Bridesmaid etiquette

[Dollycarton81]

If you asked someone to your bridesmaid would you expect to pay some or all costs. The dress is a given but what about hair and make up? Accommodation if it involves travelling and staying overnight?

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and other than the very cheap high street dress my friend is expecting us to fork out for everything else - our own hair and make up which is almost £100 not to mention two nights in the hotel where she's getting married. There will also be accessories such a shoes, a wedding gift, travel expenses. I predict that this wedding will cost me around £500 to attend. Is this the norm?

The issue I have is that she can definitely afford it. Her parents have paid a substantial amount for the wedding and her and her partner have very well paid jobs whereas this will be a real struggle for me to find this money. Oh and there's the week long hen doo abroad too....

I think it is really poor form to expect bridesmaids to pay. I had 3 adult bridesmaids and paid for everything; dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, a gift of earrings for them each and also the accommodation for the night before the wedding (we had to be up early for makeup etc so it was my request and I paid). They paid for hotel room on the night of the wedding but they were ok with that as that would be a normal expense as a guest.

I paid for the dresses, flowers and the bridesmaids hair. They wore their own shoes and i didn't dictate they had to have their make up done if they didn't want to but they would have to fund it themselves if they did want it done. They were all fine with it. They also weren't told where/if they needed to stay as our venue was expensive and there was a travel lodge and premier inn down the road which were much more affordable!

I think its cheeky to demand you have to pay to stay in a certain hotel if she isn't funding it, but you can decline the hen do and stay somewhere cheaper for the wedding though! I would imagine she can't say much if you're there in the morning on time and ready to celebrate!

When we got married we paid for the dresses and fur jackets. The shoes you couldn't see so I wasn't fussed what they were (the bridesmaids spoke between themselves and decided). Jewellery I wasn't bothered about so did specify anything. They paid for hair and make up but we bought the hair slide. We had 3 flower girls (2 of who were bridesmaids daughters) and paid for dresses, fur jackets, shoes and hair and make up so the only thing she needed to get for them was tights. Accommodation was paid for by them but they didn't have to do anything apart from transfer the money to us as we had secured some rooms and they got first preference. We also paid for dress alterations.

My suggestion would be - go up on the day of the wedding and tell her you can not afford another nights stay but will stay the night of the wedding. Wear shoes and jewellery you already have, don't pay for that. If she is wanting you to pay for dresses then offer to help find some and tell her what your budget it. Look on ASOS as they are good for dresses. My hen party was local - if an abroad one is mentioned again say you can't afford it but will happily organise a local one for her - we went to a show and had afternoon tea and it was great. Hope this helps.

*didn't specify anything

Anything that the bride is specifically asking you to do, insisting must be a certain way, or is a one-off cost specific to the wedding that cannot be re-used afterwards: the couple pays for. Something that you want yourself that she’s not fussed about, or something that can be re-used afterwards where your taste in being able to re-use it afterwards is an important factor? You pay. That’s the broad rule of thumb. Or used to be until people started being cheeky gits.

So as examples, if the bride isn’t bothered at all what shoes you wear because the dress is such that no one would see, then it’s fair for you to sort your own so you can choose something you like or wear a pair you already have. If you want your hair done on the day by a hairdresser but she’s not fussed, you pay. On the other hand, if the bride is saying you must wear shoes in a specific colour and style, she pays. If she wants you to have your hair and makeup done professionally on the day rather than you do it yourself, she pays.

I thought the etiquette was the bride paid for anything that was compulsory e.g. dress etc. and bridesmaid pays for anything optional.

So if you are required to have expensive makeup or stay over, then the bride pays. If not then you pay, or not, as you choose.

I had to pay for my own shoes which was annoying as they were a colour I never would have usually picked. I did it but begrudgingly, if the bride wanted us to wear a specific colour she shoud have paid for them.

I can't imagine feeling stongly about how any other person had their hair or make up done, even if they were my bridesmaid. Is it really a thing for the bride to want bridesmaids have a specific hairdo?

I paid for everything for them bridesmaid wise - dresses / hair / make up etc, but they paid own travel & hotel, as regular guests did.

I paid for everything but the hotel when I got married, the rooms were discounted. I've only been a bridesmaid once as an adult and paid for my dress, shoes, hair and makeup myself. The bride bought us accessories to wear on the day.

I always thought it was standard in the UK to pay for it as the bride, but that wedding cost me nearly £600, I've declined everytime time since then.

I paid for everything.

The dress,shoes,jewellery,hair and make up,getting nails done(if they wanted to)transport and we'd have paid for accommodation if it was needed.

We also bought gifts for everyone that helped with our wedding,our bridesmaid,flower girl,matron of honor,best men,ring bearer,FOB(my Dad)my Mum.

I've been a bridesmaid quite a few times and was a Matron of honor once and I've never had to pay for anything.

I think it's a real cheek to ask someone to do something for you and to then ask them to pay as well.

This is exactly why I didn't have any bridesmaids!!!

When I was a bridesmaid the bride paid for everything. When I had bridesmaids I paid for everything but they wore their own shoes and did their own makeup. If they needed alterations on the dresses I paid for it

We didn’t pay for accommodation the night of the wedding as they would have been paying as guests even if they weren’t bridesmaid, although the night before the wedding they stayed for free at my parents and the ushers we paid for their accommodation. We paid for transport to the wedding on the day but not to the area as again, they would have been paying for that anyway as normal guests.

