Bridesmaid etiquette

[Dollycarton81]

If you asked someone to your bridesmaid would you expect to pay some or all costs. The dress is a given but what about hair and make up? Accommodation if it involves travelling and staying overnight?

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and other than the very cheap high street dress my friend is expecting us to fork out for everything else - our own hair and make up which is almost £100 not to mention two nights in the hotel where she's getting married. There will also be accessories such a shoes, a wedding gift, travel expenses. I predict that this wedding will cost me around £500 to attend. Is this the norm?

The issue I have is that she can definitely afford it. Her parents have paid a substantial amount for the wedding and her and her partner have very well paid jobs whereas this will be a real struggle for me to find this money. Oh and there's the week long hen doo abroad too....

You don’t have to say yes to being bridesmaid if it’s going to leave you out of pocket.

I paid for dress, hair, make up and accommodation night before and night of.
Shoes and hair accessories I didn’t because I just asked them to wear something comfortable (preferably their prom shoes) and their hair accessories were their prom tiaras. Both of my bridesmaids had just had their college and secondary school proms and I knew they had silver accessories.
I did buy my follower girls hair accessory because she didn’t already have one and I made her a clip out of ribbon from my own dress.
I also paid for my friend to stay the night before, (she was giving a reading), my flower girl and her mum, my mum and my best friend mum.
If she didn’t discuss with you the cost, I would be questioning why she’s asked you all to be bridesmaids!

Getting married next year too, we’ve paid for dresses, makeup, hair, shoes (only because the dresses are tea length) and jewellery for the day as their present.

They can stay at the hotel we’re having the wedding in if they want, we got reduced rates, or we have a bus they can get on if they want to go home.

If you can’t afford to be her bridesmaid, just tell her.

As a bride I paid for dresses, stoles, shoes, hair, makeup, necklaces and accommodation for one of the two nights.

Based on previous times as a bridesmaid, I'd say that I don't think paying for hotel room is standard or should be expected (although it's a nice thing to do), but I'd say dresses, hair and makeup (if expecting to get it professionally done) and a gift (usually jewellery to wear on the day) is probably the norm/standard for a UK wedding.

I paid absolutely everything for them!

When I got married I bought dresses and alterations, hair and jewellery. All of us did our own make up as i wasn't happy with the MUA I originally chose. They wore their own shoes as I wasn't fussed what shoes they wore. Some booked the hotel, some got a taxi home.

My bridesmaids paid for their accommodation (in the UK but where I grew up) and they also provided their own shoes so they could choose something comfortable that they'd wear again. One of them bought new shoes, the other wore a pair she already owned - I really didn't mind. They also paid to take part in my local hen do (about £35). Apart from that I covered everything, including a meal out for them and their husbands (and kids in one case) the night before the wedding.

As other have said I’d say a good rule of thumb is that the bride should put for all costs over and above just a normal guest would be - so if she’s dictating hair, make up, shoes, dress, then all of the above should be covered. If she’s happy for you to do your own hair and makeup and is whatever about shoes then you should cover that (and do/wear your own). Likewise accommodation - if you were going to pay out anyway as a guest I wouldn’t expect the bride to pay, but if she’s asking you to stay over the night before for a reason other than travel; or to stay in a more expensive suite/hotel; then I’d expect them to cover that too.

I wouldn’t expect her to pay for you to come to the hen do - presumably that’s something you’d do as a guest anyway? And presumably as a bridesmaid you can have an input and suggest some cheaper/free things to include to bring costs down?

I think that if you want bridesmaids then you pay for them, I think it's distasteful to expect them to pay for what you want. However some may want to pay for themselves but I think people who expect everyone to fork out are just greedy

I think the norm is for the bride to pay for dress, hair and make up and the bridesmaid to pay for accommodation. That’s what I did and what happened when I was a bridesmaid.

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, their hair, jewelry, handbags and shawls. I didn't pay for make up as one bridesmaid doesn't wear it, and the other preferred to do her own. They kept the dresses etc.

I didn't pay for shoes as I was happy for them to wear their own, which they both did. Their dresses were the same colour and fabric from the same shop, but in different styles so they each wore shoes they already had which matched their chosen dress.

I have foot issues so I didn't feel comfortable dictating anyone's shoes - I just wanted them to feel comfortable, hence the different dresses. They had different hairstyles too, of their own choosing.

