To ask when you knew you were ready to have a baby?

[OneLeafHill]

And did you ‘wait’ for marriage if that was on the cards?

DP and I are early 30s - talk about getting married in probably next few years but no immediate plans (not engaged yet). We also both definitely want children in the future. We are in a good financial and housing situation.

Other than the fact I want to be married first (my personal preference, not judging anyone who isn’t married but has children!) there isn’t really any reason why we wouldn’t start trying for a family soon.

However, the thought of losing my freedom and work being more difficult to manage etc. makes me terrified. But I also don’t want to just presume it will happen quickly and wait more than a few more years. I like the concept of having children and know I want them but thinking about the reality scares me so much and I’m worried I’d be unhappy.

Do you ever get to a point where you ‘know’ you’re ready and it feels right to start trying? If so, when was it or what triggered it?

I know for some people it’s a happy accident!

Didn’t feel ready but we were 40 and 45 so it was now or never (met at 35/40, married at 36/41) so we decided just to let nature take its course without active TTC. Within a year DD conceived and it’s been brilliant and far easier than I feared.
I wish I’d started a bit earlier though with the benefit of hindsight.

@Metallicalover you say you had a chat with your DH, did you agree to just get married then without the faff of a proposal?

DP is keen to have a baby, he probably would next year if it was up to him regardless of marriage but he knows we would need to get married quickly if an accident happened!

Both of us are happy to flex hours or go part time if was needed - in reality it’s more likely me who would go part time but I’ve made peace with that really as long as I could still carry on working as much as possible (3/4 days a week). We have discussed the logistics quite a bit. I’ve even looked into nurseries and schools in the area

@OneLeafHill I can totally relate to your OP. I have a fairly high pressure job that I adore and the thought of the life I’ve worked so hard for taking a sideline scares me a little.

That said, I know I want a family, and having known a few close friends struggle to conceive it has made us evaluate just what we were waiting for. In our case, whilst we both had good jobs and are settled, we’re in the process of selling/buying a house and I think both DH and I had that teenage hangover of thinking unprotected sex automatically leads to a baby so were only holding off on trying as we were worried I’d end up pregnant before we moved. We’ve since decided to start TTC as at 33 chances are it won’t happen straight away (although Sod’s law it’ll now happen!) and we didn’t want to find we wait til next year and then have struggles anyway.

@OneLeafHill we went looking for rings, found one that I liked, got my finger measured. Then he went back by himself to get it. We went away for a couple of nights and he proposed. We were 24 and were putting a deposit down on a house and thought we better get cracking to get married.

I've just gone back to work after maternity leave and as a nurse I work 12 hour shifts so 2 days a week is good for us. Hubby works with flexi time and options to work from home 2-3 days per week (pre covid, at the mo it's 5 days per week). So as long as your in it together, that's the main thing 😊😊

I think there's no perfect moment when you're suddenly ready because you really have no idea what it's like to be a mother until you are one. And in my experience, "being a mother" evolves every day.
I was keen to have a baby but hated it at first. Now I'm back working part time, my LO is walking and talking and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Just like everything else in life, you adjust to the change. Just like everything else in life, some parts of parenting are shit, some are wonderful.
In terms of your age, all I would say is the mums I know who were mid 30s or over did find it took longer to conceive. That might be fine for you, start trying and if it happens it happens!

Same as you. I wanted to be married and established in my career. I was married at 31 and started TTC straight away. It took me 8 months and I had just under 11 months off. Love DS dearly but being a SAHM is not for me and I went back full time. I was very lucky that family were happy to have him so he had a mix of family and nursery.

I always knew I wanted a family and mid 30s was the cut off for me to have kids as I didnt want to be an older mum.

Think you are overthinking things. I have never been a maternal person but I got to the age of 33 and suddenly felt jealous of friends with babies. Didn't wait for marriage first, the idea of spending an insane amount of money on a day just doesn't appeal. Did get lots of nice holidays in before though! Just go with what feels right for you, there is no perfect time, or order to these things.

@OneLeafHill I have no advice but I feel like I could have written your post! The only difference is I got married last year, and still don't feel ready for children. The worst thing is being told you're "too old and you'll struggle" and any other ridiculous unhelpful comment. Just take your time and live day to day; this is what I'm doing! Us childless wenches need to stick together xx

When I was pregnant with child #3

Thanks all for the replies. I think we need to get on with getting married in the next year or so (in a non flashy way!) and then see what happens.

Your life doesn't stop because you have children!! Yes of course it changes, but even if you devoted the next six years of your life to being 'just' a mum, whatever that means, it's only a tiny percentage of your life. Many people stay in jobs for longer.

