To ask when you knew you were ready to have a baby?

[OneLeafHill]

And did you ‘wait’ for marriage if that was on the cards?

DP and I are early 30s - talk about getting married in probably next few years but no immediate plans (not engaged yet). We also both definitely want children in the future. We are in a good financial and housing situation.

Other than the fact I want to be married first (my personal preference, not judging anyone who isn’t married but has children!) there isn’t really any reason why we wouldn’t start trying for a family soon.

However, the thought of losing my freedom and work being more difficult to manage etc. makes me terrified. But I also don’t want to just presume it will happen quickly and wait more than a few more years. I like the concept of having children and know I want them but thinking about the reality scares me so much and I’m worried I’d be unhappy.

Do you ever get to a point where you ‘know’ you’re ready and it feels right to start trying? If so, when was it or what triggered it?

I know for some people it’s a happy accident!

You're in your 30s, you need to crack on with getting married and pregnant imo. I was ready because I got married at 34 and had no time to waste. I conceived on honeymoon.

@Oysterbabe see this is the sort of comment I get from older friends/colleagues (no offence!) but it terrifies me that your life seems to stop once you have kids - I don’t want to become nothing but a Mum, but then I know women are judged for trying to balance work and home too much. I’m very ambitious. How do you know you’re ready for that??

I knew I was ready when I started looking at baby stuff on my tea break in work instead of looking for our next holiday.

We've been together 13 years, married for five and baby's due this January. I'm 30 DH is 38.

I like the concept of having children and know I want them

You’re early 30s and in a good position, I think you should go for it!

In a lot of ways it’s a good idea to be married before having kids, but sometimes life doesn’t work out that way, and obviously some people just don’t want to get married!

Another thought - if you do want to be married before DC, you could get married very quickly and cheaply and hold more of a ‘party’ once Covid is no longer hanging over us.

I never felt "ready". Nor maternal. But my end goal was a family, so I just wanted to get the whole baby years over and done with. So we just went ahead and tried anyway before my "time" ran out.

Nobody is ever "ready" they may think they are, but they aren't.

I personally would not choose to have children outside of marriage, purely for protection in the worst case scenario of divorce or death of either of us. I don't think I was ever really ready, just less terrified!

@GoldStripes the funny thing is the idea of having to spend so much just to be married doesn’t appeal to me - I don’t want a huge wedding that costs the same as a house extension (which we both want to do!). So actually COVID restricting wedding size could be handy . I want to be married but the idea of a year + of planning for one day that costs so much money just stresses me out. The idea that that needs to happen before we can start a family annoys me too!

None of my immediate friends (from uni etc) have babies yet so I do worry it I had a baby in the next year or so I would somewhat mourn my old free life but presumably you make other friends with babies??

@Oysterbabe

You're in your 30s, you need to crack on with getting married and pregnant imo. I was ready because I got married at 34 and had no time to waste. I conceived on honeymoon.

That's such a ridiculously unhelpful comment. I don't even have the heart to explain why.

@tealandteal this is my reasoning too - I don’t want to be married for religious reasons or anything. It’s purely for the financial/legal protection if anything should happen. We own a house together so already financially linked!

@JuniperFather I’m constantly dealing with comments like this!

I would say I felt ready when my DD1 was about 6months or so old! But genuinely I always knew I wanted kids someday but I am not sure I would ever have decided it was a good time if we hadn't had that happy accident.

@YouJustDoYou really? Interesting to know this. I’m the same in that I want a family and I want DP and I to have children as I think it’s a beautiful thing but I don’t look forward to the pregnancy part or even the baby part really - fills me with absolute dread!!!!

@usethedata I came off hormonal contraception a few months ago for the first time about 15 years so a happy accident is more likely now!! How did you feel when the accident happened??

I never felt "ready". Nor maternal. But my end goal was a family, so I just wanted to get the whole baby years over and done with. So we just went ahead and tried anyway before my "time" ran out.

This is basically my answer too.

