To ask when you knew you were ready to have a baby?

[OneLeafHill]

And did you ‘wait’ for marriage if that was on the cards?

DP and I are early 30s - talk about getting married in probably next few years but no immediate plans (not engaged yet). We also both definitely want children in the future. We are in a good financial and housing situation.

Other than the fact I want to be married first (my personal preference, not judging anyone who isn’t married but has children!) there isn’t really any reason why we wouldn’t start trying for a family soon.

However, the thought of losing my freedom and work being more difficult to manage etc. makes me terrified. But I also don’t want to just presume it will happen quickly and wait more than a few more years. I like the concept of having children and know I want them but thinking about the reality scares me so much and I’m worried I’d be unhappy.

Do you ever get to a point where you ‘know’ you’re ready and it feels right to start trying? If so, when was it or what triggered it?

I know for some people it’s a happy accident!

@OneLeafHill I could have written this 2.5 years ago. I married DH at 26 and had the years of "when are you going to start trying for a baby". Personal circumstances (illness within the family) meant we had a lot on our plate for the immediate years after our wedding and I was (and am) an ambitious and independent woman. I knew I wanted kids but also knew I didn't want to give up my life. I was terrified. DH and I were 'childhood sweethearts' and it had only ever been us and I couldn't imagine bringing another person into our life.

DH wanted a baby about a year before we eventually tried but I resisted. We went on an AMAZING holiday where it was talked about it a lot and we agree we would start putting steps in place. I was still waiting till the time I 'knew'. We were living in unsuitable accommodation for a baby and I said once we sold we would start. I came off hormonal contraception and waited to sell our property... and waited... and waited to sell. We went on some more holidays and I really felt like they were a last hurrah - boozy and cultural trips. In the end after about 10 months and after a few conversations of "should we ?!" We just decided to go for it as we felt we had been waiting for a while and relying on others to get on with our life (I.e to move house) It just felt right and the time to take that next step (despite everything else going on).

Fell pregnant first time - we were both in shock! I thought wtf have we done. I was terrified.

Sold the property a few months later and moved into our new home about 4 months before my DS was born. I can't imagine not being a mum now and I LOVED my maternity leave and now I love having two sides to me. We are back in the "should we shouldn't we" conversation again for number 2. I do feel now I will know when it is the right time.

Yes the feeling rushed up on me, same age as you. Also wanted to be married, which was a faff to sort, then started on the kiddies.

@Fishfingersandwichplease was it an accident or planned by that age? I don’t want to scupper our chances by waiting years longer when actually we would be fine having a baby right now - just inconvenient as it’s not in my ideal plan

If you’re 30 odd, financially OK and you want children, the only thing you need to do next to have all the sensible bases covered is to get married (not for the romance, for the legal /financial commitment to partnership) and get pregnant.

Other than those things, there is nothing else you can do to ‘be ready’.

It WILL change your life. It won’t ruin it. Most women don’t become ‘just Mums’. Yes, their focus shifts to their children, but most manage to continue to work and have friends and interests.

@SomeOtherGirl did you still have the big wedding when you knew you wanted to start trying soon after?

It may be creeping up on me as I do now have a list of names in my phone as I really have a thing about names and imagining what they’d be like! I love MN baby names threads

We got married in late 20s and decided to wait a few years thinking it would happen fairly quickly. Fast forward over 4 years and going through IVF, my advice is always to not delay. Even if you just get a fertility check up and know if either of you have any underlying issues, some people are blessed and can conceive later in life with ease and then there’s others that desperately struggle.
If you think you might want them one day then why not today, when are people ever ready (other than those who have been trying for years).

I guess what I am saying is... It was important for me to be married so I did that first. I didn't want to feel like I had missed out on things that my friends with kids had done (I was one of the last in our group to have a baby and had heard a lot of "do it while you can! Once you have kids..." so we had some big holidays and enjoyed 'childfree' life to the max.

So I am glad I waited until I was ready and we had done those things like holidays and big purchases etc and now I truly feel like it was the right time.

For us it was a couple of years after getting married and we own our house and had paid our debts down quite a bit when we decided to start trying.
But I m not very career minded, I like my job but then I go home and switch off from it which is all I ever wanted really.

We re 25 and 29 with our first due in October, we d always talked about having kids in our 20s and for me as my dad didn't make it past my mid 30s then I ve always wanted to be in our kids lives as long as possible. If they so decide to then we will have the time to be hopefully active grandparents.

@RandallLOVESBeth thank you - and I didn’t mean to offend anyone by saying ‘just a mum’ but I mean more acquaintances who suddenly have their Instagram name as something mummy related and their whole social media presence becomes about their child. Maybe I’d end up the same so I shouldn’t judge but I’m proud of my career and I’m in a profession where I can keep progressing even part time, so I definitely want to be one of those career and family focused women!

@Snorlax86 a fertility test is a good idea - is that quite common? I’m a very organised and planned person so something about the unpredictability of when it could happen stresses me out.

@1990shopefulftm congrats and also for owning a house already by the age of 25!!

[quote OneLeafHill]@MamaDane is it lame to say I find pretty hard already because of how demanding my job is and general life admin?! I don’t know how I’d cope with babies too.

