To ask when you knew you were ready to have a baby?

[OneLeafHill]

And did you ‘wait’ for marriage if that was on the cards?

DP and I are early 30s - talk about getting married in probably next few years but no immediate plans (not engaged yet). We also both definitely want children in the future. We are in a good financial and housing situation.

Other than the fact I want to be married first (my personal preference, not judging anyone who isn’t married but has children!) there isn’t really any reason why we wouldn’t start trying for a family soon.

However, the thought of losing my freedom and work being more difficult to manage etc. makes me terrified. But I also don’t want to just presume it will happen quickly and wait more than a few more years. I like the concept of having children and know I want them but thinking about the reality scares me so much and I’m worried I’d be unhappy.

Do you ever get to a point where you ‘know’ you’re ready and it feels right to start trying? If so, when was it or what triggered it?

I know for some people it’s a happy accident!

I would question whether, given what you've said about being scared that your life is over and not being ready for it etc, whether you actually want to have kids or whether you've just fallen prey to the standard patriarchal formula of marriage house baby. Your life as you know it will be over - everything about your life will be completely different and for many, many years you will have pretty much zero freedom. If you're not sure, don't do it. Parental regret is more common than you'd think, and children are forever.

@LadyMonicaBaddingham this is how I feel too and DP isn’t pushy at all - he is very laid back so doesnt see any urgency but I’m starting to worry about the years ticking on and how long it takes to do everything!

@OneLeafHill It was a massive shock. Let’s just say I won’t be telling many people how I reacted when I found out (I swore a lot that day 🙈). I think my fear comes from lack of control over my body and my life, I don’t necessarily worry about raising a child, I just don’t particularly look forward to looking and feeling pregnant.

If you’re in your early 30s I’d probably get married and then start trying tbh.

I cried when I first found out I was pregnant! But after about a week or so I was excited. DD1 is nearly 13 now and I really love having children (have had 2 more since DD1). For all three i didn't really enjoy the baby bit but it gets better and better.

@Bitchinkitchen this is my fear but does anyone really feel happy at the prospect of losing their old life?! I’ve seen relatives who vowed they never wanted children, totally career focused etc become parents and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them. I think I’d definitely regret it if I didn’t have them and I don’t want to end up in my 50s with what seems like an emptier life? I can’t explain it but I feel it’s right but the reality terrifies me.

At the same time I wish we were married already just so we could get on with trying in case it takes ages!!

Your life will definitely be on hold and so will your freedom.

It's tough. I had twins 11 months ago and man it is tough. I actually cannot wait for them to start daycare as I am beyond exhausted. I thought I was ready but -nothing- prepares you for parenthood. You are thrown into it. Life goes from "easy" mode to hard mode (or if you're like me with twins who had reflux then survival mode). I love my kids, hell I even want a 3rd someday, but fuck, nothing compares to the change that happens when having children.

I think you need to know that if you value the good life you have now very much and are not very willing to change, then don't have kids. You barely have time to drink coffee or use the bathroom (at least the first year). They are incredibly demanding in every single aspect.

Then again, they are amazing as well and it is a very special experience. For me personally, my kids gave meaning to my life.

It was when I started looking at videos on YouTube of people announcing pregnancies to their families! I was 32 but had been married about 8 years. DH was the first to suggest it.

I've been fortunate to be able to go part time (DS is almost 2). I don't think I could cope with 5 mornings of the 3 of us getting out the door for 7.45 and 5 evenings of stressing about getting back in time for nursery pickups. Plenty do manage 2 full time working parents, obviously. How detrimental you will find it to your plans depends on what you mean by "ambitious". I'd already reached my main career goal before we started trying.

@usethedata this is good to know and I’m sure there are some good things about the baby part! I hope

I knew I wanted them but wanted a set number of things in place first so marriage, own home, secure job and savings so we tried once they were in place. Having had no security as a child they were important to me and worth letting my head rule my heart.

I wanted to get married first, not for traditional reasons but selfish ones. We loved travelling and did a few trips but I was pregnant within 6 months. I don't regret not having that extra year together that I planned, as our new adventure started (god so cliche - sorry!).

I would get married first. So you can afford it and enjoy it (and be bothered) but also so things are legally sorted before things like maternity leave.

I am wondering currently how you know to have a second. It was a lot simpler the first time!

