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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

231 replies

CathyTre · 03/08/2020 19:35

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

OP posts:
LolaSkoda · 04/08/2020 00:48

They aren’t other people. They’re the victims of the OP’s son. You don’t know if they were aware he had been drinking.

Don’t victim blame. It’s not on.

Grandmi · 04/08/2020 00:54

As a mum I really do feel absolutely gutted for you . We do everything to hopefully give our children a good start in life and then ..bang one act of stupidity destroys it all !! My advice is to be bloody relieved that he is ok and that absolutely no one was injured!! I think your son will be feeling bad enough without any more guilt trips . Good luck op 💐

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 04/08/2020 01:22

I did a lot of stupid things when I was your son's age. I don't remember ever endangering the lives of others, but I certainly endangered my own on plenty of occasions. When I now look back on the things I did then it feels like a lifetime ago - almost as if I was a different person. At 19 he's basically still a kid and he has a lot to learn. He's going to change a lot.

He has been given a second chance here. Hopefully he will learn from this and grow as a person.

KorkMum · 04/08/2020 01:29

Wouldn't blame you but your son deserves all he gets he could have killed someone. Luckily he took the most damage and not his passenger or anyone else. Stupid boy.

KorkMum · 04/08/2020 01:34

Agree with the comments that drink driving is not a normal part of growing up. Intentionally getting in a car drunk knowing you could kill a child or another person is not part of growing up. Do let him know how ashamed you are I hope he doesn't endanger people again. Killing himself by his stupid actions is one thing but hurting other people is not on.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 04/08/2020 01:48

@CathyTre

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.
He earned his driving licence, he knows the rules, he is almost 20 and you feel responsible for being a crap parent? Good to know that nobody has been seriously injured but your son is going on 20 not 2, if he has the responsibilty of a driving licence then it is his and not yours.
1WildTeaParty · 04/08/2020 08:31

Drink-driving might not be a normal part of growing up but making foolish choices and very regrettable decisions (especially about drink) is.

Bright -well brought up- loveable teens do make terrible snap judgments, especially when with friends.

They are frequently involved in incidents that forethought and 'common' sense should protect them from. Luckily these don't usually end in court or worse...but they often could.

'Almost 20' - so 19- is not fully grown up but is also not fully independent either.

I have sympathy and respect for the OP.

Justaboy · 04/08/2020 08:33

I know of someone who has just been charged with driving under the influence. Now if you knew him spoke to him you'd wonder why he did what he did. Someone got injured the cyclist who was hospitilised for a couple of days.

He will now loose his job his insurance when he starts driving again with be a LOT more than it is now, he will have to sell his car as he won't be able to afford the HP payments on it.

Thing is he wasn't a 20 year old he's a 38 year old with a resposible job.

Just liked the odd can of pop now and again he wasnt that much over the limit but it was his imparied ability to cope with a small error of jugement of when to hit the windscreen washer wipers on his car! he did that at prescisly the wrong moment the screen went opaque he didnt see the victim..

LilaButterfly · 04/08/2020 08:38

Honestly, this is in no way your fault. All we can do is teach them and after that, they make their own decisions. He made a very bad one.
I would just be glad hes alive and nobody else got majorly injured and hope hes learnt his lesson.
My brother lost his license several times at that age. He didnt drink and drive, but he was speeding like crazy. He lost his license for a year at one point and my parents refused to drive him around. That was over 10 years ago and he hasnt gotten a single ticket since.
People learn from their mistakes and they grow up.

thedancingbear · 04/08/2020 09:14

^Drink-driving might not be a normal part of growing up but making foolish choices and very regrettable decisions (especially about drink) is.

Bright -well brought up- loveable teens do make terrible snap judgments, especially when with friends.^

FFS. so much minimising. Like drink driving is some kind of youthful high-jinks.

If he is capable of crashing his car after six pints, he is none of 'bright', 'well brought up' or 'lovable'. He's a callous little criminal.

julybaby32 · 04/08/2020 09:15

Op, his actions were entire his own.

You actions are entirely your own, including the decision to start this thread when you sure knew it was going to hurt a lot of people who have lost a loved one or had their lives damaged by drink drivers. You decided that that risks of doing to other people what were going to be outweighed by the benefits received by you.
.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 04/08/2020 09:17

Drink drivers deserve all they get. Scum. If he's old enough to drive, he's old enough to be responsible for himself.

thedancingbear · 04/08/2020 09:18

OP, you might want to show your son this thread. It might help emphasise the gravity of his actions.

julybaby32 · 04/08/2020 09:19

You may want to take some legal advice to see if you should ask for this to be taken down, if there is going to be a criminal prosecution.

thedancingbear · 04/08/2020 09:23

You may want to take some legal advice to see if you should ask for this to be taken down, if there is going to be a criminal prosecution.

