Bridesmaid etiquette

[Dollycarton81]

If you asked someone to your bridesmaid would you expect to pay some or all costs. The dress is a given but what about hair and make up? Accommodation if it involves travelling and staying overnight?

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and other than the very cheap high street dress my friend is expecting us to fork out for everything else - our own hair and make up which is almost £100 not to mention two nights in the hotel where she's getting married. There will also be accessories such a shoes, a wedding gift, travel expenses. I predict that this wedding will cost me around £500 to attend. Is this the norm?

The issue I have is that she can definitely afford it. Her parents have paid a substantial amount for the wedding and her and her partner have very well paid jobs whereas this will be a real struggle for me to find this money. Oh and there's the week long hen doo abroad too....

Bridesmaid shouldn't be out of pocket apart from a present which they can buy if they wish.
Dress, shoes, (bag, )hair and makeup , night before in venue or wherever and related refreshments, taxis if needed are the bride's responsibility.Bridal couple also give bridesmaids a nice present. The night after the wedding is a moot point; if they can get home from the venue and choose to stay then bridesmaid pays but if they cannot get home the bride pays.

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses and hair. I said they could wear whatever shoes they wanted and they did their own make up so no cost.

I paid for dresses, hair, makeup, jewellery, accommodation, dressing gowns, slippers, little presents.
They bought their own shoes, and paid if they wanted the dress altered.

It’s standard for the bride to pay if she is insisting on something.

I didn't expect my bridesmaids to pay for dress, shoes, hair, make up, flowers-those were my choices and why should they pay? They did pay for their accommodation like any of the guests. I didn't pay for my outfit etc when I was bridesmaid to a friend either. However much we like to pretend, it is quite unusual to have a genuinely reusable dress
When my daughter was a flower girl, we bought her dress, but there were loads of them and they all had their own choice of floral dress. They provided flowers.

I also think hen dos are out of control when they are extended trips abroad-basically dictating how people spend their holiday time and money.
Mine was overnight, but at my own house, and we did a cheap daytime activity and had a nice meal out. The daytime activity wasn't everyone's cup of tea so some came and some joined later. All totally fine.

I think that your head has got to rule your heart in this situation, and you simply cannot afford to be her bridesmaid.
Spending money that you cannot afford/do not have is always a bad idea, and would affect you life for many months.

Ask yourself who would you be doing this for? Is it so that you can keep up with richer friends, it sounds as though it is. If these are true friends, they will understand why you are not attending, and it won't change how they feel about you.

While it might be true that they are materially better off than you, you will have had rich life experiences of your own, and you should focus on your own personal successes which have made you who you are now.

She is a CF. It’s not expected for the bridesmaids to pay for their attire or accommodation. Say no, no way should you be paying that!

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses. That was a year long excruciating episode of petulant pouted lips, I’ll feeling and stress to even get that far. I didn’t ask them to wear specific make up or tell them how to wear their hair and I did my own make up so I didn’t fork out for theirs either. Weekend or week long hen dos abroad, is well I never had this either and when a family member did I declined as I couldn’t afford it. I expected to pay for their dress and shoes if they had wanted but that was it. I’m not getting myself in debt for one day. Even if it is my wedding day.

I agree with @Jen435 that it shouldn't cost the bridesmaids any more to attend a wedding than it would if they were normal guests.

When I got married (over 25 years ago) I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses, shoes and flowers, which included flowers for their hair. I asked the adult bridesmaid to wear a pearl necklace and earrings which I knew she already had.

I paid for her hair to be done, because she needed to have the flowers secured in her hair. The children didn't have their hair done in any special way and their mothers just sorted them out. I didn't pay for make up for adult bridesmaid, but neither of us had make up professionally done (I don't know anyone who did back then).

It wouldn't have occurred to me to pay for anyone's accommodation or travel, as they would have had to pay for that anyway if they had wanted or needed to stay the night.

I paid for everything for the bridesmaids. I can’t see why I wouldn’t have.

However, whilst I might expect to pay for the hotel for the night before the wedding for them i wouldn't expect to pay for the night after the wedding.

I don’t understand the distinction. They are expected to be there, why not pay for the night of the wedding? In the scheme of the overall budget, unless you had 10 of them, paying for a room for the night of the wedding is a drop in the bucket. Seems mean not to.

Bride should cover the costs of everything that's mandatory. So if she feels you must have professional make up, she should pay for it. If she wants you to have certain shoes, again she should pay. She could offer - if you want make up done it's £x or do your own make up....

I paid for everything for my bridesmaids other than the accommodation. The venue was fairly local so no one had to stay if they didn't want to. I paid for makeup, hair, dress and alterations, nails, shoes...

You don't need to have professional hair and makeup so just decline that part.

This is everything I hate about weddings. It's just so fake and pretentious and a complete waste of money for everyone involved.

Three times a bridesmaid - you'd be bankrupt, never mind never a bride!

And she expects a wedding gift on top? And a week-long hen-do?

This one's so cheeky I think you're better off backing down now. Might be a reality check for her that her the world does not revolve around her big day.

I really don't understand why all this "hair and make up" thing has become such of a "must do" for weddings- okay if the bride wants it for herself, but for bridesmaids, mother of the bride, grooms mother ........ we all know how to do our own hair and own makeup and feel comfortable with it! A week long hen-do ???? What did you not get out of your system before you decided to marry - or rather have a wedding.? So many people on here seem to confuse marriage and weddings.

I paid for dresses, make up, hair and night before accommodation but I only had my BF as MOH and my DSD as bridesmaid. Hen do of one night. Seems a bit cheeky to ask and expect people to pay!

If you were going as a regular guest, you'd be shelling out for travel, accommodation, dress, shoes, accessories, hair, makeup, and probably a wedding gift anyway, so I'm surprised you're surprised if you've been asked to contribute!

If I was going as a guest I would be doing my own hair and makeup and wearing a dress/shoes/accessories I already own! Do people really do all this for a wedding?

If I was going as a guest I would be doing my own hair and makeup and wearing a dress/shoes/accessories I already own!

Same here. I have never been able to understand the number of people who complain about the cost of going to a wedding. Do they really not already own any smart clothes and shoes? I would do my own hair and make up anyway.

My best friend is getting married next year. She has bought our dresses but we will be paying for shoes, hair, make up and accommodation. For her I'm happy to pay out.

I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends. We, the bridesmaids, chose our own dresses and the bride paid. She paid for our hair to be done (and a trial for the hair) and bought us all jewellery. We paid for our own shoes and other accessories, our own make-up and the hotel stay. She paid for dinner the night before and we had our breakfast (supplied by her mum) at the hairdressers on the morning of the wedding. I would have been staying over at the hotel even if I wasn't a bridesmaid so would have expected to pay that. I was happy to pay for the shoes etc and make up too.

I paid for my bridesmaid's dress & hair, she did her own makeup like me & wore her own shoes.

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0

I really don't understand why all this "hair and make up" thing has become such of a "must do" for weddings- okay if the bride wants it for herself, but for bridesmaids, mother of the bride, grooms mother ........ we all know how to do our own hair and own makeup and feel comfortable with it! A week long hen-do ???? What did you not get out of your system before you decided to marry - or rather have a wedding.? So many people on here seem to confuse marriage and weddings.

While I generally agree with this post, do we all know how to do our hair?

I can make it dry. I can put it in a pony tail. That's it. It certainly doesn't ever look anything special. I always thought hair is something it's really difficult to do for yourself.

I think the bride should pay for the dress, shoes and if they want a specific hair/make up then they should cover it, otherwise let the brides maids do their own. I am less sure about accommodation, I think I would see that as the individual guests responsibility.