Bridesmaid etiquette

[Dollycarton81]

If you asked someone to your bridesmaid would you expect to pay some or all costs. The dress is a given but what about hair and make up? Accommodation if it involves travelling and staying overnight?

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and other than the very cheap high street dress my friend is expecting us to fork out for everything else - our own hair and make up which is almost £100 not to mention two nights in the hotel where she's getting married. There will also be accessories such a shoes, a wedding gift, travel expenses. I predict that this wedding will cost me around £500 to attend. Is this the norm?

The issue I have is that she can definitely afford it. Her parents have paid a substantial amount for the wedding and her and her partner have very well paid jobs whereas this will be a real struggle for me to find this money. Oh and there's the week long hen doo abroad too....

Yes also think it depends on the situation. I was bridesmaid to my BF and she paid for dress as it was her choice. We did each others hair and make up, and I bought by own shoes, since she was happy for us to have whatever we wanted. I'll be doing the same when I get married next year. Also was a bridesmaid at another occasion, bride wanted a particular hair style so she paid for hair, we did our own make up. We paid for dress on that occasion but I didn't mind (although it's not what I would do) as we were all fresh out of uni and struggling, it wasn't expensive and we had a very real say in the dress.

In your situation I'd say: she pays for hair and make up if she has specific style in mind. If not, you do your own. She pays for dress. You should pay for travel and accommodation. You can say that you'll be staying at cheaper accommodation if you can't afford her suggested one.

I was supposed to get married in May. I paid for dresses, alterations and was going to pay for hair and make up. They were offered shoes but wanted to wear ones they already owned, as they weren’t visible. They didn’t need to stay over the night before, and both opted to stay the night of with their partners so they were paying for that.

We’re now getting married in a few weeks. I’ve bought new dresses, there’s no accommodation. They were offered hair & make up, I was going to pay 50% of their costs if they wanted it done, but it was banned on Friday so we’ll all be doing our own.

Fiancé has lost his job, so we’re not quite in the position that we were in when I asked them - and to be honest, I didn’t really want bridesmaids, but they asked to be and have been keen to still attend as “bridesmaids” even though they’ve have no duties, for either wedding. I’ve done all the planning and things with fiancé.

Talk to her, she should be understanding if she feels close enough to you to have you as a bridesmaid - or just ask her to attend as a guest instead. I’m sure she’ll be okay with it.

She should pay for dress hair and makeup. If she's deciding on new shoes those as well ( my bridesmaids wore their own). I wouldn't expect her to pay for accommodation for you and buying a gift is the norm (the couple should buy the BMs a thank you gift too though).

If you can't afford the accommodation then you need to have an honest conversation with her.

Bridesmaid can pay for anything they can reuse - so if it’s a plain not obviously bridesmaid dress or if they can pick within the colour scheme then they can pay for the dress, pay for shoes if they can choose, same for jewellery. Defo not hair or make up.

That’s the logic I worked on anyway. Same for groomsmen - we paid for suits, they wore their own ties and shoes.

Oh and you pay for your own accommodation - you’d need that regardless as a guest of the wedding.

Chose dresses and ballet shoes for DH'S nieces who were 4,5 6, and 7. DMIL kindly paid. No make-up and mums did the hair themselves.
If you have child bridesmaids there is more champagne for the grown-ups !

I think it's tacky asking people to be a bridesmaid and then asking them to pay for the 'privilege'. I was asked by a relative to be her bridesmaid but buy my own dress, but it had to be from a specific (expensive) bridal company! In the end she did pay for it (and she absolutely could afford it), but I thought it was a cheek to have expected it. And I hate the 'you can wear the dress again' nonsense (which was her line when she was asking to buy), I have never worn a bridesmaid dress again.

I paid for the first night's accommodation at a cheap chain hotel, but then the wedding involved 2 nights at a castle, which was covered.

Being a bridesmaid is an 'honor' I could do without honestly, with my relative's wedding it meant I missed out on family socialising due to having to attend dinners etc with the bridal party, all of whom were friends of the bride and I didn't know (relative is from across the Atlantic, but wedding was done in Europe) and weren't the friendliest bunch. If I'd had to pay for that experience, I would have topped myself.

I paid for dresses, shoes, and flowers for my bridesmaids. I said I didn't mind how they did their hair and make-up so wouldn't be paying for it to be professionally done. We married in the town we live in so didn't pay for accommodation for anyone.

One of my bridesmaids asked me to be her Matron-of-Honour. I then found out she expected me to pay for my own dress (she chose it, £350 plus alterations so another £40) buy my own shoes, pay for professional make-up artist, two nights hotel accommodation, special dressing gown, and a hen weekend abroad. The costs just went up and up.

At the point she said I needed to buy my own dress I told her no, that I would not be MOH.

All the bridesmaid’s costs should be covered. It’s an honour to be asked but it shouldn’t put you out of pocket.