Good luck OP

@MamaDane is it lame to say I find pretty hard already because of how demanding my job is and general life admin?! I don’t know how I’d cope with babies too.

I felt overwhelmed enough when we got a dog!!! (He’s amazing though and I am used to that responsibility now )

I got married in my early thirties. Began TTC on honeymoon. We wanted to enjoy our honeymoon (and it's vineyards) as once children were in the picture, we wouldn't be able to go for many years. That said, we organised a wedding within a year of engagement so as not to leave it too long. After watching all our friends go through infertility, stillbirths, TMFRs and MCs, we didn't want to put off playing fertility roulette x

I didn't plan children but overall am pleased I had them. I dont think anyone is ever really ready. In your shoes I would have a simple, inexpensive ceremony so that's no longer an issue and then start thinking seriously about kids. Make sure your DP is ready and will do his fair share (sick of reading about useless, lazy husbands on here).

Oh and whether you work, dont work or a bit of both, you'll still feel constantly judged and worry you're doing it wrong. Ignore!

I'm almost 36 and have been trying for way over a year now

@thewisp thanks and I suppose we just need to get on and get married!

Torn between wanting DP to propose and have that romantic experience and being like ‘let’s just get married!’

I was terrified when l found out l was pregnant OP - aged 34 and LOVED being a free spirit as such, DP (now DH) and l used to love holidays, meals out etc. But also thought it is now or never, had the baby and never looked back. As someone who suffered with secondary infertility so had to stop at one baby, l would highly recommend you crack on. Yes of course life changes but my experience has only been positive. I have made loads of new friends and still get to go out for nice meals etc. If you were in your 20's l would say hold fire maybe but honestly time may not be on your side.

I wasn’t ready to have children at 30. I was married, but mentally and career-wise wasn’t ready. I was by 32 though and I conceived pretty easily - third month of trying - and had my baby at 33. Honestly, I didn’t go googoo over pregnancy or other people’s babies either before, while pregnant or since then. But I knew I wanted children. And when she arrived, she was brilliant.

I would say that being married first is sensible if you can, for the legal protections etc. Don’t have a big wedding if you don’t want one.

@gypsywater Did you purposefully wait to start trying?

Also re: the old life thing. I had postnatal depression so was more negative at that time, but I would lament my old life so much in those early months. I couldn't believe I had turned my life upside down so much.

But once you've got the newborn bit out the way and more sleep, you get your "old life" back but it's so much better.

By the end of the first year I had started a new business and took the baby to Paris, Iceland and Canada. So you can still do all those things you love now, it's just more of a faff

@fiadhflower thanks! Good to know. Again I like the idea of having my own children but I find other peoples irritating - DP’s parents’ obsession with his niece grates on be a bit and I don’t know why. I don’t get the fuss/can’t get gaga over her but maybe I’m just jealous and need my own

Those "crack on" comments I can't stand.
I didnt want to have a kid and be married in my 20s, I could have and I would have been very depressed and not been able to achieve nothing I have now.
Literally most the girls I know from school have children from fathers which didn't work out or divorced several times.

The right time will come and you will know it don't feel pressure from others everyone story different

[quote OneLeafHill]@Bitchinkitchen this is my fear but does anyone really feel happy at the prospect of losing their old life?! I’ve seen relatives who vowed they never wanted children, totally career focused etc become parents and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them. I think I’d definitely regret it if I didn’t have them and I don’t want to end up in my 50s with what seems like an emptier life? I can’t explain it but I feel it’s right but the reality terrifies me.

At the same time I wish we were married already just so we could get on with trying in case it takes ages!![/quote]
Personally, i was happy with the prospect of the next chapter. The main concern i had was money - the lack of freedom didn't bother me. Still doesn't!

Got pregnant, thought ‘now is as good a time as any’ and that was that. My life definitely hasn’t stopped. I’m not a ‘career’ type person really (work to live, not live to work) although do have some plans for when I come back off maternity leave next year and will probably think about doing some more training once I have one in school and one with funded hours at nursery. We’re still very much into our hobbies and have made them part of family time.

I’m late 20s and pregnant with my second (and last!).

To be honest, a lot of your postnatal experience depends on your baby. I did not have a good sleeper. Holidays are way less fun when you're up every hour because the baby doesn't like the travel cot, for example! Ask me how I know

I wasn’t buy after a few shots of tequila, OH and I though ‘we’ll be alright’ and the rest is history as it goes.