Bridesmaid etiquette

[Dollycarton81]

If you asked someone to your bridesmaid would you expect to pay some or all costs. The dress is a given but what about hair and make up? Accommodation if it involves travelling and staying overnight?

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and other than the very cheap high street dress my friend is expecting us to fork out for everything else - our own hair and make up which is almost £100 not to mention two nights in the hotel where she's getting married. There will also be accessories such a shoes, a wedding gift, travel expenses. I predict that this wedding will cost me around £500 to attend. Is this the norm?

The issue I have is that she can definitely afford it. Her parents have paid a substantial amount for the wedding and her and her partner have very well paid jobs whereas this will be a real struggle for me to find this money. Oh and there's the week long hen doo abroad too....

She’s taking the piss.
I paid for dresses, alterations, hair and make up, plus some little gifts of jewellery etc. They wore shoes they already had (I’d have paid if they’d needed new, but they were happy) and no accommodation was needed as they stayed in my house, while DH and I stayed away.
Anything the bride and/or groom insists on or chooses, they pay for imo.

I would consider any bits you are paying for to be optional so only pay for hair and make up if you want to otherwise do your own.

Only pay for the travel and accommodation you would have been happy to pay to attend the wedding anyway.

We paid for our bridesmaids - dresses, hair and make up and we also paid for one night in our hotel venue as it would need to be a two night stay for most. They just had to cover their own shoes and any jewellery they wanted. As we were asking them to have their hair and make up done we paid. It is only fair.

And a week long hen! Wow! I'd decline or be really clear she is being stingy and that you cant afford.

Traditionally bridesmaids did pay for themselves- or rather the girls parents did and we always have but life has moved on and now there are far more adult bridesmaids and I think fewer people expect their bridesmaids to spend a fortune.

For my daughters wedding, we have bought the dresses with jewellery and will provide wedding accommodation, will arrange hair and makeup and, obviously, transport.
They want to do their own shoes. They paid for hen and stag event. They’ve paid to come down for fittings. They will pay accommodation over and above the eve of wedding and wedding night.

When I got married I paid for dresses and hair. They wore their own shoes, as I said they could wear any so they wore what they had or bought new if they wanted. As they could choose they could wear them again as they weren't hideous dyed shoes or anything.

I paid for us all to have our hair done and we all did our own makeup. There was no hotels or anything as we all lived or had relatives local to the venue.

I think if brides want to dictate exactly what the bridesmaids wear and have down and where they stay they need to foot the bill.

I paid for dresses, hair and make up. They all stayed at my mums house the night before and after so that was no cost. Told them they could wear any shoes they wanted, some bought new, some wore already owned. I got the. A gift of a nice bracelet but said they could wear any other jewellery they liked.
My hen do was organised by then 2 nights in UK city at their budget.

I think if you ask someone to be bridesMaid you should incur the costs of anything you want them to do - so if you want their hair make up done and x dress and to stay in a hotel with you - you pay that. Especially if you're expecting them to fork out for a week hen do abroad.

You have the perfect reason to give her to decline her request: Sorry I have given it a lot of thought and I will be needing to focus on my own wedding and marriage next year so I can’t dedicate myself to being your bridesmaid. I’m sure you will understand given how you can see how much is involved in organising your special day”. Pander to the bridezilla mentality.

I’ve paid for my accommodation, dress alterations and shoes a couple of times as bridesmaid but never the actual dress, make-up or hair. For my own wedding, for members of the wedding party that had to travel, I paid for their hotel room and for those local, I didn’t - but they choose to stay at the hotel anyway, so I do wish in hindsight that I paid for their rooms too.

I suppose there is a backstory here which is relevant as to why I feel uncomfortable saying no or admitting I can't afford it. We (the bride and bridesmaids) are all old school friends. Been in this friendship group for many years. And I am the one who had kids very young and never progressed in my career while the others all did. I was a single parent for a long time and I have never been well off but they have all gone from strength to strength in their careers and relationships. It's my own fault through the life choices I've made but I simply don't have the disposable income that the rest of them do. It makes me feel inferior at the best of times and l have had to say no to holidays and things like that in the past. But to say no to this will make me feel very bad and a bit of a failure.

I have built it up a lot in my mind perhaps down to my own insecurities.

I think you need to be upfront and honest with her, I can’t see how she can take offence if you can’t afford something, it’s out of your control.

When we got married I paid for everything for the bridesmaids (inc make up, hair, jewellery etc) except the accommodation but it was only 1 night and they didn't have to stay if they didn't want to but had priority and had the normally 'more expensive rooms' for the same price as the basic which any other guest staying had.
I don't see why bridesmaids should be out of pocked for a brides decisions!?