They paid for their own accommodation. They paid for drinks etc. on the hen, but we attended an attraction of my choosing, and I paid for their tickets.

We paid for the BMs’ dresses, shoes, shrugs, hair, make up, two nights at the hotel including dinner on the first night. It’s not fair to make them pay.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid years ago - then told I would have to pay for my dress (of the bride's choosing). Obviously I declined.
Accommodation is fair enough to pay out for, but everything else should be covered by bride and groom, unless it is super low key, wear whatever you want type of day.

No option to travel to and from the venue as it's 2 hours drive away! She wants us there the night before for a meal and then to be up early for getting ready.

My issue is that she has form for being rather self centred and oblivious to the issues of other people. She's never had to worry about money so I just feel like she doesn't understand it can be a struggle for other people.

If I decline it will cause a lot of offence. Hair and make up I'd do myself but I'm rubbish at both and would probably feel crap compared to the others having theirs professionally done. But I think suggesting that could also be seen as a big snub as she's got fixed ideas for how she wants our hair

Overall I do think it's a lot to ask. Dp and I get married next spring and have opted for a small family wedding to avoid all of these additional costs. I'd love to have my friends there but I couldn't afford to pay for this sort of stuff and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them to fork out themselves. My friend just doesn't seem to have that worry and is fully committed to a massive wedding even if it's costs others money to take part.

I think you should decline. If I was asked to be a bridesmaid I would expect the bride to cover the cost of the dress, hair and make up and possibly shoes but I wouldn't expect her to pay for everything else. I wouldn’t expect the bride to pay for me to attend hen dos or the wedding venue. I assumed that was the general norm?

Could you really not stretch to having your hair and make up done for a special occasion? As you said you’ll feel rubbish if they’re all getting done and you’re doing your own.

You shouldn't have to pay if it's a struggle, there is no point struggling or getting into debt to be a bridesmaid.

You will have to come clean and say you can't afford it. Do your own hair and make up, drive up early on the morning, stay in a cheaper nearby hotel that evening. If she is a friend she will understand when you've pointed it out, and if not then you will have to say it's better for both of you to attend the wedding as a regular guest if being s bridesmaid is going to cause you to struggle financially and she has set ideas about what she expects from that role that you cant fulfill

She is being unbearably presumptuous by assuming everyone is prepared to cough up large amounts for her benefit, especially for things she’s chosen eg hair and makeup. If she’s not paying, she’s not choosing.

Maybe call her bluff - say you'll have to do your own hair and make up, and you're sure she'll understand if you join her early on the day of the wedding as the hotel stay isn't in your budget. If she offers to pay, great, if not you don't have to pay out.

Really consider declining, it'll only escalate with more demands & costs.

I bought my bridesmaids' dresses, they used existing shoes & one did her own hair & make up, the other had it done by a friend. I didn't care how their hair & make up were done, I wanted them to feel comfortable on the day rather than dictating specific hair style etc

I do find it odd that you can e close enough to someone to be their bridesmaid but not close enough to say "I'm really sorry but all this expense is just too much for me" and have a discussion about where the priorities are and if/how she can help.

My rule of thumb if I was the bride, would be that I would pay for all bridesmaids hair, makeup and dresses.
If I was expecting them to travel more than half an hour from their homes to the wedding, I'd pay for a nice Air B and B for us all.
I wouldnt pay for accommodation after the wedding as bridesmaids might have own plans with partners then. I wouldnt expect presents from bridesmaids either

We had a destination wedding (UK). We paid for accommodation, dresses, shoes and a gift, we all did our own hair and makeup.

Nah she is taking the piss. I had 5 bridesmaids (too many!) And I paid for dress, jewellery and room at the hotel the night before. They all wanted a different shoe (i.e. some heels some flats) so they got the shoes themselves. I didnt pay for hair and make up but also didnt expect anything specific. For those who chose to stay at the hotel overnight (was easy enough for most to go home if they wanted to) I paid for their breakfast the next morning.

She is being totally unreasonable!

"I love you so much bride, but I just don't have the funds to be able to afford all the costs associated with being your bridesmaid right now. As much as it kills me, please can I attend as a regular guest instead?"

Anything that doesn't come with a choice should be paid for by the bride. I'd compromise by saying you'll do your own hair and make up on the day (practise lots if you need to) and drive up early morning to get ready with them. If she says that those two things are non-negiotiable, she should be paying for them.