To ask when you knew you were ready to have a baby?

[OneLeafHill]

And did you ‘wait’ for marriage if that was on the cards?

DP and I are early 30s - talk about getting married in probably next few years but no immediate plans (not engaged yet). We also both definitely want children in the future. We are in a good financial and housing situation.

Other than the fact I want to be married first (my personal preference, not judging anyone who isn’t married but has children!) there isn’t really any reason why we wouldn’t start trying for a family soon.

However, the thought of losing my freedom and work being more difficult to manage etc. makes me terrified. But I also don’t want to just presume it will happen quickly and wait more than a few more years. I like the concept of having children and know I want them but thinking about the reality scares me so much and I’m worried I’d be unhappy.

Do you ever get to a point where you ‘know’ you’re ready and it feels right to start trying? If so, when was it or what triggered it?

I know for some people it’s a happy accident!

For me, it started when we started going to places with dogs and kids, like the local pub rather than a fancy restaurant, or for walks on the weekend, and we stopped going for late nights out, and DH (then DP) said jokingly one day 'we need a dog and a kid to fit in here'. We then started talking about it.

We were young, 25, but we held off til we were married at 26 which we did quickly and cheaply abroad with 13 family members. We wanted the legal security that being married brings. I didnt care much for getting married tbh. DH just wanted it so we went for it. We bought a house too so we had a secure place to live. I will admit, I had to come to terms with my career (teacher) taking a hit as I had to go part time as childcare was more than our mortgage every month and we have no family help. That led us to decide to have DC2 quickly so I dont have to put my career on hold for a decade. I am now 29, due DC2 in 13 weeks. DD will be 2 weeks shy of 2 when this one is due.

I wong lie, it changes everything. It's not easy, and it involves a lot of work and sacrifice, especially for the woman who usually takes a hit job and money wise. But my god, it's amazing. But it's always going to be terrifying. I have already done it and I am terrified about DC2. It's a huge life change. But I say dont wait for some perfect time. If you have the secure job to provide for the kid, and even a legal document like a will to cover both of you regarding money etc if something happened, I say go for it.

I always knew I wanted children but till I met my now husband I couldn’t work out when.
Last year we had 4 months of being together when I was ovulating (We both work away) and we decided to give it a go and see what happens - I fell pregnant on the first month 😳 spent the first few weeks being nervous and then got my head around it all and then found out I was expecting twins 😳 Then spent the rest of my pregnancy either excited or worried! Babies are here and I couldn’t imagine life without them now

@SerenDippitty

I think you know if children are a big no for you. Those who are on the fence will still need to join the dots between age, ability provide and whether you want them enough or not!

It doesn’t matter much if you realise you want them when you’re 55, biology puts a time limit on us all!

@SqidgeBum this sounds like a lot like us to be honest - pubs and walks rather than nights out. I kind of got all my wild partying out my system during my 20s so i wouldn’t miss that. It’s more just being able to be selfish if I want

@PippaPug congrats and good to know! Amazing that you got pregnant the first month.

@IamRhubarbBikini sounds very similar - and I totally agree with the teenage hangover, I feel like now I’ve come off hormonal contraception I’d end up getting pregnant from the first split condom but I know this is highly unlikely!!

The idea of just not having to worry about contraception and ‘seeing what happens’ after all these years is appealing though!

@UsainDolt I think we are at this point really - it wouldn’t be horrific, we would adapt, just wouldn’t be planned as we aren’t married yet and I’d like to probably be one step higher in my career!

The first couple of years of having DS I did feel like my life had stopped. However I would say that from 18mo to 2yo my life actually started. Having DS has enriched my life so much, I have explored our local area so much more since having him than we did before we had him. We have discovered nature reserves and all sorts which we had no idea existed because we didn't bother looking.

This weekend we plan to climb a local mountain with him, if it weren't for Covid we would probably finish it off with a pub meal.

He is fairly independent now around the house so I am able to get on with my hobbies (growing veg and cross stitch) with few issues.

