Bridesmaid etiquette

[Dollycarton81]

If you asked someone to your bridesmaid would you expect to pay some or all costs. The dress is a given but what about hair and make up? Accommodation if it involves travelling and staying overnight?

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and other than the very cheap high street dress my friend is expecting us to fork out for everything else - our own hair and make up which is almost £100 not to mention two nights in the hotel where she's getting married. There will also be accessories such a shoes, a wedding gift, travel expenses. I predict that this wedding will cost me around £500 to attend. Is this the norm?

The issue I have is that she can definitely afford it. Her parents have paid a substantial amount for the wedding and her and her partner have very well paid jobs whereas this will be a real struggle for me to find this money. Oh and there's the week long hen doo abroad too....

I think whatever the bride wants, she should pay. Ie, if you have to have your hair and make up done then she should pay / if you can do your own then it could be optional. Same with shoes, wear your own but if she wants matching, she should pay.

For what it is worth, I paid for the hairdresser but not make up as we all (including me) did our own. For shoes, I told them the classic style and gave them all money towards them but they could choose their own for comfort.

I didn't pay for accommodation, some stayed, some didn't depending on where they lived (I was at home so no hotel).

I paid for my own shoes (£20) and the accom for the wedding (was a local Airbnb shared with another bridesmaid so not pricey).

Bride paid for my dress, flowers, hair and provided breakfast the morning of the wedding. No make up artist so we all did our own.

For my bridesmaids I bought the dress and their hair and make up. They paid for their travel, hotel stay, and they wore whatever shoes they wanted. If they hadn't been able to afford the travel/accommodation I probably would have offered to pay for it but it would have been expenses they'd have had anyway if they were coming just as guests. If any of my guests were unable to afford to come but I really really wanted them there, I would have offered to pay.

When I've been a bridesmaid for others it has been the same set up. My attitude is if you want them to look a certain way, you have to pay for it. It's a nice gesture to pay for accommodation but not necessary. Bridesmaids who expect for the bride to pay their travel and accommodation costs are CFs. Brides who have strops when their guests are not able to afford to go to their wedding/hen party are arseholes. Imagine expecting people to put themselves in debt your your special day. Fuck no!

Would expect (and did) pay for everything apart from accommodation and would have paid for that if they couldn't comfortably afford it.

I have been an adult bridesmaid 5 times, have never paid for my own hair (or make up if required). I've never bought precipice shoes, I've either used my own or bride has paid.

Accommodation, paid for once, provided at a relative's once and I paid 3 times.

When I have been a bridesmaid, dress hair and make up have been paid for, we wore our own shoes and paid to get to wedding like other guests.

Dress and hair we paid for if they wanted the make up they could pay our do their own, they wore their own shoes. Inregards to accommodation thats up to you if you Choose to stay over like any guest they would pay for themselves.

If you want to continue this friendship I’d just try and find a compromise, the dress is paid for, say you’ll do your own hair and make up, wear your own shoes. Tell her you can’t afford the abroad hen do but we could do X together to celebrate? Just a token gift for the wedding gift and maybe a lovely card? If you can’t afford two nights away offer to be there early on the day, you’d be paying for accommodation/travel for the wedding day as a guest anyway?

My bridesmaids provided their own shoes for their comfort. One had a pair already. One bought a new pair.

We did our own make up.

I paid for dresses, hair, other accessories.
They paid for the hotel, but the first night we stayed at mine anyway so that was one night less than some other guests.

Weddings were so much more fun in "my day" - got married in 1984. it was a medium sized wedding - 100 at the reception. I bought my dress off the peg at Laura Ashley and my bridesmaid wanted make her own, so i paid for the fabric and said she could make what she wanted as long as it went well with my dress. We did our own make up and just went to the local hairdresser in the morning. I made my own headdress, a lace band with a floppy bow, and the necklaces in pink beads and pearls we both wore. We told the hotel our budget and left them to devise everything in accordance with our expressed tastes. No hen do - I didn't know what a hen do was, so perhaps not invented then. DH went our for a quiet drink a couple of nights before with his male friends.
We were not being frugal, had a good budget but less was a lot more, no worry, everything taken care of and no obsession about getting everything at the pinnacle of perfection, just giving everyone from the children up to the oldest great uncle a good day out to celebrate our marriage.

Iv been a bridesmaid...

The bride bought my dress, shoes, accessories she wanted me to wear to match the dress etc. She also paid for my hair and make up to be done.

I would expect to pay for my own hotel and travel costs.

If she didn’t pay for my make up then I would of done it how I wanted and the same with my hair. I would of just curled it but she wanted an up do so she paid.

I would only pay for things if I could pick it like some of the examples above... would of used my own shoes (that matched) but she wanted me to wear a certain type so she paid.

We paid for bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup and gave them £50 towards their shoes so that they could choose their own.
Weddings are notoriously expensive for guests, the last thing I would want to do is make people more out of pocket than they need to be.

