My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

[CathyTre]

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

@Madein1995

Its not your fault op i promise you. Even if you think it is, NEVER voice that to your son. I work with offenders in my job and the best gift a dsmily can do is not minimising his offence and letting him face consequences for eg if he has to get places let him get the bus, and set off an hour earlier if necessary . Dont give him too much sympathy either, i dont mean be horrid,but most definitely do not agree woth any poor me speeches he gives.

Does he understand the impaxt his actions could havr had? How he could now be sat in a prison cell having killed someone? What is his drinking like in general?
Hopefully when he goes to court theyll goce him some programmes, which is part of my job. DIDS is such an informative course, and it really hammers home the consequences and how to avoid it and improving knowledge.

Please dont blame yourself. Its a myth that people commit offences becsuse of their background. True, our background influences us. So does our friends, our colleagues , the media, previous experiences etc. And even in cases where people have had awful experiences it isnt helpful to dwell too long on it from a rehabilitation pov, unless for coundelling etc. Because we csnt change others but we can change ourselves, and the focus must be on that. If he goes on probation which im sure he will, his offender manager will likely do a lot of work around this with him

But as i say dont make life easy for him
While hes injured obviously help to an extent but no mollycoddling or spoiling him. Dont be cold towards him but let him face the consequences. Dont be one of them mums sat in probation waiting rooms, arms linked, waiting to tell stsff what they think of them! Be honest too about how toure feeling about it all. I do s lot of work with offenders and when theyre discussing the inpact on their mums and children and partners, thats where they express most regret and for some they resolve not to do it again. Dont hide your sadness about it all

Excellent advice

19/20 year old boys do stupid stuff. It's rather the nature of the beast. He's lucky it wasn't worse, and honestly, some broken bones could be considered natures retribution/karma.
Kids like him are the reason insurance premiums are so high for his age group.

OP, unless you modelled dangerous/drink driving to him when he was younger, in no way are you responsible for his behaviour.

He's getting his punishment in terms of the physical injuries, and whatever charges the police give him. I'd also make a point of not helping him out financially when the time comes to buy a new car. No help with insurance (which will be horrendous - rightly), no help with deposit.

I'm sure he now appreciates the cost of his actions, but some long-term consequences, including the bank of mum and dad staying closed, will really help him learn his lesson.

19 year old in our community died last week from drink driving. He was a great kid. Very much part of the community, very much liked.

He messed up, he made a wrong decision. An now the family suffer his consequences.

You're allowed to feel how you feel. We spend our life trying to teach our kids right from wrong. But in the end they'll make the decision. It zero reflection on you. Have you had a chat with your son?

You sound like a responsible parent. He’s an adult and is responsible for himself. He should think himself lucky he’s not killed anyone. I don’t think you should blame yourself unless drink driving has been the norm as he’s grown up, which it clearly hasn’t. Don’t be hard on yourself 💐

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

We had a very close relative who had an alcohol addiction and one of their gripes was drink driving. It almost tore the family apart so I completely empathise with your feelings of guilt.

However, this is in no way your fault.

He made a very, very selfish and stupid decision. You could not have stopped him, you could not have controlled him. At twenty you think you're invincible, bad things don't happen to you and there's nothing in the world that could be your fault.

Sadly, he's had to learnt the hard way that that is simply not true. I imagine all of you are very much in a state of shock if not suffering to an extent with PTSD.

If nothing else, the positive of this situation is that this will be the first and last time he will ever drive drunk.

I'm unsure from your post whether he faces a custodial sentence, but the fact he is very reserved shows the incident has had the 'correct impact', as harsh as that sounds.

He feels guilty and he knows what a terrible call of judgement he made - his remorse shows you've done your job as a Mum. Support each other and be kind to yourself, so many families have not been as lucky.

One day this will be a terrible memory that I'm sure will serve as a turning point in his maturity. He made his decision - this in no way is your fault.

I'm not minimising drink-driving (for very particular reasons as you see above) it is a terrible thing as everyone has said.

However, I do see a difference between a 19 year old making one very stupid drunken (unlawful and potentially lethal) decision on one occasion and an experienced adult deciding that the laws don't apply to them as they regularly drive home from the pub after a few pints - or to work the morning after.

The results could be terrible in either case - thank-goodness they weren't this time, and that the OP's son lived to learn and grow up and do better.

I'm not sure either way, which is why I suggested legal advice. Quite possibly Mumsnet have a their own legal advisors who can help. It is without names, but arguably there might be enough specific details in subsequent posts - the age, the combination of injuries, the number of passengers, their lack of injuries the exact nature of what was drunk and the timing that might be considered so non- specific that it would be recognisable for people actually involved in the case. GDPR training from work was very clear indeed that just omitting names was not considered making something sufficiently anonymous. Now it might be that OP is really and uncle, that this happened 6 months ago, that one of the passengers was injured, that the son is 30 etc. so that the case might be unrecognisable. Or it might not.

The OP has had a lot more sympathy than otherwise here - I felt a lot more sympathetic until her last post to be honest and suspect I might have been a bit harsh on her, but on the other hand, it might be argued by her son that mum has prejudiced his chances of a fair trial/ hearing and I think it would be harmful all round if the son escaped legal consequences.
He really should take responsibility for his actions and suffer the consequences. How upset his mother is should not alter the legal consequences. We wouldn't have stiffer sentencing for orphans, would be, because they have no parents to be upset.