So basically from my perspective there are a couple of hard years and then it becomes wonderful and better than my childfree life could ever have been.

I do think that sticking to one makes this much more realistic however!

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear thank you - that is lovely and I know of others who have said the same. That the world suddenly looks different and more exciting when you’re sharing it with your child. This is the sort of thing I don’t want to miss out on!

We both definitely don’t want more than 2 children and I suppose one wouldn’t be the end of the world but I really appreciate having a sibling now I am older.

OP, you know what? You sound obsessed with the thought of planning for a baby. I mean that in a nice way, by the way. And it was when I was thinking about all the details like you seem to be, almost constantly, that I realised it was on my mind so much it was obviously a sign that I should just go ahead and try for a baby!

OP, your career prospects depends purely on your attitude. If you plan it well, you can take 6 months off and be back to work.
If both of you definitely want to have children and to have them with each other why to wait for several years? You say you want to be married but you are not even engaged. Considering your suggestion you want to be married first (and I agree with you) even if you get engaged tomorrow.. Think about your timescale.. On average it takes about a year for ahealthy couple to get pregnant, 25% of pregnancies end up in miscarriage. You are in your early 30.. I wouldnt say you should try to get pregnant tonight, but I would certainly think about getting on with marriage and children sooner rather than later. It is not impossible to have a baby when you are older, it is just statistically less likely

I was the same as you except we'd been married 3 years when we started trying. I was worried about my life ending and stopping working etc. Honestly, wish I'd done it sooner. Couldn't give a monkeys about work now and although it can be hard its so worth it. I've turned into one of those women I used to feel sorry for, no life, no drinking, no money- and I couldn't be happier!

Sorry I haven't RTFT, but my experience was, I told DH while dating that I didn't want kids. He was okay with that.

About 4 months after our wedding, we were at a big event and it seemed like everywhere I looked there were families, babies.. I went home feeling like I wasn't complete, and wouldn't be until I had a baby. We were fortunate to conceive quickly.

Yes, my life changed a lot after DS1 arrived, and I had to work harder and be more self-sacrificing than I'd ever been (or needed to be) before. But it's also rewarding to do that for someone you love. And I started my own from-home business a year after DS was born, and still have it now (3 more babies later), so having kids doesn't have to mean giving up everything that matters to you! You just find ways to work things out as you go.

I don’t think there is ever a ‘right’ time. I’ve just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant with my 3rd at 38. On paper we’re in a much more secure position with jobs, house etc. than we were when we had our 1st at 24. But it was not something we planned and it’s taken a lot to come to terms with. Children change your life in so many ways, but they make you realise what is important. There are challenges but this is what helps you to grow as a couple, you do get your life back but there’s no reason you need to lose touch with who you are. I guess I’m saying, if you’re in a good position relationship wise and financially then go for it.

OP - we are in the same position! Together 10 years, bought and renovated a home together and are now 30.

We actually got engaged last year but my partner was made redundant and, although we are now in a good financial position again, the uncertainty made us take a step back and question spending £££ on one day.

Like you, our lack of marriage is certainly not a lack of commitment (buying a house together is a far bigger commitment than a wedding imo), rather given how long we've been together and our lack of religious beliefs, we just don't really see the point atm (although same as you I'd like to be married before having children).

We speak often, especially lately, about not being ready to give up our lives for kids. We both see a family as the end goal, but are terrified about having to be selfless. To not take spontaneous trips, watch what we like, go where we like, do what we like.

Family have assured us we're overthinking this. I really want us both to be 100% certain that we're ready before we have kids, but I don't know if people genuinely get to that point. Do people really wake up one day and say "I'm happy to give up putting myself first, going for dinner when I please, going on chilled holidays etc"?! Or do most people just not overthink it like this?!

I know exactly how you feel and it's scary!! Don't want to miss the boat on kids but really want to feel totally ready before we have them!

