Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you knew you were ready to have a baby?

154 replies

OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 19:01

And did you ‘wait’ for marriage if that was on the cards?

DP and I are early 30s - talk about getting married in probably next few years but no immediate plans (not engaged yet). We also both definitely want children in the future. We are in a good financial and housing situation.

Other than the fact I want to be married first (my personal preference, not judging anyone who isn’t married but has children!) there isn’t really any reason why we wouldn’t start trying for a family soon.

However, the thought of losing my freedom and work being more difficult to manage etc. makes me terrified. But I also don’t want to just presume it will happen quickly and wait more than a few more years. I like the concept of having children and know I want them but thinking about the reality scares me so much and I’m worried I’d be unhappy.

Do you ever get to a point where you ‘know’ you’re ready and it feels right to start trying? If so, when was it or what triggered it?

I know for some people it’s a happy accident! Grin

OP posts:
Indecision2020 · 03/08/2020 20:01

@titnomatani

Ps. Don't fall into the 'you need to get a move on because you're getting on' crap. I had my first at 35 and second at 36. I have a number of health conditions- pcos included. Was lucky enough to fall pregnant first time round with both. So long as you're both fit and healthy, you'll be fine.
Well this is rubbish...there are loads of people who are fit and healthy yet can’t have children, for a variety of reasons.

Saying that, if you’re in your early 30s you do have time to find out whether you have a problem and then try to treat it.

I got massively broody out of the blue at about 28 - think it was totally hormones. DH and I got married at 29 and started trying straight away. I had recurrent miscarriage (unbelievably despite being “fit and healthy”...) and needed a lot of investigations and some hardcore drugs in order to have my son. Conceived at 30 and he was born when I was 31. I’m pregnant again now at 33 (another miscarriage in between) and shocked at how much harder pregnancy is on my body this time, especially having to look after a toddler as well. I’m glad we didn’t leave it any later purely for that reason.

Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:01

@Tunnocks34 Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:02

@Indecision2020 sorry to hear about your difficulties but congratulations Smile

OP posts:
JBizz · 03/08/2020 20:03

We waited until we were in the best position to have a baby, got married first, purchased a house, got better jobs, saved a lot, made sure we were both at levels in our career we were happy with etc.

Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:03

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss so did you wait until everything was in place before trying?

OP posts:
Parkandride · 03/08/2020 20:04

I'm not a huge fan of kids really and I know I could live a happy and fulfilled childfree life. But I'm at a point where it feels like someone is missing.

Also we got a dog and I realised I'm not as selfish as I thought I was. If he wakes me up I know it's because he needs something, if he's well behaved I'm so proud, if he's an arsehole I look at how to improve things, when he's sick I'm sad etc. If I can be like that for an animal I'm pretty sure I can have a go at a baby. Plus I'm already used to no lie ins, leaving things early so he's not alone, having less cash etc Grin

Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:05

@JBizz this is what I would like - but did this happen to coincide with you also still being ‘not too old’ - as I worry I’ll end up 35 or older before we are married etc and then I’ll be panicking!

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:06

@Parkandride yes this is how I feel about our dog haha it has been quite a good eye opener and it’s been a great thing for us to do together - I do think it has brought us closer!

OP posts:
JBizz · 03/08/2020 20:08

@OneLeafHill For us we have always been ambitious, so had no worries about not reaching these goals well before 30 (and we did) but if there was any doubt we would have compromised on maybe me getting to a good stage in my career, but definitely not on marriage, house and savings.

Lelophants · 03/08/2020 20:09

I think you have to be ready for life as you know it to stop, truly. And this is from someone who (pre covid lol) was happy to travel everywhere with a baby on their back. It is still so damn hard.

I was ready to give it all up in a heartbeat because I knew there might be a chance to do it again when they're older, but I could never have kids again after a certain age. Children is time bound.

Financially very secure
Definitely perfect partner with full commitment and understanding of each other (marriage too for us)

There is a list of questions I found once, see if I can find it.

Lelophants · 03/08/2020 20:10

In a nutshell was broody as hell and had been for so long, happy to give up everything else and got the bone chilling realisation that if I didn't start I may never have them.

Lelophants · 03/08/2020 20:12

I was happy to never travel again if I meant I got a baby (BIG thing for me!)

Good thing with covid Sad

Twirlytwoo · 03/08/2020 20:13

When my period was a week late and I was excited at the thought of being pregnant! When my period did arrive I was gutted and that was when I knew I was ready. I had hoped to have a child at 30 but ended up having my first at 34. Had I had one at 30 I would have had another at 34 so for me I won't be having another as I will be pushing 38-39.