I saw children (more so one child now tbh) in my future, I was 34, married almost a year so thought we ought to get on with it as all bar one friend had taken years to get pregnant or needed fertility treatment.

It took us two goes 😐 I’m currently nine weeks pregnant and have been bricking it each day I found out. I still don’t feel maternal or go gooey eyed over babies and I’m dreading the sleepless nights, but I think I’d regret not having any in ten years time.

@rabbitheadlights maybe everyone just likes the idea of it??

I honestly can't remember, and it wasn't actually that long ago! I think it just seemed to make sense really, we knew we wanted kids, we were married, I had reached a point in my career where I knew I'd be happy to take a year or so out, we owned our own place. I was 29 when we started trying and had DD1 at 30.

Your life doesn't stop because you become a mum, it just changes.

Do your friends have kids? Most of my friendship group had started or were starting families at a similar time. This was all just coincidence and it really eased the transition into being parents. Saturday night dinners with friends became Sunday Brunch iyswim.

It also massively helps to have a supportive hands on partner. I see so many mothers whose lives have changed massively due to having kids, yet the dads have barely been impacted at all. So my main advice would be to make sure you're doing this with someone who knows that parenting is 50/50!

I honestly didn't know if I was 'ready' but a cancer scare at 32 made us crack on.

@Wyewaving congrats! 2 times is very quick - was that a real shock? I always expect it will take a long time, like a year perhaps, particularly as I’m over 30 now but I know it can happen a lot quicker!

I waited until we were married. If you can't make the commitment to marry, why would you commit to a child was my feeling (and I recognise that's an unfashionable opinion)

Wed been married for a couple of years, renovated a house and we're ready for our next adventure. He's 16 soon 🙈

I was late 30s and thought I might regret not having children - no maternal feelings, no biological clock ticking. We agreed on one child having been together for 10 years and not previously wanting any. It was all quite calculated!

Your life doesn't have to end just because you breed. I maintained my career, hobbies, friendships etc. I love my child but she is not my entire life.

I don’t think there’s ever a perfect time. I was unsure I wanted them until random one day I though “maybe we should have a baby” and randomly my husband thought the exact same thing. Don’t get me wrong- life changes. Balancing everything is hard. But, but by bit it gets easier and you settles nicely into your new normal m.Mine are only 3 and 1, so I’m not there with my old life totally back (even if Covid wasn’t happening!) but I can start to see how We can carve out some “me” and “us” time. But...in all honesty....my life pre kids no longer appeals as it once did! That did take a while to happen- when my first was a baby I still yearned for my old life- but somewhere on the way I happily settled into this new life.

Currently pregnant and don’t feel ‘ready’ but feel as ready as I’m ever going to . I’m nervous about the effect on my career progression and ability to go out to the odd party of festival agin in the next 10 years but it will work out . My husband is wonderful and ready and waiting to catch the baby when I need to let my hair down.

There is no right time but if your seriously talking about it the best time is probably now . I delayed for about a year and then wondered what I was waiting for .. one more promotion .. one more festival .. an exciting new chapter is waiting round the corner just go for it .

@OneLeafHill we eloped, one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. Seriously, if that’s how you feel and you don’t want a big wedding, I would discuss it with your DP and think about getting married this year or early 2021. Small wedding, done and dusted.

I’m in a very similar situation to you (although we are married). We’re a similar age and wondering when to just go for it. We don’t feel ‘ready’, but nobody ever is. I read a thread on here a few weeks ago that really struck a chord with me. If you’re in a good position to, it really is worth trying for a baby. Fertility is never guaranteed, and it could take you a few years. Plus, the earlier you get started the earlier you’ll get some independence back. But your life won’t ‘end’ when you have DC anyway it will just be different!

@Jessesgirl13 no my friends aren’t having babies yet - pretty much all are in committed relationships but not married yet and certainly not thinking about getting pregnant any time soon although I wouldn’t be massively shocked if any of them did.

It’s hard as I don’t want to be the first or the last?! I know it doesn’t turn out that way. I think if one of us took the plunge there’d be a bit of a domino effect.