I felt overwhelmed enough when we got a dog!!! (He’s amazing though and I am used to that responsibility now )[/quote]
I mean of course it's not lame.
You just won't believe how exhausting it is. It tears you down and stretches you thin and when your DP is at work hours away, the child/ren are screaming nonstop while your stomach is cramping from a stomach bug, and you're vomiting into the nearest container available while rocking a baby that won't eat, sleep, burp, or cuddle, but just screams, it's times like these where it's hard to keep your head above water.

I'm not trying to scare you away from parenthood and I'm sure you've heard all the horror stories. I'm just saying, there is no going back after this. If you decide to have kids, before you try or while you're trying. Make sure to cease any opportunity you can to do things you would have a hard time doing with kids. Enjoy your life while you can 🤣

Met husband at 30, married within months, lived it large for 4 years together and then once we'd bought our first place and were in a good place financially and emotionally, had our first baby. Second baby followed soon after. Not going to lie- we've found the sudden change in both our roles massively challenging. My career is at a standstill (planned) but even then, I've really found it hard to see myself as just a mum- I feel like I'm invisible in society whereas I used to be quite a highflier at work and a social butterfly within my social circle. Life has changed massively but my children mean the world to mean and I'm sure once I'm past the baby/toddler stage, it'll all have been worth it. You can never be too ready until you have a baby. My biggest piece of advice would be- unless you and your partner are 10000% solid together and have your shit sorted, don't have a baby. Babies have a way of pushing every last button- pair that with extreme tiredness and fatigue and the littlest thing can become a mountain. If there are any unresolved issues amongst the two of you, get them sorted before welcoming a baby into your lives.

It was an accident - l never wanted children, always found kids really annoying and when people say it's different when it's your own, l didn't believe them. I had no expectations of motherhood so took it as it came, and l loved every stage of it. Had no experience with babies before she was born and thought l wouldn't have a clue what to do, but l did. Helps she was a good sleeper. Will always be sad l couldn't have another but so glad l have had one.

Despite trying for a baby I always had some doubts and didn't feel really ready. I still didn't feel ready once ds1 was here. I finally felt ready when I started trying for his sibling. Despite the doubts I didn't have regrets, perhaps I would have if I had waited to feel completely ready. I had my first at 36 and last at 41.

Ps. Don't fall into the 'you need to get a move on because you're getting on' crap. I had my first at 35 and second at 36. I have a number of health conditions- pcos included. Was lucky enough to fall pregnant first time round with both. So long as you're both fit and healthy, you'll be fine.

@Wowthisisreal thanks so much, really helpful to see what you went through and your thought processes!

I think DP is keener than me to start a family - he isn’t worried about being married first but knows it’s what I want and he also does want to get married eventually.

To be honest we don’t really have a crazy travel filled life together at the moment but it’s more just the possibility of being spontaneous! And I am very independent of him - go on holiday with my friends etc. But hopefully they’d also have children around the same time

I got married in 2013 when I was 29 and then suddenly it seemed like "the next thing" to think about. I had an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage in my early 20s and had spent a long time desperately wanting a baby after that (but was really not the right time). However when I was finally faced with the reality of it, and there was no reason not to start TTC, I honestly did not know if I was ready or not, or if I actually still wanted a child. However DH definitely wanted children, so I decided to go for it, it was a leap of faith. I was really sad the first month TTC when I didn't fall pregnant, and then I knew that I did really want it. Our first DC was born in 2016. Our second (and very much last) in 2019.

Not going to lie, it hasn't been easy, particularly since No. 2 came along. But I cannot describe the love that I have for my children, and they are a source of such immense joy (and frustration) in my life. I don't know what else I would have been doing with my life, raising children seems like a pretty worthwhile pursuit if nothing else.

Don't wait for your friends to do things first, crack on with your own life!

I knew it was time as I wanted them before a certain age (didn't want kids around in my 50s), wanted to make sure I had time on my side if there were fertility issues (there weren't thankfully) and the going out partying every weekend was finally losing its appeal.

@OneLeafHill Waited until 34 - assumed it would take a few months - nope!

@OneLeafHill I don’t think they are common as such as the NHS doesn’t do them but you can arrange a fertility MOT at a private IVF clinic, they will usually do a blood test, and internal scan for female, with a semen analysis for male and then a consultation. You might be able to speak to your GP about it, as they might be able to offer the blood tests on the NHS, but I’m not sure.

@MamaDane I have a tendency to catastrophize so this is exactly the sort of scenario I torture myself with!! I forget that there are supposedly nice things about having children too. I think I have an anxious, negative view of it which is why I am so uncertain!

I understand the worry about giving up your old life btw. We are avid travellers, love going out for meals, going to the pub etc. We’ve been able to still do some of that - lots of travel in her first year, including long-haul, we swapped late dinners for brunches and take her with us etc. We don’t go to the pub too often any more unless for Sunday lunch (have no family nearby to babysit) but I don’t miss it. And we still do stuff separately with our friends. Plus we made a bunch of new ones too with children the same age.

@Marahute thanks and have you carried on working?

@fiadhflower the idea of possible new friends is nice too - particularly as we recently moved to a new area and our friends are quite far away. We are more likely to meet people in our new place if we have kids I suppose!