In my friendship group it's been the norm that the bride pays for the bridesmaid's dress and flowers.
Sometimes hair & makeup has been covered by the bride, but it can be pricey if she has a few bridesmaids, so I understand when this isn't always included.
As @jaxhog says, this is usually optional.
I'd be happy to do my own hair & make up, but would consider paying for the professionals myself if I really want it and it's not too expensive.

I've previously clubbed together with bridesmaids to purchase matching accessories such as jewellery, shoes and bags. I wouldn't expect the bride to provide these unless it was in her eyes a requirement that we all match.

Absolutely ridiculous of the bride OP. I got married last year and paid for everything except make up. I gave them the option of either paying to get it done professionally or doing it themselves. I paid for the dresses and hair, and all alterations. I didn't pay for their accommodation but they had the choice to stay or not stay. I am a bridesmaid next year and expect to pay for my own accommodation. The bride in your scenario sounds like a CF if I'm honest. A bridezilla out in full force! YANBU.

Oh and as for the bride paying for the hotel for bridesmaids, I've never had this! I wouldn't expect it and don't think it's the norm.

I wouldn’t expect to pay for anything!

I paid for dresses, wraps, shoes, hair pins, hairdresser, make up, overnight at the hotel the night before & dinner and overnight the day of for both my bridesmaids.

IMO it’s dreadfully rude to not at least pay for your bridesmaids dresses. If you can’t afford it without them buying their own dresses, have less bridesmaids - obviously aimed at the ‘must have 10 bridesmaids’ type of bride.

My sisters and sister in law were mine. I didn’t want to deal with the minefield of bridesmaids.
My hen night we went for a horse riding lesson (never been and always wanted to go) then to a pub for a meal and back to my house for movie night, snacks and drinks with friends and family.

The dresses were evening dresses from Debenhams, I loved them and bought them but they were fairly inexpensive in the sale (it was an autumn wedding and I find these are usually the cheapest time)

Shoes were just gold ballet pumps (comfortable for the day) and we all did our own makeup, even me as the bride. My sister didn’t want to wear the flat shoes so bought some heels, again I didn’t really mind.

But then again I’m a pretty relaxed person and I think that reflected in my wedding.

My opinion is if you want them to wear something specific or have a certain style hair or makeup then you should pay. If it’s a case of simply “wear some gold shoes if possible” then they should pay as they’ll be choosing and keeping them.

I think these big hen dos are really cheeky though. I get 3 weeks holiday a year, I don’t want to spend 1 of that on a hen do for one person, what about everyone else in your life that is getting married? And then your holidays for family too?

If she's so well off she doesn't have to think about money, then she's being quite unpleasant not saying that obviously as she wants your hair a certain way she'll be paying for that.

I don't think it's automatic that the couple getting married splash the cash and pay for everything - but anything they want a certain way they pay for.

Just tell her very straightforwardly that you don't have the cash flow atm to shell out for all the extras, so you'll be doing your hair and makeup very simply (or not wearing make up if you don't usually - I never wear make up and won't wear it to please anyone else even if they do pay; I didn't even wear it for my own wedding because I didn't get married as a piece of theatre to please others, I wanted to be myself and comfortable in my skin as usual).

Tell her simply - due to cash flow you'll arrive on the morning, do (or not do) your own make up, do whatever you feel comfortable with doing with your hair, and yyou'll be driving back that night, at 11pm or whatever. Obviously you hope she undertands that you haven't got the cash flow atm to splash out on overnight stays and professional hair and make up, but if it's a problem you will also understand if she wants to ask you to step down.

If she's self involved and blind to the fact not everyone has cash to splash then you'll have to spell it out to her, not put yourself into difficulty to fit in with her delusions.

If she's a good friend she'll either say of course your suggestion is fine, or offer to pay your costs if it's really important to her you fit in with her plans - if it genuinely hadn't occured to her you haven't got that kind of money as pocket change!

Its fairly likely she's actually blown her generous parental budget on something ridiculous like a 10k dress and 5k a night bridal suite and 5k on flowers etc. etc. and actually can't afford the rest of her plans either, but is trying to style it out breezily expecting people to pick up costs to enable her to have her wishes even when her pot has been splurged on nonsense.

I paid for everything except the hotel but friends were staying anyway regardless if they were bridesmaids. They stayed in my relatives house for.couple nights before so they didnt have to pay any extra

Last year I was a bridesmaid. We paid for our dresses (although the bride did offer). We also paid for our accommodation and accessories. I was very happy to pay for all these things myself as we agreed on them all together as a team so nothing was forced on us. The bride was happy for us to pick our own accommodation, shoes, dress and accessories etc. She then paid for the hair and makeup as she had chosen the team who did that.

When my sister got married she had 5 bridesmaids which was pricy. She chose the dresses so she paid. The accommodation was also fixed on site so she paid for that too. But she let us pick our own shoes. We did our hair and makeup ourselves (but could have paid ourselves if we had wanted it done professionally). And she gave each a necklace as a gift to wear on the day.

I have been a bridesmaid twice, the first time I paid for my dress and shoes and the bride paid for my hair. I did my own make up. The wedding was abroad so I paid my travel and accondation.

The second time the bride paid for my dress and accomodation but it was more as a thank you as I had helped her out with a lot of things, I know that because she didnt pay for the other bridesmaids and I was asked not to mention it

At my wedding I paid for dress, shoes, hair and make up. We got married locally so no need for transport or accommodation costs. All my bridesmaid needed to pay for was her drinks for the day.

Oh when I had bridesmaids I bought all their dresses but told them to wear their own shoes so they would be comfortable. And they did their own hair and make up.