For some people, including me, being a mum becomes a big part of your identity, but it's still not the only thing I am! I still love the things I did before and make them work with my new responsibilities.

Maybe look into getting a pregnancy or maternity coach to see how you can maintain what you want to from you current life and line it up with your family goals? I have used a coach for loads of things and find it so helpful

I don’t think I would ever have felt “ready” to plan for a baby. I got married at 30 and was unexpectedly pregnant the following year. I think if we’d planned it then we would have taken another 5 years. But then we would have realised too late how much we loved being parents and probably would not have had our 3rd child.
If I was you I’d crack on. Life absolutely does not end when you have a baby. Sure it changes, but if you definitely want children then better to start early in case you have any fertility issues.

I was 21 and 24 when I had my babies. I think it's different strokes for different folks tbh. To me, being 35 now, the thought of newborns and toddlers makes me want to take a long nap... we are all ready at different stages in life I guess. Whether you're 21 or 31, children are still tiring and make a huge impact on your life. If you feel you're ready then you're ready. There is no such thing as "the right time...."

Choose the right man to do this with. You don't have to abandon your life and freedom. You work as a team and decide how to make it work for the best for both of you. This is entirely do-able. Just don't do it single and/or with some sort of lazy arse bloke.

Haven't read all the replies, but for me (and I did want children at some stage) it was when there came a point when I realised I wouldn't be upset if it happened.

So many observations op.

My life truly began with children and it had been great. I had my first at nearly 35.

I knew I was ready to be a mummy aged about 3 but didn't meet dh until I was 29.

Getting married is far more important than having a wedding.

I was in my early 30s and met the right man. We both would have had children earlier if life allowed. We got a house, married and I was pregnant within 14 months. It wasn't a hard decision for us.

Our children were part of our wedding day and it holds such special and happy memories for them 🥰 I wouldn’t wait if you want children

I was in my late 20's and married when I realised I was ready for kids. Wanted them earlier than that but knew deep down I wasn't ready.

Then nature made us wait until mid 30's until a pregnancy actually stuck.
So whilst I know people have made the 'you need to get on with it' comments to you, you do have a biological time issue to consider. I know people don't necessarily like that being mentioned but I know from very very painful experience that it really is something to factor in. I had those comments made to me on many occasions and they hurt more as time went on and I was either not pregnant or dealing with the fall out from yet another miscarriage.

Regarding the marriage side of things - if I had the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn't have wasted as much money as we did in our wedding and save that up for when we had children. I'd much have preferred a more intimate wedding.

However, nowadays, I probably wouldn't get married at all and ensure that the house is in a joint tenancy and any individual deposits are protected via legal agreement. (Boring and practical but important)

Your life definitely doesn't stop when you have children, by the way! You can still have a great life and balance with work as long as you're a good partnership

@titnomatani

Ps. Don't fall into the 'you need to get a move on because you're getting on' crap. I had my first at 35 and second at 36. I have a number of health conditions- pcos included. Was lucky enough to fall pregnant first time round with both. So long as you're both fit and healthy, you'll be fine.

Not true, unfortunately. I'm fit and healthy but had huge issues, which they never truly got to the bottom of. IVF via the NHS is a postcode lottery and has an average area waiting list of 3 years for just one round. Age does have an effect. We may not like admitting this but it's scientifically accurate. There are always some mums (myself included for our second baby) who are lucky to get pregnant relatively easily at an older age but your egg store and chances do decrease with age. I absolutely hated all this being pointed out to me by the consultant who we saw as I didn't perceive myself as being old in my mid-30's, but as an aspiring mum-to-be, I medically was :(

@Pumpertrumper

see this is the sort of comment I get from older friends/colleagues (no offence!) but it terrifies me that your life seems to stop once you have kids - I don’t want to become nothing but a Mum, but then I know women are judged for trying to balance work and home too much. I’m very ambitious. How do you know you’re ready for that??

You don’t.
You know whether you want children or not, you know whether you can provide for them, and you know there is a time limit on when you can have them.

I think for a lot of women it’s simply joining the dots on those things.

I don't think it's true that everyone knows whether they want children or not. Some people have no strong gut feeling either way and make the decision intellectually, weighing up the pros and cons.

We got kittens. When I could do anything for them like cleaning their poo or sick and not flinch, then I knew I could consider it. Conceived 6 months later.

Serendipity possibly not everyone knows and I can understand that. However I was 100% pre-programmed to want children and can't remember a time I didn't want them.

I never wanted kids until I hit early 40's (bloke, biological with a real penis)

Had a blast in my 20's, career 30's now being a dad.
Right time for us as I can give 110% and I don't feel I'm missing out.

It's a great adventure, he's only 8 months old.