Why? To improve the chances of him escaping the consequences of his actions?

TableFlowerss · 04/08/2020 10:27

@julybaby32

You may want to take some legal advice to see if you should ask for this to be taken down, if there is going to be a criminal prosecution.
Genuine question- why would this thread need to be deleted? There’s no personal details on of the person involved and it was just the mum asking for advice.

If anyone’s committed a crime or potentially committed a crime and there’s potential for it to go to court etc...even celebs, then things are often discussed on public forums?

What makes it ok in some instances and not others?

I won’t name any in particular, but currently there are 2 cases in the public domain I can think of and people have written all sorts on various forums, newspaper comments sections, other social media platforms.

So I just wonder why it’s ok to discus some things and not others. Genuine genuine question as I’ve seen so much about a few different cases across every platform going.

HeronLanyon · 04/08/2020 10:35

From my reading of it (could be wrong) ops son made full remorseful admission and so will be pleading guilty. Magistrates it crown court judge will sentence. It’s when there is a trial with a jury that it becomes potential contamination of the jury.
Judges/mags aren’t improperly swayed At sentence - there is a very clear procedure guidelines guideline cases and much has to be contained in sentencing remarks etc.
So no need for this post to be taken down.if he were denying it then yes.

TableFlowerss · 04/08/2020 10:39

@HeronLanyon

From my reading of it (could be wrong) ops son made full remorseful admission and so will be pleading guilty. Magistrates it crown court judge will sentence. It’s when there is a trial with a jury that it becomes potential contamination of the jury. Judges/mags aren’t improperly swayed At sentence - there is a very clear procedure guidelines guideline cases and much has to be contained in sentencing remarks etc. So no need for this post to be taken down.if he were denying it then yes.
Ahh I see what your saying. A judge would see past public opinion but jury members could be influenced?

What happens in high profile cases then we’re info is in the public domain and everyone has as opinion on everything and is happy to tell the world what they think?

It’s quite interring.

HeronLanyon · 04/08/2020 10:49

Well if it’s sentencing judges are permitted (in unusual circs) to pass a sentence which includes dealing with prevalence and is therefore increased (eg after riots etc) but even if you have people outside cour baying for a high sentence or whatever it won’t affect sentence (there may be recognition in sentencing remarks and longer explanation if the sentence)
If a sentence is outside of the range expected then there may be a ground of appeal to reduce it heard by court of appeal. It could be ‘notoriety allowed the judge to become swayed by public opinion and passed a longer than appropriate sentence ‘ but court of appeal would still be applying guidelines/sentencing authorities etc
Sorry long.

Badbadbunny · 04/08/2020 10:58

As long as the OP didn't "facilitate" this, i.e. by lying on the insurance application to get cheaper/affordable insurance (i.e. saying she was the main driver of his car etc), then she's not to blame.

TableFlowerss · 04/08/2020 11:09

@HeronLanyon

Well if it’s sentencing judges are permitted (in unusual circs) to pass a sentence which includes dealing with prevalence and is therefore increased (eg after riots etc) but even if you have people outside cour baying for a high sentence or whatever it won’t affect sentence (there may be recognition in sentencing remarks and longer explanation if the sentence) If a sentence is outside of the range expected then there may be a ground of appeal to reduce it heard by court of appeal. It could be ‘notoriety allowed the judge to become swayed by public opinion and passed a longer than appropriate sentence ‘ but court of appeal would still be applying guidelines/sentencing authorities etc Sorry long.
It sounds complicated - from the view of a lay person Confused haha but I kind of see what you mean.
cologne4711 · 04/08/2020 11:17

Well I brought him up. And he was twice the drink drive limit

You are not in any way to blame. I have said this plenty of times on here, but children (and definitely young adults) have free will and they don't always (or ever) do what their parents want them to do - and often that's a good thing if the parent has a dodgy moral compass and the child does not.

Someone who drink drives is an idiot. He will get punished. He will hopefully learn and never do it again. Nothing to do with your "parenting".

malificent7 · 04/08/2020 11:18

Our children are seperate entities and will often make mistakes irrespective of how they parent. Give yourself a break op but do express your dissapointment to him.

DullDullWeather · 04/08/2020 11:22

OP don't beat yourself up

We are responsible for bringing up our children, yes.
We are not responsible for them, or their actions, when they are 20.
He has made a stupid error, but nobody died as you state, and will hopefully learn from this .
12 month ban and a fine he will likely get . 6 month ban if he agrees to attend a drivers awareness course thing .

DullDullWeather · 04/08/2020 11:23

@malificent7 actually sums it up better than me.

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