Hi - I wasn’t going to reply again but o have been reading. I’m really not minimising this; I’m sorry if some people think so. I’m horrified. He will be pleading guilty. There’s no denial on his part. There won’t be a trial as such because he is not denying the offence or offering any kind of mitigation. Because there isn’t any, he’s not offering any excuses.

Thanks for responses.

And of course I’m not upset at him facing consequences- I actively WANT him to. I’m just glad that the consequence wasn’t in this case that he ruined other people’s lives, thank god.

He’s 20, an adult who made a ridiculous decision. Unless you got him drunk and handed him the keys, this is not your fault.

@CathyTre

He’ll get a driving ban and hefty fine. Has police interview tomorrow where he’ll be charged.

Just make sure you don't become his taxi.

I wonder how many times he got away with it before he got caught.

This is not your fault OP.

I do wonder though, were his friends also drunk, were they aware HE was drunk...

I am not minimising him getting behind the wheel to drive whilst drunk, thats on him.. but if his friends willingly got into the car, knowing he was drunk, thats on them.. and they DO hold some responsibility too.. they could have chosen not to get in the car, they could have tried to stop him driving the car.

@allJellykat

As a mum of a 32 yr old DS and a 22 yr old DS, i've seen and overheard peer pressure on many many occasions thanks.. Your personal knowledge may be different, but that's mine.

I'm sure you have, not saying that you haven't. All I was saying, was that it can also go the other way in terms of peer pressure, and that neither you, nor I, can have any real knowledge of which way peer pressure was applied in this instance, or indeed if it was a factor at all.

Oh, and my sister was set to run away with a guy one night. Thank goodness she had a rare flash of common sense and self preservation and didn't go. Because he wrapped himself around the bridge about 200 metres down the road and killed himself outright. He was 20 years old, too, and drunk. And a lovely guy. And very very dead. Very, very young.

I almost did it one night. It was after a party and I realised my friend had left her purse at mine and would be needing it in the morning
(this was pre-everyone having mobiles).

I actually got as far as the door of the car and can remember rationalising to myself that it wasnt far and I would drive so slowly and carefully, and there was noone around as it was about 4 in the morning.

Luckily I realised I was being criminally stupid and went to bed instead. I couldnt think what had got into me the next day.

Drink makes you stupid. Best never to take a car out with you when you, or even others around you, are planning to drink unless you have a cast iron plan to leave it there.

NC for this

Hi OP, just a handhold for you. I know what you're going through although thankfully my DS (23) didn't injure himself or anyone else.

This happened about 8 months ago. He was banned for 18 months although this was reduced slightly as he took the drink awareness course. He lost his dream job as he was still in the probation period and it's an automatic dismissal for something so serious and had to move out of his rented flat so he's now back home.

On the upside, he's totally changed his attitude, has been accepted into Uni and is looking to the future.

I hope your DS gets well ASAP, this is absolutely not your fault. He has his whole life ahead of him and hopefully in a few years this will all be a distant memory .

Being upset is OK, but it is not your fault. The small consolation is that he is not trying to make excuses.

Oh and one other thing - this will haunt him for life of course - DBS checks and all that. So he is going to be well and truly punished. It's a good thing, he could have killed someone. But for all that I am not sure I necessarily agree with someone having this still hanging over them when they're in their 40s. He will have to look for jobs where he won't need to have a DBS check.

First, I really hope that your son is okay, and to say you must have been really shocked. I know I would be. Make sure he knows how you feel about it as well.

Second, I hope this is the wake up call he needs to be more careful and responsible. He knows he shouldn't have been drink driving. He is lucky no one was more hurt.
He is also going to have a very hard time getting insurance in the future and with a criminal record it will well impact on any future employment. I hope that if he has a job he doesn't lose it due to this.

I have a 19 yr and luckily he doesn't drink alcohol at all. He doesn't like the taste. He also needs his car for his work, so knows if he loses his licence he will also lose his job.

Oh and one other thing - this will haunt him for life of course - DBS checks and all that. So he is going to be well and truly punished. It's a good thing, he could have killed someone. But for all that I am not sure I necessarily agree with someone having this still hanging over them when they're in their 40s. He will have to look for jobs where he won't need to have a DBS check.

Yep, he's now pretty fucked job-wise forever. Hey ho. All the more opportunities for decent people who can be arsed to keep their noses clean and not threaten the lives of my kids.

I hope that if he has a job he doesn't lose it due to this.

I fucking do.

He will have to look for jobs where he won't need to have a DBS check.

No he won’t. He’s unlikely to get jobs involving driving, but if the crime is irrelevant to the job it won’t make a difference.

It wouldn't prevent you having a job with that on your DBS, but obviously it would be disclosed

So, Dancingbear, do you think that anybody that has committed a crime should live at taxpayer's expense, for the rest of their days, on benefits, should turn to a life of crime to fund their life, be cast destitute upon the streets, to beg, borrow and steal, or that their parents should have to fund their indigent offspring until the parents pop their clogs, and then they have to resort to one of the former options?