I think dresses should definitely be paid for. So should shoes if the bride wants everyone to wear the same shoes.
If the bride is organizing a hairdresser and make-up artist to come in and get everyone ready then she should pay for this. If she says that people can do their own hair and make-up then not.
The accommodation is tricky. I would expect to pay for my own. However as she is insisting that everyone turns up for a compulsory dinner the night before then really she should offer to pay one night.

I think she sounds lie a pain actually without thinking of anyone else. Also I think that in these Corona times (sorry to mention it) but people should be even more careful to think about what expenses they are imposing on others and what an individual's situation might be with regard to finances.

As a bridesmaid at the beginning of the year:

Bride paid for:
Dress
Hair
Makeup
Shoes
Bag

I paid for:
One night in the wedding venue (OH stayed in it too)
Spray tan (which was optional)

I think paying for the hotel seems fair, but anything pertaining specifically to you being bridesmaid that she has insisted upon should be paid for by the bride.

It doesn't matter what you think is fair and what she thinks is fair, if you complain it will very likely rub her up the wrong way, which might impact your friendship. It's up to you whether you want to do that or not.

If you asked to do your own hair and makeup would she 'allow' it? If not, then she should be paying for it!

I have 6 bridesmaids, I'm paying for dresses, hair or makeup (will let them decide which, anticipate whichever they dont go for they will do themself) & flowers. Their dresses are floor length so they can wear their own shoes but hopefully their choices will be similar ish. They're all local enough to come up on the day and drive home if they don't drink, otherwise one of them lives close to the venue and I'm hoping she will offer her living room to those that don't want to pay for a hotel 😬 they'll have to pay for their place on the hen do which will be a night away in a country house with hot tub, pampering etc. But the organisers have been asked to keep it less than £100pp.

Hoping that's a good compromise for everyone.

It is so selfish and vain to expect bridesmaids to pay for everything themselves. I mean they'll be happy for you, but your big day wont mean as much to them as it will to you. I think people forget that!

I am sorry you feel insecure about your financial situation. If your friends are decent people then they should absolutely understand and not judge you in any way. I think you have to be honest and simply say that you would absolutely love to be her bridesmaid but you cannot afford it. She should understand. Also make sure (once you have told her) that your other friends know why you've declined. Time to swallow your pride and just be honest. Also, if I was saving up for my wedding next spring I probably wouldn't have spare cash anyway!

You have a family, have obviously successfully been a single mum (hardest job ever) and have now found someone to settle down with. Just because you don't have huge finances doesn't mean you have anything to feel unsuccessful about.

I've been BM a few times and I honestly think the bride should pay for everything. If you are having a destination wedding then have less BM so you can pay for their hotel room. I've had to pay for hair and make up and overnight stay and it was galling.

Don't be embarrassed about not having the money to spare, OP. There's nothing wrong with your life choices, they're just different to most of your friends (and the kids will have brought more joy to your life than money ever could).

The reality for millions of people in this country is that paying out £500 for someone else's wedding would mean missing out on a holiday that year or having to cut back in ways that impact on the family. It's just not acceptable.

The only person who should be embarrassed here is the bride, for being a self-centred knob head.

Imo being a bm is a favour to the B&G so why should it cost you anything? It isn't an honour bestowed upon you that you throw ££££ at merrily!! Bit of cfuckery throwing add ons at you like hotels and hair /make up expectations!!

I paid for dress, shoes, jewellery, hair piece and hair and makeup for all 5 of my bridesmaids. We didn't pay for accommodation but did pay for food whilst we were away. Was made very clear that we didn't expect anyone to attend and that we wouldn't be upset at anyone declining as it was our choice to go away (not abroad, but a different country in UK). In fact, DH's DF and SM didn't attend. We didn't specify where people needed to stay or when they had to travel etc. I absolutely wouldn't have expected my bridesmaids to pay for anything associated with how I wanted them to look on the day, that's ridiculous.

We paid for everything for our BMs, I wanted 5, but went with 3 so could cover all the costs. I’ve been Bm now to all 3 and they’ve paid for all my stuff to-
So hair, dress, make up and shoes, necklace

Oh we paid our own accommodation for the night.

Just to clarify I would totally expect to pay for the accommodation. I wasn't expecting them to foot the bill for that I was just highlighting how expensive the whole thing is going to be.

Having said that, her dad has booked a significant amount of rooms for family (some are travelling in from the US) which he has paid for. Friends, bridesmaids and everyone else have been told to book theirs separately.

That's a lot to fork out OP, perhaps decline and wish them a lovely day but say you can't afford it.

I have been bridesmaid twice. Dresses paid for; shoes were not even when the bride specified them. Make up we did ourselves. Hairdressers were arranged by the brides - one paid, one didn't. Jewellery (not expensive!!) was our gift from the groom.

My POV on it is that any cost that is above and beyond what a guest would pay should be covered by the bride.

So for mine, I paid for dresses, hair and makeup (in whatever style they wanted), flowers, and bought them a gift. They wore shoes they already had.

I also found them (through friends) a rental cottage for them and their +1s (also friends of ours, if that makes a difference) at a very low price for the location and season.