For background, got pregnant with my first at 31 (literally on my birthday), and the second at 35. Had been married for a good few years by then. Number 1 was a happy accident - I had an awful pregnancy though as spent it throwing up... swore I'd never have another, and to be honest I found the first 12 weeks of being a mum really tough (and the baby was an easy one - no reflux and a a happy little chap! - I think because of all the change and anxiety about being a mum!.
Pysched myself up to have number 2, the pregnancy was still yuck, but i was so much more relaxed and really enjoyed her from the beginning. So much so that I terrified DH by suggesting a third whilst I was still in the babyhaze!!
Now they are 1 and 5 and I think pre covid we had a really lovely balance of social life, work and family life.

Big things I'd say to consider - if close to your family, having them nearby is a game changer in terms of how stressed you feel.

Feeling confident in your career to be able to take the mat leave you want to if thats important to you!

I also saw a really nice note the other day which was all about the joy and pride you share as parents watching your child learn / do something new. For all the small battles kids bring to a relationship, i think they also do make you love your partner in a different way!

My first was a (rather stressful!) accident at 24 but he turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us. We now have a second and at 28 have definitely been the only ones in our friendship groups with kids but we've found parent friends in other ways. We got married when our son was two and it was so lovely having him part of the ceremony. I did feel a bit paranoid at first (pre wedding) when people occasionally assumed I was the nanny and I didn't have a wedding ring but I got over it quite quickly!

I think being ready is twofold - emotionally (probably not many people are until it happens?) and practically, and the latter is relative but just depends on whether you can afford it or not and sounds like you can.

Like everyone says, the first few months are a shock, but gradually you get some sort of normality back, you see friends again, go out, find your new freedoms. I never stopped working as I'm self employed but have found it all pretty manageable and have scaled up my business hugely since becoming a mother.

If you know you want a child then I would say go for it - the nagging feeling probably means you know you want to give it a try. And although I do think time is on your side you never know how easy it'll be!

@queenofthecoffee adjust the ages very slightly and I am you! Still in the early ish days with DC2 and convinced I now want a third. DH is terrified What made you change your mind?

I think I probably knew I was ready when I was about 6 months pregnant and had settled into the idea of becoming a mum. I was 21.

I got an absolute crazed urge to reproduce. It was like someone flicked a switch. But then it took 3 years to conceive and I was a bit mental. The say I found out I was pregnant was the happiest day ever!
Have never regretted it. My kids are the best thing I've ever done.

Honestly - I was in my early 30s and working on an IVF ward. I met so many women that had waited till their late 30s and things hadn't panned out as planned. Prior to that I knew I wanted kids but felt like there was no rush. I look back now and think there probably wasn't such a rush and i still could have waited a few years but the heartache of those women prompted me to action.

I met my now DH at 31, we started trying for a baby 6 months in after deciding at 4am drunk in London. In hindsight that would have been too soon and as it happens we conceived 3 years later 6 months after we got married. Everyone thought we had planned it perfectly but it just happened that it took a long time. I wasn’t ready when we started trying but, like you, I never thought I would be so threw caution to the wind. The only time I’ve ever felt ‘ready’ was 4 days before I found our, that must have been hormonal!

My DD is almost 18 months now and is the best thing that has ever happened to me and to DH, the joy is immeasurable.

I’m about to have my third and still have days where I don’t feel ready 😂 but I think you just know when you’re ready to take that leap!
I personally waited until marriage, I don’t even know why, I just always thought I would so I did, but honestly I don’t think it matters. Only you know where you want to be in your life when you have children, and ignore the age comments, anyone would think you’re 65 😂

And no, life doesnt stop when you have a baby but it does go on pause for a while. Some parents manage to do more than others but I guess it depends how laid back you and your baby are. We went walking with our teens on the SW coast path the other day and saw a few parents with newborn babies in slings. Not something I could have done (I’m not sure I had even left the house at that stage ) but if you feel able to do activities like that with a baby in tow then why not? If you don’t feel able, like I didn’t, then wait a few years till your kids are old enough to make it more fun than a trial.