I paid for my hair and make up as it was a choice to get it done. The bride let us choose how we had it. If the bride wants it a certain way, then she should pay for it. The bride found quotes for us and we chose which one we wanted to pay for. I also wore a pair of shoes that I already owned as she didn't mind what shoes we had. The dresses were her choice so she paid for them, and the flowers. There was no expensive hen do either. I wouldn't have gone on a hen do abroad, bridesmaid or not.

You can buy shoes that you will use again. Have your hair done by someone you know or do it yourself if you can (practice now), and do your own make up. What you pay for a present is up to you. You can surely get away with staying only one night, the night of the wedding, in a hotel.

No comment about the hen do, they seem to really be getting out of hand and beyond a lot of people's pocket so that is up to you. A week away could be regarded as a holiday.

So many weddings are ostentatious these days, over the top. It's particularly funny when you consider the divorce rate. It strikes me people are more invested in a wedding than a marriage.

She’s the failure for being so bloody inconsiderate. How much will the hen do be? She sounds like the type to expect you to pay a chunk of her share.

She’s being a brat and I’m really sorry the situation is making you feel shit. You don’t deserve that.

If she’s really a friend she’ll want you to feel comfortable and make it as easy and achievable as possible for you. You know weddings don’t have to mean showy exhibitions from your own. £500 is about a third is what our entire wedding cost! Maybe more.

I do see why you’re so conflicted but you can’t afford to be her well dressed doll at your own expense, it’s not fair on your family.

When I was a bridesmaid, the bride wanted a specific colour, so she bought the fabric, but we had to pay to get the dresses made into a style that we wanted, and we had to pay for our own shoes and hair. I did my own makeup and used my own hairdresser, which was half the cost of hers and did better hair. This was around 15 years ago though, so it sounds like times have changed, going by the comments on here.

Its hard to decline being a bridesmaid, but I would this time, as kindly as you can, citing the cost.
With this list of requirements I would doubt she will allow you to do your own hair and makeup without bad feeling.

She may be an old friend and friendship group - but its not a good friendship group because you are not able to be yourself.
You can start being honest now and see how they take it, which you probably have a good gut feeling that they won't care and you'll be dropped.
Or you can put yourself into a financial problem,but the reality is the same scenario will happen - just a little bit further down the line and with you always resenting the money that you wasted for a few extra months in a group that is pretty self centred and won't care when you fall out of it...

I paid for their dresses, accessories and hair. We also covered accommodation for two nights but not travel (it was a distance but they've have had to travel if just a guest)

Makeup we did ourselves and they wore their own shoes.

If she is a close enough friend to be asked to be in the wedding, she's someone whose wedding I'm guessing you'd want to attend anyway so I'd expect to cover the cost of accommodation and travel to get there. I have been a bridesmaid a couple of times and always paid for that. I have also paid for my dress (as have only been BM in the US.)

In a UK context I think accommodation and travel is not generally covered but you shouldn't feel shy about finding a cheaper place than where she is staying, if need be.

With regard to the other stuff, I paid for hair (we didn't do make up) but it seems like it's a free-for-all today. I am sure she could be accessing some sort of enabling website which is encouraging her to believe that her friends would love nothing more than to sink several hundred quid on her big day.

The week-long hen is unspeakable. I have no words for that.

I would tell her you will do your own hair and make up. Wear shoes you already have. Get a nice but cheap(er) present - bottle of something fizzy?
Maybe only spend 1 night at the hotel.

It's really difficult. I think you both value this friendship so if you speak to her about the financial aspect she should be understanding

I paid for everything (which is why I only had my best friend- it was all I could afford!) I think if you’re to a certain extent ‘dictating’ now someone looks and how they spend time at your wedding, you should make sure they’re not out of pocket for it.

I’ve been a bridesmaid twice as an adult- once everything was paid for, and once we were asked to pay for our own makeup, which I did. One of the bridesmaids did her own though.

I paid for dress, hair (including a colour the week before for MoH because I wanted it a particular colour that she'd previously had but couldn't afford at the time), make up and accommodation the night before. I think that's pretty standard.

I would tell her you'd like to be a guest rather than a bridesmaid since her requests are well out of your budget and you wouldn't want her to be unhappy with you not being able to afford the hair/makeup, expensive hotel for two (!) nights. You had budgeted for shoes. The rest is just too much and not defensible to your budget or relationship.

If she has fixed ideas on what the bridesmaids' hair should look like, then she ought to be paying for the hairdresser shouldn't she?

It's very bad form to ask your BM to pay for hair and makeup etc., and then insist on a consistent look. The rule of thumb is that if you want someone to look a certain way, then you pay for it.

I would decline. And if it causes upset and bad feeling, then she wasn't much of a friend to start with. I'd be fucking mortified if one of my friends was worrying and panicking about finances as a result of something I'd asked them to do - and if she's a decent person and a true friend then she'll understand this.

I've been a BM once - dress, shoes and flowers paid for. Didn't stay over. Did my own hair and makeup.