You mention you're terrified of losing your freedom which says to me you're not ready yet. Life changes when you have a little one and we no longer go out for meals every weekend or go to the pub or cinema as often as we used to but we don't mind as we have done it all. Definitely do all the things you want to do on your bucket list before having a baby otherwise I think you will have some resentment on missing out on things you haven't done yet.

nevisbump · 03/08/2020 20:15

I was ready when I met my now DH. I had been with an ex who convinced me I didn't want kids who was wrong. Less than a year was pregnant and now have two kids. Do what's right for you, and I was late 30s

Mummyofmay2020 · 03/08/2020 20:27

We'd been together a good while and were financially stable and I felt like I wasn't getting any younger. I liked the idea of having more energy when raising my kids if I had them sooner rather than later , as well possibly more time with potential grandkids one day. Im pretty ambitious but I thought my job will still be there after maternity leave and won't give me the same joy my kids/grandkids might during my retirement! I did worry about losing independence a bit but I guess it is inevitable and temporary - the benefits of starting my own family outweighed it massively for me. Depends on ur perspective and priorities and how much support you'll have!

Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:34

@Lelophants what age was your bone chilling realisation?

OP posts:
Pumpertrumper · 03/08/2020 20:35

see this is the sort of comment I get from older friends/colleagues (no offence!) but it terrifies me that your life seems to stop once you have kids - I don’t want to become nothing but a Mum, but then I know women are judged for trying to balance work and home too much. I’m very ambitious. How do you know you’re ready for that??

You don’t.
You know whether you want children or not, you know whether you can provide for them, and you know there is a time limit on when you can have them.

I think for a lot of women it’s simply joining the dots on those things.

Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:35

@Mummyofmay2020 these are all very good points and luckily my profession is quite parent friendly so it wouldn’t be a disaster, I hope!

OP posts:
Alarae · 03/08/2020 20:37

It's not that I was ready per se, but more of the fact we didn't have a reason not to try.

My personal goals were to have a house, be married, pass all my professional qualifications and get a better job with better maternity pay (not statutory like I was on).

The professional qualification was the last to be completed so I worked out the date I would be eligible for enhanced maternity pay, and we decided that is the time I would take out my implant.

Good thing I worked it out as I fell pregnant the first time and squeaked in by two weeks!

Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:37

@titnomatani thanks and lots to think about there!! We have very demanding stressful jobs at the moment so I do worry what adding a baby to the mix would do!

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:39

A lot of people here seem to have made sure they were married first. I’m frustrated we aren’t at that stage if I’m honest - my DP is very laid back and we’ve been focused on our house and careers and haven’t really prioritised it whereas I know a lot of couples are very focused on getting married.

Not sure whether to drop more hints or just to forgo the proposal and have a conversation about it like some people do!

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:40

@Pumpertrumper this is a very good point!

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLeafHill · 03/08/2020 20:44

@nevisbump did you marry your DH before you got pregnant?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 03/08/2020 20:50

You say you're in your early 30s so, 32,33? I met DH at 29 and also didn't want kids before marriage (for other reasons). We were married when I was 31 and started trying straight away. Infertility followed and I needed IVF to conceive and have DS when I was 34. I have had 2 further failed rounds and about to embark upon a final round to try for a sibling. If successful, I'll be 38 when it's born. Now, I'm not saying I'm old, as there are plenty of women older than me having babies, but in my ideal world, I would have been a bit younger.

Only you will know when you're ready, but don't delay too long in case you are faced with unexpected problems. So far as losing your freedom etc, yes kids come with an added burden of responsibility, but the pluses outweigh the negatives.

Metallicalover · 03/08/2020 21:04

[quote OneLeafHill]@Jessesgirl13 no my friends aren’t having babies yet - pretty much all are in committed relationships but not married yet and certainly not thinking about getting pregnant any time soon although I wouldn’t be massively shocked if any of them did.

It’s hard as I don’t want to be the first or the last?! I know it doesn’t turn out that way. I think if one of us took the plunge there’d be a bit of a domino effect.[/quote]
I found it doesn't work like that. I'm the one out of 4 friends who has been with my husband much longer than they have been with their partners and I'm the only one that is married.
I'm the last one to have a baby due to unexplained infertility for 2.5 years. Started ttc at 27. They are all at different stages of parenting now whereas my DD just turned 1, they have children starting school and school nursery.

Have a long hard talk with your partner re marriage (we had a chat and agreed it was the right time to get engaged and once engaged get the wedding sorted) as like yourself we wanted to be married first for a number of reasons. Also discuss children, would you both regret not having children etc.
Your life doesn't stop, your life changes when you have a child. We knew we were ready for the change. Your priorities also change. Not just for you, your partner as well.