020 08:21

When I was a bridesmaid all hell broke lose when the bride suggested we pay for the dress alternations - in the end we paid for hair and make up (was £30 as was a related make up artist!)- hotel and travel I would have paid for even if I was just a guest but I wouldn’t do 2 nights, just the one. And no never pay for the dress or shoes!

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 04/08/2020 08:22

She’s chancing her arm !
I paid for bridesmaids dresses , shoes, make up hair and one night accommodation.
I also gave them a hamper the morning of the wedding which had jewelry if they wanted to wear it.
You shouldn’t have to cover any expense!

AuntieStella · 04/08/2020 08:22

I would expect to pay for just about everything the bridesmaid wore on the day (dress/shoes/hair/make up/flowers)

Accomodation if I was insisting they stayed in a place which I chose (rather than being able to go with their own preferences/budget as ordinary guests do)

BeaUnder · 04/08/2020 08:22

Every time.e I've been a bridesmaid they have paid for dress, shoes, make up, hair and flowers.

None of them required an overnight stay.

I'd decline unless the bride had come to me before hand to discuss.

Serenity45 · 04/08/2020 08:24

I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses, hair and make up and they all chose their own shoes (I just specified colour which was nude, so easily re wearable). I bought their wedding day jewellery as a gift but they all paid for their own hotel rooms. My hen do was a night out locally to us as I wanted all of my close female friends and family to come, but didn't want anyone to feel they had to spend loads (e.g. some 'less close' friends/work colleagues popped to meet for a few drinks early in the evening then there was a hard core of about 10 of us still going at 6am Grin )

She's definitely being a bit of a CF and quite thoughtless

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