Unless the wedding is first thing in the morning a two hour drive is doable easily. If she wants you there the night before she is more than welcome to pay for it. Same with the hair etc.
I got married last year and for my bridesmaids I paid for the dress, hair, makeup, nails and gave them a gift. Basically everything except the shoes because they had some that were ideal and it was their suggestion to wear them. If not I would have been happy to pay for shoes.
Saying she's being a diva is an understatement

@Chocolateandamaretto

Oh and you pay for your own accommodation - you’d need that regardless as a guest of the wedding.

Only if its not dictated where you stay. Id be happy in a travelodge

My bridesmaids had everything paid for apart from shoes. I asked them to wear a light colour. One bought new. The other used some she had. They were local and went home so no on costs. My hen night was an evening having fun / drinking at someone’s house. These long, expensive hen dos are really unfair on those, who can’t or don’t want to go on them.

If you tell the bride and she scoffs, it tells you everything about her. As for not getting on in life, you have a different life from them. You’ve had children young and have years to find your niche or study and find a career.

I paid for dresses, alterations, hair/makeup and accommodation. I only asked they provide their own shoes. I wasn’t fussy about what shoes they wore (with the exception of trainers) as the dresses were floor length/maxi dresses and wanted them to be comfortable.

Hair and makeup if it's a particular set style the bride wants you to have she pays. Otherwise you fund / do yourself but have it how you like.

I didn't pay for my bridesmaids shoes. But as they had long dresses on where you couldn't see them they could wear what they wanted and at least they'd be able to wear them more than once.

I had a similar situation around 5 years ago. Wedding was in the middle of nowhere so had to stay 2 nights in the only hotel which costed £120 PP.
Then, as bridesmaids we had to pay £70 each towards dresses, on the train getting there it costed me £90 return. Then, wedding present costs.
There was a 3-day hen do but I couldn't attend. I spent over £300 all in all, hen do would have cost another £300.

I could never justify asking or expecting somebody else to spend hundreds of pounds because I have decided to get married.

Bride pays for dress, shoes, flowers, hair & makeup (if professionally done). Bridesmaid pays what it would normally cost to attend a wedding - travel, accommodation on the evening of the wedding, gift. If the bride wants you the night before she should pay.

Hen do is optional if it's abroad, you can decline based on cost.

If she's a real friend she will understand.

I didn't pay everything, but that's mainly because i spent most of the budget on their dresses... just shy of £300 each .

I paid for their hair, but couldn't afford to pay for their make up - they chipped in for that, but obviously could have done their own. They paid for their own shoes & bags, but just used what they had - you couldn't see shoes anyway. They did have to pay for their room, but I paid for the spa day the day before.

I think the main thing is discussing it with them before hand - and listen if they can't afford it!

When I got married I paid for dress, alterations, shoes and bag. I wasn’t bothered what they did with their hair, make up or accessories so they paid for them. They chose to have their hair and make up done rather than doing it themselves so they paid for it.

Be thankful you are not from the US where bridesmaids are expected to buy their own dresses too...

Dictating hair and makeup when you have to pay is a bit much (although I think it's okay to offer hairdresser/makeup artist as long as there is the option to do your own).

Wouldn't expect bride to pay for shoes unless she is dictating new ones.

Overnight costs/ wedding gift would be the same if you were a guest and a lot of people (not me, but a lot of people!) would pay for a new dress, shoes, hair and nails anyway. Weddings are expensive if you are a bridesmaid or not.

If you were going as a regular guest, you'd be shelling out for travel, accommodation, dress, shoes, accessories, hair, makeup, and probably a wedding gift anyway, so I'm surprised you're surprised if you've been asked to contribute!

If you can't afford it, thank her for asking and tell her you'd love to be a bridesmaid but you budget is tight so you'll do your own hair and make up and will arrange your own (cheaper) accommodation, and would it be OK to wear your own shoes in a complimentary colour etc etc? If she's a good friend, she'll say yes or help come to a workable a solution. If she says no, she's being bridezilla already, and you can choose to decline being a bridesmaid if you want.

General rule is, if it is requested by the bride, she pays for it. For example, if you are expected to wear matching shoes, I would expect her to pay. If you wear whatever shoes you want, you pay.

Bride pays for everything (unless it is something you really want and will reuse) and gives you a gift!

If money is tight everyone does own hair and makeup.

I'd decline.

The bride bought my dress. The couple paid for the hotel on the night of the wedding, but we paid for the night before at a reduced rate. I did my own hair and makeup, bought my own shoes and wore my own jewellery.

I'm another bride (postponed wedding) and we are paying for their dresses, alterations, hair, make up, jewelry, night before accommodation and if they want it shoes but said I was happy for them to wear their own as long as they are a certain colour and if they don't have any let me know and I'll pay.

I had two bridesmaids and paid for everything. Dress, shoes, jewellery, flowers, hair and make up but they could still have it how they wanted. I also paid for them to stay with me at the hotel the night before so we could all get ready together etc.

The only thing they had to sort was money for drinks and a taxi home or the room for a night if they wanted to stay over. I wouldn't have made them stay though, they could have chosen a twin room and shared to make it cheaper. One stayed and one went home as it was only 10mins in a taxi for her.

I absolutely wouldn't ask someone to be BM and then ask them to pay for things. Cheeky fucker I'd say.